The SmarK RAW Rant – February 4 2002

The SmarK RAW Rant – February 4, 2002

– After a week or so of non-stop SimGolf, some of the initial addictive aspects have worn off, but it’s still a darn good game. In other PC news to piss me off, Tony Hawk 3 for the PC was announced as coming out mid-March after I went and bought a GameCube just for that game because I figured it wouldn’t be coming out on PC.

– Live from Lost Wages, Nevada.

– Your hosts are JR & King

– Opening interview: HHH is out right away to show Angle what’s what. Okay, bad choice of words for Kurt. Booker T answers instead, however, and in the great tradition of Bill Watts they hook ‘em up and it’s a Heymanized Impromptu Battle:

– Booker T v. HHH. They do some brawling before heading in, where HHH USES THE KNEE~!, but gets sidekicked. Twice. That poor move is taking such a beating because Steve Austin seems to be the only guy who’ll sell it any more. HHH fights back, but gets elbowed for two. Bookend is reversed to a spinebuster and HHH uses the stupid choke takedown and gets a facebuster. Pedigree, reversed, KICK WHAM PEDIGREE, but Angle runs in at 2:32 for the DQ and lays the beats down like he’s DJ Ran all up in our area. So how many shitty post-comeback HHH matches do we have to endure before someone above him points out how repetitive and limited his moveset is becoming again? Remember in 2000 when he was doing all that selling and busting out all those cool new twists in his offense every PPV? Now it’s back to knee, knee, neckbreaker, choke, Pedigree again and I’m getting worried. Maybe it’s Jericho’s fault. Ѕ*

– Meanwhile, Hunter roams the halls in search of George Zahorian. Just to say “Hi”, though.

– Meanwhile, Billy & Chucky invade the girl’s locker room to show off the Billy & Chuck Calendar. Why is Sharmell Sullivan, who doesn’t wrestle and wasn’t even on the show this week, the only one wearing a towel? Is it a common thing in WWF locker rooms for the chicks just to get naked and chill or something? Not that I’m COMPLAINING. Anyway, Torrie and Stacy put aside their differences long enough to accept a posedown challenge for Smackdown.

– Meanwhile, Hunter continues raging against the machine, finding a couple of rent-a-cops guarding Vince’s door, behind which Angle hides. You know, I’d hate to live in WWF Reality if I was someone who actually NEEDED police protection. Angle announces that Vince has made a match at the PPV between he and HHH, with HHH’s title shot on the line. I thought FLAIR was the fake figurehead making the matches this week? Is it so hard for the writers to just sit down and decide who MAKES THE FRIGGIN MATCHES one of these weeks?

– Rob Van Dam v. Bubba Ray Dudley. Hey, remember when they actually ran this as a main event of an ECW PPV? Remember when there were ECW PPVs? Remember ECW? Bubba hammers away but gets legswept and RVD gets Rolling Thunder. Stacy interferes, so the ref sends both her and D-Von packing. Bubba uses the moment to get the Bubba Bomb, but he’s too distracted by the abuse of referee power going on to get a cover. You know, it’s reasons like this why wrestlers need a union. Neckbreaker gets two. Suplex and elbowdrops get two. Rob fights back with a spinkick and a frog splash for the pin at 3:21. They messed up a spot around the time of Stacy getting tossed and never really recovered. Ѕ*

– BUT WAIT! It appears that Goldust’s target is RVD, which pretty much shows that there’s no serious plans in the future for either guy. He attacks and gives him the Shattered Nuts. Rob will be okay after some medicinal marijuana, I’ll bet.

– Meanwhile, Stephanie has a big surprise for Hunter later in the show.

– Meanwhile, Undertaker yells at Michael Cole for no particular reason, but Jericho assures him that he has his back tonight.

– WWF tag title match: Spike & Tazz v. Billy & Chuck v. The APA. This is elimination rules, and JR notes that in a new twist, anyone can tag anyone! Well, gee, Jim, I’d hope so, because if you could only tag your own partner, then only the two teams who started could legally be involved in the match. Chuck & Tazz start, and Tazz suplexes him into a Spike double-stomp. Chuck quickly comes back and pounds him, however, as does Billy. Flapjack gets two. Chuck’s discus punch gets two. Spike comes back with a tornado DDT, allowing a hot tag to Faarooq. The APA double-teams Billy with their one move (the spinebuster) and then expands the moveset with an assisted powerbomb, before Faarooq falls victim to the Dumbasser at 4:21. Spike quickly finishes Billy with the Acid Drop at 4:45. Certainly can’t fault them for trying to establish Spike & Tazz as a legitimate threat. I will fault them for moving the belts to Ace & Gary when it happens, though. Ѕ*

– Vince is out, and darned if he isn’t upset at the world. He calls out Flair and wants an explanation. I want one too, because Austin’s involvement was never really explained except as a deus ex machina way to end the segment. Vince calls Flair a liar. Stop laughing, that really happened. He also accuses Flair of being too selfish. What’s so funny? That’s what really happened. Flair is amused, not because of the ridiculously blatant ironic nature of Vince’s accusations, but because he did it for the fans. How sweet. Vince gets retributionistic by showing a video of Hogan, Hall and Nash for the first time. Nothing makes ME beg for mercy more than endless videos of Scott Hall waggling his fingers like a moron, so point to Vince there. Crowd barely pops for the video. Could be trouble. This was the hypodermic needle in the cheesecake as far as the Flair-Vince interviews have been going.

– Meanwhile, moving down the stooge ladder, Patterson, Brisco and AA confer as to the ramifications of bringing in the nWo. Patterson & Brisco should be happy – that match at King of the Ring 2000 will look like Flair-Steamboat compared to what Nash is gonna be peddling in his first couple of months back.

– Intercontinental title: William Regal v. Rikishi. Rikishi attacks and gets an elbow. Regal keeps crawling for the apron, presumably looking for the brass knuckles. He gets his running knee, then hammers away in the corner, into a Regal Stretch. Rikishi stems the evil tide of, um, evilness and backdrops him, however. Regal keeps pounding on him, drawing on the spirit of Hugh Grant and any other famous people who may come from England. JR & King are so enthralled with the action that they can’t stop talking about the nWo and how they’re evil for focusing all the attention on themselves. Regal grabs a half-nelson, boring the crowd. Rikishi comes back with a buttdrop to set up a banzai drop (speaking of boring movesets, remember when Rikishi used to bust out cool shit like the Rikishi Driver instead of this Generic Fat Guy offense?), but Edge runs in for the DQ at 4:06. ѕ* He’s dressed all in black, so I guess he just saw Return of the Jedi or something. I only hope in the midst of transitioning to this new paradigm of in-your-faceness and proactivity, Edge doesn’t forget the one thing that’s truly important: Conditioner. HHH neglected his hair after the heel turn in 1999, and now he’ll never get that sheen back again. DON’T LET IT HAPPEN TO YOU, ADAM! THINK OF YOUR HAIR! I’m just so hyped to see another **1/4 Edge-Regal classic at the PPV. Wow, like, someone get me some decaf so I can calm the fuck down.

– Meanwhile, Rock challenges Undertaker to a match at the PPV and sings some “Viva Rock Vegas”. Not one of his more awesome segments.

– Stephanie comes out for the big surprise. She brings hubbie out first, because she wants to renew their wedding vows. So does that mean HHH is gonna slip her another roofie and take her through a drive-in chapel before raping her again, or is Test gonna interrupt their wedding this time and get the monster push after headlining a PPV against Vince? HHH has apparently considered both of these possibilities (he IS the Cerebral Assassin, you know) and thinks it’s a stupid idea. Great line: Why DOES everything with the McMahons have to be on live TV? Stephanie blames the fans, but HHH still refuses, until Steph gets desperate and pulls the pregnancy trick on him. Well, since we’re in Vegas this week, might as well lay odds on which ridiculous turn the storyline will take, considering that it’s both Heyman and Steph writing…

– If Stephanie writes: Stephanie isn’t pregnant at all and she’s just playing HHH for a sucker since she’s smarter and prettier than everyone else in the promotion. 7:5 odds.
– If Heyman writes: Stephanie isn’t pregnant at all and she’s secretly been in a lesbian relationship with Stacy Keibler, who HHH then goes on to squash at the next PPV before the Dudley Boyz (who won the tag titles from Billy & Chuck earlier in the night) attack, drawing Chris Jericho out to make the save because they respect each other after their Wrestlemania match. They have an impromptu title match, which Jericho & HHH win, but they don’t really like each other, but still go on to hold the tag titles for 6 months while HHH is still WWF champion. At some point Stacy turns on the Dudley Boyz and joins them and the initial angle is completely forgotten. The WWF goes bankrupt and sells to Acclaim six months later. 50:1 odds.
– If Eric Bischoff writes: Stephanie IS pregnant, and Jericho is the father. They have a match to settle things, but the nWo attacks both guys and we’re desperately out of time. 20:1 odds.
– If Vince Russo writes: Stephanie is pregnant, and he’s the father. He books a cage match with himself against HHH for the WWF title (after he won it from Jericho on Heat 6 weeks before Wrestlemania) and Jericho is the special referee. Jericho turns on Russo and helps HHH win, but on RAW the next night Russo announces that Jericho failed to read the fine print of the contract, which said that if he turned on Russo, Russo would be awarded the WWF title by default. HHH & Jericho team up in a handicap match against Russo later in the show, but HHH turns on Jericho to allow Russo to win and retain the title. But HHH reveals that Russo didn’t read the fine print in the contract, which said that he had to pin HHH, not Jericho, to win, so they have another singles match to settle things, with Jericho as special referee again. Jeff Jarrett inexplicably runs in and hits everyone with a guitar before pinning Russo to win the title. Stephanie brings a baby carriage with a picture of Big Show in it a few weeks later, because she’s actually in love with him, but the Filthy Animals bury him in the desert before the blowoff match can take place. Jeff Jarrett loses the WWF title back to Russo with a fingerpoke on RAW. The WWF goes bankrupt and sells to the XWF for $4.50 six months later. 5000:1 odds.
– If Vince McMahon writes: Stephanie is pregnant, and IT WAS HIM, IT WAS HIM ALL ALONG. 15:1 odds.
– If Pat Patterson writes: No one ever gets pregnant, Goldust, Billy and Chuck all get big pushes. 50,000:1 odds.

– I think I lost the original point in there somewhere, but HHH certainly seems to be overjoyed (but whose hair will the poor kid inherit? And whose nose?). The crowd chants “bullshit”, obviously onto the angle well before anyone, including Hunter. This is gonna make the Cerebral Assassin look so dumb he might as well move to Kentucky and change his name to Hunter Hearst Hardy.

– Women’s title: Trish v. Jazz. Yeah, again. Trish runs into a boot, but goes up and misses whatever. Jazz dropkicks herfor two and gets a backdrop for two. Trish fights back but gets hotshotted. Legdrop gets two for Jazz. She grabs a half-crab and turns it into a nice STF, but Trish makes the ropes. Trish comes back, but the Trishdog is reversed into a backdrop suplex and the fisherman’s buster gets it at 3:37. ‘bout time. ѕ*

– Steve Austin & The Rock v. Chris Jericho & Undertaker. Haven’t we seen like 5,000 different combinations of this tag match in recent weeks? Why not go for a six-man one of these times, or an 8-man elimination match, just for kicks? Some idiot jumps the rail and goes after Jericho, obviously part of the massive anti-Canadian conspiracy that has been raging against Jericho since DAY ONE. The Man can’t keep him down, however, as he fights him off. Big brawl to start as the marriages pair off. In the ring, Austin stomps Jericho and gets a spinebuster, but apparently not one on the pine. Lariat gets two. Rock dumps Jericho, but taunts UT and gets an asskicking because of it. Rock comes back with a backdrop suplex for two. Austin slugs away and gets the Thesz Press and FU elbow for two. Taker boots him and Jericho comes back in, stomping Austin. Sleeper, but Austin backdrops out. Taker elbows (I think, even I have trouble deciphering my shorthand after a while…) Austin to cut off the tag, however. They brawl out, where Taker inflicts some damage. Back in, Jericho gets two. Austin spears him, but goes to the well again and spears himself on the post. Jericho drops an elbow for two. C’mon, someone work on the shoulder! Austin comes back with an Austin Crab, but Taker breaks and comes back in with a chinlock. That’s just no acceptable in one of these tag matches. They clothesline each other, hot tag Rock. DDT for Jericho, Taker gets dumped. Spine (on the pine this time) and Scorpion King Deathlock, but Taker breaks. Everyone brawls out, and Jericho gets the Walls on Rock back in the ring. Austin breaks with the KICK WHAM STUNNER, but Rock only gets two due to nefarious anti-referee tactics by Undertaker. Rock Bottom, no ref. Taker uses Vince’s FREUDIAN PIPE OF DOOM to KO Rock, giving Jericho the pin at 13:22. That Undertaker, what a bad person. Match was the usual. **1/2

The Bottom Line: The show was a total yawner for the first 75 minutes, although the thought of Stephanie reproducing (ever read Stephen King’s “Dreamcatcher”?) is enough to scare you into alertness, if nothing else.

Oh my god, I heard that the nWo was spotted in a hospital near Smackdown, getting high colonics! What could this mean? Tune in next week to find out!

Until next time, buy me stuff!