Wacky Wrestling Theory 7.31.08: Jim ‘the Anvil’ Neidhart, Headliner

Who is my favorite wrestler.

Who?

Yes, that’s right.

No, who is your favorite wrestler?

Exactly.

Who are you talking about?

Who.

Who?

Yes, Who.

I don’t know you tell me.

…and so on…

Ah, that never gets old for a Who fan (or fans of whoever wrote the theme song for CSI). Really, who am I talking about? Well, Jim ‘the Anvil’ Niedhart, of course.

Why was Jim ‘the Anvil’ Neidhart not a headliner? Was he being held back? How could he have made that leap to a main event career as a solo star?

Neidhart’s old tag team partner Bret Hart went on to become one of the most celebrated single wrestlers of all time. Great for him. What about the Anvil?

Wasn’t he good enough to be in the main event? He had the size. He had the charisma. And he could wrestle; there should be no doubt about that (and if you do doubt, track down a copy of the old WWF Coliseum Home Video WORLD TOUR 1991, and watch Jim ‘the Anvil’ Neidhart vs. The Warlord, that is classic main event stuff right there).

I’ve got a few wacky theories about just how Jim Neidhart could have been a main eventer. Call it fantasy booking, call it alternative history, call it delusional, but I call it justice finally done.

WRESTLEMANIA Anvil

When Bret Hart was starting his serious singles run in 1991, Jim Neidhart was left to start all over from the beginning again. Ric Flair was making his big WWF debut as the ‘real world champion’ and Sid Vicious was in line to retire the immortal Hulk Hogan.

Instead of all that, picture a world where the WWF decided to go home grown, didn’t bring in Flair and Sid, and put the Hart Foundation in the final three of the 1992 Royal Rumble with Neidhart who helped pull Hogan out and thus giving Bret the vacant world title win.

That could have set up a Bret Hart vs. Randy Savage dream title match at Wrestlemania VIII and in the main event, a monster Jim Neidhart readying to put to bed the career of Hulk Hogan.

That touchstone ominous Anvil laughter strikes lightning into the stadium and then another layer laughs over top, and then another follows in round. Double bass pedals thump and build, lights flickering and burst, and then those jackyl bright eyes and rectangular smiling jaw burst from the curtain, Anvil’s beard a pointed spear, searing like the guitars that rock out to his epic emergence. His new theme song even has lyrics:

“He is an anvil man
Hard as a rock
Don’t step on him
‘Cause he just can’t stop

The anvil maaayyun
The anvil man!”

The signature singlet is still intact only it is in solid black with purple trim, and a tiny purple anvil on the right ass cheek. The crowd may be silent in awe, but the powerful new music is deafening and Neidhart milks the strobe lights and distraction all the way to the ring.

Anvil stands in the center of the squared circle, crouched linebacker style, waving his unannounced opponent forward as the chants of Hogan gain steam. Neidhart looks around, shaking his head, yelling out, “Un uh, it’s over,” and turning to look down the aisle with growing psychotic anticipation and challenging, “come on, let’s do this baby, come on!”

Then the Americana guitar strums and Hogan enters the stadium and as usual the crowd is going wild. Hogan is pointing at the Anvil as he struts toward the ring, but Neidhart just continues to bounce, shake his head, and break off little bursts of devious laughter.

As soon as Hogan gets on the apron, he puts one leg through the ropes and Anvil charges. The crowd is boo-ing but the Anvil is relentless, dragging Hogan through the ropes and hammering forearms onto his back.

Hogan begins to Hulk up, a move rarely seen so early in a match and an obvious sign that Hogan is not the unbeatable hero that he once was to these fans. Anvil follows along, thudding Hogan’s back while Hulk shakes and walks around the ring. When Hulk stops, points and blurts out a “you” that is easily echoed throughout the crowd, the Anvil just laughs again.

Hogan throw a punch, but there is no blocking arm from the Anvil who absorbs the blow and continues to laugh. Two more shots no sold by Neidhart. Hogan’s popped out eyes now show worry rather than confidence. Hesitating to throw a fourth punch, the Anvil just shakes his head motioning, ‘no, no, no’ leading Hogan to jab a finger in the Anvil’s eye.

The referee pantomimes castizing the former champion as the Anvil drops to one knee, solid rock head in his hands, shielding his enemy from one of his few weak points.

The crowd continues to roar as Hogan rips open his shirt, pulls off the raggy pieces and proceeds to choke the Anvil with the material.

Punches to the eye side reel Neidhart into the turnbuckle. Hogan whips him to the other corner and then follows right behind with a big clothesline.

Anvil staggers out of the turnbuckles and Hogan hits him with another punch. Grabbing Anvil’s wrist, Hogan then whips the dazed opponent into the ropes and on the rebound connects his a crowd pleasing big boot.

Hogan jocks to the crowd, they know what is supposed to come next and they are rabid, thinking they are about to see the biggest squash in the history of pay-per-view main events.

Hogan bounces off the ropes and lands his most famous move, the leg drop… cover for the ONE… kick out by the Anvil!

Hogan is shocked, the crowd is stunned, Anvil is to his feet without hesitation and motioning for Hogan to come at him.

Hogan and Anvil trade punches. The crowd is starting to cheer for the Anvil now. Hogan stuns Anvil with a big shot, then leans back on the ropes and comes running at Neidhart with a clothesline… but Anvil surprises with a big standing dropkick.

Anvil goes for the cover. One… Two… Hogan kicks out. As Hogan is slowly getting to his feet, Neidhart readies in the corner with a football stance. Hogan gets up, turns around and the Anvil hits hits him with the first ever WWF Spear!

Down in the center of the ring, the Anvil neglects to go for the cover and instead motions to the turnbuckles. He climbs through the ropes, walks along the apron, and hoists himself to the top turnbuckle. Pausing for a moment to stroke his beard, Neidhart then launches off the top with a huge superfly splash… that connects… and Hogan is out!

Niedhart goes for the cover… One… Two… Thre… Hogan just kicks out. Anvil looks shocked, but not undeterred. He points towards the turnbuckles again.

As he is walking towards the ropes, a commotion is heard from the crowd as someone is bolting down the aisle. In true Wrestlemania VIII main event fashion, a colorful character from the past returns, Saba Simba in full African tribal outfit! The Anvil is shocked and seems scared.

As Saba Simba gets to the ring and is distracting the Anvil, someone else emerges from the back, although not in a Warrior like sprint but more of a hobble. Yes, it is ‘Superfly’ Jimmy Snuka!

The referee rings the bell as Neidhart and Simba brawl, leaving the downed Hogan susecptable for a true superfly splash from the originator himself.

Although there was no clear cut winner that night, new feuds began, stars were reborn, and Jim ‘the Anvil’ Neidhart proved that he could hang in the main event.

The Unmasking of Who?

Bret Hart of course beat Stone Cold in the Submission Match at Wrestlemania 13, but what if he lost? What if the WWF planned to make another star out of that infamous night, Jim ‘Who’ Neidhart?

Stone Cold is bleeding. The blood is running down his face, covering his eyes and dripping off his lips, as he screams with undeniable passion. He has Bret Hart hooked with Hart’s own finisher, the Sharpshooter, and his pulling back with all of his might.

Bret is showing no signs of life. Seemingly, he has passed out from the pain. Although he has not submitted to Austin, technically the match should be over. The special referee for the match, the mysterious masked man WHO checks the limp arm of Hart and calls for the bell.

Austin won’t let go of the hold and Who must wrestle in and wrench Stone Cold away from the legs of the Hitman. Badass Austin doesn’t like this and shoves Who backwards. Now the crowd is echoing the familiar deep chant of “Who-Who-Who!”

Who shakes his masked head, searching without features into the crowd for guidance. Before he can do anything, Austin kicks Who in the gut and reaches in for a Stone Cold Stunner. Who pulls back as Austin drops, yet Stone Cold succeeds in Stunning the yellow mask of Who right off of the wrestler’s head.

On the now exposed head of Who shows a shockingly bright blond full head of hair that covers the man’s face. The crowd gasps, maybe this is not who they thought it was… then the hair flips back and surprisingly, yes, the man behind the mask was Jim Neidhart… only one with long, bleached hair.

Austin smiles, Neidhart laughs and pulls phantom on the bread that was cut off to fit in the mask. Then Neidhart starts to kick away at Bret Hart, lifts him up and swings him into Austin for a real Stunner. Neidhart lifts the hand of the victorious Austin and the ‘Hart-Break Foundation’ is born (only to be joined the next night on RAW by manager Shawn Michaels).

EXTREME Anvil

One agile big man in Bam Bam Bigelow found home as a main eventer in ECW, so why not Jim Neidhart as well?

What if, on the night of the first ever ECW pay-per-view Barely Legal, the hardcore legend Terry Funk didn’t qualify for the main event ECW title match against Raven, but the surprise entrant Jim ‘the Anvil’ Neidhart!

Raven is slumped in the corner, waiting for Neidhart to get in the ring. The crowd is chanting, ‘An-vul… An-vul… An-vul!’ The Anvil limps down the ECW arena corridor, his head bandaged and hip sore from one match already that night. In his hand is not a Singapore cane or a chair but a toolbox mallet.

As the Anvil is attempting to prop himself on the ring apron, Raven darts up and begins stomping on his arms and head, knocking the mallet across the ring. Raven guides Neidhart into the ring by the head and instantly gives him a DDT. One… Two… Thhh… but the Anvil kicks out.

Raven does not give the Anvil a moment to recover, he props him back up by the head and sets him in the position for another DDT. He is about to drop back but the Anvil pushes him away.

On wobbly legs, his head bandages unraveling to show a gobby splatter of forehead blood, Anvil waves Raven forward for a rope-a-dope.

Raven fires off three quick punches that Neidhart absorbs. Then the Anvil ducks out of the way of a fourth punch and kicks Raven in the balls. The crowd roars with approval.

As Raven is hunched over, the Anvil grabs his head, shoves it between his legs, looks out to the crowd and bellows with his signature laugh. Then after a moment to take in the adulation of the crowd, Neidhart hoists Raven’s midsection into the air and brings him down back first onto the mat in a massive powerbomb.

Instead of going for the cover, Neidhart looks around. Seeing the mallet, he scoots over and picks it up, yet he does not return to assault Raven quite yet. He slides out of the ring and looks underneath the apron flap. After a few seconds of struggling, he drags out an actual iron anvil. The crowd explodes!

With a mighty heave, Neidhart lifts the Anvil onto the ring apron and shoves it under the bottom rope. Raven is shaking the cobwebs from his powerbomb, sees the anvil in the ring and rolls out the other side, only to be met by the Anvil who came around the outside, laughing hysterically, grabs Raven by the waist of his trunks and throws him back into the ring.

Neidhart gets in the ring, stomps on the crawling Raven a few times and walks over to the anvil. He pushes it into the middle of the ring. Raven is crawling away but the Anvil stomps on him a couple more times and then steps on his hand.

Laughing with blood trickling down his cheeks, the Anvil grabs Raven’s other free hand and places it on the top of the anvil. He raises the mallet into the air and brings it down on the back of Raven’s hand. Raven is screaming, Jim the Anvil is laughing, and the crowd is roaring with applause.

Jim the Anvil continues to bash each finger on Raven’s hand. Raven is screaming hysterically and Neidhart then remorselessly picks him up, swings him into the ropes and hooks a poetic drop toe hold that crashes Raven’s skull into the anvil.

Covering Raven for academic three count, the Anvil continues his pleasantly psychotic laughter all the way to the ECW Championship!

These are just a few examples of how history could have played out. Could Jim ‘the Anvil’ Neidhart have been a headliner? I say yes. Would it have been glorious? No doubt about it. Is this too wacky? Never!

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If you missed last week’s wacky interview with Dr. Cube, Steam Powered Tentacle Boulder, and the Kaiju Commissioner from the one and only, monster suit wearing, full-on pro-wrestling super company KAIJU BIG BATTEL, well check it out