TNA Sudden Impact 06.18.04

Coming at you live after an 8 hour drive from Bumfuck, Tennessee. Population 12 teeth.

There’s nothing quite like driving that long only to get minutes from your destination and seeing “Caution: Falling Rocks” on the interstate. The fuck does that mean? So I’m lookin’ up both sides as my ears pop going through canyons. Eh, I’m a city boy, the hell with these people. Pretty city boy in the mountains… first time I hear “you gota purdy mouf” I’m running and never looking back.

Brought to you this week by:

Copenhagen Black: Bourbon flavored chewing tobacco. The only thing these people and I have in common. Mmmmm.

I actually don’t mind all the commercials this time around… the 2nd anniversary show was very well booked. If they run PPVs every week they need to super build one once a month.

Pretty packed house and your announcers are Mike Tenay and the anti-christ Don West.

Match One: Michael Shane (w/Tracy) vs Chris Sabin vs Miyamoto vs Elix Skipper vs Frankie Kazarian vs Hector Garza

First TNA match for AJPW’s Miyamoto in this 6-pack X-Division battle. We got Sabin and Kazarian to start. Hook up with Sabin hitting a huricanrana but its followed by a spinkick by Frankie. Michael Shane is tagged in to fight Sabin. A lot of knife-edge chops leads to a springboard dropkick by Sabin taking Shane down. Skipper tagged in by Sabin. Skipper crotches Shane on the ropes and walks over for something special and trips. Tenay says Shane shook the ropes but on your SUPER TIVO REPLAY it shows he actually tried to hold him up… cute cover but you can’t trump technology bitch. Shane punches away as they’re both crotched on the top and hits a huricanrana on Skipper back to the mat. Skipper misses a punch and goes over the top but keeps himself on the apron. Punch by Skipper and a headscissors over the top rope. Miyamoto in to fight Skipper and takes him down immediately. Long long suplex by Miyamoto, 1-2- no. Punch takes him down for another 2. Skipper bridges out of the pin and takes down Miyamoto with a hard kick. Garza is tagged in to face Miyamoto. They fly off all the ropes ending in a closeline by Garza. All 6-men are in and it’s “BONZO GONZO” (c) Keith. Sabin and Shane duel on one side while Skipper and Kazarian are on the other. Shane tries to toss Sabin but he lands on the apron and moonsaults backwards onto Garza outside (very nice). Skipper hits the Play of the Day on Kazarian who rolls outside but Miyamoto uses trademarked Japanese move #4 and mists Skipper in the eyes. Its Sabin and Shane up in the ring as Sabin jumps on Shane’s back and they both fall over the top and MYSPACEBARBREAKS….FUCK! That’s how exciting this action is. That should be a trademark… send my check to Widro. Garza back in with a downed Miyamoto and stomps him down. Garza lands a corkscrew and gets a 1-2-3 for the win…even though he missed completely.

West: He lands it perfectly!

I hate you. He landed his head on his knee… you covering simplistic ass.

Winner: Hector Garza at 5:15. 8.5/10.0. That was the best 5 minute match I’ve ever seen.

Coming up next Sabu!

COMMERCIALS! I ain’t gotta watch em…

We’re back with the Naturals walking down the ramp in AMW’s clothing from last Wednesday. Attack from the crowd by AMW and we have a brawl. Security (8-Ball and Skull) runs down and breaks it all up… time for a match.

Match Two: The Naturals vs Sabu and Sonjay Dutt

We’ll start with Dutt and Chase Stevens. A few reversals leading to a headscissors by Dutt to both members of the Natural and hits another on Stevens. He rolls outside and takes down Douglas again before rolling in and getting tripped by Douglas while running the ropes. Andy Douglas puts Dutt on the ropes for a choke until the ref breaks it up and drags him by the hair into the corner where he pulls on his arms. Dutt with punches as they run across the ropes and Douglas ends it with a high knee to the face. Tag in to Stevens who works the midsection of Dutt. Dutt reverses with a back kick and a flying neckbreaker to take the momentum back. Sonjay reaches out to Sabu and makes the tag. Sabu with a couple of spots on Douglas including a springboard moonsault for 2. The Naturals doubleteam but Sabu reverses and takes down both. He stomps on Stevens and goes up high with a legdrop. Cobra Clutch on Chase Stevens but lets go and he has a chair. Triple jump moonsault and a tag to Dutt who misses the Hindu Press and the Naturals double team and hit the Natural Disaster for the win at 4:56. I used to do that move as a fake tag finisher with a friend on dirty dumpster mattresses when I was little. Hepatitis Schmepatitis. I like to throw in little fun facts here and there. The Naturals double up on Dutt but Sabu cleans house while the Indians regroup in the ring. Winners: The Naturals. 5.0/10.0.

Clips of Raven’s upcoming tribute to the Sheik showing the history.

Up Next: Abyss. I don’t know who he’s fighting but it’ll be over within 2 minutes… MARK IT DOWN.

COMMERCIALS…Angels vs Astros? God bless west coast satellite stations.

Back with clips of Shark Boy chillin’ in Orlando riding rides and rollin’ with Popeye.

Match Three: D-Ray 3000 vs Abyss

D-Ray strokes his fro and Abyss comes out with Goldylocks who has the briefcase handcuffed on her wrist. Abyss embarrasses D-Ray who can’t get him down. Avalanche in the corner and punches to the stomach. He misses this avalanche but D-Ray can’t followup on it. Abyss signals to the crowd but D-Ray reverses, runs the ropes and gets caught in the Black Hole Slam for the pin at 1:23. Winner: Abyss. 1.0/10.0.

You know if they wanna build him up so bad Shark Boy and D-Ray ain’t the way. Everyone keeps talking about a future championship run but I can’t see it.

COMMERCIALS.

Match Four: AJ Styles vs Mr. Aguila

Bell rings and we’re under way. It’s non-title to fit their time restraints and Aguila works the arm to start. Armbar by Aguila reverses to a headlock by Styles who gets an atomic drop for his troubles. Beautiful dropkick by Styles takes Aguila down, bodyslam, and a knee drop. 1-2-, no. Punches by Styles in the corner, Irish whip, and an elbow smash in the corner. Styles with a suplex and he spins him around for all to see, 1-2, no. We get Kid Kash and Dallas on the rampway looking on. Distraction works as Aguila tosses Styles outside and rolls under the bottom rope for a huricanrana.

COMMERCIALS. It’d be nice if just ONE TIME Tenay and West could talk about the match in the ring instead of the PPV. I mean, I understand, hype the PPV and all but you actually have a couple GOOD MATCHES this week.

We’re back and both men are down in the ring. Styles is up first and punches on Essa. Clips from the break which stops the action currently in the ring. Spinkick by Styles, 1-2-, no again. Brilliant Cliffhanger by AJ Styles still only gets 2. He climbs up to the top and gets crotched after Aguila pushes the ref into the ropes. Aguila follows up but can’t get the superplex. Styles tosses him down and jumps off for a sunset flip, 1-2… wait, Styles back up for the Styles Clash but Aguila uses his head to smack Styles in the crotch. Great transition, good stuff…should have ended there. Backbody drop by Aguila and follow up punches. Styles ducks under and hits the Styles Clash for the pin at 7:39. Winner: AJ Styles. 6.0/10.0. Kash and Dallas run down to beat on Styles but D-Lo Brown is out to clear the ring. He grabs a mic!

“Do you guys think AJ Styles winning the X-Division title made an Impact!”

::Silence::

“Well I do too!”

AWKWARD! He’s going to be at the anniversary show and challenge the winner of the Jarrett/Killings match.

COMMERCIALS.

They should replace Don West with ..anyone. A goat, retarded child, poster of Don West. Doesn’t matter.

“THE PPV IS ONLY $9.95! LESS THAN 10 DOLLARS! BUY THIS CAR BUY THIS CAR! AIR CONDITIONING! POWER WINDOWS! THAT’S NOT ALL, THAT’S NOT ALL! FOUR TIRES…YES FOUR!”

Clip package of Trinity vs Desire with Trinity breaking Desire’s back last year. They’ll compete in a stretcher match on Wednesday.

MORE COMMERCIALS! Wow Don West took up an entire segment.

Match Five: Eric Young (w/D’Amore) vs Ron Killings (w/3LK)

Killings does some shitty dancing Mark Madsen style. Eric Young makes me smile and attacks Killings from behind. Oh boy Dusty Rhodes is out for commentary. Killings kicks down Young, jumps around, shakes, jiggles. Where’s my gun? D’Amore trips up Truth but Jerry Lynn runs down and takes D’Amore away from the match. Young with an Irish whip, swings and misses and gets taken down. Powerslam by Killings. Young is back up while Truth looks at the crowd and takes him down with an elbow. Young takes Killings’ head to the turnbuckle and chokes him on the bottom rope. Headbutt. Teach him to dance! 1-2-,no. No time now I guess. Young puts Killings on his back and jumps on his face…followed by a sideslam, 1-2, no. Young gets tossed but does a Ric Flair and runs on the apron to another turnbuckle. Truth goes after him Kurt Angle style and belly-to-bellys him off the top. Both men look dead 3 minutes into the match. Killings reverses Young’s punches and back body drops him. Punch by Killings leads to a bunch of flips and a kick. The Lie Detector, 1-2-3 at 4:14. Well, that was out of nowhere. Way to make Young look like a complete chump. 3.0/10.0. Horrid. Winner: Ron Killings.

Jeff Jarrett is out in a tux holding his guitar. They point at each other and yell before Jarrett turns quickly and Kabong’s Dusty in the face with the guitar. YAY! Killings runs out to save him but gets the same treatment. Smash, smash, smash. 3 Live comes to make the save and Jarrett runs up the entrance ramp.

Vince Russo says Jarrett is out of control and it’s his job to put him back into control. Suspend him without pay? Nope, he’s not gonna do that because he would only be hurting The Truth. That’s code for Killings would destroy the show. He tells Jarrett to bring the guitar because a DQ in TNA means a title change. Killings runs up the ramp but continues to get his ass handed to him all the way into the crowd. Security and refs hold BG James and Konnan back.

THE END

Best show of the 3 so far with that first match being the best of the crop.

How to make the show better

1. Kill Don West
2. Don’t Push Killings
3. Kill Don West
4. More X-Division
5. Do Something With Abyss
6. Kill Don West
7. WHERE WAS SHANE DOUGLAS!? Bastards.

Next week is the big 2nd anniversary show featuring:

World Title: Jeff Jarrett vs Ron Killings
X-Title: AJ Styles vs Kid Kash
Stretcher Match: Trinity vs Desire
Tag Titles: AMW vs Nosawa and Miyamoto
Jerry Lynn vs Scott D’Amore
Mini Luchadores from Mexico
Raven’s tribute to The Sheik

Nice buildup should easily be worth $10. If you have access to PPV and want to see some TNA check it the hell out.

I’m gonna go watch pickup trucks and fat people. God bless the mountains of East Tennessee.