TNA Impact Insight 08.21.04

Hello everybody, and welcome to this week’s edition of Impact Insight! I’m Steve Cook, and things around here are completely crazy! You got Sabu injured, leaving Raven to get beat in the Hangman’s Horror match by, of all people…..Sonjay Dutt! Not that it would be mentioned on Impact at all, which is partially why I bring it up now. 6 matches are on the bill, 2 of them combine to last about 2 minutes, and I’m packing up to head down to college tommorrow!

With that all being said….no, don’t hit that back button, I hear you doing it, stop that! I will still bring the insight and the Traci lust, honest!

Impact is rated TV PG-V…….the V stands for Violent Panda!

Today on Impact: The title race is heating up, X Champ Petey Williams & World Champ Jeff Jarrett are both in action…who will rise to the occasion?

Impact Zone! Fans! Pyro!

Match 1: Non-title, 10 minute time limit

“Irish” Pat Kenney vs. NWA World Champion Jeff Jarrett

Jarrett gets lots of smoke…enough to make you think you’re at the set for the next Cheech & Chong movie, and some pyro too for the hell of it. Mike Tenay tells us the Date with Fate is on September 8th, while Don West tells us that you have to kill Pat Kenney to beat him. I doubt Fox Sports Net would look too fondly on that, but at any rate we are off and cooking! Tieup into a headlock by the former Simon Diamond & future Mr. Dawn Marie, off the ropes into a shoulderblock by the Irish one! Headlock again by Kenney, off the ropes, clothesline by Kenney! Impact is available in SAP, and speaking of saps, Larry Zybysko is your judge this week! Headlock again by Kenney, off the ropes, Jarrett tries a hip toss, but Kenney reverses and hits one of his own! Jarrett heads outside to try to figure out where the hell his Elite Guard is, but Kenney follows him out and tosses him back in! Kenney forgets the advantage of being the first man in the ring though….you can stomp the dumb bastard following you in! Jarrett does exactly that, then tries the Irish whip, but YOU CAN’T IRISH WHIP AN IRISHMAN! So it gets reversed, Kenney does the atomic drop, and rolls up JJ for a 2 count! A small package also gets 2, Jarrett tries to whip Kenney again….but yeah….Jarrett tries a back body drop, but even Samuel Morse saw that coming, so Kenney kicks Jarrett in the head! He then tries a superkick, but Jarrett dodges it, hits the Stroke, and that is all she wrote!

Your Winner: Jeff Jarrett (1:29)

Jarrett poses with his pyro, then grabs the mike! He says the Charismatic Enema will end up like Pat Kenney…flat on his back! The Stroke is better than the Swanton, the King of the Mountain is better than the Charismatic Enema. He goes over to the announcers, grabs Tenay by the collar because it’s in Tenay’s contract that he gets grabbed by the collar at least once a month, and Kenney attacks from behind! Typical Irishman…he gets Jarrett back into the ring, after some punches Jarrett gets the charging Kenney with an elbow, breaks out the guitar, and it’s EL KABONG for Patrick!

My Insight: Remember my complaining about the match with Jarrett & Psicosis last week? Well, this made that match look like what people said Edge vs. Orton at Vengeance was. I’m not a JJ hater by any means, he’s a credible champ here and doesn’t look like shit in the ring…but these minute and a half squash matches where he gets beat up for awhile, hits the Stroke and wins, aren’t cutting it. Kenney put on a good match for the time he had to do so…but this was still not the best way to open a show.

Coming up next: Kid Kash & Dallas!

Wednesday night: Kazarian & Michael Shane vs. Psicosis & L.A. Park! Vito vs. Chris Vaughn! 3 Live Kru & Dusty Rhodes vs. Team Canada & Coach D’Amore! AMW vs. Triple X! Kid Kash, Dallas, & Monty Brown vs. Ron Killings, the Charismatic Enema, & A.J. Styles!

A.J. says don’t job to Jeff Jarrett at home!

Match 2: 10 minute time limit

Mikey Batts & Jerrelle Clark vs. Kid Kash & Dallas

Batts & Clark got a big victory over the Naturals last week..let’s see if they can pull off another upset here! Kash & Dallas get some pyro, and while Tenay says Dallas is Kid Kash’s “family member”, I wonder exactly what relation they are. Cousins? Brothers? Half-brothers? Anyway, Kash & Batts to start us off…tieup into a go-behind by Kash, he takes Batts down and rides him amateur style. Not like that! Kash talks to the crowd, then turns around to see Batts. Shoves, slaps, and it’s Friday night on the Jerry Springer show! Drop toe hold by Batts on Kash, whip into a leg lariat by Batts! Tag to Clark, Kash rolls over and tags in Dallas. Batts & Clark try to double team Dallas but get absolutely nowhere, as Dallas throws them both off and works over Clark. Clark tags Batts, Dallas tags Kash. Batts hits a german suplex into a rollup, and then another suplex into a rollup, both get a 2 count! Kash fights back, slamming Batts hard to the canvas and then chopping him in the corner! Kash gets whipped, jumps up to the second turnbuckle, then he comes off and they both kick each other and somebody fucked up! Tag to Clark, tag to Dallas, Clark kicks away but Dallas is just too freakin big for it to mean anything, Dallas picks him up and hits a cool looking Catatonic into a facebuster type move for the 3 count!

Your Winners: Kid Kash & Dallas (2:40)

Kash hits the Moneymaker on Clark for shits and giggles.

My Insight: This match didn’t do very much for me for a couple of reasons….the tags meant the same people were in the ring with each other at all times, which was pretty strange to me. Also, that move off the 2nd turnbuckle was just screwy…I dunno if Kash forgot what to do, or if Batts did, but it really took away from the rest of the match. Kash didn’t seem to be on his A game today, the streetfight the night before with Styles probably took a great toll on him.

Coming up next: Petey Williams!

Commercial for 3LK/Dusty vs. TC/D’Amore…Dusty is racist!

We come back to a video package putting over the Canadian Destroyer…some people despise this move because it crushes kayfabe or whatever, but I think it looks pretty damn cool.

Match 3: Non-title, 10 minute time limit

Eddie Villa vs. X Champion Petey Williams

Petey gets his rockets, but there is no D’Amore with him…I remember Russo saying that the coach was barred from ringside last week, but apparently Tenay & West don’t. Petey attacks Villa right at the bell with punches and kicks in the corner, throws Villa off the ropes and hits a big chop. Petey picks up Villa, hits a vertical suplex and then a belly to back suplex! Petey taunts the fans and then hits a standing neckbreaker on Villa. Nice kick by Petey, then he taunts the fans some more because he’s Canadian. Villa is sent into the turnbuckle head first, then gets some punches from Petey, Villa off the ropes and he comes back with a kick, then a punch, then we get a double clothesline! Both men get up, Villa tries a kick thing which is utterly no sold by Petey, Villa sent over the top, he lands on the apron and snaps Petey’s neck on the ropes! Springboard backflip by Villa, a pretty nice suplex gets a 2 count. Villa tries for a slam but Petey slips out and hits his reverse DDT into a facebuster than needs a cool name. I will call it “Canadian Bacon” until I hear something better. “Petey” says the crowd, Petey reels Villa in and then hits the CANADIAN DESTROYER for 3!

Your Winner: X Champion Petey Williams (2:45)

Coach D’Amore comes down to congratulate his student and to put the boots to Villa, this brings out Dusty Rhodes….Rhodes waddles in and threatens D’Amore, but Bobby Roode comes in and hits Dusty from behind! Roode & Williams hold Dusty while D’Amore slaps him, but B.G. James & Konnan come on down and spoil the party.

My Insight: Pure squash, but Petey was good enough to make it tolerable. I don’t like the idea of Dusty coming in to suck off of Team Canada’s heat though….he has a poor track record of putting people over.

Wednesday Wednesday Wednesday!

We return and Shane Douglas is backstage with D.O.A.Vince Russo, Douglas asks Vince what he plans on doing about Dusty Rhodes. Russo says he’ll have something on Wednesday, which brings Coach D’Amore in to whine & complain because he’s a Canadian. Russo has heard more than enough Canadian whining in his lifetime, so he walks away. D’Amore follows in hot pursuit, and Douglas does the funniest “throwing it back to the announcers” bit I’ve ever heard. I dunno, something about the way he laughs is hilarious.

Match 4: 10 minute time limit

Abyss & Alex Shelley (w/Goldylocks) vs. America’s Most Wanted

Abyss gets some pyro love, as does AMW, and Shelley gets the skank. Goldy gives some instructions and Abyss starts off against “Wildcat” Chris Harris. Abyss clubs Harris in the back a few times, then Shelley demands the tag, so the whipped Abyss complies. It was a bad idea though, Shelley gets clotheslined out of his boots! Harris then hits a press slam into a diamond cutter, which is more than enough for Shelley to get out of Dodge and tag Abyss back in. Abyss seems awfully distracted these days…women will do that to you. Clothesline and a double axhandle by Harris, boot in the corner by Harris, but then Abyss press slams him into next week! Which means it’s time for Shelley to tag in since Harris is down. Shelley kicks Harris in the back and hits a neckbreaker for 2. Shelley chokes Harris, puts him in a front chanceory and tags in Abyss. Abyss with the clubs to the back, forearms, and a choke on Harris! Harris finally comes back with a flying forearm and tags in James Storm, who goes bonkers on both Shelley & Abyss with right hands! Powerslam on Shelley! Kick to Abyss! Storm tags Harris in and they hit a double flapjack on Abyss! That gets a 2 count when Shelley breaks it up, and it’s a Pier 4 brawl! Goldy gets up on the apron, which distracts Abyss…he turns around and accidentally hits the big boot on Shelley! Abyss eats superkick from Storm, and Harris spears Shelley for the 3 count!

Your Winners: America’s Most Wanted (3:40)

Goldy chews out Abyss for their loss and even pushes him a couple of times! Abyss almost snaps and attacks Goldy, but Shelley intervenes and pushes him, so Abyss puts him in a chokehold! The fans beg for a chokeslam, but Abyss is whipped and won’t do it.

My Insight: Good little match here, though I am still not on that Abyss bandwagon. He is playing the role of jilted lover well though. AMW was good as always, but there was way too much Goldylocks on screen! 2 years ago I wouldn’t have minded, but she’s really gone downhill in the looks department since then.

Coming up next: Monty Brown!

AMW vs. Triple X commercial…it’s all tied up!

A.J. says don’t get bossed around by Goldylocks at home.

We return to a video showing how Monty Brown was jobbed out of his title shot. Damn it all!

Match 5: 10 minute…oh please!

Demetus Anglin vs. Monty Brown

The jobber looks like he’s ready to piss his pants while walking down to the ring. I can’t say that I blame him. Monty gets his pyro…did you know he was trained by Dan Severn? If only Severn had Monty’s charisma, he could have made it big in the WWF. Monty starts with a overhead belly to belly suplex….very nice! He puts the boots to Anglin, then starts talking to the camera. He picks up Anglin and chops him down…the fans are already chanting “pounce”…there’s no way the match ends this early! Or is there? Monty whips him into the ropes, heads off the other side, and hits the POOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUUNNNNNNNNNNNNNCCCCCCCEEEEEEEE! Anglin is dead, and the match is over.

Your Winner: Monty Brown (:46)

My Insight: Holy shit…they’re turning up the squash machine to make Monty look even more unbeatable. I don’t get them teaming him with Kash & Dallas though. If Monty’s going after Jarrett, he’s a face. Right?

Right?

Coming up next: Larry Zybysko in the 6 Points of Impact!

Wednesday!

A.J. says that if you even think about letting Monty Brown pounce you, you’re a fucking idiot.

6 Points of Impact with Larry Zybysko

JH: How mentally tough do you have to be to be world champion?

LZ: It’s a 24 hour a day 7 day a week job, everyone is after you.

JH: Jarrett vs. Enema?

LZ: The Enema has the opportunity of a lifetime.

JH: Harley Race?

LZ: Conviction, he stands by his word.

JH: Terry Funk?

LZ: Legally insane, off the wall, but fits with the committee.

JH: Dusty Rhodes?

LZ: Individual, emotional, big ego, pouts, Russo made the right decision.

JH: Russo/Dusty?

LZ: September 8th, the committee will be in attendance, if they don’t settle their differences we will settle the differences for them.

Tenay & West talk about the usual crap while an ignorant fan makes faces behind them with a pencil in his mouth…no wonder the public thinks we’re all idiots. D’Amore and company come out…D’Amore says they want 3LK & Dusty now, so they come out! 3LK & Team Canada fight on the outside, Rhodes & D’Amore are in the ring, Vince Russo comes down to try to ease the tension, but Rhodes hits the worst tackle ever on D’Amore and he be clubberin, Tony! Security breaks up the hilarity.

Coming up next: A.J. Styles, the Truth, and some guy take on Cross, Kaz, & Shane!

The 6-man main event for Wednesday commercial….I still don’t get the paring of Monty with Kash & Dallas.

We’re back, and see a promo for the Date with Fate on September 8. Who’s Fate?

Match 6:

Jason Cross, Kazarian, & Michael Shane (w/Traci) vs. Ron “The Truth” Killings, A.J. Styles, & The Charismatic Enema

For those of you who don’t know, I am absolutely infatuated with Traci. Click here, here and here for reasons. Shane & Kaz both feel the need to tell the camera they’re TNA’s greatest tag team. Styles gets his Orton leftovers, and Hardly gets a lot of purple smoke and some pyro. I would like to point out that Hardy’s skin matches the green tights Shane & Kazarian are wearing. Truth & Kaz start things off, tieup into a headlock by Truth, off the ropes and a shoulderblock by Kaz! Truth answers with a powerslam and some punches, gets whipped into the corner but floats over, does the splits and hits the arm drag! Armwringer, Kaz tries to get out but Truth hits the hip toss and keeps the arm wringer on. Truth tags in A.J., while Kaz rolls over and tags in Shane. “A.J” says the crowd, Shane gets the arm bar though, which is reversed, a headlock into an arm drag by A.J., Shane hits a snap mare, A.J. goes back to the arm wringer, Shane runs around in a circle trying to break it, but no luck! He finally breaks it and hits a chop on A.J., off the ropes, A.J. hits the dropkick! Tag to the Enema…boots in the corner. He messes up the jawbreaker the first time but hits it the second. Nutcracker legdrop, Kaz comes in to help, and Cross joins in to beat down Hardly while the ref has his back turned! But Truth & A.J. come in, and Cross gets the 3-man beatdown when Shane & Kaz wisely retreat! Poetry in Motion, first by Styles, then by the Enema! Tag to Truth, whip, kick by Truth! Punch for Shane, but Kaz comes in and kicks Truth! Cross slams him, hits the rolling legdrop and then a Michinoku driver…goes up top and misses a twisting moonsault that Tenay wrongly claimed to the the Crossfire, which is actually the shooting star legdrop. Idiot! Truth tags in the enema and he goes all swoll on the other team, punches for everybody! Kick for Kaz! Flatliner for Shane! Twist of Fate to Cross! Cover is broken up by Shane, A.J. attacks with a springboard flying forearm! Kaz attacks A.J., but Truth hits him with a kick, both Shane & Kaz are outside now, so A.J. runs and jumps to the floor, landing on both of them! Cross eats Swanton, and the credits roll and we’re outta here!

Your Winners: Ron Killings, A.J. Styles, and the Charismatic Enema (5:57)

My Insight: Good main event as usual when you have Styles, Kazarian, & Shane involved. They all did well, Cross did good too and Truth did his thing well. I shall not comment on that other guy….oh how I will be pissed if he somehow becomes champion on September 8th. Needed more Traci though.

My Overall Insight: Not one of the better editions of Impact, but it wasn’t too terrible either. The main event, the AMW match, Petey’s match, and Monty killing the jobber make up for the crap that was the first two matches. I was a bit disappointed that we didn’t see anything from the mystery guy that used to be in WWE and teamed with Paul London that is supposed to be debuting soon. Maybe next week?

Before I go, I would like to cheaply plug a work of mine that doesn’t cover TNA…this week I was kinda pissy about some of the activity of the Raw brand, so I had some Random Raw Ramblings. Rambling at 3 AM rules!

Next week I will be on a slightly different schedule, as I will likely be traveling from Louisville to home Friday after I watch & tape Impact to take care of business. But I reckon it’ll be posted on Saturday as usual, so y’all don’t even have to worry about it. Until then, this is Steve Cook saying…Have a nice day!