The SmarK RAW Rant – June 16 2003

The SmarK RAW Rant – June 16, 2003

– Geez, I finally get through that horrid PPV and now I’m subjected to THIS show. It’s like what life must be like for Scotsman’s fiancй or something.

– Quick game recommendation: The Hulk. It’s a mindlessly violent beat-em-up but it’s SO mindless and SO violent that you can’t help but be endeared by the single-minded nature of the game in the Hulk levels. Plus the Banner MGS levels break up the loudness to give your assaulted nerves a break. Really fun and a great weekend rental.

– Live from Dallas, TX.

– Your hosts are JR & King.

– Opening interview: Mick Foley joins us to plug the book, already breaking his promise to leave after the PPV. He does promise that NEXT week will be his last, however. He puts over the HITC match last night (perhaps all the chairshots have left him thinking of 2000, which was HHH’s last good HITC match) and now he’s finally remembered who he is. However, Evolution interrupts (now with group music and video). For some reason I think they need a umlaut or two in that logo. Do that Motley Crue thing. Orton talks for the group and invites Foley to join, but Mick replies sarcastically that there’s nothing he wants more than to be a “Four Horsemen wannabe”. That’s funny. Mick thinks Orton has potential to be better than the group if only he’d stop being a pussy about his injuries. And until he wears “WWF” gold, he shouldn’t even call himself a superstar. Hey, if Mick makes Orton, too, more power to him. Better him than HHH. Randy says that he doesn’t need to mutilate his body, then shows his extensive tattoos. Orton then wishes Mick out of retirement so he can beat him, too. Better be careful, Randy. Mick offers him a free shot, but HHH wisely holds him back. Randy lets go with one, and gets clobbered, as Mick fights off the whole group, especially HHH. Orton interrupts the beating, however, and hits him with the O Crusher until…Snow & Maven make the save? Well, that’s certainly not what I was expecting. I sense a six-man tonight. Awesome opening segment.

– Meanwhile, Bischoff puts the badmouth on Mae & Moolah and books Mae against someone tonight.

– Ivory & The Dudley Boyz v. Jazz, Rodney Mack & Chris Nowinski. The faces clean house to start and Bubba throws Ivory onto Nowinski. Back in, the Dudleyz double-team Mack and Bubba pounds him in the corner, but a cheapshot from Nowinski allows some shenanigans from the heels. Mack with the armbar takedown and Nowinski keeps on it for two. He goes to an armbar, which Bubba fights out of with a Bubbabomb, but Mack pulls D-Von off the apron. Ivory gets the tag instead and goes with Jazz, and a facejam gets nothing because Long is busy haterizing. It’s BONZO GONZO but Nowinski gets slammed and D-Von hits Mack with a flying clothesline. Double flapjack on Nowinski as everyone seems lost, and Ivory adds her version of the Whazzup drop on Mack. D-Von is again sent for tables, but 3D takes Nowinski out of the equation. We’re left with Ivory and Jazz, and Ivory rolls her up for the pin at 4:16. Really sloppy match. *1/2

– Meanwhile, RVD & Kane do the Booker & Goldust “If we don’t win tonight we’ll go our separate ways” deal, and that’s the way Kane wants it. How many Journey quotes do we need in one segment?

– Meanwhile, Foley & Snow reminisce about old times and Maven announces a singles match against Randy Orton. But Foley wants to be there to counteract Flair. I smell a turn, and not just JR turning his ribs over on the BBQ.

– Lance Storm v. Garrison Cade. GARRISON? I know they don’t want us to be confused by multiple Lances, but GARRISON? Might as well give him a hand puppet. Austin interrupts before the match even starts and declares that Storm is so boring that he can cure Austin’s insomnia. Way to put over your stars. Austin basically encourages the crowd to chant “boring” in a surreal moment as they do some basic wrestling. The focus is more on Austin getting ready for bed on the ramp. Storm pounds away in the corner and gets a leg lariat, but Cade comes back and gets two. The camera keeps focusing on Austin and his running commentary that’s burying the product and Storm, and Storm gets distracted and rolled up for the pin at 2:42. ј* That was one of the single most counterproductive segments I’ve ever seen.

– Chris Jericho & Christian v. Booker T & Goldberg. Don’t they have any OTHER matches they can trot out every two weeks when they need to fill 15 minutes? Oh, wait, GoldBERG. Sorry, reflex action. Goldberg pounds on Jericho to start and presses him out of the ring, and we take a commercial break while we restore order. We return with Booker kicking Jericho down, and he flees to avoid Goldberg, so Christian gets to take the bullet. Goldberg catches him with a powerslam, and blocks a suplex with a neckbreaker. Vitamin C double-team him, but he fights them off and Booker comes back in. He gets double-teamed after a cheapshot and Jericho drops some elbows for two. Booker comes back with the rollup, but Jericho rolls into the Walls. Goldberg makes the save. Hot tag to Goldberg, and he gets an atomic drop and Bret Killer ’99 on Jericho and pounds Christian in the corner. Press into powerslam on Jericho gets two. Pumphandle slam on Jericho sets up the spear, but Christian pulls Jericho out of the way and Goldberg hits nothing but turnbuckle. Booker tags back in with a forearm and spinkick on Christian, and then Jericho tags into an axe kick. Spinarooni is interrupted by Christian, and Jericho hits him with the bulldog and Lionsault. Goldberg then spears Jericho, leaving Booker to nail Christian with the IC belt and get the pin at 12:59. Good, fun match all around. ***1/4

– We get the lowlights of the pie-eating contest last night, and Bischoff plays Hostile Ring Announcer for the next match. Minor note: Bischoff says that Mae Young is under WWE contract so she has to do what he says. So what does Zach Gowan feel like now knowing that an 80-year old woman can get a contract and he can’t?

– Mae Young v. Test. Austin interrupts and he’s upset that Eric went over his head, so he makes Scott Steiner the special referee. The match never happens, sadly, as Test pumphandle slams Mae Young and then leaves before Steiner even gets to the ring. On the replay, TSN cuts out the move. I’m impressed – Test did it so fast he beat the censors. Because beating up old women worked so well for 3 Minute Warning.

– Meanwhile, Rico preps for his new gimmick… the Even More Gay Rico. Once they get stuck on an idea…

– Rico v. Spike Dudley. Rico puts Spike on top to start, and gets caught with a rana as a result. Rollup gets two. Bulldog and flying headscissors, but Rico drops him on the top rope and gets a neckbreaker for two. Rico chokes him out in the corner. Shoulderbreaker gets two. Crowd starts chanting for Lance Storm’s new gimmick and Rico kicks him down for two. Spike comes back with a clothesline as Rico comes off the top, and a half-nelson rollup gets two. They head up and Rico’s superplex attempt is stopped and Spike stomps him. Backdrop, but Jackie uses her feminine wiles to distract Spike and Rico finishes with a spinkick at 4:33. Way, way, WAY too long for what they were trying to do. Ѕ*

– Meanwhile, Austin bitches out RVD & Kane for their performances as of late. He wants ACTION tonight.

– Randy Orton v. Maven. Orton grabs a headlock and takes him down to start. Another takedown, more posing. Another headlock and he overpowers Maven, but gets caught with armdrags and the DROPKICK OF DOOM to send him reeling. Maven sends him back in, but gets caught with a nasty DDT coming in, and it gets two for Orton. Orton pounds away in the corner and gets what looked like an unintentional brainbuster for two. We hit the chinlock as the match grinds to a halt, and Orton finally releases and gets two. Dropkick gets two. Maven comes back with a DDT and they slug it out, won by Maven. Leg lariat and bulldog get two. Mick goes after Flair with the sock, but Orton goes after him, allowing Maven to head up and get a crossbody for two. Maven’s suplex is reversed to the O Crusher for the pin at 7:25. Foley goes after him with the sock afterwards, but he and Flair flee. Decent match but they weren’t ready for that kind of time on live TV. ** And we segue right into…

– RAW tag titles: La Resistance v. Kane & RVD. But first a commercial. Kane starts by choking out both of the French people, and dumps Grenier. And Dupree. He’s a MONSTER. Rob follows them out with a weak dive, and then guillotines Dupree with Kane’s help. These guys are, like, so totally on the same page, dude. And then we take ANOTHER break. We return with Grenier surfboarding RVD and cutting off a tag. The champs work Rob over in the corner and Dupree hits the chinlock. Rob fights out, but Grenier puts him in ANOTHER chinlock. I think three in a row is bit excessive. Neckbreaker gets two. Back to the surfboard. Rob fights out and makes the hot tag to Kane, who cleans house with his dazzling array of clotheslines, but misses the flying one. He recovers with a choke into an RVD missile dropkick, which gets two for RVD. Dropkick and a sloppy suplex on Grenier set up Rolling Thunder, but Dupree breaks it up with a death valley driver. Kane gets the flying clothesline on him, but they use the dreaded THUMB TO THE EYE to send Kane hurtling out of the ring in pain. They lay him out on the floor, leaving RVD two on one for La Crepe, but Rob I guess reverses it and gets two on Grenier. He goes up and gets shoved into Kane, and Kane gets all fired up. He nails Dupree with a chair for the DQ at 11:58, and then chases Grenier into the crowd to retrieve him. Well that match just kept GOING. ** Kane destroys them with a chair and then chokeslams them for good measure, but HHH interrupts. He makes the pitch for Evolution, but Austin interrupts. He points out the truth (Kane is a threat to the title and if he joins he’ll be HHH’s puppet) so Austin offers a title match against HHH next week instead. But Bischoff interrupts the interruptions and adds a stipulation – if Kane loses, he unmasks. Kane chokeslams HHH to answer the challenge. What is he, Mr. Ed? RVD is of course nowhere to be seen or heard during any of this, but perhaps it’s best they don’t do the clichй “feuding partners” deal and just let them get squashed by HHH individually. I know they’ve had a hardon for unmasking Kane for years now, so I wouldn’t bet on HHH doing the right thing next week (in fact, I’d count more on newest member Mark Jindrak costing Kane the match and the mask so we get yet another repackaging of Glen Jacobs), but I guess Goldberg is on the verge of getting jettisoned anyway so they need someone new to hold HHH over until the next WCW castoff for him to squash.

The Bottom Line:

Not a great show or anything, but at least most of the matches were decent –> good and they set up a pretty major plotline for next week instead of blowing it all off in one segment.

And since Kevin Nash was nowhere to be seen, I’ll again be merciful and declare this show a success. Yay unto me.