411’s NWA TNA Report 01.14.04

NWA: TNA WRESTLING — 1/14/04

— TNA Recapper Jack Daniels here in balmy Buffalo, where the game time temperature is a whopping zero degrees. I need a massive earthquake to shift the earth’s tectonic plates and move Buffalo about 20 degrees of latitude south, and I need it now.

— By the way, Canada is the greatest country on Earth, as confirmed by that treasure trove of information, Matt Faul. Apparently, according to the Canadian Supreme Court, the Canadian constitution protects physical contact between strippers and patrons during a lap dance, so long as the contact is agreed upon. Also, it protects men who choose to masturbate while a stripper performs for them in a private room. Canada has the level of personal freedom America _should_ have. Never mind that it’s legalized prostitution (actually, when you get right down to it, isn’t marriage legalized prostitution?) it’s the fact that two consenting people entering into a verbal contract cannot be harassed by the man that is great.

— SAMURAI CADAVER DOGS UPDATE: The Dogs are now undefeated at 11-0, meaning I’ve now gone more than half the season undefeated. No one in our league has ever run the table, but it looks like I’ve got a decent shot of doing just that. In this week’s game, I’m trouncing the mathematically impossible Four-for-Three, and if Jamal Mashburn or Matt Harpring ever get healthy, I can finally kiss the Ricky Davis Experience goodbye.

— As usual, I’ll pimp the Beelzebub and Azazel to my Lucifer, because they deserve the additional two readers I can send them.

— Seeing as I’m never able to watch the WWF, anyone know when the Royal Rumble is? Me and my buddies usually get together to watch the big four PPV’s, and I need to start planning so we can get his wife out of the way.

— RECAP OF WHERE WE ARE IN 2004 IN TNA…

— Christopher Daniels, Chris Sabin, Low Ki and Michael Shane had the most entertaining match I’ve ever seen. Ultimate X:2 was MUCH better than the original… and the original was pretty good. Sabin wins, the three losers face each other tonight for number one contender for the X-Title.

— As part of the whole X-Division angle, Elix Skipper is trying to put the band back together, because he’s on a mission from God.

— AJ Styles and Erik Watts are teaming up tonight to face Jeff Jarrett and Abyss. If Styles and Watts win, Styles gets another shot at the NWA World Title. If Jarrett and Abyss win, Watts is gone as the D.O.A. Goldilocks accepted the match for the faces, but she was acting heelish with Don Callis at the TNA Christmas Party, and may have been bought off. Now, a masked man interfered during a segment between Watts and Jarrett last week and started beating on Jarrett, so Watts may have an ace in the hole, too.

— Team Gilberti exploded last week, as David Young and Simon Diamond came to blows after Young cost Simon and Swinger the tag belts in last week’s match with the 3 Live Kru. This week, it’s Simon versus Young, with Gilberti the special ref, and the loser’s out of the group.

— The Redshirts and Abyss cheated to beat America’s Most Wanted and AJ Styles last week, using liberal amounts of belt-whipping. So this week, we’ve got a Rawhide Whipping Match between AMW and the Redshirts.

— Raven and the Sandman lost to the newly-heel turned Gathering last week as FATHER JAMES MITCHELL made his return to TNA. Singapore cane match between the two teams for this week’s show.

— Interestingly enough, TNA is still running a Hogan promo during the pregame show.

— Video package recap of Styles winning Mr. TNA 2003, the tag match is made, Watts arguing with Goldilocks over her making the match, Jarrett and Callis gloating over the match being made, then Jarrett demanding to know who the masked man is.

— Earlier today, Styles, Watts and Goldilocks arrive, and Jarrett talking to his lawyer. Kash needs to get the signatures, and Jarrett will finally announce his big news tonight.

— And we’re LIVE from the TNA Asylum in Nashville, TN and my three-room Antarctic Weather Station in Buffalo, NY. Why couldn’t my parents have fucked in Phoenix?

— New TNA open, with some flashy high spots. Pretty cool. Actually sounds like 3 Live Kru did it.

— Tenay runs down the card at the top of the show. And I have to give credit where it’s due, TNA has done a great job of improving their production lately. First match is Redshirts vs. AMW

— Masked man and Jarrett brawling in the parking lot, then into the building. Masked man is apparently called El Leon (The Lion). Redshirts try to save, but El Leon puts them both down. Heels get control and try to unmask him. The masked man avoid a Jarrett chairshot, and rolls out. Blackshirts trying to send Jarrett to the back, Jarrett and Tenay jaw with each other.

— Tag Team Rawhide Whipping Match: America’s Most Wanted vs. Redshirt Security: Brawling outside to start. Storm sends Legend into the rail. Northcutt gains control and rolls Harris into the ring. Legend rolls in, Harris eats a boot on an idiot charge but recovers with a backdrop. Harris goes for the whip, but Northcutt prevents it. Northcutt tagged in, then whips Harris. Harris reverses an Irish whip and hits an inverted atomic drop and a lariat. He goes for the whip again, but Legend stops him and Northcutt whips him again. Harris kicks Northcutt and gets the quick tag to Storm. Drop toe hold and stiff seated dropkick by Storm. Storm slips out of a Gorilla Press, but Legend gets tagged in and pounds him down, then whips him. Storm with a couple of reversals that end in a hurricanrana. Northcutt trips up Storm and Legend kicks him in the head. Northcutt tagged in, whip into the corner and a huge running clothesline. Northcutt with some whipping on Storm. Northcutt with a knee to Storm’s head, then twists his head. More strapping. AMW’s teeniebopper contingent in full force tonight. Storm choked with the strap in the corner. Legend tagged in and he stomps a mudhole then tags Northcutt back in, then drop toe holds Storm onto Northcutt’s knee. Redshirts go for the spike piledriver, but Storm catapults Northcutt into Legend! Double spear to the Redshirts, tag to Harris and (cue NBA Jam audio) HE’S ON FIRE! Full nelson slam and some whipping for Legend, flying lariat and whipping for Northcutt, clothesline with the belt for Legend, Thesz press and pounding for Northcutt, then Harris rips the shirt off and whips Northcutt. AMW puts the strap around Legend’s neck and snaps him to the mat. Northcutt unties a strap, but Harris spears him for 2 1/2. Harris with a sharpshooter, and Storm whips Northcutt while in the sharpshooter! Legend breaks up the sharpshooter and gets 2. Harris’ throat draped around the top rope. Legend with a rolling cradle, but Storm sneaks in with a superkick for 3! WINNERS: America’s Most Wanted. But the Redshirts lynch Harris post-match, and go for the spike piledriver again, but Harris miraculously recovers to make the save.

— Ultimate X:2 recap package. Low Ki’s Dragon Clutch on Daniels up in the cables was awesome. That was just a hell of a match.

— Hudson in the back with the New Franchise. Michael Shane says the mark of a champion is how he responds to lose the title. Douglas spinning the whole NWA conspiracy theory thing. Douglas facing Elix Skipper tonight, and he’s going to get his ass franchised.

— X-Division Triple Threat match: Low Ki vs. Christopher Daniels vs. Michael Shane: Daniels and Low Ki jawing right off the bat. Shane’s elbow taped up from injuries in Ultimate X. Daniels and Low Ki taking no notice of Shane at all. Ki and Daniels brawling in the middle, and Shane just sits in the corner, only coming in when he’s got an advantage. Low Ki pounds on Shane as he tries to interject and goes for a quick Ki Krusher, but Shane backs him into a corner on top of Daniels. Daniels with a leg lariat on Shane. Ki and Daniels brawl, allowing Shane to gain control. Shane tosses Daniels and gets an elbow on Low Ki for 1. Shane with a snap suplex for 2. Ki with a STIFF chop, Shane reverses an irish whip and tosses Low Ki onto Daniels outside. Chris Sabin watching the match from the balcony. Shane drops Daniels on the guardrail, then rolls Low Ki into the ring for 2. Daniels back in, and Pearl Harbors Shane. Shane floats over on a bodyslam attempt, runs Daniels into Low Ki, and rolls him up for 2. Chop by Shane, then a boot choke in the corner. Low Ki tries to get back into the ring, but Shane cuts him off. Daniels with an elbow to Shane, Shane with a knee and a flying forearm for 2. Shane chokes Daniels then bootscrapes his face, but Low Ki kicks him on the back from the apron. Doomsday Device style move, with Low Ki hitting a springboard kick on Shane. Low Ki chops the hell out of Shane, then Daniels and Low Ki team up on Shane, with Low Ki hitting two vicious kicks, but Shane ducks the third, and Low Ki catches Daniels full in the face with it. Shane whips Ki into Daniels, but Ki hits his stepover enzuigiri. Daniels chops Ki, but Ki hits a rolling kick on Daniels. Shane with a face rake on Ki. Ki stops mid-Irish whip and kicks Shane’s injured elbow, then rolls through his stepover enzuigiri and tries a crossarmbreaker, but he can’t cinch it and Daniels breaks it up. Tilt-a-whirl backbreaker and STO by Daniels smoothly moved into a regal stretch, but Shane flies off the top and breaks it up. Shane with a 2 count after a suplex on Low Ki, but Daniels breaks it up. Shane backdrops out of the Angel’s Wings, but he eats an elbow on an idiot charge. Daniels goes for a top rope Angel’s Wings, we get some pinfall reversals, then the Angel’s Wings on Shane, but Low Ki breaks the pin, then goes for one of his own. Low Ki with a Dragon Clutch on Daniels. Low Ki and Daniels fighting on the top rope, Shane pushes Daniels off the top and into the guardrail, Ki with a Dragon Clutch on Shane, but Shane drops and rams Ki’s head into the turnbuckle. Ki stops Sweet Shane Music with a Koppo Kick, then hits the Tidal Krush. Ki goes for the Ki Krusher, but Shane Douglas interferes and Sweet Shane Music gets the three count. WINNER: Michael Shane.

— Scott Hudson in the back with Antonio Pena from AAA. TNA has reached a promotional agreement with AAA. Half this interview is in Spanish, and me no habla. America’s X Cup on February 11. Four best wrestlers from AAA and the four best X-Division wrestlers go against each other. AAA has that weird six sided ring.

— Internal Problems Match: David Young vs. Simon Diamond, Glenn Gilberti special referee: Cage dancers are decent tonight. Gilberti on the stick… he wants to reiterate that just because he’s wearing the ref shirt, doesn’t mean he’s an idiot. Loser’s out of the group. Simon refuses a handshake from David Young twice, then Young slaps him in the face. Simon pounding on Young, Gilberti pulls him off, more pounding, then a Russian Leg Sweep for two. Diamond tosses Young and follows him out, whipping him into the rail. Gilberti actually putting a count on, demanding Diamond bring it in the ring. Diamond rams Young into the rail again, then rolls him in. No Swinger tonight? Hmm. Young floats over an Irish whip, go-behinds exchanged, and Young goes low. Gilberti gets in Young’s face about it. Young with some forearms and a kick to put Diamond down. Powerful irish whip into the corner, and Diamond goes down again. Diamond fights back with some right hands, but Young puts an end to that with a huge lariat. Young pounding on Diamond on the mat, but Gilberti pulls him off. Simon with a roll up for 2, but the kick out sends Diamond out of the ring. Young whips Diamond into the ring back first and rolls him back in. Young picks up a steel chair, but Gilberti stops the chairshot. Big right hands from Young stagger Diamond, then a running forearm puts Diamond down. “Let’s go Simon” chant. Young goes for a moonsault, but misses and Simon gets 2. Superkick by Simon, both men down. Simon up first, goes for the Simon Series, but Young blocks and reverses after two, and goes up top again, but Diamond crotches him. Superhurricanrana by Diamond, but Gilberti stuns him! Gilberti rolls Young onto Diamond for the three count! WINNER: David Young. Heel beatdown on Simon, but Swinger makes the save! Simon and Swinger try to get Young in the Problem Solver, but Gilberti pulls Young out before they can.

— Hudson trying to get an interview with Jarrett. Jarrett sends Callis to find out who the masked man is, then sends Kash to get Chris Vaughn’s signature.

— Singles match: Shane Douglas w/Traci Withaneye vs. Elix Skipper: Mmmm….. lollipops. Traci looking extra hot tonight. That’s championship cleavage right there. Douglas demanding the ref check Skipper and Pearl Harbors him… and I’ve got an important phone call. Hold on. Long story short, Traci interferes, Low Ki interferes, Michael Shane interferes. Triple X Reunites? Nope, Low Ki isn’t having it.

— Hudson in the back with AJ Styles. I’ve still got it on mute.

— Singles match: Kid Kash vs. Chris Vaughn: Sorry, folks. That was setting up a job interview. Long story short, once again, Kash tries to get the fat timekeeper to sign, Vaughn makes the save, then Kash kicks the shit out of him. We need less cutaways of the timekeeper. Kash slapping Vaughn around like a little bitch at this point, but Vaughn fights back but eats a boot on an idiot charge. Kash with a dropkick to the knee for 2. Kash with a stun gun, then beats on Vaughn. LESS CUTAWAY SHOT OF FATASS! Kash rubbing Vaughn’s face into the canvas. “Go Chris Go” chant. Kash just pounding on Vaughn at his leisure. Vaughn is busted open. Vaughn ducks a clothesline and hits a weak one of his own. Vaughn with a elbow smash, then a neckbreaker, then a springboard twisting splash for two. Vaughn eats turnbuckle on an idiot charge. Vaughn crotches Kash on the top rope, but Kash goes low, then body slams Vaughn from the top. Money maker (and a vicious-looking one) gets the three. WINNER: Kid Kash. Kash signs Vaughn’s name in blood on the sheet.. and Tiny the Timekeeper makes the save. Think a hairy Mark Madden. Tiny gets a spear, but Kash recovers, and here comes Heavy D, and that brings out the Redshirts, and that brings out AMW. And apparently, the Nashville Predators weren’t available, because that ends the run-ins.

— Recap of James Mitchell choking out Raven last week. Classic creepy Mitchell promo.

— Hudson in the back with Raven… but it’s not Raven, it’s Mitchell. Mitchell says Sandman has the chance to back out, and CM Punk says Sandman and the Gathering share one mistake — following Raven.

— Tag team Singapore Cane match: The Gathering vs. Sandman and Raven?: Sandman blading off the beer can again. Sandman pours some out for the fans. Long drawn out entrance, even more so than usual. Dinero mocking the Sandman’s drunken ways in the ring. Sandman does the Raven pose… and we get Raven’s music, but no Raven. The Gathering attack the Sandman, but Sandman controlling both members of the Gathering. Sandman launches Dinero into Punk. Sandman tosses both Punk and Dinero and whips them both into the rail, then hits a springboard leg lariat off a chair onto both of them. Back in the ring, Sandman with a superhurricanrana on Punk, but Dinero hits a flying clothesline. Julio going for the cane, but Sandman pushes him off the top rope and onto the guardrail outside. Punk with a Shining Wizard (!) then lays Sandman’s head on the first turnbuckle, hits another Wizard but misses a third. Sandman goes for the cane, but Julio gets him with a running powerbomb. Both heels pounding on Sandman, but he fights back with left hands. Sandman does the Raven pose again, but Julio takes him down, then a Demolition Decapitation on Sandman. The Gathering get the kendo sticks, and they hit Sandman about 8 times, but Sandman gets a surprise White Russian Legsweep on Punk, then one on Julio, then he starts pounding away with the sticks! Sandman with a two count on Julio, but Mitchell distracts him, and a double superkick gets three. WINNERS: The Gathering. Postmatch heel beatdown.

— Scott Hudson in the back with Erik Watts and Goldilocks. Erik wants to leave Goldilocks in the back. Goldy not having any of that, and thinks Watts is trying to break up with her. What the hell is this crap?

— Cut to West and Tenay. West wearing silver, for those interested in Las Vegas. Sandman still in the ring. “Raven, Where the hell are you?” Sandman bringing in the hardest chair swinging sonuvagun… New Jack??? No? BALLS MAHONEY??? WTF? NO!! NEW JACK!!! Next week, Gilberti and Young vs. Simon and Swinger, AMW vs. Redshirts to see who faces the 3 Live Kru. And we cut to Callis, and we get the big news.

— And Johnny Fairplay is coming to TNA? THAT’S THE BIG FUCKING NEWS???? I’m sorry, but Scott Keith is right. Wrestling surprises fucking SUCK. And who the fuck is Johnny Fairplay, anyway?

— Hudson in the back with Jarrett and Abyss. There won’t be room in TNA for AJ and Watts after tonight.

— Main event tag team match: Erik Watts and AJ Styles vs. Jeff Jarrett and Abyss: Analysis from Tenay — Watts has the most to lose, AJ has the most to gain. Again, Watts is out of a job if his team loses, AJ gets a title shot if Jarrett’s team loses. Styles and Watts jump the heels before they reach the ring. Abyss runs Styles into the rail, Watts goes for a quick chokeslam, but Jarrett gets out of it. Watts with a big boot, then clotheslines Jarrett out. Abyss and Styles in the ring, Styles with a hurricanrana. Watts alley oops Styles into a hurricanrana attempt on Abyss, Abyss gets out of it but Styles hits a DDT for 2. Styles and Jarrett in the ring now, Jarrett struts, Styles gets a leg lariat for two. Tag to Watts. Arm wringer by Watts, then a tag to Styles again, and they keep working the arm. Shoulderblock and arm drag by AJ, then an armbar. Jarrett with a punch and a tag to Abyss. Styles goes for a headscissors, but Abyss dumps him on the ropes. Gorilla Press flapjack by Abyss. Tag to Jarrett, and he nails Styles in the ribs. Dropkick by Jarrett, and he plays to the crowd, then baits Watts. Styles with a go behind, but Jarrett reverses to a sleeper. AJ fights out with the elbow smash, but Jarrett slams his head into the mat and tags in Abyss. Big open hand slap by Abyss. Abyss crotches himself on an idiot charge. Abyss cuts off the tag, but AJ goes low and then hits a flipping enzuigiri. Both men down. Abyss tag Jarrett, and tag to Erik Watts, and HE’S ON FIRE! Big boot for Abyss, Chokeslam for Jarrett but Abyss breaks up the pin. Stiff dropkick by AJ on Abyss send the big man to the floor, then the no-hands senton plancha on Abyss. Watts takes out the ref, and Jarrett knocks him out with the title belt, and gets the three count. WINNERS: Jeff Jarrett and Abyss. But Tenay bitches and a TNA official comes out and we get a Dusty Finish! The match is restarted! Jarrett tries to take out Tenay, but El Leon takes out Jarrett! Chokeslam on Abyss, big splash by Styles for two! Abyss clotheslines Watts out, then AJ takes out Abyss… and Goldilocks comes out… and goes low on Abyss!!!! Sunset flip by AJ for the win! WINNERS: AJ Styles and Erik Watts. Callis hits the ring incensed, and threatens to quit TNA forever if the decision is not reversed. Then Watts threatens to quit if the decision is overturned. And Jarrett puts over this Johnny Fairplay nobody as if it’s something important, so I hit mute and as far as I’m concerned, that’s the end of the show.

— Johnny Fairplay? Who the fuck is Johnny Fairplay? Why the fuck do I care? I guess he’s on Survivor or something, but I avoid watching Survivor as if it was the Ebola virus. I watched the show once and hated it, and I have no interest in watching some jackass from that show on something I pay for.

— As far as the rest of the show, I liked it, but this guy being the big news they built up for two months smells like one huge rotten egg… surrounded by a compost heap. Bleah.