TNA Sudden Impact 06.25.04

Note to emailers: My email wasn’t exactly cooperative this week and wouldn’t let me reply to emails when I read most of them this week. If you sent one and asked a question that’s why no response was in your box.

Coming at you on VCR and a bit inebriated we’re ready for some Impact!

This week brought to you by:

Princess Madeleine of Sweden. What’s up baby, I’m Mike. What? Fine, whatever.

I haven’t read spoilers or any other reports this week… all I ask is Shane Douglas. Please… Shane Douglas. Save your show.

Comin’ at you taped from Orlando, Florida.

Your hosts are Mike Tenay and the devil incarnate Don West.

Starting this week and every week until he’s gone I will present a new weapon I would use to murder Mr. West given the opportunity.

This week it’s the AK-47 Assault Rifle. Designed by Mikhail Timofeyevich Kalashnikov, the AK was drawn and submitted in 1946 after Kalashnikov spent time in the hospital following a battle wound. In 1949 the rifle was accepted as standard USSR military weaponry and is now the best selling gun in history. This weapon would be perfect for blowing the face off of West in a very bloody, painful way…and then his mother.

Video package: What will be done with the World Title?

This week’s main event will be AJ Styles and D’Lo vs Dallas and Abyss.

Match One: Amazing Red, Chris Sabin, and Elix Skipper vs Frankie Kazarian, Nosawa, and Miyamoto

We’ll start with Amazing Red and Kazarian. Kazarian attacks to start and multiple Irish whips and reverses. Red kicks Kazarian but Kazarian counters with a reverse flip neckbreaker as Kazarian tags in Nosawa. Red tags out to Sabin who hits some elbow shots on Nosawa and sends him into the corner with some kicks. Sabin misses a closeline but hits a dropkick and gets a 2 as Vince Russo is shown walking around backstage with the title belt. Nosawa tags out to Miyamoto as we find out Dusty Rhodes isn’t this weeks judge and instead we get Larry Zbyszko. Stop talking about how great the X-Division is if you’re not going to call the match as it happens. Sabin huricanranas Miyamoto and tags in Skipper. Skipper hits some kicks and a gutwrench for a 2 count. Armdrag by Skipper but the pin is broken up by Kazarian. Skipper tags in Red and they hit a nice doubleteam move on Miyamoto for 2. Red hits Miyamoto and goes to the top completely missing some type of aerial move.

Tenay: He crashed and burned, came up way short. It was Kazarian who shook the top rope and caused Red to fall.

West: Oh absolutely….

Look, it’s okay that he fell. FUCKING SAY IT. It’s not a crime, spots are missed in every match, it happens. I’m tired of you fuckers always covering it up, how about just not mentioning it? The Japs double team Red and place him on the top rope. Nosawa sits down on Miyamoto’s shoulders and hits a nice superplex for a good visual on Red. 1-2-, no. Skipper breaks it up. Nosawa hits a Michinoku-Driver but pulls him up at 2. Tag in to Kazarian who punches away on Red. Kazarian misses some closelines and it gives Red time to tag out to Chris Sabin who comes in WITH A FURY and takes Kazarian down. He continues to dominate and faceplants Frankie for a 2, broken up by Miyamoto. Sabin reverses and hits a tornado DDT on Miyamoto while kicking Kazarian while in the air… purdy. Sabin stands alone and shows off to the crowd. Sabin puts Nosawa on the top rope and tags out to Primetime who walks the top rope and headscissors him to the mat. Sabin runs and jumps the top rope and splashes onto Miyamoto ouside. Red goes up and smacks down hard on Kazarian leaving Red and Skipper against Nosawa. Double team on Nosawa as Skipper ropes him and Red hits the 718 and proceeds to climb up to the top. Red moonsaults off the top onto Kazarian outside leaving Skipper and Nosawa alone in the middle of the ring. Primetime sets up for the Play of the Day and hits it cleanly, 1-2-3 for the pin at 5:33. Winners: Red, Skipper, and Sabin. 6.0/10.0. Good little match but too many missed spots.

When we come back it’ll be Monty Brown against Pat Kenney.

COMMERCIALS. Fast forward is a great button.

A graphic saying Jonny Fairplay from Survivor will make headlines again next week on Impact! I for one cannot wait. Wow Rodman AND Jonny Fairplay? You’d think this was WWE with all the incredible celebrity action!

Match Two: Monty Brown vs Pat Kenney

Pat Kenney is Simon Diamond for those of you that don’t follow. Tests of strength to start with Brown running off the ropes and slamming into Kenney. On the third try Brown gets armdragged and then armdragged again for good measure and retreats outside to regroup. Kenney with a crossbody block from the top outside the ring and tosses him back in. Both men back up and Brown takes the advantage back with a punch to the face which floors Kenney. Stomp. Punch. Punch. Choke. We see the NYC backstage in their stupid little outfits as Brown punches Kenney in the mouth again taking him down. Sleeperhold by Monty Brown in the center of the ring but Kenney fights out with elbows to the gut before getting floored down again. They exchange some sweet sounding punches in the middle but guess what, Brown wins again. Kenney fights back with a tornado punch and takes him into the turnbuckle. Kenney hits a superkick and goes for a pin but Brown gets his foot under the ring rope. Both men back up and Brown reverses an Irish whip, runs off the ropes and hits the Pounce. 1-2-3 at 3:52. Winner: “Alpha Male” Monty Brown. 4.0/10.0. Lots of punches and little else.

Coming up next: America’s Most Wanted vs Team Canada

COMMERCIALS.

Match Three: Team Canada (Petey Williams/Bobby Rude) vs America’s Most Wanted

AMW comes out with American flags draped around their backs…ohhhh tag. We’ve got Petey Williams and James Storm to start and this is a non-title bout. I never realized how little Petey Williams was until he’s in there with a guy over six feet tall. Staredown at center ring and Williams bitchslaps Storm. This pisses off Storm who closelines Petey and takes him to the corner to tag in Harris. Harris with an armbar but Petey gets out with kicks to the gut and tags in Bobby Rude. Rude punches away on Chris Harris as we see SHANE DOUGLAS! in the back waiting for Russo! There we go. Rude tries to suplex Harris but it’s reversed into a long suplex by Harris. Petey is tagged back in but gets taken down immediately by Harris. Storm is tagged in for some double teaming action and then runs across to take out Rude. Rude storms back in but AMW take Petey Williams feet first and ram him into Rude, sending him outside. The cheese stands alone in the ring…. the cheese being AMW. D’Amore distracts Storm allowing Bobby Rude to come up and sucker punch him while Williams gets him in the back. Rude chokes down Storm in the corner and we have….

COMMERCIALS. Ohhhhhh Kid Kash vs AJ Styles this week on PPV. Where does he get off bitching about TNA? As I say every week he’s just an undersized piece of shit who can’t realistically take down anyone. Did you see the match with Chris Harris? He could barely pick him up and bodyslammed him a good 8 inches off the ground… Harris had to sell that and it looked ridiculous. Go home Kash, no one needs you.

And we’re back 5:40 into the match with Storm in a submission by Rude. Storm fights out, runs the ropes and gets attacked by Williams. Petey is tagged in and stomps down Storm in the corner. Petey runs away and jumps to the top but gets powerbombed to the canvas by Storm. He’s trying to tag in Harris and makes it while Rude is tagged in on the other side. Monster closeline by Harris and a full nelson slam…1-2—2 Ѕ— no. The Living Legend is looking on to make a decision should the time limit run out. Double team move on the top is stopped by Rude and what we have in the corner is best described as a clusterfuck. Harris is on the top turnbuckle, Petey is trying to superplex him, Storm is underneath Petey and Rude is underneath him. It’s basically a triple decker superplex….dammit where’s my Csonkastrator. We fly off and Harris is dead and the other three aren’t much better off. Double closeline takes down both Storm and Rude. Harris and Petey are alone in the ring, Harris with a spear but gets powerslammed by Rude, 1-2, no. Storm sends Rude into the corner but gets reversed… attempted tornado DDT but Storm tosses Rude over the top onto the apron, misses a punch, and Storm superkicks Rude to hell. Slingshot bodyblock by Storm outside to Rude. Harris looks to put Petey away in the center of the ring but The Naturals interfere, toss powder in Harris’ eyes and take a steel chair to his face. Petey comes in to cover and the referee is apparently blind to the big clumps of white powder all over the ring….1-2-3. It’s over. Winners: Team Canada at 9:28. 7.0/10.0. Solid match.

What’s the decision for the World Title? We’ll find out next.

COMMERCIALS.

Clip package of Vince Russo’s tough decisions.

We have a band in the ring playing some music and we give a “royal entrance” to the “man of the moment and talk of the town”… the King of the Mountain… Jeff Jarrett. Why do so many of you people not like Jeff Jarrett? He can wrestle, he can talk, he has name power. I want him on my screen all the time.

Jarrett, suit on and guitar in hand, struts down to the ring with the band playing. The white gloves really make the outfit. Jarrett defends his position by reminding us of Russo’s comments that the guitar would lead to a DQ. He says there is no decision to be made, it’s obvious. He calls out Russo to give him his world title back… “now”. The Living Legend comes out in a very gay Hawaiian shirt and white slacks. I feel like I’m on Queer Eye, I need to stop. Larry gets in and gets in the face of Jarrett as they exchange insults. Larry has a message for Jarrett… he left a room with Russo and Dusty Rhodes and they want him to relay a message. “You will get their decision THIS WEDNESDAY on PPV!” Boos from the crowd for obvious reasons.

So first you fuck up your 2 year anniversary show, I get alot of emails saying it was the first and last time they’d ever order a TNA PPV, and now they piss off the people that watched Impact! by lying about the decision. Fuck TNA.

Jarrett sends Larry to the back to get his damn title and Larry reminds him Russo is trying to make a fair decision and needs some more time. As Zbyszko turns to the crowd Jarrett KABONGS him which brings out 3LK. Konnan, BG, and Killings triple team him and take him out but the Elite Guard of Jarrett run in to even things out.

COMMERCIALS.

TNA Flashback: Clip from Japan of Hogan wanting the NWA Title as Jeff Jarrett smacks him with the guitar and then a steel chair. Asswhoopin’ of Jimmy Hart follows as Jarrett punches away on a downed Hogan. Hogan is busted open all the way across his forehead as medics rush in to help him.

We’re back with Tenay and ….Don West. They talk about the clip and say Jarrett is dominating all around the world. West shills (go figure) the title decision “but thats not ALL this Wednesday!” and they proceed to go over the entire PPV lineup for the fourth time tonight. This is like a fucking soap opera… it takes 5 months to get through a day. Impact, PPV, Impact, PPV you’ll get your decision on Impact!…. promise! Dennis Rodman will be on Impact! next week.

Clip package of Jeff Hardy.

Coming up next: D’Lo and AJ Styles vs Dallas and Abyss.

COMMERCIALS.

Match Four: Abyss and Dallas vs D’Lo Brown and AJ Styles

Goldylocks accompanies Abyss to the ring and they hype the cash vs contract match on Wednesday. Dallas out in a backwards trucker hat…. okay. D’Lo out next and then he brings out Styles while on the ramp. Abyss and Dallas attack outside to start as Styles and Dallas exchange blows with D’Lo and Abyss on the other side of the ring. Abyss and D’Lo start in the ring with Abyss missing a splash in the corner. D’Lo tries a suplex but it’s not workin’ and Abyss tosses him off. Styles in to help and they double team Abyss and send Dallas outside. We’re still not official as all four are in the ring with Styles hitting a double closeline from the top and D’Lo cleaning up the mess when they don’t go down. Double team on Abyss with multiple Stinger Splashes. We’ve finally got D’Lo and Abyss in the ring and it’s official. Dallas is tagged in and he takes the boots to D’Lo at the three minute mark. Abyss back in and they double team on D’Lo. Abyss takes him down with some shots and then chokes him on the middle rope. Tag out to Dallas who continues the choking. Watch the exciting TNA wrestling action! Bodyslam by Dallas showing his move arsenal but he misses a knee and D’Lo comes back with a shining wizard, taking Dallas down. Both men want a tag and Dallas makes it…as does D’Lo. Styles punches on Abyss but he’s having trouble taking him down…. a spinkick does the job. Styles springboards with a flying forearm to take down Abyss but Dallas attacks from behind. As Styles is up in the air D’Lo attacks and sets up a double team move. Styles pins Dallas, 1-2, no. Styles attacks Abyss back to the ground and Styles attacks but gets caught in the air and slammed to the mat. D’Lo spears Abyss through the ropes outside the ring. Dallas left in the ring and tries to chokeslam Styles but he’s caught in midair with a hurricanrana for the pin, 1-2-3. It’s over at 6:37. Winners: AJ Styles and D’Lo Brown. 5.0/10.0. The offense on the other side consisted of nothing but choking and punches.

Monty Brown comes down and attacks D’Lo Brown as Kid Kash and Dallas doubleteam AJ Styles. Moneymaker by Kash. It’s 4 on 2 as Abyss has the chain choking out D’Lo Brown as Monty Brown stomps. Goldylocks looks pleased with the situation.

END SHOW.

As I said it wouldn’t be that bad if they used the show to just hype the PPVs but now it’s at the point where the PPV doesn’t even pay off and they tell you to tune into Impact. Then they tell you to tune into the PPV, then Impact, then the PPV. People are paying for these PPVs you assholes, figure out what you’re going to do. Hell they even teased Shane Douglas in the back and couldn’t pay off him ever doing anything.

Not a bad show… 2nd or 3rd out of the four. Atleast they had 4 matches that last a little longer instead of five 4 minute matches.

Wednesday’s PPV

X Title: AJ Styles (c) vs Kid Kash
D’Lo Brown vs Monty Brown
Tag Titles: America’s Most Wanted (c) vs The Naturals
Erik Watts vs Abyss
Team Canada vs Sonjay Dutt and Sabu
Double or Nothing Humiliation Match: NY Connection vs Siaki and Kenney