The Smackdown Breakdown 09.16.04

Yeah, if you could go ahead and check out Mathew Sforcina’s Evolution Schematic that’d be great. Mm’kay?

Also, if you have one patriotic bone in your body, you’ll patronize the Presidential Election Caption Thread.

• WWE Smackdown — 9/16/04

• From Spokane, Wash.

• Your hosts are Michael Cole and Tazz.

• Best-of-Five, U.S. Title: Booker T. vs. John Cena. Torrie Wilson handles the ring intros. Booker schoolboys Cena immediately. Cena reverses a hammerlock, but Booker elbows him. Booker counters a hiptoss to a backslide for two. Cena gets a sunset flip for two and then a small package for two. A slam gets two more for Cena. Smart way to build the match, as both men hope to catch a quick fall. We return from commercial to Cena delivering a pair of clotheslines and a hiptoss bomb for two. Booker hotshots him and delivers a jumping sidekick. Booker gets a sunset flip, but Cena rolls through and stacks him up for two. Booker kicks out and delivers a crescent kick. Booker scoops Cena and puts his feet on the ropes, but the ref catches him. Cena delivers a flapjack to turn the tide. Cena nails a clothesline and back elbow but misses a diving shoulderblock. Booker spinebusters him and rolls into a jackknife for two. Booker goes out and grabs his title belt. Nick Patrick takes it away from him, distracting him long enough for Cena to roll him up for two. Cena delivers the Throwback. FIVE KNUCKLE SHUFFLE! Booker slips out of the FU but misses a spin kick. Cena pounds away in the corner. He gets so into it that Nick Patrick has to step in. Cena tosses him aside, enabling Booker to smash Cena with the US Title. ONE, TWO, THR–NOOO!!! Cena kicks out. Booker goes for the Ax Kick, but Cena catches him and delivers the FU for the win. Better than their previous matches, but this series still isn’t the classic that I’m sure the WWE hoped for. ***

• Elsewhere, Teddy Long congratulates Big Show for making such an impact last week. He offers the Big Show a choice between facing Eddy Guerrero or Kurt Angle at No Mercy. Is he a heel? Is he a face? Drama.

• Recap of Kidman losing his nerve and costing his team the tag titles.

• Michael Cole interviews Billy Kidman and asks him why he’s such a pussy. Kidman resents that and says he was just preventing another injury. He says he’s just misunderstood. He says he’s not afraid to do the SSP, he’s afraid of hurting people. Kidman asks the people if they really want to see him do the SSP and then calls them “bloodthirsty animals” when they answer ‘yes.’ London comes out points out that if Kidman wasn’t going to fight last week, he shouldn’t have agreed to defend the titles. London demands an explanation, but Kidman says he’s got nothing to say to him. London smacks him in the face, but Kidman just walks out. Don’t look now, but A) the WWE is pushing talented workers and B) they are delivering.

• The Smackdown Throwback is Jericho and Benoit winning TLC 3.

• Rob Van Dam & Rey Misterio vs. The Dudley Boyz. D-Von corners RVD and fires away with punches. Rey tags in and delivers a springboard ax-handle to D-Von’s arm. Rey hits D-Von with a springboard flip. Spike trips him up from outside, and Bubba takes over. Rey counters a wheelbarrow to a bulldog. RVD gets the hot tag and takes the Dudleyz down with kicks. He hits D-Von with the top rope thrust kick, but Bubba trips him up from the outside. A Dudley doubleteam backfires, and RVD finishes D-Von with the Five Star Frogsplash. Typical stuff from Dudleyville. *ѕ Spike kicks D-Von in the nads for his failure. Spike lets Bubba and D-Von know he’s in charge. I like evil Spike, but they might wanna take it down several thousand notches.

• Michael Cole apologizes for being unprofessional last week. Just last week? What about 1999?

• In the locker room, Eddy approaches Big Show and tells him he’s really impressed. Eddy tells him he’s not going to tolerate Show making his big return at Eddy’s expense. He tells Big Show to sign the contract that says, “Eddy Guerrero.”

• JBL decides he’s going to call out the Undertaker in an effort to make people think he’s a worthy champion. I’m not touching that one except to say the last time he did this, we got Mini-Taker.

• JBL comes out after the break. This time, we get the real Undertaker. JBL sends Jordan out calls for a boxing match. It goes badly for JBL, but it was all a setup anyway. Viscera and Gangrel come out to turn the tables, but that doesn’t last long as the Undertaker takes out three guys before succumbing to the Clothesline From Hell. Funny thing, they point out that Viscera and Gangrel were members of the Ministry, but they don’t point out that Bradshaw was too!

• Non-Title: Rene Dupree & Kenzo Suzuki vs. The FBI. Suzuki & Dupree’s music has been mixed together and I kinda like it. Well, this answers the question I had last week about why the FBI didn’t get a shot. The FBI works over Dupree to start. Suzuki yanks the ropes, though, and Nunzio spills to the outside. Heidenreich comes out and kidnaps Michael Cole. Tazz walks out, so we have no commentary. Not that there’s much going on. Stamboli press slams Dupree, but Suzuki makes the save. The FBI sets up for a decapitation move on Dupree, but Suzuki makes the save again by shoving Nunzio to the floor. Dupree finishes Stamboli with a Michinoku Driver. Ѕ*

• “Shellshock ‘Nam 67” looks good, but the only way it could be realistic is if there were no possible way to win.

• Cole and Tazz aren’t back yet, so we get a cold open video package. The Raw Rebound is Randy Orton and his band of merry men making life miserable for Evolution. He RKO’s Batista and NOT HHH as I typed in the Rawtopsy. Oops!

• We catch up with Heidenreich and Michael Cole on their date. It must be going well, because they’re locked in the 15-minute room. I think we all had our suspicions, but we see here that Cole is a catcher and not a pitcher.

• Luther Reigns tries to talk some sense to Big Show on behalf of Kurt Angle. Well, that should make Show’s decision much simpler. Or does it?

• Back to Cole and Heidenreich’s Erotic Nights. They’ve moved on to auto-erotic asphyxiation and poetry. Heidenreich seems a little perturbed that Cole didn’t like his poem. He gets all clingy as Cole pulls his pants up and tells Heidi that a prime piece of ass like his can’t be tamed by one man, no matter how rough his hands, nor how mellifluous his dulcet rhymes. (Btw, if you haven’t seen the show and think I’m joking about all this…well, I am, but there definitely was implied sodomy and poetry.)

• Charlie Haas (w/MISS JACKIE~!) vs. Spike Dudley. Jackie is the top two reasons I watch Smackdown. Tazz has returned, so we have commentary. Haas offers Spike a clean shot at a single leg, but counters to a front facelock. Haas delivers an armdrag and a hiptoss. D-Von distracts the ref while Bubba slams Haas’ arm into the ringpost. Spike works the arm further with a keylock, but Haas powers out of it. Haas delivers a springboard crossbody. Spike tries the Dudley Dog, but Haas tosses him to the outside. This draws D-Von in to attack Haas for the DQ. ѕ* Dudleyz do a big beatdown until RICO makes the save.

• Carlito Caribbean offers to teach us how to be cool.

• Because of the shenanigans earlier, the Ministry will meet the Undertaker in a handicap match next week. Well, so much for Gangrel and Viscera’s comeback.

• Teddy Long conducts an informal poll on who the Big Show should face at No Mercy. The crowd seems split 50/50 between Angle and Eddy. I believe Show met Eddy at last year’s No Mercy as well. Angle promises no retaliation for being thrown off the balcony. He says Show should just go on his merry way. Eddy is more direct and promises Show an ass-kicking should he sign the contract. If Eddy’s gonna deliver more promos like that, maybe he should have mental breakdowns more often. Crowd chants, “Triple Threat.” After a long moment to decide, Show signs to face Eddy. Angle and Luther Reigns jump Guerrero and attack him as Show watches. Angle is all cocky, so Show rips the contract up and signs to meet Angle. Angle and Luther jump him, but Eddy makes the save. Long makes the logical match for next week — Eddy & Big Show vs. Angle & Luther Reigns.

Final Thoughts: Another solid show. Certainly nothing huge outside of the return of a couple jobbers who’ll be lucky to last to the new year. It’s not that they’re doing everything right, but they’ve cut out a lot of the things they used to do wrong. Gangrel & Viscera are additions that make sense in storyline if not business. Kidman and London continue to shine. Even the Big Show’s return has been well-handled. More than anything, though, Smackdown has that sense of “anything can happen” that makes Raw so superior.

J.D. Dunn