The SmarK RAW Rant – September 9 2002

The SmarK RAW Rant – September 9, 2002

– Geez, it’s ANOTHER new Bischoff pose. I’M FREAKING OUT.

– Quick request on behalf of Gabe Hollingsworth, who sent me the Coliseum tapes for my most recent rants: He’s looking for a copy of the Flair-Regal series from WCW Saturday Night in 1993 (?), so if you can help him out, e-mail him at [email protected].

– Live from Iowa State.

– Your hosts are JR & King.

– Opening match, tag titles: The Un-Americans v. JR’s Wet Dream Team (Kane & Bradshaw). HOSS ALERT! There’s HOSSES everywhere, BY GAWD. And can the undead vote? Because otherwise I can’t count Kane as an American. I mean, how can you be born a citizen if you were spawned from hellfire and brimstone? Is there a branch of constitutional law that deals with preternatural phenomena? Bradshaw cleans house to start and puts Storm out and back in with a suplex. Kane hammers Storm, but Christian tags in for some double-teaming. Kane shrugs them off and Bradshaw comes back in for more no-selling and a big boot on Christian that gets two. Kane tosses Christian around and chokes him out, but misses an elbow, and then no-sells his own offense by coming back with a sideslam on Christian for two. The Un-Americans use some un-American shenanigans to cheapshot Kane and work him over in the corner. Oh, the horror! Lawler is preoccupied with an announcement from Eric Bischoff. Well, he’s about out of titles to unify. Kane makes his own comeback and sideslams Storm out of the corner, hot tag Bradshaw. He’s a HOSS OF FIRE! Actually, I should have saved that one for Kane so I could get the double pun in, but c’est la vie. Bradshaw powerbombs Christian for two, but Storm saves and Christian gets two on Bradshaw. Unprettier is blocked with a powerslam that gets two. Storm hits Bradshaw with a clothesline to put him out, but Kane hits his own and the ref is bumped. Chokeslam for Storm, but we’re lacking in reffage, so Test runs in and boots Kane, and William Regal puts Bradshaw out with the brass knuckles at 6:48, and I guess we have another Un-American. Well, it certainly delivers as advertised. The match was a hot opener with a ridiculously overbooked finish. **

– Uncle Eric comes out for an EARTH-SHATTERING ANNOUNCEMENT. People are a BIT upset with HHH being given the World title last week. So tonight it’s yet another #1 contender match, this time a four-way with Jericho v. Hardy v. Big Show v. RVD. Bischoff slags the gay wedding on Smackdown while hyping it at the same time. Crowd doesn’t care. Eric promises the alternative for the heterosexual crowd – Hot Lesbian Action. Now THAT’S fan-friendly programming.

– Meanwhile, Jericho gives a promo while eating an apple.

– Meanwhile, HHH and Bubba have yet another confrontation, as Bubba accuses him of not having balls. Make your own steroid jokes. Spike Dudley is HHH’s job boy tonight, while Bubba gets Stevie, who punks him to make that point.

– Meanwhile, Trish & Terri pass by a door helpfully marked “Lesbians”. Normally I don’t like labeling people, but in this I’ll make an exception.

– Bubba Dudley v. Steven Richards. Steven is now from Philly again. Bubba attacks to start and gets a suplex and the dancin’ elbowdrop for two. They head up and Bubba puts him in the Tree of Woe for some punishment, but Richards clubs him from behind and whips him into the corner. Neckbreaker gets two. Richards stomps a mudhole, but Bubba gets a sunset flip for two. Both are out and they do the slugfest, into a Bubba german release suplex. Suplex gets two. Charge hits boot, but Bubba hotshots him. This match is going nowhere. Flip flop and fly and Bubba gets the tables, but walks into a Steviekick for two. Bubba spears him for two. Bubba goes up for a top rope BubbaBomb, but Stevie escapes and superkicks him, only to walk into a powerbomb for the pin at 5:52. This was pretty meandering, but not actively bad or anything. Kinda mid-level Sunday Night Heat – no real build to anything, just a bunch of moves strung together and a finish. *1/4 If they’re building to a RAW match between Bubba & HHH, however, they’re going about it the right way.

– Stacy & Victoria v. Trish & Terri. Victoria is apparently subbing for Molly. Wow, that changes the whole dynamic! Note the sarcasm. It’s a four-way catfight to start, and Terri cleans house, only to run into a Victoria forearm. Bad elbowdrop gets two. Terri slugs the heels down, but Stacy catches her from behind. Can they sustain this blistering pace? Victoria slingshots in with a legdrop for two. They blow a simple irish whip spot, and Victoria gets an over-the-shoulder backbreaker, but heel miscommunication gives Terri a rollup for two. Victoria goes up and misses a moonsault, hot tag Trish. She backdrops Victoria for two, but runs into a boot. Rana off the top gets two. Victoria gets a botched Main Event Spinebuster for two. Stacy spinkicks her for two. PLEASE end this match. Trish fights off the heels and bulldogs Stacy, and Terri comes off the top with a bodypress for the pin at 4:55. This was the usual brutal self-parodying women’s match. Ѕ*

– Meanwhile, Chris Nowinski breaks away from William Regal, who smacks him around and tells him to start acting like a Harvard grad instead of a retarded frat boy. When you need a pretty boy slapped, call Regal! And about time, too.

– Chris Nowinski comes out and insults the local university, but Tommy Dreamer defends imbeciles everywhere (rhyming “lame” with “cane”, thus proving Nowinski’s very point) and chases Nowinski off, only to get caned from behind while going after him. However, Tommy is HARDCORE, so he shrugs it off and beats the crap out of him with the cane. It’s like a hazing ritual come to life. Okay then.

– Meanwhile, Spike meets the Lesbians and does a spit-take. Part of me wants to mock it, but C’MON…it’s LESBIANS. Where do we draw the line? WHERE?

– HHH v. Spike Dudley. HHH offers a handshake before he squashes Spike. He even gives him a clean break in the corner. It’s a new HHH! Why, before you know it he’ll be putting Jericho over. HHH works a wristlock, but gets cradled for two. Spike runs away and catches a forearm on the rebound, and HHH bails. HHH grabs him and starts tossing him around outside to take over, but Spike headbutts him and gets a neckbreaker for two. Dig that crazy rub! He walks into a boot and HHH pounds away, and gets a couple of backbreakers. Spike comes back with a headscissors, and they do an awkward spinning version that leads into a Spike pescado. Back in, a Bombs Away gets two. Crowd isn’t buying any of this. Another try is countered by a lariat, and KICK WHAM PEDIGREE is academic. He doesn’t want the pin, however. Another go is blocked by a low blow, and the Acid Drop gets two. Crowd still isn’t buying the near-falls. Spike wants more, and the crowd turns on him, as HHH gets a Main Event Sleeper. Is he gonna beat him with a SLEEPER? You’ve gotta be shitting me. Spike is out at 7:38. THAT’S why I always mock the sleeper. This match actually turned HHH face. Real boring stuff. Ѕ* I think he was trying to recreate HHH-Taka from 2000 where he sold for the jobber and everyone on the ‘net went “Oooo, HHH is so not holding people down”, but Spike isn’t Taka and this isn’t 2000.

– Meanwhile, Jeff gets in Uncle Eric’s face, who immediately sucks up to him. Jeff is FILLED WITH ANGST, however, and threatens him. Yeah, that’s smart.

– Meanwhile, Johnny the Bull gives Big Show strategic advice and gets beat up for it.

– Meanwhile, KaneDust meets the real Kane and tries making small talk. Bradshaw proposes a pre-match HLA session, and Booker gets all patriotic about it. I think we need CRZ to count the number of times “Hot Lesbian Action” got mentioned tonight.

– Booker T & Goldust v. William Regal & Test. Test hammers Booker to start, but runs into an elbow and gets superkicked, for two. The faces work Test over, but Goldust gets caught in the heel corner. He comes back with a buttbutt on Regal and a clothesline, but Regal pounds him down and Test gets a few shots from the outside to make Goldust YOUR freak-in-peril. They pound away, and Regal takes him down with a judo throw and Test uses the Nash Choke. You know, it’s so much less impressive when Stacy is using that same move earlier in the show. Corner clothesline gets two. Regal kicks the crap out of him, and Test gets the Meltdown, but Goldust reverses to a neckbreaker, hot tag Booker. He destroys Test and sidekicks Regal for two. It’s BONZO GONZO and Regal takes the axe kick, but Booker stops to Spinarooni and gets nailed with the knuckles. The Hoss Connection storms in for the DQ at 5:54. This was just filler, but FOR THE LOVE OF GOD someone pull the trigger on WarGames to settle things. *

– Uncle Eric is back out, railing against the gay marriage because it’s just a ratings ploy. I love shoot comments that aren’t supposed to be shoot comments. So here come the Lesbians. You think they’ll get 3:00? Because that would make Bischoff a heel for sure. We get some bad acting to establish motivation, and Eric directs traffic as the lesbians strip. We get the first official lesbian kiss on RAW, and Eric reminds us that sex and violence sell, and by the way…the three minutes are up. So we in Canada get a commercial. No one should have been expecting them to actually pay this nonsense off with anything we haven’t seen before, but to stretch it out for 90 minutes and then do the tired Island Boyz bait-and-switch after embarrassingly bad and tacky “acting” is particularly annoying. Okay, the Island Boyz are bad people, we get it. And yet I guess Stephanie is going to be portrayed as a babyface for giving us a gay wedding? This is all really messed up. This was like they were trying to have their cake and eat it too – going as far as they could on cable TV before doing the Island Boyz non-finish.

– Fatal Four-Way: Chris Jericho v. Jeff Hardy v. Big Show v. Rob Van Dam. One of these things is not like the other, one of these things just doesn’t belong. Show tosses everyone around to start, as Jericho and Show are in CAHOOTS. But RVD and Hardy are also cahooting, until Jeff turns on Rob and covers Show for two after a double-dropkick. Swanton bomb on Show gets two. Jeff’s hanky: Black, which indicates he’s into S&M and being on the bottom. Ref gets bumped early and Jericho chairshots everyone in view, but Show grabs it and gets DQ’d at 2:40. LAAAAAAAME. Show chokeslams everyone before he goes. We take a break as Show protests. We return FOUR MINUTES later with Jericho missing a springboard dropkick on RVD, and getting hit with a hilo dive in response. Jeff baseball slides RVD and follows with the Railrunner onto both guys. Why did they even bother having Show in there? Back in, Jeff gets a double-jump moonsault for two. Corkscrew misses and Jericho goes up, but gets crotched by Rob. They double-suplex Jericho off the top, and hit a double springboard dropkick out of the corner, but Rob turns on Jeff again. Moonsault gets two. Jeff comes back with a floatover DDT for two. He goes up, but Jericho pushes him off and finishes with the Lionsault at 9:59. Rob spinkicks him for two. Jericho comes back with a release german onto Van Dam’s head that gets two. Jericho goes to a surfboard, but Rob fights out and Jericho posts himself as a result. Jericho pulls off the turnbuckle, but Rob monkey-flips him out of the corner and a standing moonsault gets two. Missed spinkick and Rolling Thunder, but Jericho reverses to a cradle for two. Jericho goes with the Canadian Violence, but walks into a dropkick and gets moonsaulted for two. Jericho comes back with the bulldog, but the Lionsault misses and Rob spinkicks him again. To the top, frog splash misses. Lionsault gets two for Jericho. Walls of Jericho are reversed for two. HHH comes out to observe and Jericho takes the opportunity to get a rollup for two. Rob slingshots him into the exposed turnbuckle (foreshadowing! Irony!) and the frog splash finishes at 15:43. Well, that was a bit of a foregone conclusion, but everything after the commercial break was pretty awesome. ***1/2 HHH is SHOCKED.

The Bottom Line: Bit of a weird show, with definite highs and lows and very little in between. Still, perversely entertaining is still entertaining, so we’ll give the car wreck portions the benefit of the doubt this week and call it a thumbs-up effort.

No more “Hot Lesbian Action”, though, please.