wrestling / Columns
The 411 Wrestling Year-End Awards: Part Two – The Best Non-Wrestlers of 2015
Welcome back to the Wrestling Top 5, year-end awards edition! What we are going to is take a topic, and all the writers here on 411 will have the ability to give us their Top 5 on said topic, and the end, based on where all of these topics rank on people’s list, we will create an overall Top 5 list. It looks a little like this…
1st – 5
2nd – 4
3rd – 3
4th – 2
5th – 1
It’s similar to how we do the WOTW voting. At the end we tally the scores and get our overall top 5! It’s highly non-official and final, like WWE’s old power rankings. From some of the best and worst, the 411 staff is ready to break down the awards! Thanks for joining us, and lets get down to work.
This award is open to managers, commentators, bookers, on air authority figures and the like. If they are an active part of the wrestling business (not as an in ring performer) they are eligible.
5. Bryce Remsburg
4. Paul Heyman
3. Vampiro
2. Catrina
1. Dario Cueto – My “best of” lists are liable to be dominated by Lucha Underground. It’s fantastic, the coolest show in pro wrestling by far. It does an especially great job with its non-wrestling talent. Apologies to Hugo Savinovich for not listing him. Most exciting announcer in the business. Vampiro is a mild cheat here since he did wrestle one match. Yet he did double duty as an English/Spanish commentator before that and the match set him up as Pentagon Jr.’s evil mentor in one of the best-executed plot twists of 2015. Best gig in the business is jobbing to Mil Muertes because it means Catrina is going to lick you. She brings a whole new meaning to the term femme fatale. Yet how can you pick anyone other than El Jefe? He was venal, shrewd, murderous, haughty and just generally brilliant. He completely redefined the heel authority figure. Unlike the painful segments where the Authority or Dixie Carter hit our screens, Cueto nails his scenes like the professional actor he is. How good is he? He’s rewind and watch it again good. Now he’s on the run with Black Lotus, whose parents he possibly murdered, with his giant, bloodthirsty brother Matanza locked in the back trailer. It’s pro wrestling meets telenovela and it works because Cueto is sublime.
5. Drake Wuertz
4. Paul Heyman
3. Truth Martini
2. Catrina
1. Dario Cueto – This was one of the easier decisions to make of all of the awards. Lucha Underground did a tremendous job in creating the ultimate “El Jefe” in Dario Cueto. I don’t want to leave out a shoutout to number two on the list, Catrina, who went from nothing at Maxine in WWE, to fantastic as Catrina in LU. Anyway, Dario was the perfect boss character to run the Temple. He just nailed every interaction that he had, whether it was wielding his power with the Crew, taking enjoyment in the chaos he caused in the ring or being the best part of the Black Lotus storyline. There is something about Dario that is just so captivating and charismatic. In a time where the heel authority figure is BEYOND stale and tired, Dario and Lucha Underground showed that, if handled right, it could work in wondrous ways. When he appeared on my screen, it was always highly entertaining. In 2016, I need more Dario Cueto, which I honestly can’t say about any other heel boss character.
5. Stephanie McMahon
4. Jamie Noble
3. William Regal
2. Dario Cueto
1. Paul Heyman – No one in wrestling cuts as consistently strong promos as Paul Heyman. As has been the case in recent years, Heyman’s primary role in 2015 was to keep Brock Lesnar relevant when Lesnar didn’t appear on screen, and Heyman achieved this goal quite ably again, carrying much of the weight for rivalries with Seth Rollins and The Undertaker, delivering promos that were at once entertaining in their own right and constructed to drive viewers to Lesnar’s matches.
5. JBL
4. Renee Young
3. Lana
2. Paul Heyman
1. Corey Graves – Let it be known my original list included The Rock and William Regal. Rock did not have a match, thus he would be technically be a wrestler in 2015, and Regal, I couldn’t remember if he had a match or not. Either way, my assumption is Heyman will get a ton of votes. Lana will (that fad ended quickly though), and Renee Young will as well. JBL gets a shout out from me, but my top spot goes to Corey Graves. NXT is probably the greatest thing in the entire world right now, and I believe Graves is a big reason why. He is the youth, smarts, knowledge, and perfect “cool” factor all rolled into one.
5. William Regal
4. Nigel McGuiness
3. Paul Heyman
2. Catrina
1. Dario Cueto – I, along with many others, generally hate the authority figure in wrestling. Nigel does a good job in ROH, as he is a background figure and also does commentary. Regal is also more of a background figure in his role in NXT. But Dario Cueto from Lucha Underground felt like a breath of fresh air as far as the role goes. The man playing him is not in the business by traditional means, he is an actor playing a role, and he plays it perfectly well. They balanced his role well, some weeks in the front, some in the background or not around at all; but the performance of Luis Fernandez-Gil has been nearly as perfect as you could hope. The man is always entertaining and I honestly cannot picture anyone else in the role for Lucha Underground.
5. Jamie Noble & Joey Mercury
4. Gabe Sapolsky
3. Nigel McGuinness
2. Paul Heyman
1. Dario Cueto – Perhaps the easiest award to hand out this year. Cueto plays the perfect role as LU’s owner and steals the scene every time he is on television. The story is still built around the wrestling, but Cueto has a hand in all of it. At no point this year did I ever feel like Cueto was dominating any of the storylines or going long on a promo. If WWE could figure out this formula we could see a much better on-air product.
5. Nigel McGuinness
4. William Regal
3. Catrina
2. Paul Heyman
1. Dario Cueto – Going into this year, I figured Heyman would again be a lock to win this award, as he’s easily the most talented person on WWE’s payroll when he has a microphone in his hand. But he wasn’t around as much as I would’ve liked this year, and even if he had been, I’m not sure he could’ve touched the year that Dario Cueto had. In roughly eight months, Cueto has taken the tired trope of “evil owner” and turned it on its head, crafting a character who is only made more despicable because of how realistic he is. Plus, he doesn’t need twenty minutes at the top of every show to (occasionally) advance storylines – a peppering of short backstage segments in his office and the occasional in-ring appearance are all that’s necessary to let you know that El Jefe has his hands in everything as it pertains to Lucha Underground.
5. Paul Heyman
4. William Regal
3. Excalibur
2. Billy Kirkwood
1. Jim Smallman – If you don’t watch PROGRESS you’re missing out on one of the wrestling world’s very best pitchmen. Nobody works a crowd like Jim Smallman. He picks the crowd up when they’re down and he knows exactly what to say and when to say it. Nobody can read an audience quite like him and he is the glue that holds PROGRESS together. He’s one of the main reasons why I got hooked on PROGRESS as a promotion. The atmosphere helps, as the fans make PROGRESS fun (NXT Takeover London was an audience loaded with PROGRESS Ultras). I’d also like to say a few words about Billy Kirkwood, ICW’s announcer, as he’s pretty much my favorite play-by-play man in the business today. It’d probably not work all that well in promotions outside of Scotland but Kirkwood is not only knowledgeable but hugely entertaining and improves every broadcast he’s a part of.
5. William Regal
4. J&J Security
3. Lana
2. Paul Heyman
1. Xavier Woods – Yes, I get that Xavier Woods technically wrestles from time-to-time, but, if you look at his role in the company and the way the New Day is structured, Xavier is essentially the manager for Big E Langston and Kofi Kingston. If you consider him in those terms, he’s the best new manager to come along in wrestling since the heyday of Larry Sweeney almost ten years ago. The man’s comedic timing is second to none in current wrestling, and he knows the appropriate times to insert himself into matches so that his involvement always adds to what’s going on in the ring as opposed to detracting from it. Granted, he has yet to demonstrate the ability to cut a true money promo that the managers of old would cut, but part of that is due to the position he’s in on the card and part of it is due to the fact that contemporary wrestling seems to have given up on old school concepts of what used to draw money. In terms of a modern twist on the concept of a wrestling manager, Woods is just about everything that you could want, and 2015 is the year that he’s truly broken out in this role. I’m quite interested in seeing what he can do as the new year dawns.
5. Triple H
4. J & J Security
3. Excalibur
2. Paul Heyman
1. Dario Cueto – In many respects this is the most prestigious award 411 has to offer, encompassing as it does every single thing that is not a professional wrestler. Fire, chocolate, hugs, kittens, love, romance and adventure were all strong contenders, but in the end they’ve lost out to five people who coincidentally all work in the pro wrestling industry, and top of the pile is Dario Cueto. I didn’t follow Lucha Underground especially closely this year, which I feel bad about considering how incredibly cool the bits and pieces I did get round to watching seemed to be. However, even the most casual of viewers could recognize that Cueto is a very, very good performer, and in an age where managers are practically non existent and the authority figure is a worn out cliché, there was little opposition for this award anyway. The decision to use an on screen authority figure seemed on paper a questionable one for Lucha Underground, as they looked to distinguish themselves from other wrestling promotions who together had seemingly exhausted everything that could be done with that kind of character. There was something different about Cueto though- sleazy, sinister, bloodthirsty, and with enough charisma for five men, he was completely in tune with the questionable morals and grimy aesthetic that characterizes Lucha Underground, and seemed an organic part of the product, rather than a Triple H or Stephanie McMahon figure awkwardly imposing themselves at the beginning of every Raw to book the night’s matches and have an argument with Roman Reigns. You can tell that the man behind the character, Luiz Fernandez-Gil, is a proper actor with respectable film and television credits to his name; he inhabits his character with an ease and professionalism that even Paul Heyman can’t quite match. Cueto has been a refreshing and compelling presence in 2015, and hopefully he still has a place in Lucha Underground’s second season. There’s not been an episode of Raw in ages where the Authority’s presence has felt truly vital, but Dario Cueto leaving Lucha Underground would be an aching loss for the promotion.
5. Excalibur
4. Paul Heyman
3. Catrina
2. Gabe Sapolsky
1. El Jefe Dario Cueto – It’s no secret that one of the things that I hate the most about modern day wrestling is the authority figure. Over the years I feel that it has not only become a booking crutch for some promotions, but has also made them very lazy in their writing and storytelling. So when I saw that Lucha Underground was going to have an authority figure and that he was going to be some actor with no experience in the business, I rolled my eyes and feared for the worst. I am glad to say that I was completely wrong about him, and not only do I feel that Dario Cueto is the top non-wrestling performer in the business today but he’s one of my favorite overall performers on TV. What I love about “El Jefe” is that he’s not the cookie cutter evil owner. He is a man that opened a temple to watch people fight to entertain himself. He loves money, he’s not above paying people off, he’s not above changing his own plans if it ends up pleasing himself or causing pain to the performers he’s not a fan of. He also has a monster brother locked in a cage that eats people’s faces. Seriously though, the man is a great performer, he’s well written, his performances are awesome and the presentation of Dario Cueto has proven that you can do an authority figure that doesn’t feel like a retread or a cliché.
5. William Regal
4. Truth Martini
3. J&J Security
2. Dario Cueto
1. Paul Heyman – I’m not sure if there’s anyone who’s more money on a promo than Paul Heyman. Being the mouthpiece for the Beast Incarnate, he’s the perfect voice for one of the most legitimate wrecking machines that professional wrestling has ever seen. The only real negative that can be said about Paul is that he’s so underutilized when Brock’s away. I understand he doesn’t need to be paired with just anybody because he doesn’t need to be in another Curtis Axel situation ever again, but why can’t he be put in a non-managerial role? Even if he was imply given 30 minutes a week on the WWE Network in a talk radio sort of environment for the sake of ranting about wrestling, politics, what he had for breakfast, or just whatever is on his mind for the moment, it would be captivating. People would watch and it would be a draw for the subscription channel. But until we get more Heyman, I’ll simply look forward to whenever the next Brock appearance will be and I’ll know that the best talker in the business will be accompanying him.
5. Joey Mercury – 9 points
4. Jamie Noble and William Regal – 10 points
3. Catrina – 18 points
2. Paul Heyman – 40 points
1. Dario Cueto – 43 points
THE 2015 411 WRESTLING AWARDS:
* The Biggest Disappointment of The Year: The WWE Main Roster Creative Is Largely Shit – 26 points
* The Best Non-Wrestler of The Year: Dario Cueto – 43 points
* The Best Tag Team of The Year: TO BE DETERMINED (January 6th)
* The Worst PPV/Major Show of The Year: TO BE DETERMINED (January 7th)
* The Best Female of The Year: TO BE DETERMINED (January 8th)
* The Best PPV/Major Show of The Year: TO BE DETERMINED (January 11th)
* The Best Promotion of The Year: TO BE DETERMINED (January 12th)
* The Best Match of The Year: TO BE DETERMINED (January 13th)
* The Biggest Story of The Year: TO BE DETERMINED (January 14th)
* The Best Wrestler of The Year: TO BE DETERMINED (January 15th)
