VIOLENT PANDA Weekly Review 07.17.06

VIOLENT PANDA Weekly Review

Things are starting to get a little weird out there. The SNME rating was not close to what was expected, apparently. And WWE’s ratings in Canada have declined to the point that their network has actually DROPPED the WWE! Canada, home of the lovers of wrestling! Add the fact that this year, UFC pay per views have had a few buyrates that TRIPLE those of some WWE ppvs and things start to look a little ominous for the WWE.

Why is this? Well, one could say that… the WWE shows just aren’t that good. Right? UFC’s rise in popularity probably hurts them a bit, at least when it comes to people deciding what to spend their money on. But I don’t think any body could say that there’s anything compelling about the WWE right now, other than if you love watching car wrecks like the new ECW, DX’s pathetic juvenile humor and the wavering reactions to John Cena.

Is TNA capitalizing on this? No. That PPV they had last night… you’d have to be a pretty diehard TNA fan to pay $30 to see it. What exactly was so worth spending money on? A four way main event for the #1 contender’s spot? A six person match? Or a non-hyped X Title defense in which the opponent is not known?

TNA has got Samoa Joe, Senshi, a red hot Rhino, a rejuvenated and effective Scott Steiner, and a great tag team in Daniels and AJ to book a show with… and somehow they make it a must-miss affair. Just sad.

There’s also something about this time of year where my interest in the WWE just wanes. I don’t know why. So I got reviews of ECW, SNME and TNA. I just can’t bring myself to sit here and review that latest episode of Raw. From what I saw, it was excrutiatingly dull and almost completely devoid of actual wrestling.

Last week I pointed out that JT was a brunette and super-hot. To all the ladies who emailed me, NO I didn’t mean 411’s OWN JT Thomlison and NO I don’t have his phone number.

ECW Episode #5

Missed the first ten minutes.. when my tape starts, Paul is walking backstage with a swat team or something. Dreamer pulls him aside and wants an explanation. But Paul tells him there’s no time, because his match is next.

Tommy Dreamer vs. Test:

– Wow.. this is a Heat match from 2002, but now it’s gonna be XTREEEM!

– Tommy is wrestling in a button-down shirt he got from the gap. Tommy hits a cactus clothesline, but then Test’s big man formula© kicks in and there’s your put-victim’s-back-into-post bit.

– Test yells “you’re a loser” at Tommy… man when TEST tells somebody else that, you are just off the food chain. Test doles out some extreme stomps to emphasize his point.

– Tazz says that Test is “a perfect fit in ECW”, and Styles agrees due to Test’s intensity. They must really hate themselves.

– The crowd gets behind Tommy to a degree, breaking into a medium sized “Tommy Dreamer” chant. Then, when Test cinches in the EXTREME elevated bearhug, the fans get behind Tommy even more.

– Tommy rallies with a couple neckbreakers and poses for the fans, and they roar in response. Test counters out of Tommy’s finisher into a full nelson slam. He goes up top for an elbow, but Tommy moves out of the way. Wow, I didn’t think this would be so even. Crowd is into it.

– Dreamer sets up for the “Dreamer Driver” but Test escapes and gets a pin with feet on the ropes to steal it.

Better than I thought it’d be, but it’s still a WWE style bout in an ECW ring. Crowd was more into Dreamer here then pretty much any time since the first One Night Stand show.

Winner: Test

Backstage, Candice tells Kelly that their sportz entertainment bra-off will be taken TO THE XTREEM! There is music playing for some reason. Does her theme song just go off in real life? That would be awesome.

Shelly the Tarot woman finally makes another appearance. She says that the future holds blood. And there’s Fertig the Impaler.. bah gawd, somebody invited him in! There’s gonna be bat droppings all over the building! Somebody’s gotta put a stop to this!

Kelly’s Expose is now. Candice’s stripping workrate is off the charts. She dances circles around Kelly – literally – as Kelly awkwardly shifts from side to side and tries to make a Torrie Wilson face. So where’s Knox? There he is. He tries to put a stop to this.. and here’s the Sandman. They have Sandman doing the Batista thumbs up-thumbs down thing, which was lame enough the first time around.

He canes Knox, who falls through Kelly’s set, possibly sending him to some kind of Sci Fi tunnel leading to a Sci Fi scenario… like the Sarlac Pit, or that wobbly spike platform from Flash Gordon. Sandman poses and we get a cool shot of his arm raised where a tattoo of his head is positioned right next to his real head. He poses with the thumbs down.

Sandman supposedly gave up beer, and got in great shape for this stint in the WWE. I hope he gets rewarded somehow for this. He’s really doing the best he can with what’s been given.

CM Punk is in the back again, showing off his tattoos. Pretty cool stuff, could have been really bad. It rules that they’re letting him do his gimmick.

Sabu vs. Justin Credible:

– Did Meltzer report this wrong, or did Sabu actually have a CRACK PIPE on him when him and Rob got pulled over?

– Sabu hits a nice slingshot flip dive and back in, a slingshot flip leg drop. Then he elbowdrops Credible through a table and the ref calls for the bell…

– This match is over because this was not extreme rules. …

– What the… do we need to discuss why this is retarded? How many WWE matches have table spots in them that do not call for the DQ? And why does Sabu’s music play at the end, when apparently he lost by DQ? This is just sheer idiocy. The WWE is so out of touch, it’s maddening.

Winner: ECW Finish©

We see a quick backstage promo of Balls Mahoney hyping himself up. We get too close to his mouth for my liking.

At ringside, Tazz and Styles hype up Show vs. Flair. They both look like they’re about to laugh as Tazz says he can’t wait for this one. Styles smiles, looks at Tazz almost laughing and says it’s gonna be awesome.

Then, the WWE thinks that ECW fans are probably unfamiliar with Ric Flair. So Ric cuts a promo in the back. He rips on Foley. You know, I’d love to see Foley be a regular here in EC Dub. That promo he cut last night was awesome.

Backstage, TNA’s OWN Shannon Moore poses like he’s in a playboy photo shoot, staring longingly at the camera in facepaint and a nose ring. Velocit ECW!

ECW World Title Match – Ric Flair vs. Big Show©:

– Lots of standing around leads to a commercial break. Crowd is chanting something, but I can’t make it out.

– Show hits a bodyslam and a headbutt and he is sucking wind. Ric is busted open, and Show’s in “wander” mode again.

– Show uses his HAM-LIKE PAWS to hit some chest smacks.. Flair flop gets a pop.

– Show with another headbutt and a chop. Does Show EVER look like he’s in a real fight? As he executes these moves, he looks around at the crowd, almost dazed.

– Show protects Flair on a beal and it looks weak. Then he clotheslines Ric out of the ring, and clearly Flair was halfway out before Show even touched him.

– Show continues to no-sell Flair’s strikes and hits a powerslam so soft it’s like they’re play-fighting. Flair is down. Why wouldn’t Show cover? If Show put his weight on Flair, is there any way Flair could escape? Instead, Show wanders a bit. He tells some fans he’s rich and to “kiss my ass and shut up”.

– Crowd pops huge for four consecutive Flair low blows. The fans roar, way into it. The ref keeps getting in the way. These fans.. Smackdown must have been particularly dull this week.

– Apparently this is “EXTREME RULEZ”, as Flair brings in a trash can full of plunder. What I wouldn’t give to see New Jack come in here and get all Mass Transit and Gypsy Joe on this crap.

– Flair has a barbed wire 2×4. This barbed wire is so real and dangerous that Flair is gripping the thing by the wire. Flair gouges Show with it, and we get a reaction of a horrified fan, a bookish librarian type girl. What a sweetie.

– Crowd is way into Flair, who’s now rocking the bloody Flair Hair. Flair hits some chair shots and trash can shots. Show is bloody. Crowd is way into this one now.

– Flair breaks out.. THUMBTACKS! Show is staggered. Two chairshots.. Flair openly says something to Show.. another chairshot, Show falls onto the tacks.

– Show gets up, hits the chokeslam and the COBRA COMMANDER! Ref calls for the bell.

Vader/Flair this was not. As a WWE match, the final third was good and the rest was boring. Flair is still better than 75% of the guys on the roster IMO and he made this match better than it should have been. Big Show is the luckiest wrestler whoever lived. He made millions off of being big and being able to walk around for 13 minutes when he had to.

Winner: Big Show

After.. Show flings Flair onto the thumbtacks. Ouch, that looked gross. Flair skidded face-first. We spend a few minutes watching Flair be helped out of the ring to end the show.

OVERALL: They really need to change the name of this show, at least to “Entertainment Championship Wrestling”. This thing is killing wrestling fans. It takes practically a bullet to the face to get people to stop watching the WWE, but this show is doing it. The WWE is so out of touch with what fans want, it’s scary.

Another lame effort. It seems like guys are endlessly getting introduced and nothing is done with them, or they get jobbed. ECW has become a dirty word. A TWOOO out of FIVE.

WWE Saturday Night’s Main Event

Wow… I sat around all day waiting for this show to come on, and STILL I forgot about it when 8 o’clock rolled around. I finally remembered around 8:30, so let’s see.. we got a Smackdown six man going on here.

– Rey hits a big rana on Booker, and Book does a cool quick flip bump. Rey does a ludicrous, cartoonish spot where he crawls between book and Finlay’s legs over and over en route to making the hot tag. Yes, everyone, wrestling is fake.

– Batista’s hot tag is lukewarm at best. Finlay is nice enough to repeatedly walk up to Batista to get bodyslammed. He does the thumbs up thing.. I bet Vince has a boner for the thumbs because it’s a link to roman times, and the wrestling ring is in some ways your modern gladiator arena.

– Batista powerbombs Booker for the win. Seeing how in the WWE, the final minutes of a match are the only ones worth seeing, I can say with confidence that this match was mediocre at best. Clearly I am missing nothing by not watching Smackdown.

Backstage, McMahon talks to the Spirit Squad. Those hipster DX fellows talk over it, putting words in Vince’s mouth like “I want you to spank my bottom” and has the Squad say “we’re going to get our backsides kicked”. “Backsides”, “bottoms”, where the hell is standards and practices? These foul-mouthed ruffians are too edgy and adult to be on network TV saying these things!

We see clips of the WWE Divas© riding bulls. Looks like the bull was going pretty slow, doesn’t it?

Johnny Nitro & Melina vs. Carlito & Trish Stratus:

– Trish made her hair curly. Looks OK, I guess. Melina has the Paris Hilton High Heat Hair.

– Awkward Diva striking to start. Melina hits a nice charging hairpull takedown.

– Carlito comes in and hits a wheelbarrow toss, looked awesome. The ladies run in and CATFIGHT~! And Carlito hits the lungblower on Nitro for the win.

What? Why? Why was this only 3 minutes long? What a waste. Too short to be anything.

Winners: Trish & Carlito

Earlier tonight, Kevin Von Erich walked out onto the ramp and held up his hand. What an eventful night so far in Austin Texas! I sure hope you’re recording this!

Holding Cage Something Something Match – DX vs. The Spirit Squad:

– So when you’re pinned or submit, you’re placed in a ringside holding cell. JR points out he spent a little time in a holding cell in his younger days, haha. King curiously makes him stop talking about that.

– HBK beats on the squad with their cone thingy. When they huddle up at ringside, HHH blows an airhorn at them.

– Superkick leads to a pinfall. HHH pins a dude with his spinebuster! Wow… I guess in the WWE rulebook, HHH is so super-awesome that his mid-match moves are finishers for midcarders.

– Kenny has had enough and walks up the ramp. HBK follows and Vince McMahon comes out of nowhere and gives Michaels a chairshot. JR calls him “evil” and “demonic”. Crowd with a heewwgggg “asshole” chant.

– Squad guy cinches in a sleeper and screams like he’s doing a Shwartzenegger impression.. possibly keeping HBK awake and negating the effect of the hold, I’m not sure of the psychology on that. Kenny misses his leg drop.

– HHH drops Squad guys with the flick of his wrist and hits a pedigree to eliminate another dude. HBK superkick, HHH covers, only one squad guy left. HBK hits the elbowdrop and finally gets to PRANCING~!

– Superkick, wham, pedigree.

Crowd seemed to LOVE this. This campy, corny stuff just doesn’t do it for me. I love comedy wrestling, but to me, this isn’t comedy. It’s stupid. Where’s the wit? Where’s the * wink, wink * ? This was a total annihilation, and a pretty useless gimmick to boot. It’s like someone saw TNA’s King of the Mountain match and said “hey, let’s make that lamer”.

Winners: DX

Daivari’s in the ring with The Great Khali, hyping up their big Punjabi prison match at the Great American Bash. Khali’s opponent must put a bag over Khali’s head and make him pose naked for the win.

Well! It’s the Big Show. Bradshaw mistakenly says Show is involved in “sportz entertainment”. Hello! It’s EXTREME entertainment in ECW, thank you very much!

Ohhh imagine if Show challenges Khali to a match at ECW? What a nightmare that would be. Show uses insider lingo~! And says he’s here to “put you over”. But before he can, The Undertaker comes to collect a paycheck! And possibly avenge the soul of the guy Khali killed in training! I dunno about you, but when guys like Khali and Kenzo Suzuki are so uncoordinated that they kill guys in the ring, you just HAVE to hire them! It’s bound to pay off!

Cole points out that there was PHYSICALITY between these two at Judgment Day. World Physical Entertainment? Show and Khali give Taker a double chokeslam.

Commercials. In the back, Show and Heyman are WALKING. Show says basically that you should watch ECW EVERY TUESDAY NIGHT because he’s very tall and that he has hands like cow udders. He challenges.. GLUH… The Undertaker to a match, or possibly just some sporting physicality, on the next episode of ECW.

The concept of facing an open challenger every week is awesome. But in the WWE, they don’t want to acknowledge anyone or thing that doesn’t exist under their contract, so instead of getting crazy outsiders like, say.. japanese giant Akira Taue, or Mexico’s devil babyface GRONDA~!~! You get…zzzzz…. The Undertaker. What about Kane? Is he taking time off? They should hand Kane to Paul to re-shape.

EXTREME RULEZ – Sabu vs. Stevie Richards:

– What a downer. A squash?

– Styles says this is what ECW is about: Extreme oppression (?), extreme PHYSICALITY~!, and extreme sexuality.

– Sabu rolls out a couple spots, then goes for the chair legdrop through the table, but one of the table’s legs gave out, and it’s too far across the ring. Like his run-in on Cena a month or two back, he improvises and just plants the chair on Stevie’s face.

Not very spectacular, even for a squash. Bad idea all around, IMO.

Winner: Sabu

In the parking garage, Randy Orton and Brooke Hogan are TALKING. Styles, ECW’s shill, points out that we’re all looking forward to her album ‘Undiscovered’, which comes out on September 26th. We see a clip of her video again.

So, in this video, her and her dancers face off with some rival ghetto girls in the club. Brooke settles the dispute with dance moves and lyrics about how they’re “fronting”. Where’s the “YEWWWW” finger point? And the leg drop? That’d be awesome. Career killer, but awesome.

After we’re done pleasuring ourselves to Brooke’s wet midriff, we see that Brooke and Orton are still talking, possibly about workrate and the psychology of the chinlock nobody ever taps to. Hulk pops on the scene and slaps Orton on the back, super-stiff. A real loud CRACK. That’s got to be one of the 5 best strikes Hulk Hogan has ever thrown. He says he’ll see Randy at Summerslam. Brooke waves goodbye.

She gets in Hulk’s surprisingly cheap-looking rental car. Hulk walks around to get in the driver’s seat, but Randy hits a CLASSIC RKO on the back of the car. That was beautiful! That is GIF-worthy for sure. Brooke gets out of the car and asks Randy what happened. Randy walks away.

Note to readers: Don’t read spoilers about what the new M. Night Shamalayan movie is about! I wasn’t even planning on seeing it, but man, I feel so robbed for some reason. I can’t even decide if it’s a good “twist” or a bad one, but I’m kicking myself for spoiling the fun. This is right up there with when Wizard magazine, of all things, spoiled Fight Club for me. Thanks a lot, Gareb Shamus.

GRISH is on the stage and asks the fans if they’re ready for the finals of the diva bull riding contest. It sounds like 60% of the people shout “no”. Michelle McCool goes first. Didn’t she used to have black hair? She rides the bull for 12 seconds. It just kind of turned back and forth.

Here comes indy wrestler Alere Little Feather.. no, Victoria dressed as a Native American. Alere can bust out some freaking sweet lucha moves, by the way. Victoria does the J-O-B, falling off in 7 seconds. Hahaha.. JR: “Friday Night Smackdown gets the victory over Raw! That doesn’t happen very often.” Hahahaha.

Commercial. SNAKES ON A PLANE! Awww.. they’re making it all serious. Hopefully it’ll be so bad it’s good.

WWE Title Match – John Cena vs. Edge©:

– Cena is actually 50% booed. Been awhile since that happened. Lita’s got on the boob curtains.. JR: “Quite the pair”. Hahaha, JR is ON tonight.

– Match starts with Edge bailing and walking up the ramp. Cena runs out, grabs him, and commences with the dreaded ringside brawling. I dunno, starting the match that way just doesn’t work any more. It’s boring right off the bat. Does anyone think Edge is really leaving? As a viewer, all you do is sit and wait for them to stop stalling. It sucks.

– Whoa… Edge is setting up for a superplex, but his leg slips – but he brings Cena over as he falls anyway, hard! Nasty!

– Edge with a really nice big boot gets two. That looked 100% real.

– Again, evidence that Cena rules – he sets up the timing for the “boo” “yay” punch spot. I love that. John gets all the boos.

– Shoulderblock leads to the fistdrop that you can’t see… FU. 1, 2… Lita drags the ref out. There is a BIG cheer for that. STFU.. Lita slaps the ref in the face. Ref calls for the bell. Cena thinks he’s won the belt. It is announced that he won by DQ – and a title can’t change hands via DQ. Seems like a lot of the live fans didn’t know that.

I think somebody needs to sit down and give these guys three sequences for each of their big matches. They just don’t have enough complex spots in their matches, and it comes off like mush. Like, say, have Lita hit a cheap rana early on, and then later she tries it again, and John powerbombs her onto Edge, that kind of thing. There’s too much punching and kicking Hoss crap. This is a main event, they should be pulling out all the stops.

Winner: John Cena

After, John whacks Edge with a monitor.. then FU’s Edge off the ring steps through the announce table. Pretty cool!

OVERALL: Instantly forgettable. There’s so much wrestling on TV right now, that I don’t know what they can do to make stuff like this feel special. If you missed this show, you missed nothing. The one or two significant things will be replayed on Raw anyway. A TWOOOO out of FIVE.

Also, is McCool winning a bullriding contest going to get her any more over at all? It seemed pretty useless.

TNA Impact

411’s own John Meehan was at this show, and wow did he give a lot of insight. You should definitely read his detailed and hilarious review of the adventure here. This show opens with a hot crowd chanting for Rhino… because TNA offered a free t-shirt to the fan who chanted the loudest. That’s so cheesy. TNA is so much like WCW in so many ways… It’s as if they abhor real emotion.

What’s sad is that I don’t think Rhino needed that cheap tactic. He cuts a freaking awesome promo in the center of the ring. He point blank says that Vince McMahon asked him to come to the new ECW and Rhino told the WWE: “…to kiss my ass”. He says he was the last ECW TV and World champion, and has one or both of the belts in a bag in his hand. He says he can’t show the belt on TV because Vince has sent him a ton of legal letters about it. Couldn’t they have just blurred it out? Rhino says if Vince wants the belt, he can come and take it.

We see TNA’s crowd plant hottie – Meehan is dead on about her. She turns and tries to lead the fans in a “Rhino” chant, hahaha. The best part of this so far is these two little kids in the crowd marking out like CRAZY for Rhino. Crowd is rabid. Rhino heads outside and chucks the bag in a can.. and sets it on FIRE! Awesome!

Rhino goes on to challenge anyone to face him in TNA, from a four, six or eight-sided ring. Awesome. Hopefully TNA won’t just roll out guys like Apollo and a Harris brother as challengers for this.

Abyss vs. Norman Smiley:

– Norman does a little dance, Abyss hits him with a few clotheslines… The crowd chants along with “doomsday”, awesome. Black Hole Slam.

A squash.

Winner: Abyss

As Abyss poses, here comes the James Gang. BG cuts a promo, and you can hear the “DX Rejects” chant. According to John, this was a massive chant. On TV, this chant is partially drowned out by ambient crowd noise, heh heh. BG aligns with Abyss. After it’s over, BG walks and looks at Meehan and his family, who are all in yellow. He gives them a “suck it” gesture. They are clearly yelling stuff, but you can’t hear what.

AJ and Chris Daniels talk about how they needed Sirelda to counteract Gail Kim. Now that they have the belts, they say AMW’s last chance to take them back is at the upcoming PPV.

X Title Match – Jerrelle Clark vs. Senshi©:

– Jerrelle vs. KI! Awesome!

– A little quick back and forth, then Shi gets with the stiffness. He hits a FLESHTEARING chop, and follows up with a nasty kick to the chest. They need to mic that shit, not jabber over it like Tenay is doing. Mike doesn’t even sell it, while the crowd reacts huge to it. I guess the Raven/Zbysko match is more important than the title match going on right in front of us.

– Shi blocks an irish whip and turns it into an enziguri, looked awesome. Charging missile dropkick… and THE WAY double stomp gives Shi the win!

Good stuff, but the commentary just makes your mind go numb.

Winner: Senshi

Shelley is in the back with Johnny Devine, his new production assistant.

Shelley & Devine vs. AJ & Daniels:

– Alex does some funny bits with an off the ropes thumb to the eye. Then AJ and Chris hit a couple of double teams.. hard to describe, really cool-looking, though.

– Daniels hits a spring back over a charging Devine, ends up hitting a backbreaker. Honestly, I think that a long reign of AJ and Daniels as champs could really help resurrect tag team wrestling. The stuff they are doing is really fresh. AMW just rolled out all the clichés in their matches. AJ and Chris are innovating, and it makes it a million times more watchable.

– Devine’s got a cool cheshire cat face on his tights. Shelley tries to cheat using the tripod, but Sirelda, Warrior Princess runs out to stop it. AJ hits the Styles Clash for the win.

Really good stuff! The AJ/Chris/Sirelda faction could use a name and gimmick, but I’m not holding my breath on that one.

Winners: Chris & AJ

AMW & Gail run out and beat on the faces as Tenay continues to numb us. Slick Johnson hands out more of his photoshopped pics of Zbysko, but Larry chases him off.

We see a hype video for Joe vs. Steiner. The background music’s so loud that it’s hard to make out what Joe is saying.

There’s more? It hasn’t been an hour yet?

We see a hype video, where Jarrett talks about his PPV opponents. Zzzzzz

Scott D’Amore’s in the back with Team Ca… ffwd.

Jay Lethal, Rhino & Team 3D vs. Team Canada:

– Ugh… So, while Roode throws punches and stomps.. I ask you, what would have happened if TNA just went ahead and showed the ECW title? If WWE had sued them, wouldn’t that just make the WWE look pathetic? Would Vince actually sue? Or was it just a threat? WWE suing TNA would give TNA a lot of attention, and it seems to me that the last thing Vince wants is for anyone to notice that he’s not actually no-selling their existence and that he regards them as enough of a threat to go after them legally.

– Another thought. Why give away a match with this stip on free TV? Isn’t a “if you lose you must break up your stable” match something people, in theory, would pay to see? Plus, that way you’d quarantine all the shitty Team Canada guys to one match on the PPV.

– D’Amore gets involved. I know.. weird. D’Amore.. on TV? Huh?! He goes to use the hockey stick. Brother Runt runs in and hits D’Amore with the Acid Drop. Ref sees it. Ref sees Runt dive onto Team Canada, too. Ref lets it go.

– Rhino GOARRRRR… Lethal with a… Diving headbutt? 1, 2, 3. Lethal wins it! Crowd LOVED this. Eric Young crawls over to Don West, and Don makes a really strange Frankenstein-seizure kind of pose..?

Ehhhh…

Winners: Lethal, 3D & Rhino

OVERALL: This feels like a high two, but the WWE’s sluggish style is getting really, really bad now. So I’m going to give TNA a THREE out of FIVE just because their squashes have more action than WWE’s 13 minute main events do.