wrestling / Video Reviews
VIOLENT PANDA Wrestling Review: NOAH
We kick this bad boy off with the signing of the contracts for the GHC jr. title match. Liger and Tsuyoshi Kikuchi sign, and nary a hosedown is to be had. I wish someone in the US would run a promotion that made wrestling seem like a simulated sport, stupid Americans! And Canada, what the hell! Why aren’t you people doing this? Where the hell is your scene, anyway!? Stop copying us, make up your own style! Then each man answers a few questions.. Damn you Japanese! Speak English like the rest of us! If you’re not familiar with Japanese wrestling aka puroresu, Liger wrestles for New Japan so this is an interpromotional match. This is like Chris Jericho going to TNA to defend the Intercontinental title against Chris Sabin. Well sort of. Another reason why Japan rules.
Hehe there’s some Japanese text on the intro of the first match and in-between the kanji there’s a symbol that looks like a piggy. Also on the turnbuckles is the very same piggy. In Japan, brainbusters cause brain damage!
img src=”http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v127/Fantomas/nwb2.jpg”align=left> Hahaha Momota and Eigen come out to the Rocky theme and Eigen has a shirt on that says “BIG” and Momota has one on that says SLAVE OF LOVE PREACHER.. You gotta love the Japanese wackiness. They announce Richard Slinger as “MICHARROOO SINGGEERRRRR”. Eigen mega-flinches when streamers come flying into the ring as he is announced in the introductions.
Richard Slinger & Superstar Steve vs. Mitsuo Momota & Haruka Eigen: Good spot where Eiger and Momota takes turns chopping Steve in the corner, the crowd yells along “HEY” with each chop. The Americans take over, as Slinger hits Eigen with a Brainbuster and then does a pretty sloppy diving elbow.. There’s just NO WAY that elbow connected as Slinger’s arm was actually crooked like he was going to give a lariat. Steve almost gets the pin with a frogsplash (.3 on the Barr scale). The Eigen gets the hot tag.. Oh noo, blown spot here where Steve sends Eigen into the ropes, then leans over for a back body drop, but Eigen comes off and stops as if to set-up for a powerbomb, but Steve falls backward when there was very little impact. Crowd boos. Steve then gets a quick roll-up for the pin. EHH match nothing to see here. Eww Slinger and Steve’s theme is by JACKYL.
Winners: Richard Slinger & Superstar Steve
Daisuke Ikeda & Mohammed Yone vs. Takuma Sano & Makoto Hashi: Ikeda comes out in a sweet camoflage hooded robe. Man Ikeda goes HOG WILD with the stiff kicks in this. Eww Hashi delivers some awful headbutts to his opponents’ midsection, waaayy too soft. Sano busts out a SWEET released german, Yone with the CRUMPLE SELL. Yone powerbomb.. Ikeda kicks out! Hashi gets in there to finish this guy off. Ohh sweet combo – Sano with the double stomp, Hashi with a top rope headbutt.. only two! This is getting good. Hashi with a cool fisherman’s variation where he hooks the leg from under the thigh rather than over (1).. only two! Ikeda finally gets in the ring and helps turn the tide.. Ikeda oh man with a SWEET move (2) lands in a sitting position! GROSS! Sano breaks up the pin. Ikeda trades strikes with Hashi in the middle of the ring! Hashi falls to a high kick! Only two! Ikeda with a legdrop, covers.. Sano tries to slide in to break up the pin.. not in time! Ikeda wins it! First 3/5 was boring but then it got pretty good.
Winners: Daisuke Ikeda & Mohammed Yone
Takeshi Morishima, Takeshi Rikio & Naomichi Marufuji vs. Tamon Honda, Ricky Marvin & Masashi Aoyagi: Awww YEAH Marvin wants to face Marufuji to start! They go into some fast paced reversals where Maruji ends up sliding out of the ring. Marvin charges as if to go for a plancha, then thinks better of it and HANDSPINGS OFF THE ROPES AND BACK and throws in an extra backflip for the reaction that sounds like: “oooAAAAHHHHclapclapclap”. Back in we get some of that sweet greco roman knucklelock acrobatics. Then the big fellas tag in and we get some stiff kicking. Yay Marufuji and Marvin back in, Marufuji hits THE BEST SUPERKICK IN THE BIZ (1), look at the position of his body! And then Marvin SUPERSELLS IT with a LEAP to the back of his head! AWESOME! From here Ricky becomes IN PERIL as Maru’s team tag in and pummel the lucha lad. Marvin finally rallies by matrixing under a lariat then landing the shining wizard, yes it’s official: every wrestler in existance has now hit it. Marvin tags out. Things break down and everyone is everywhere, Marvin ends up IN PERIL again as all 3 opponents have him isolated in the ring. Marufuji lands a NICE frogsplash (.8 Barr!), Marvin LEANED UP INTO IT! Man this guy is BALLSY. And yay again Maru and Marvin are one on one, Marvin crotches Marufuji on the middle of the top rope, climbs the adjacent rope (2) and hits a SPRING RANA! Gets two. Marvin backflips out of a german but gets levelled by another superkick for two. Maru LAUNCHES forth with a huge spring sunsent flip, but Marvin ROLLS THROUGH into the basement dropkick, Maru with the RVD LEGS AKIMBO SELL! Aoyagi gets in there and cleans house with kicks, hits a 2nd rope chokeslam for two. Aoyagi’s partners have the other opponents held so all Aoyagi has to do is finish off Maru, but Marufuji does a series of sweet reversals ending in a sunset flip for the 1,2,3
Winners: Takeshi Morishima, Takeshi Rikio & Naomichi Marufuji
Good stuff, but it seems like everyone other than Marvin and Marufuji were just clogging things up. I would KILL to see some Marvin vs. Marufuji though, and I guess that’s the point of this.
We have backstage interviews with Liger and Kikuchi. Kikuchi’s got a weird face. He’s got the big full lips of Angelina Jolie and THICK cauliflower ear that makes me want to puke. Remember when Flair’s ear busted open a month or two ago? Ugh just the idea of puss oozing out of those fleshy lumps..
Jun Akiyama, Akitoshi Saito & Yoshinobu Kanemaru vs. Masao Inoue, Jun Izumida & Kishin Kawabata: Ahh Prodigy for entrance music, that’s another reason why Japan rules. They don’t have some lame scrub writing crappy entrance music (Like whoever that piece of smegma was who wrote Matt Hardy’s theme that goes “OHH YEAAHHHYAAHHHHH” and “We-huh-HELL – WELL IT’S THE BIG SHOW!” As soon as I heard that theme I knew they had nothing to do or say with the Big Show, so an entire nation sighed and said: “Well.. It’s the Big Show. Guess I’ll go use the bathroom.” Hahaa Jun Izumeda apparently just got out of bed, as he makes his way to the ring in pajamas and a towel while brushing his teeth. Bell rings and jesus Izumeda with a bunch of SOFT BUSINESS EXPOSING headbutts to the air surrounding Akiyama’s head. Haha Akiyama and his teammates hold down Izumeda and brush his teeth haha and here I was about to fast forward! Akiyama ends up IN PERIL and Izumida throw more of hose impact-less headbutts. Saito has a good offense, he holds a brainbuster for AT LEAST 30 seconds. He picks up the win over Kawabata while everyone else is engaging in the dreaded ringside brawling.
Winners: Jun Akiyama, Akitoshi Saito & Yoshinobu Kanemaru
This match just lost me, I found it very boring. Saito was pretty impressive with his powermoves but other than that and the toothbrush HIJINKS this is filler fodder to me.
Kobashi takes a chokeslam from Taue on the ramp (1), yeesh rampway bumping must really get Kobashi feeling alive.. Or maybe he is suicidal? From there KENTA is IN PERIL! Kobashi finally makes the save and he trades high speed chops in the corner with Taue, as the crowd “HEY!”s along with each one. KENTA & Sugiura are in, Kobashi gives some aid and the men named Kenta deliver a SWEET assisted spring leg drop (2). KENTA can really get some air on those springboards. Kobashi and Taue go at it at ringside. KENTA goes for one of his trademark stiff kicks but Sugiura comes through with a BEAUTIFUL counter where he grabs the leg, does a forward roll and ends in an anklelock. The crowd, KENTA-lovers of course, immediately freak out as KENTA PANIC-SELLS! Then Sugiura drops to the mat and wraps his legs around Kenta’s leg as well, like Kurt Angle (but without the obvious no-twisting of the ankle). Kobashi is able to slide in and break it up. Sugiura with a NASTY HEAD DROPPING GERMAN (3), that’s the kind of neck breaking craziness they don’t allow in the WWE, but NOAH is ALL OVER THAT SHIT. Man Sugiura is a TANK! He is really impressing me with his vicious moves and fierceness. Gets a two count. Sugiura puts KENTA on his shoulders and KENTA grabs Sug’s neck and rolls him into a pinning predicament for two. Note that Taue has Kobashi trapped in the corner, he’s holding him down so Sug can finish his boy off, I love that strategy in tags, it’s something we don’t see enough of over in the U.S. KENTA then BRAINS Sug with a kick to the back of the head, God that was a thing of beauty, hits a fisherman’s buster and Taue has to let go of Kobashi to break up the pin. Now Kobashi holds down Taue on the outside and KENTA goes for the win.. The crowd freaks out as KENTA and Sug block each other’s strikes in the center of the ring. KENTA backflips out of a german and knocks Sugiura dizzy with three consecutive kicks to the back of the head, then finishes him off with a charging kick for the pinfall victory.
Winners: Kenta Kobashi & KENTA
Good match, KENTA is a very exciting guy to watch and Sugiura really impressed me. He reminds me a lot of Togo but not quite as sawed-off, and without the aerial attacks. Normally I would say this was too short as it felt like a few more nearfalls might have whipped the crowd into a frenzy, but I kind of like it that people weren’t kicking out for an eternity. That kind of thing should be kept fairly rare or else it’s just going to condition people not to pop for any falls not deep into the match. Haha I love it that KENTA’s theme is DMX going: “WHERE DA HOOD, WHERE DA HOOD, WHERE DA HOOD AT?” SO INAPPROPRIATE that it becomes appropriate!
Mitsuharu Misawa, Yoshinari Ogawa & Kotaro Suzuki vs. Bison Smith, Doug Williams & Ace Steel: It truns out I have a lot to say when it comes to this match so I have made it into a novelette for your reading pleasure.
How THE HELL has Vince not signed Bison Smith?! HOW?! Look at him! He’s hossier than Vince’s TOP STUD! Actually if I remember right from DVDVR’s sleaze thread, Bison Smith had a dark match in the WWE and HHH sat down in the dressing room across from Bison as he was changing and just stared a hole through him, not saying a word. So HHH either was trying to send him telepathic gay porn, or HHH KNOWS THIS GUY CAN TAKE HIS SPOT! Also in this match is Ace Steel, who we all just saw get super-kicked by ERIC BISCHOFF on Raw! Great job, Ace! Wow you made ROH and Noah look great with that one. This just in: Semi-main eventers from NOAH are below the NON WRESTLERS on the WWE food chain! What do you think Ace got paid for that? $100? Sad. Before the intros, Bison snatches the mic and challenges Misawa and Ogawa for a match in San Francisco at Pro Wrestling Iron. Ogawa with his cheesy zebra tights, he looks like Misawa’s boytoy or something.
Ace Steel twists Suzuki’s arm for awhile to start things off. Then Williams and Ogawa come in and Ogawa has Doug in this front facelock kind of thing and lowers him to the mat with it. Then Doug KICKS HIS LEGS BACK sending him into a standing position! GOD BLESS DOUG WILLIAMS. Williams then gives Ogawa a straightjacket choke and Ogawa lowers it, STEPS OVER AND REVERSES IT! Doug quickly tosses Ogawa over his shoulder to end it, that is very clever stuff! More neat reversals, then Misawa tags in and some MORE good stuff! I’d describe it all but then this column would exceed the character limit. WOW I would pay good money to see Williams vs. Misawa straight up. Bison tags in, this should be interesting. They go into a test of strength and Bison turns it into a german but with THE HANDS STILL CLASPED! Awesome! D’oh cabana boy Ogawa tags in. Ogawa smacks the back of Bison’s head repeatedly as he owns Bison on the mat. Bison is furious and regroups in the corner. Ace tries to say something to him but Bison SHOVES ACE INTO THE CORNER! Ace yells: “Learn how to wrestle!” haha cool Bison plays a great loose cannon (without threatening to piss in the ring, even!).
Haha Ogawa and Ace Steel do a criss cross and Ace drops him with a dropkick and is so impressed with himself he decides to rest on the turnbuckle for awhile. Misawa tags in and him and Ace do a criss cross. Misawa bails on it, and heads to the corner, while Steel keeps BOUNCING OFF THE ROPES while yelling like a madman.. Hahaha I think I am becoming an Ace Steel fan! The crowd laughs and cheers him on, until Ace gets exhausted and slumps down on the rope, breathing heavy. Ogawa comes in and does a sunset flip, exposing Ace’s ass. WRESTLING IS WAY TOO GAY! This is two reviews in a ROW this spot was executed, last time in WPCW by Buff Bagwell. FOR SHAME, Ace Steel. Ace is furious and leaves the ring, walks down the entrance.. Holy he WENT IN THE BACK! The ref is counting.. He gets to 17 and Ace suddenly bursts out the door and slides in the ring with a second to spare. Ace gets punched silly by Ogawa and the boys in the corner, and he staggers around throwing phantom punches, then finally flops to the mat. May I say this is a comedic Tour-de-Force?!
Bison tags himself in. Ogawa and Suzuki go for a two man suplex, but Bison blocks it and yes, gives them BOTH a suplex at the same time! Bison then gives Suzuki one of those swinging slams ON THE KNEE (that’s a .4 on the Chris Sabin scale). Doug Williams tags in and starts stretching out poor Suzuki. Bison back in and tosses Suzuki around like a ragdoll. Steel is in and does a Roderick Strong dragon suplex into a backbreaker. Went a little awkwardly. Poor Suzuki then gets beat on by Bison at ringside! Suzuki is definitely the face in peril now as Ace and Bison keep him in the corner and beat him down. Suzuki suddenly goes for a rana on Bison, but it’s blocked. Bison sets up for.. A Styles Clash?!?! No! He instead hoists him up for a powerbomb, but Suzuki CONVERTS TO A RANA! Tags in Misawa!
Misawa drops Bison with a forearm, but then Bison hits a shoulder charge and follows up with a gorilla press slam. Misawa hits Bison with another forearm, then goes off the rope, but Bison is ready with an IRON CLAW! Man that is one FUNKY MOVESET! HHH take notes! Ogawa breaks it up, Williams tags in and drops Misawa with a knee for two. See now the KNEE is something HHH can do! Williams wants a german.. no, while in the waistlock he charges Misawa into the corner, SUNSET FLIP, STILL IN THE WAISTLOCK – GERMAN! OHHHH GOOD GAWD! THE BRIDGE! 1..2.. Ogawa makes the save!! Misawa and Williams counter out of germans, Misawa floats into the TIGAAHH SUPLEX! 1989 enthusiast Ogawa tags in and of course begins dominating Doug Williams because he’s THE MAGIC BOY OF NOAH! The rules were made to be broken.. BY OGAWA ONLY! Ogawa whips Williams into the corner, Williams tips up (haven’t seen that in awhile), Ogawa turns and wants one of those pancake kind of moves but Williams turns it into a SLINGSHOT VARIATION! Williams SPRY AS AN APE forward rolls to his corner for the quick tag! Jesus Doug Williams needs a temple built in his honor! How the hell is a guy that big so quick?!
As Suzuki tags in I finally hear the first “SOO DESS NAYYY” from an announcer. On some tapes you’ll hear “SOO DESS NAYYY” about 200 times, and before you know it you’ll be using it in conversations. It means something to the effect of: “Is that so?”, not in a challenging way but in a “I am listening to what you have to say” kind of way. But remember, if you use it in a casual conversation you have to say it in a dramatic hushed tone, as if what you are hearing is quite a revelation.
Suzuki gets some CRAZY AIR on a flying crossbody, gets two on Ace Steel. Suzuki follows up with a handspring elbow, this fella’s got some SPRING IN HIS STEP! Then Suzuki locks in that Dragon Kid submission, so the chain of move thievery goes as follows: Dragon Kid – Low Ki – Sonjay Dutt – Gail Kim – Kotaro Suzuki. Ace suddenly busts out an AWESOME DDT where he flings suzuki SIDEWAYS as he brings him down! BRUTAL! Then Ace Steel hits a ONE HANDED WIDOW’S PEAK! Man that has got to be rough on the victim’s knees. Misawa and Ogawa save the pinfall, I’m pretty sure that was Ace’s finisher. Then Ogawa and Misawa hit a series of cool double teams, and then hold Ace by his legs and arms so he’s elevated off the mat while Suzuki delivers a FROGSPLASH! SICK! Bison breaks up the pin. Ogawa and Misawa level Williams with a double team. Then Bison busts out the IRON CLAW again on Misawa! Ogawa and Suzuki break it up and sed Smith into the ropes, but he drops them both with simultaneous clotheslines. Haha those two kids, when will they learn? Misawa sends Bison out of the ring, and drills Ace with a Tiger Driver and Ogawa hits a backdrop suplex. Ace kicks! Ogawa hits a second Backdrop suplex on Ace..1..2..3.
Winners: Mitsuharu Misawa, Yoshinari Ogawa & Kotaro Suzuki
EPILOGUE: Ogawa’s theme plays.. Rob Zombie. Jesus Japan RULES IT! You’d think Ogawa’d want Jesus Jones or something. OK match. It went a good 25 minutes but the finish was very anti-climactic. Noone was really rooting for Ogawa, as he was NEVER IN PERIL. And Ace kind of became a bit of a face through his comedy stylings. I like most of the guys in the match, but as a whole this thing didn’t come together.
I have GOT to get Liger’s theme on CD. I just love the intro where it goes: DOOT doot doot doot – doot doot doot doot…. BLANG BLANG – BLONGBLONG BLANGBLANG! Then the woman sings: “LIGAH SAN!” I wish I could have an entrance theme in real life like when I go to work or class or the grocery store, and everybody stops and claps along with the song. Liger is in FULL ON FURY MODE! He is staring down Kikuchi more intensely than most people with pupils! I don’t think there is anyone better at using their body to communicate with the crowd. Whoa Kikuchi gets a TON of streamers! Liger is PISSED and he starts trying to fling the streamers out of his way. Liger gets announced.. he gets ONE STREAMER! Christ these NOAH fans are loyal. Liger is going to go into FUCK YOU HEEL MODE, baby! Kikuchi’s shoulder and gut is wrapped up, boy talk about an odds-on loser. As soon as the bell rings the fans bust out a big “Kikuchi” chant. OK this is going to RULE!
Liger wants to get this thing going, he demands that Kikuchi come to the center of the ring to start it off. Dramatic pause, Kikuchi charges Liger and is DROPPED with a lariat! Moments later Kikuchi comes to, hits a spinning back heel kick and Liger bals to the outside. Kikuchi hits a MINDBLOWING charge on a curved arc and lands a BEAUTIFUL baseball slide/back brain kick (1)! That was AWESOME! A little ringside brawling, Liger SHOTEIS KIKUCHI OVER THE RAILING! Back in Kikuchi spends a long segment working over Liger’s arm, liger sells it like his elbow got inverted. They end up on the RAMP OF CRAZY BUMPING, Kikuchi wants a suplex.. LIGER BLOCKS IT AND HITS HIS OWN.. Kikuchi.. IS RIGHT BACK UP! He forearms the stunned Liger and goes for a powerbomb – but Liger counters out with a back body drop. Kikuchi stumbles toward the ring, and Liger shoteis him in (3). I gotta say, I am generally bored by the first half of most matches, but with Liger it’s almost always worth watching from start to finish. It never feels like a formula for some reason. The crowd gets PISSED as Liger tears off Kikuchi’s bandages covering his shoulder. Some of the NOAH guys at ringside are concerned and lean on the apron, Liger KICKS THE ROPES and they flinch back. Kikuchi suddenly gets FIRED UP and begins choking Liger with his bandages! Liger spends some time working over the injured shoulder. Kikuchi gets propped up on the top turnbuckle, and Kikuchi grabs the horns on Ligers mask and FLIPS OVER and drags Liger to the mat. Awesome. Kikuchi hits a pair of ROLLING GERMANS – 1, 2.. Liger kicks. Kikuchi then hits a suplex from the top buckle where he hooks his legs around the top rope .. Shoot, what do they call that? The Spider something or other. Kikuchi then sits back up to the top and goes for a top rope headbutt – but Liger rolls out of the way. Crowd starting to really get into it now. Liger wants a shotei. He charges across the ring, Kikuchi grabs the arm and rolls it into an armbar! Ref gets in, starts admonishing Kikuchi. Kikuchi releases the hold and starts arguing with the ref.. Liger charges, Kikuchi shoves the ref into Liger. REF BUMP?!?! REF BUMP?! This match has been POISONED! Why on earth does it say “WORLD RESQUE” on the back of the ref’s shirt? Liger quickly follows up with a rolling heel kick as the ref is down. Liger gets Kikuchi in the corner and shoteis him until he’s freaking flat on the mat. Liger with a superplex!! Announcer calls it a brainbuster? Kikuchi – IS RIGHT BACK UP!! HE HAS FIRE IN HIS BELLY! But Liger Shoteis him down. He covers. The ref is back up and counts 1..2.. only two! The ref is back up, what the hell was the point of that ref bump? Kikuchi busts out a small package! 1..2.. only two, crowd got GIDDY on that one. Another shotei, and a brainbuster! Liger with the cover! 1..2..3.
Winner: Jushin Liger
The first half of this match had MATCH OF THE YEAR written all over it, but the second half didn’t really build into anything extraordinary. If you take the first half of this and the second half of Liger vs. Hashi then you have got yourself a freaking match of the leap year. Liger is handed a trophy, I think champs get trophies for every successful title defense. A guy interviews Liger, and he talks some shit that gets loud mixed reactions. They keep showing a wrestler at the commentary booth. He charges the ring and pummels Liger! I guess we have our next match all lined up.
Hey! I got this via IVPvideos.com. They are selling this and a jizzillion other DVDs for the criminally insane price of $5.99! It’s almost Halloween, give neighborhood kids DVDs instead of razor-laden brownies. I mean, you could get arrested!
OVERALL: I am really torn on this show. I can’t decide if it is a 2 (EH) or 3 (Good). The first two matches were insta-forgettable. The third had moments of awesomeness when Maru and Marvin were facing off. The Akiyama match did nothing for me. The KENTA tag was good, The Misawa six man had good moments but fizzled as it went on, and the Liger match started out as a 10 and ended up at around 7.5 (on a completely out of the blue scale of 1-10, 10 being good). I have to go with my gut here, though it pains me to do this. While overall this show was rock-solid, the tags are just so meaningless. That’s my biggest complaint about NOAH, they need more singles matches. In the grand scheme of things, this is a filler show that has alot of neat moments but ultimately seems more like a show that is setting up future big matches. I’m giving this an EH. Send all complaints to [email protected]
