TNA Sudden Impact 07.23.04

5.5 isn’t anything to sneeze at… width baby, width.

Okay, so last week I was out of state and “someone” said they’d do the review for me. They couldn’t get the torrent so BOOM, no column two weeks in a row. You thought “thank GOD, perhaps Widro finally got rid of him!” But no, good friends, this isn’t some site that a forumer set up so he and his untalented friends could write articles and pretend people read them, this is 411! You can’t kick me off the ladder cuz I just won’t let go.. unless you’re a clown, I hate clowns.

This weeks TNA review brought to you by the good people of ESPN NFL Football (2k5). If you own a video game system it is your DUTY to buy this game for $20 so perhaps other games will follow suit.

We’re NOT LIVE from Orlando with your hosts Mike Tenay and Mephistopheles. (Who, by the way, hasn’t annoyed me for two weeks. Therefore we shall skip killing him.)

Match One: Jerrelle Clark vs AJ Styles

Why do I feel like I’m watching WWF Superstars, circa 1987? Lockup to start to a headlock for Styles. Armbars (TNA loves those) back to a headlock for Styles. Leapfrog for Clark, leapfrog for Styles, and a dropkick ends the ever enjoyable sequence. Styles feels proud of his dropkick and pounds his chest for the crowd. It was a good dropkick AJ, don’t get me wrong, but it’s still just a dropkick. Clark takes advantage and locks Styles in a Kimura armbar (OMG HES AN MMA SUPERSTAR!). Styles powers out and tosses him like a lump into the corner. Missed closelines as Clark goes outside and gets caught trying for a tornado DDT and tossed to the mat. Styles flies into a corner, Clark ducks, but Styles does a beautiful backflip off the turnbuckle and lands an inverted DDT in the process. You can’t even do that shit in video games. Clark tries to fight back but gets reversed into a Styles Clash for the 1-2-3 at 2:55. Winner: AJ Styles. 5.0/10.0 which isn’t bad considering Clark got in 3 shots of offense…counting a missed closeline.

Kazarian and Shane appear on the entrance ramp and they proceed to POINT AND YELL! Only on TNA!

COMMERCIALS. Wait, whats this? Red Bull and Jack in the Box? Aww… it’s like watching your child take its first steps…. only not at all like that.

Match Two: Abyss and Alex Shelley (w/Goldylocks) vs Abismo Negro and Mr. Aguila

Another matchup that could go either way. We’ll start with Shelley and Negro locking up and it ends with an ankle lock by Shelley. Negro powers out and tries a pinfall, reverse, and we’re back on our feet. Single leg takedown by Negro but he gets floored down by Shelley, knee to the face, reverse, sunset flip and a dropkick to the face by Negro. Abismo takes Shelley in the corner and tags in Aguila. Double team faceplant by the Mexicans followed by elbow drops and double dropkicks. Aguila with KNIFE EDGE chops and a closeline. Pinfall attempt, 1-2, no. Aguila tags back in Negro who immediately gets reversed as Shelley makes his way to the corner to Abyss…. its officially asswhoopin time. Punches to the gut on Negro, blown spot by Abismo off the turnbuckle and he gets slammed anyway. Tag back to Shelley who knees Negro in the face, dropping him back down. Snap suplex, 1-2, no. Shelley sends Abismo’s face into the turnbuckle but misses his charge and ends up nuts first on the turnbuckle. Aguila comes back in with fire in his veins (punches) but Abyss comes in the ring and immediately goes for a chokeslam. Negro in to help and they double team resulting in a faceplant, 1-2, Abyss powers out of a double pin. Shelley back in and takes down Mexico. Shelley with an inverted atomic drop but as he jumps up on the ropes Negro dropkicks him off, over the top, and onto the cold mat outside. Abyss back in and kills both the border jumpers. Try all the fancy moves you want Aguila… Abyss is an unstoppable monster from what I hear. Shock Treatment by Abyss on Aguila as Negro makes an effort to help. Abyss takes him out of the picture as Shelley reappears on the top rope and hits his jumping….headstand… thing on Aguila for the pinfall at 5:28. Winners: Abyss and Alex Shelley. 4.0/10.0. They keep finding ridiculous ways to get Shelley’s opponents in that retarded position for him to hit his move. It’s like killing Kenny in the first season of South Park, you didn’t think they could do it week after week but dammit if they don’t.

Abyss looks pissed that Shelley got the pin as he watches his teammate celebrate with Goldy. I smell a feud…. and dandruff shampoo… is Biscuiti here?

COMMERCIALS.

Clips of Jeff Hardy and Monty Brown having a misunderstanding which will lead to a match on the PPV Wednesday in a #1 contender match.

Match Three: Antonio Banks vs Monty Brown

Banks looks like he just finished robbing a liquor store and shooting dice in front of a run down building, but I imagine that’s what he’s going for. Pounce, less than 3 minutes… mark it down. Brown “pounces” to start and tosses Banks outside the ring. Brown follows with stomps and sends Banks’ neck onto the guardrail. Punches to the back and he tosses him back in. Monty Brown can actually pull off those cheetah tights…. never thought I’d say that. Banks with PUNCHES but that lasts roughly 4 seconds before Brown jacks him back where he belongs. Toss off the ropes, the Pounce, 1-2-3 at 1:44. MotY candidate! 1.5/10.0 only because Banks’ eyes rolled back in his head after the Pounce and that was pretty neat for lack of a better phrase.

Seriously, if this were a drinking game and you took a shot for every time a jobber hit ONE MOVE you’d be staring at a full bottle right about now.

COMMERCIALS.

We’re back with Tenay and Pudge talking about the tag title cage match from last week. Pudge calls it a “match of the year candidate.” Obviously he wasn’t watching the Monty Brown/Antonio Banks encounter as closely as I was.

Match Four: Team Canada vs Amazing Red, Chris Sabin, Sonjay Dutt, and Mikey Batts

Team Canada attacks on all fronts from behind (?) to start it out. There’s too much red in the ring and my screen is a blur. Sonjay in the ring with Eric Young whom he uses as a trampoline and jumps onto Team Canada on the apron. Roode (thats how they spelled it this week, don’t ask me why) stomping and choking on Dutt while the refs back is turned. Double underhook slam gets 2 for Roode. Snap mayer followed by a submission move that looks more like a threat to break his neck. Dutt fights back and eventually gets a dropkick and a tag to Sabin. Sabin picks up Petey Williams and throws him into Bobby Roode. 1-2-, pin stopped by Petey. All 8 in the ring on 4 different turnbuckles…. four way hurricanrana! NEAT! Sabin and Red fly over the top and take out two members while Batts hits Williams with a stunner, 1-2-, no. Batts in with Petey Williams staring but Roode hits him from behind leading to an easy Canadian Destroyer from Petey for the 1-2-3 at 4:15. 4.5/10.0. Easily the best match of the card but this four minute crap is starting to piss me off so it shall suffer. Winners: Team Canada.

COMMERCIALS.

Sabu/Raven clips.

Match Five: Romeo vs Raven

Well its better than a main eventer against an NWA:Wildside jobber. Raven sits in the corner because he’s so damn emo. Raven attacks with a kick to the stomach and stomps into the corner. Raven tosses him outside and Russian legsweeps him into the railing… then another for good measure. Third times a charm and he lobs him back in. Evenflow…1-2-3 at 1:51. SERIOUSLY? 0.5/10.0.

Sabu is here but I don’t give a shit…. so these fuckers I’ve never heard of get to punch people but fucking Romeo can’t even swing?

Blown spot by Sabu… punches, blah blah, fuck this show.

COMMERCIALS.

Back with Dusty Rhodes talking about Impact! I meant that exclamation as part of the show, I’m not really all that excited. It’s not that I wouldn’t ever say that it’s just… the hell is Rhodes babbling about? Monty Brown is good, Jeff Jarrett is a meany… oh a “snotty nosed punk”… you are one evil zinging son of a bitch Dusty Rhodes.

Two members of the US Olympic Team join us in the form of Joe Williams and Daniel Cormier. They end up being as relevant as Dennis Rodman.

We cut over to Tenay and West, who’s mics don’t work. You’d think a taped show could, ya know, fix that kinda thing. Oh… its our weekly TENAY AND WEST PIMP THE PPV. Don West looks like a vein in his head is about to pop talking about matches… I’m kinda starting to like him. He’s exciting. I like the look on West’s face when Tenay talks, he’s just waiting for the end of a sentence with his lips creasing waiting for his turn again. Check out the fat kid in the red jumpsuit and the fake chain behind West, that’s an ugly son of a bitch. I know you’re not looking at him right now but still…. am I getting ADD? Okay they’re done, moving on.

COMMERCIALS.

Match Six: Jeff Jarrett vs Shark Boy

I miss Velocity, will tomorrow ever get here? “OMG UR NEGETIVE! U HATE TNA1” If you can defend this bullshit they call a TV show you’re the one with problems. Jarrett attacks and tosses Boy outside, sending him into the steps. Slam onto the announce table and another smack into the steel. Punch and toss into the crowd where he plants his throat on the rail… only the third time that’s happened tonight. Jarrett has a chair and hits the chest of Shark Boy, followed by stomps. Chair to the back. Atleast this is an interesting squash. The ref is “trying to be lenient”? Really. Jarrett drags him up into the crowd and tosses him into the stairs on the second level. Bodyslam. As Jarrett cheers to the crowd Shark Boy flies out of nowhere with an elbow taking him down. Boy puts Jarrett on his chest on the guardrail and bites his ass… thats kinda sexy. Shark Boy to the top with a missile dropkick. Up to the top again…. 2/2. Third times a charm (x2)…1-2-, no. We’re about to hit 4 minutes! Call the Guiness book! Low blow by Jarrett and a Stroke, 1-2-3 at 4:14. I didn’t realize how funny those last two sentences were together until I reread it for spelling. Winner: Jeff Jarrett. 4.5/10.0… interesting atleast.

Jarrett grabs a mic and proclaims himself King of the Mountain. Heeeere comes the guitar as Jarrett calls out Jeff Hardy. Shark Boy is getting up for whatever reason and gets a guitar to the face. Hardy flies out to the ring, ducks a closeline, and hits a dropkick. Hardy celebrates but gets Pounced by an appearing Monty Brown. Jarrett and Brown get in each others face and this closes perhaps the worst hour of actual wrestling I’ve ever seen.