Booking WWE Monday Night Raw 9.26.16

* From Cincinnati, Ohio, this will be Monday Night Raw.

* Following the opening theme song, the bell rings for action, and out come Cesaro and Sheamus to compete in match number eight of their best of seven series. We learn from the ring announcer that tonight’s match cannot end in disqualification, cannot end in a count-out, and cannot end due to general referee squeamishness. However, before the match commences, Sheamus takes a microphone. He tells Cesaro that after last night’s intense affair, neither man should have to compete in an even more brutal match. Therefore, he proposes a coin toss to determine the winner of the series. Cesaro is, of course, not interested. Nonetheless, Sheamus flips the coin in the middle of the ring. The coin toss distracts Cesaro, and Sheamus ruthlessly pounces, leading to…

* Match Number Eight of the Best of Seven Series, during which Cesaro pins Sheamus to win a future championship opportunity.

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* Seth Rollins enters the ring with harsh accusations for Stephanie McMahon. Like the other males of WWE, where chivalry reigns, he may not be able to make her pay for her role in his recent championship losses. However, whether she is in league with Triple H–and he knows she is–he can make Triple H pay on her behalf. And he will get his hands on The Game one day, and she will have to watch while her husband squeals like a pig. This is where McMahon draws her line, as she enters the ring to assure Rollins that at Clash of Champions, she only ordered a new referee to finish the match between him and Owens. It is not her fault Rollins was distracted and lost. However, in tonight’s main event, she will allow Rollins a chance at revenge on Jericho for his part in last night’s match. And she has even punished Kevin Owens by giving him the night off. Rollins takes comfort in the knowledge that he is still the number one contender, and so when Owens returns, he will take his title. This is a bubble McMahon is quick to burst, however, noting that the number one contendership is now in dispute. Perhaps it will be claimed by Chris Jericho, Rollins’s opponent tonight. Perhaps it will even be claimed by someone like Bo Dallas, who has returned with much success. The name Dallas does not impress Rollins, however, and he promises McMahon he will face Owens and he will win his title.

* Backstage, Charlotte reminds Dana Brooke that they need to be on the same page tonight in their tag team match against Sasha Banks and Bayley, as they were at Clash of Champions.

–Advertisement discouraging youth from smoking, wherein a man rips a tooth from his own head. Plan your supper accordingly.–

* Charlotte and Dana Brooke pin Sasha Banks and Bayley when Paige distracts Bayley.

–Taco Bell will introduce a new variation of cheese, tortilla, beans, spicy sauce, and meat paste.–

* Backstage, an angry Paige says she has been away for only a short time, and in that time she was replaced by a cartoon figure named Bayley. Worse, the audience adores this Bayley. She is here to tell us, and Bayley, that this is her house…and there are no children allowed in her house.

* In short order, Braun Strowman defeats local talent Bradley Marsden. On Tuesday, via the website 411Mania.com, the world learns that Marsden’s true name is “Fat Stuff” Chico Mendoza, a regular in the Midwest Misphit Wrestling promotion.

* Backstage, Seth Rollins finds Bo Dallas admiring himself at his locker, and proceeds to assault him from the locker room to the hallway and back.

–A political advertisement approved by the 46th President of the United States, Hillary Clinton.–

* Michael Cole reports that Kevin Owens has tweeted that he could use the night off after the unfair workload Mick Foley has placed on him of late. “#FoleyIsGodAwful”

* The New Day arrive in the ring for their upcoming eight-man tag team match. Their partners, Enzo & Big Cass, enter next, and the New Day note that Enzo is wearing an entire clock as a necklace. Enzo explains that the clock is a reminder that the days of the New Day’s historic championship reign are numbered. Big E, rightly, wonders if a calendar might be more appropriate for such an accounting–but he is quickly interrupted by the Shining Stars. They find it odd that Enzo and Cass have their sights set on the Tag Team Championships when they haven’t been able to beat Puerto Rico’s finest. However, before they can finish their verbal barrage, their partners, Anderson & Gallows, arrive and march with much determination to the ring for their match, during which…

* The New Day and Enzo & Cass defeat the Shining Stars and Anderson & Gallows. Following the match, Anderson & Gallows take out their frustrations on their own partners.

* Backstage, Rusev and Lana are informed that Lana has been banned from ringside for tonight’s Clash of Champions rematch against Roman Reigns. At this, Lana pouts.

–Advertisement for fried chicken, featuring Dolph Ziggler in his last victory of 2016.–

* Looking over his shoulder, literally, during his backstage interview, Chris Jericho does not know why Seth Rollins has not been forcibly removed from the arena after his attack on a fine young lad like Bo Dallas. Nor does he know why Kevin Owens has been punished for merely having friends–something Rollins used to have, but lost, be it The Shield or The Authority.

* Roman Reigns pins Rusev to retain the United States Championship. After the match, Luke Harper, wearing the same shirt he wore when he was last seen months ago, attacks Reigns and moans eerily.

–Advertisement discouraging youth from smoking, wherein a woman tears the flesh from her own face. Plan your dessert accordingly.–

* Brian Kendrick forces Cedric Alexander to submit after feigning an injury, the scamp.

–Advertisement for a USA television program with a mysterious premise. The program will be cancelled before the mystery is revealed. However, the answer to the mystery would have been that they are all pets, and the pets are the real owners.–

* During a backstage interview, Brian Kendrick asserts that the other cruiserweights are lucky he is around to show them the ropes. Unlike them, he was already in WWE…before he was unceremoniously released years ago. The new batch of cruiserweights may have been around the world, but Kendrick knows the Universe–and he will show them that it is a harsh, unforgiving place.

* Darren Young defeats Titus O’Neil in a match that will definitely happen this time, I promise you.

* A limousine arrives at the building. The announcers soil themselves wondering who it contains.

–Advertisement for Hell in a Cell, the event that will see Triple H disrupt Seth Rollins’s match with Kevin Owens.–

* In the night’s main event, Chris Jericho defeats Seth Rollins with the help of Kevin Owens, the occupant of the afore-mentioned limousine.

* It all leads to the following matches at the Hell in a Cell event on 30 October:

* Seth Rollins vs. Kevin Owens for the Universal Championship inside Hell in a Cell
* Sasha Banks vs. Charlotte for the Raw Women’s Championship inside Hell in a Cell
T* J Perkins vs. Brian Kendrick for the Cruiserweight Championship
* The New Day vs. Sheamus & Rusev for the Raw Tag Team Championships
* Roman Reigns vs. Luke Harper for the United States Championship
* Cesaro vs. Chris Jericho
* Enzo & Big Cass vs. Anderson & Gallows

And with that, I am certain I will see all of you next week. In the meantime, congratulations to New Orleans Saints fans, and my sympathies to anyone who watches Donald Trump expose himself during the presidential debate. You can’t say I have not warned you.