The SmarK RAW Rant – February 9 2004

The SmarK RAW Rant – February 9 2004

– Live from Portland, OR.

– Your hosts are JR and King.

– Opening match: Goldberg’s beard v. Vince’s swagger. OK, it doesn’t actually appear to be a match as much as Vince coming out for an interview with Man Mountain Bill. Apparently, no one is next, as Vince is canceling Bill’s match. Austin interrupts, however, which JR compares to the Trailblazers winning the NBA title. A quick check of NBA.com reveals that Portland only one it once, in 1977, so probably most of the fans in the arena weren’t even alive when they won the title. Not that it matters, I just enjoy being abrasive like that. It was a LOUD pop, however, no matter what comparisons are used. Austin gives Vince a chance to explain his actions, but he brings out Paul Heyman instead. He tells Goldberg to feel free and show up for the PPV, but don’t piss him off by doing anything stupid, like attacking Brock Lesnar. Goldberg is undeterred by such warnings, and he spears Heyman. He also takes a shot at Vince, but misses and spears Austin instead. Well, that just turned him heel with THIS crowd. They gotta be REALLY careful about teasing that sort of match, however, because people are going to be expecting Austin-Goldberg as the “real” feud if they do that sort of thing and be disappointed in a big way when Goldberg goes out on his back to Brock at WM and disappears.

– Meanwhile, Goldberg ain’t apologizing or sucking up, but it was a mistake, he sez. SURE it was. Austin ain’t making any promises, though.

– Meanwhile, Vince storms into Bischoff’s office, making threats towards Goldberg, who is now suspended. Again?

– Trish Stratus & Chris Jericho v. Molly Holly & Matt Hardy. Matt Facts! He loves getting things for free (And who doesn’t?) and he has status on FIVE airlines. Jericho starts with Matt and they exchange hammerlocks, but Matt walks into an elbow. Jericho starts chopping and goes for the Walls, but Hardy makes the ropes. The chicks tag in and Trish takes Molly down, and they trade wristlocks on the mat. Backslide gets two for Trish. She grabs a headlock and clotheslines her for two. Headscissors out of the corner, but Molly sends her into the corner and chokes away. Northern lights suplex gets two. Trish quickly comes back with a neckbreaker and makes the hot tag to Jericho, who forearms Hardy down and gets an enzuigiri for two. Matt gets dumped and Jericho dropkicks him off the apron, and then stops to crotch Molly on the top, but misses a pescado and hurts his knee on the landing. Ouch. Matt sends him into the stairs for good measure, and then goes after Trish, but Christian makes the save for some reason and beats on Hardy, allowing Trish to block the handspring elbow with a victory roll for the pin at 4:24. Fun stuff, although this storyline has been dragging on forever without going anywhere. **

– Meanwhile, Christian makes up with Trish and then puts the moves on her. Well, that didn’t work too well with LITA, but maybe Trish is dumber.

– Meanwhile, the Vanilla Jobber Connection are interrupted in their porn-reading by Stacy & Jackie, who are apparently upset at not being “chosen” for the shoot. Speaking of which, don’t say I never do nuthin’ for ya. And I really hope that Jade and Cindrak weren’t having TOO personal a bonding moment, if you know what I mean.

– Chris Benoit v. Ric Flair. The way they’re hyping this as a classic hopefully means they’re gonna give it some time. Lockup to start and Flair starts chopping, but Benoit fires back. Benoit overpowers him into a german suplex and goes for the crossface, but Flair takes a powder. Benoit immediately follows and starts chopping on the floor (where they hurt more – I read that in an e-mail forward) and they just kill each other with chops before heading back in. Benoit backdrops him out of the corner, but gets felled with a cheapshot. Flair’s chest is already bloody, which is AWESOME. Back to the corner, and they trade more chops, but Benoit walks into an elbow, and Flair Flops. Flair recovers and drops a knee to the head and goes up, but you know the deal. Actually, Chris mixes it up with a superplex instead of a slam and goes up himself, but whiffs on the flying headbutt. Flair the bump machine tonight! And we take a break. We return with carnage and devastation and stuff, as Flair is beating on him in the corner. More chops from Flair and it’s just sick stuff. Flair grabs a sleeper, which Benoit counters out of, and they do the Headlock/bridge thing, but Flair can’t do it anymore these days. That’s pretty sad. Flair opts to whip him into the corner instead, but Benoit comes right back with the rolling germans, as Flair goes low after 3 of them to break. And now, whoo, we go to school, as Flair gets the figure-four, but Benoit instantly makes the ropes. Flair goes right back to the knee, clipping Benoit and stomping away on it, but another try is blocked with the crossface, and Flair taps at 11:19. Flair wasn’t quite up to the challenge after using up his bump card early in the match, but it was still really good. ***

– With Benoit still in the ring, Bischoff joins us to introduce HHH for the contract signing. HHH signs first and then of course has to TALK before Benoit signs, going for a psych job on him to play up his “never won the big one” deal. He goes on about how Benoit is going to choke (which actually fits well with his “Cerebral assassin” gimmick, moreso than any of his lame “Lure the babyface to the ring and hit him with a sledgehammer” plans), but before Benoit can sign, HBK interrupts. He’s a bit pissed because he really wants the title shot and Benoit should have just stayed on Smackdown. Apparently he’s gonna be at Wrestlemania whether Benoit likes it or not. Benoit’s all “That’s great, but fuck off” and Michaels superkicks him. Well that’s not very sporting. And then he signs the contract himself. That’s definitely not very sporting. Well, if you’re gonna play legalities, Shawn stealing the title shot doesn’t negate Benoit still earning a title shot at Wrestlemania, so if they don’t go for the lame three-way, they could do the Wrestlemania X thing and have two title matches, since HHH is now on the hook for both title matches. Anyway, this was all really well done and it’s a nice subtle heel edge to the Shawn character, which is what he was lacking. If so, heel Michaels v. face Benoit in Edmonton would do MONSTER business, especially if a certain someone else gets involved. On the OTHER hand, inserting Michaels into the main event with a crowbar like this is really pissing me off because even in storyline terms he’s already blown his OWN shot at the title TWICE in the last month or so and even the marks seem to understand that.

– Kane v. Hurricane. Hurricane attacks to start and then runs away, but Kane catches him. Big boot and he whips Hurricane into the corner to set up a sideslam, and el chokeslammo kills Hurricane dead at 1:14. Well, so much for hoping for the SMOKE OF DOOM this week. However, Kane is unable to fire his pyro. And what guy wouldn’t be embarrassed by that? In 34 days, the dead shall rise, according to the video screen. So many tasteless jokes to make, so little time.

– Meanwhile, Bischoff tries to placate Benoit by giving him Michaels next week. He can’t reverse the contract, however. Why not? It’s a contract, not a volleyball signup sheet, you can’t just come into the ring and put your name down.

– Meanwhile, Randy Orton thinks there’s a conspiracy against him. Good, all we need is one against HHH and we’re set.

– Video package about the Japan tour. Those might be some interesting tapes to get a hold of.

– Mick Foley joins us now, making it clear he’s not here to screw up Orton’s title match. He talks about hypocrisy in politics and relates it to Randy Orton’s stint in the military and how he went AWOL while serving. OUCH. Orton responds on the video screen and wants Foley in the back right now, and Foley chases him back there like a moron (but at least he’s not a coward) and gets ambushed by Evolution. Batista powerbombs him through a table and Orton slaps him around like a bitch. Foley was kind of asking for that one.

– Intercontinental title: Randy Orton v. Booker T v. Rob Van Dam. Booker attacks Orton on the outside to start and tosses him back in, where RVD drops a leg for two. He lays out Booker with a spinkick next, for two. Booker slugs back with a forearm as Orton watches from the floor, and a back kick gets two. Orton trips him up, but it backfires as Booker drops him on the railing and heads back in. RVD catches him with a baseball slide and slugs him in the corner, into a monkey-flip for two. Floatover suplex gets two. Booker catches him with a knee and starts chopping in the corner, but Rob kicks him out of the corner and the handspring moonsault gets two. Orton heads back in and DDTs Booker for two. Rob spinkicks him down for two. Orton pounds away with forearms on RVD in the corner and stomps him down, for two. He drops some knees on the neck and a legdrop gets two. Rob comes back with another spinkick, but Booker interjects himself for an unintentional double-team, which gets two. Rob and Booker pair off now and slug it out, and Rob gets a mini-frog splash for two. Rolling Thunder gets two. Orton saves and dropkicks Rob on the floor, and now it’s Orton v. Booker. Orton gets two on Booker and they slug it out, but Orton hits him with a neckbreaker for two. Weird moment as JR talks about Orton’s parents dying when he was young. Um, last I checked Cowboy Bob Orton is still alive and well. Rob comes in with a bodypress to break up a backdrop suplex attempt, and everyone is out. Rob tries a cover on both guys, and gets two. Booker gets the axe kick on both, and gets two on Orton. RVD hits Booker with the frog splash, but Orton steals the pin at 10:48. Three-ways suck, and this one was no exception with all the “one guy plays dead on the outside” stuff. *1/2

– Evolution comes out for the celebration, but Foley is still alive. Unlike Bob Orton, if you believe JR. Orton finishes Mick off with an RKO and it’s a heel beatdown, as I sense a six-man next week.

The Bottom Line:

Logic gaps the size of Texas in the contract-signing aside, this was a really entertaining show that kind of fizzled out with the main event somewhat, but still felt a lot more focused because they didn’t waste a lot of time on non-players like the Dudleyz or the Vanilla Jobbers. I don’t like where the Shawn-Benoit-HHH stuff is going, but I like how they’re going there, if that makes sense.

Good stuff tonight.