The FINAL Small-For-All News Report: 11.09.10

Cactus Jack vs. Triple H – No Way Out 2000

Ah, the final news report. I have envisioned this day for a couple of years yet sadly never envisioned what I wanted to write about. I always had ideas of ending with a trainwreck of a column but honestly, who wants to get sentimental. It only ends up drivel. So with that on the backburner, I figured there would be no better way to begin my final report than with other people’s words and thoughts.

After last week’s news report was posted, I asked my fellow 411 columnists if there was anything they would like to say to me before I left. The following are their real responses:

Larry Csonka – 411 Bossman, Ex-Writer of My Take On, Your News, My Views, the Impact Report, a bunch of stuff in the MMA section, and Hidden Highlights (under the alias of JP Prag)

Dear Small,

I never liked you anyway.

Larry

PS: Slimmer > Small.

Such sweet words from the bossman. This thankfully explains how Slimmer is still on the 411 Payroll with less annual contribution than JTG.

Aaron Hubbard – I made fun of this kid once.

I thoroughly expect this column to consist almost entirely of Great Khali pictures.

Good luck Small, sad to see you go. Best of luck in…you know the rest.

Sorry Hubbard, but the Khali pictures went out of style along with brawling in the stands. As for my “future endeavors”, I really hope that I’d be included in the 411 Alumni section. I’d even donate $25 a year for football season tickets!

Ari Berenstein – ROHbot or something

Small is good. Bigger is better.

Funny story – in high school, I used the slogan “Vote Small, Get Big” while running for Student Council VP. I lost the race but man, did it make a nice t-shirt.

Which reminds me that my Small-For-All Thongs are only $8.79 on CafePress.com! C’mon ladies, order some thongs for your mourning man.

Mat Sforncia – a man who’s name I can still never spell. But he did cover for me a few times. And those were good days.

Meh.

Greg DeMarco – The Wrestling 5&1 News Reporter

You’re the reason I came to 411Mania to begin with. Now what will I do!

We’ll miss you small guy.

Aw, if you are smart, you’d find your own loveable giant to worship. Either that or stay off the drugs, man.

Steve Cook – Wednesday News Reporter, alcoholic, and my mentor

We are gathered here today to honor the memory of Jeffrey Winston Small. Death is a part of life, and-

*Csonka walks up and whispers in Cook’s ear*

Wait, what? He’s not dead? He’s retiring? BWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Yeah right, and I’m the Queen of England! Nobody ever retires from 411, they just fade away to more obscure websites and eventually into oblivion. I don’t buy this any more than I bought into the whole “Daniel Bryan getting fired” thing.

For a good percentage of my run here Jeff Small was the guy who followed in my footsteps. When I switched from Sunday news reporting to Thursdays, he took over Sundays. When I had to take time off from 411 for a brief, failed stint in rehab, he took over Thursdays. By the time I came out of my bourbon-induced coma, The Small-For-All had taken over Tuesdays. Truth be told, that was part of why the rehab ultimately didn’t take.

But hey, no matter what the rest of us want to say about him, Jeff had a good run. He had a legion of Smallophiles that nearly revolted any time that he needed me to mind the store for him. He had a pretty good format that I liberally ripped off whenever I felt it was necessary. He had the love of the Great Khali. I picture Khali smiling while Runjin Singh reads the Small-For-All to him every week. Hopefully Mr. Khali will find himself a new favorite Internet wrestling writer. He was able to find news that was often news to me, mostly because I was too cheap to subscribe to the Observer. He was smart enough to get into the whole Jersey Shore scene, since that’s apparently all people talk about anymore. And, every once in awhile, he had a really good Randle joke that I’d wish that I’d thought of myself. That might be the greatest loss of all here.

I, for one, will miss having Jeff around on Tuesdays. I just wonder one thing…just who is going to be crazy enough to try and follow in this guy’s footsteps? I sure feel sorry for that poor son of a gun.

The king is dead. Long live the king.

Sniff, everything Cook said above is true. Of course, he did not mention how his buddy Penguin was originally offered the Thursday slot over me but lost out on it for reasons I still do not know. Oh, 411 Politics, how I shall miss thee?

As for my replacement, stay tuned next week for the debut of Essa Rios’s Magical Mystery Pizza Parlor! But that’s just my guess. I really have no idea who the fuck is my replacement.

JP Prag – Businessman, Friend, Jew

Wow, after five years Jeff Small is actually retiring. Well, since he took every other week off, it’s more like two and half years. And of those two and half years, I’d only say he actually tried writing his articles like a third of the time. So now we’re down to like ten months. You know what, though? Even when Jeff was trying 75% of his articles were pretty much nothing but references nobody got, gossip that nobody cared about, or just talking to himself, so that’s more like two and half months. In those two and half months, he also had Slimmer or someone else take up space 3/8th of the time, which would really only mean six weeks of work. Of course, we have to be honest and say that most of those six weeks weren’t really that good anyway, so he did one week of great stuff. And yes, that week is this week because he’s finally leaving!

Geez, Small, I’ve been at this a half year longer than you and you know how much time I’ve taken off? That’s right: one week! Plus there were plenty of times I was writing two articles at once. Thankfully it is just The Hamilton Ave Journal right now, but if anyone was going to announce a retirement this week you’d think it would be me…

Ahem… anyway… you owe me $86 for the Royal Rumble. I’ll talk to you in a couple of days. Later buddy!

JP is not entirely accurate here – I have actually been on a pretty hot streak this past year with completing my news report obligations. Plus, there have probably been at least five to ten good editions of the news report.

Slimmer – Enemy, Chris Benoit Lover, Heat Reporter

Who the fuck is Jeff Small?

Wait for it…

Wait for it…

Yes, yes…

Allow me to reintroduce myself…

My name is Small
Though some call me Jeff-E
I used to write news reports and say…
WHAMMY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Welcome back to my fifth anniversary and the FINAL Small-For-All News Report. In today’s edition, we speak on the latest Rock vs. Cena battle, spoil future storylines, discuss the commitment to the PG programming rating, and wonder what life would be like without Vince McMahon. All this plus tons of goodbyes.

NEWS FROM TITAN TOWERS

I Can Be Your Superman

From The Examiner, “The Superman movie franchise is being rebooted in 2012 and casting is already underway for the lead roles of Superman and his mild-mannered alter ego, Clark Kent. According to a few entertainment industry publications, both John Cena and Dwayne ‘The Rock” Johnson are being considered for the lead role in Superman: Man Of Steel.IMDB.com reports that the film is being executive produced by Christopher Nolan (“The Dark Knight”) and will be directed by Zach Snyder.”

You wonder if the Rock wins out on this part (as he should), will Cena continue to badmouth him? I would hope so as it would make an interesting storyline should the Rock return for WrestleMania 30. While Cena might be the more traditional Superman, the Rock is a much better actor and should take this role. That said, Cena has a pusher’s chance if the script calls for his girlfriend to be kidnapped by the main villain. Because Cena has a ton more experience dealing with that scenario.

Let’s Spoil the Future

From the Observer, “People in both WWE and UFC feel that a Brock Lesnar role at WrestleMania 27 won’t happen because of Lesnar’s contract with UFC. However, even as recent as of a few days ago, there were people in WWE still working on putting something together. WWE has been tossing around potential ideas and trying to see if there’s a way Lesnar could be involved contractually without UFC President Dana White having to approve it. They are also trying to figure out a way for White to approve a deal.

Regarding the confrontation at UFC 121, the belief is that WWE itself did not directly contact Brock Lesnar or his camp, but someone very close to Vince McMahon did. It’s believed that there was no direct approach from Vince McMahon because that could lead to contract tampering.

One WWE source felt that Lesnar could get between $2 million and $3 million from WWE for a WrestleMania appearance. ”

Brock Lesnar is absolutely worth the money for a main event match. As much as I liked WrestleMania 26, it lacked the star power that Mania 23 (Trump), Mania 24 (Mayweather), and Mania 25 (Rourke, Kid Rock) had. And since all three shows had much better buyrates than 26, it is apparent that the WWE needs an outside superstar to capture additional buys for their Granddaddy of Them All. Lesnar would be that person. That’s why he’s worth it.

As for his rumored opponent, “there was talk that Taker may continue to wrestle lightly for the next few months, wrestle at WrestleMania 27 and then take the time off but that has changed. Until the surgery is over, there is no solid time table for his return. The feeling right now within WWE is that they expect him to work WrestleMania if he can but they recognize the possibility that he won’t be recovered enough.”

Major bummer if Taker cannot work Mania. One must assume that if there is no Lesnar match, a potential match against Cena or Barrett would be on the cards. And while Taker’s streak might not bring in the extra buys, it is one of the more compelling storylines for the WWE to use. Against the right opponent and Taker’s match is instantly seen as “must-see.” Here’s hoping the Deadman is back and ready to go for Mania.

But that’s not all. Here are a few other potential upcoming storylines from the Observer.

People in the WWE are hoping that Nexus will win all of the championships. Barrett would be the World Heavyweight Champion while David Otunga would win the US Championship.

I wasn’t the biggest fan when the WWE did this six years ago with Evolution but it is an easy way to show dominance.

Rumor has it that Randy Orton is the odds on favorite to win the Royal Rumble.

If this doesn’t scream “Bet on Barrett” at Survivor Series, I do not know what other signals you need.

With CM Punk’s injury, his feud with Daniel Bryan is off. Expect William Regal to be inserted into a feud with Bryan.

No complaints here. Bryan and Regal would easily have good matches, if given time, and Bryan could use a few more good wins before losing the belt to Otunga.

PG is Here to Stay

From Figure 4, “WWE has no plans on doing away with PG programming because Linda lost. The PG changes were originally made mainly because of WWE’s relationship with Mattel. WWE is very happy with Mattel and nobody expects officials to do away with PG content.”

For those awaiting the return of the Attitude Era, you will be waiting for a long time. While certain aspects of PG programming are sadly missing (no blood, no thongs, no simulated sex acts with trannys), there is a lot to like about the PG direction. Like, um, well, um, I guess, hmm… when I have kids, I guess they can watch at a younger age. And really, when these kids get older, then you can push the envelope again.

In all seriousness, we like to blame many things on the PG rating when in fact we should be complaining about the product being not so good. It has nothing to do with the rating – back in 2002, when the WWE was still TV-14, the writing was terrible and the product suffered. If the WWE puts on quality programming (like they tend to do for six weeks before WrestleMania), then no one would complain about the rating.

Speaking of the product suffering…

Can We Clone Vince?

From the Torch, “WWE’s creative department has not been getting much face time with Vince McMahon in recent weeks due to Linda McMahon’s U.S. Senate campaign. A number of people within the organization feel Vince has become obsessed with his wife’s political race, resulting in the television product suffering.”

What’s going to happen when Vince croaks? Seriously, am I the only one concerned with the future of the WWE after Vince ruptures an artery trying to get it on with a twenty year old Diva? It’s going to happen. And when it does, who will take over the reigns of WWE Creative? Stephanie will get all the chances in the world but if everyone feels the product is suffering now, what’s going to happen when she’s on her own? Is Triple H the answer? Will certain IWC websites continue to write articles begging Paul Heyman to come back? Probably, but it still makes you wonder about the longevity of the WWE without VKM.

THINGS I HAVE OUTLASTED

Off the top of my head… Snitsky, Heidenreich, SARS, Mohammed Hassan, Mike Adamle, The New ECW, Braden Walker, Deuce & Domino, Teacher’s Pets, Charlie Sheen being sober, Family Guy being funny, Antoine Dodson finding his sister’s rapist, Creed, Mickie James, ManBearPig, A Real Shot at Love with Tila Tequila, The Return of DX, The Boogeyman, Candice Michelle being skinny, Wizards of Waverly Place, Soulja Boy, Global Warming, Carlito, and, how could I forget, Luther Reigns.

Sure there were plenty of things I am missing (Sylvan, Simon Dean, and The Jay Leno Show) but those things are better left unsaid. Speaking of things left unsaid…

NEWS FROM O-TOWN

Yeah, like I really want to talk about TNA in my final news report. Carrying on…

THE SMALL-FOR-ALL WOULD NOT BE POSSIBLE WITHOUT…

Ashish, Larry Csonka and the entire 411 Staff (Cook, Randle, Prag, Meehan, JT, Slimmer, Sforcina, and everyone else)!

My Smallophiles.

And the following –

FIVE QUESTIONS WITH YOUR FAVORITE AUTHOR

1. Why the sudden retirement?

It’s definitely not a sudden retirement. I recall having the retirement conversation with JP on the ride home from our TNAtastic weekend a couple years ago. I told him that my plans were to retire on my fifth anniversary (which was over the weekend). I figured that after five years of writing, I would have nothing more to talk about. And it’s true.

For as much shit as we give WWE Creative, I definitely see how difficult it can be coming up with great (okay mediocre) ideas weekly. Throughout my five years, I used segments including PPV Simulations, Swayze Malebag, Khali-For-All, the Small-For-All African American Hall of Fame, Wrestlemania Bracketology, Slimmer Watch, Slimmer as My Slave, The Whammy Awards, and others to liven up my news report. As much fun as they were, all of them had expiration dates. Some lasted for years (The AA Hall of Fame was funny inducting Caucasians befor two years the joke ran dry) while others were probably only funny to me (mainly, the shit I did with Slimmer). But after five years of them and five years of reporting on similar wrestling stories (death, releases, crazy wrestlers), it’s time to for me to move on and let someone else with their own wacky ideas take over.

2. Did you ever really love Khali?

Of course, I loved Khali as much as any man could love a seven foot tall, three hundred pound, Punjabi Playboy. He did make great fodder for two and a half years too.

3. What was the deal with the Hyatte mentions? Are you Hyatte?

If memory serves me correctly, I made a comment well before I started doing the Swayze Malebag that I hated when ex-writers Hyatte and Eric S used to spend half of their column answering emails. About a few months later (after I started being a hypocrite and doing a malebag myself), I did a “back in the day” news report where I called myself Hyatte. At that time, the comment section was added to 411 and there were a few mentions about Hyatte. I decided to run with it and use his name from time to time to piss off certain commenters.

Well little did I know that these comments were being posted on Hyatte’s blog in an effort to piss Hyatte off so he would arise from the ashes and bury me. Because back in the day, he used to do a very good job flaming people. I had no idea this was happening until a commenter mentioned it to me. So I took a look a Hyatte’s blog and found out the above. Hyatte really was not interested in beefing with me and I decided just to keep running with it for fun.

Truth is, I am not a Hyatte alter-ego. Hell, I used to read him back in the day and was a fan of his until his awful 23 part “Chris Benoit will never be champion unless Scott Keith sucked Vince’s dick or something” novella that he wrote. Then he left 411 and I had no interest in his writing until that “beef” began two years ago. Such is life. And no, do not expect a blog from me in the near future.

4. What about the Small and Slimmer feud?

Oh boy, this is going to be fun. Five years ago, I applied to 411Mania to be the website’s Heat reporter. I wrote the first installment of “The Final Fantasy Heat Report” which capitalized on the WWE Fantasy Wrestling game. When I received confirmation from Larry that I would become a member of the 411 Family, I was ecstatic. Until I saw a week later that there was another Heat reporter. Seriously, two fucking Heat reporters on the website? Are there really that many people who actually watch or care about reading about Online Heat? I could understand why Larry hired us both – Slimmer wrote a straightforward recap column while mine was a change of pace. But man, it did bother me that I was not the only Heat reporter (what can I say – I am a glory hog).

Five weeks into my Heat career, I took a small potshot at Slimmer’s column by saying mine was everyone’s favorite. Slimmer responded back saying that his was longer or something stupid like that. I responded back with another really stupid comment – calling him the Matt Leinart to my Reggie Bush – which had him send me an email. But not an email with vile – one with a master strategy to feud for the sake of having something else to talk about other than Heat. So yes, the entire Small vs. Slimmer feud was kayfabe. From the epic zero for six Fact or Fictions to Slimmer sabotaging my news report while I went on Spring Break, it was all planned. Even the poll where I had readers vote over whose better was nothing more than an idea that Slimmer and I had. After our initial feuding, we then partnered up against Larry (which got us nowhere) and then periodically were part of some of the dumbest things in 411 History – Small and Slimmer watch Bad WrestleMania matches, Slimmer Writes For Small, and the never aired Small and Slimmer Watch Curling on Youtube. No matter what we spoke about, one thing is certain, when Small and Slimmer get together, it’s usually an abortion.

Of course, a day after writing the above, I received this email from Slimmer. Enjoy kids for it is the most Slimmer has written in years.

Last Thoughts on Jeff Small
Posted by Scott Slimmer on 11.09.10

I was going to try to take the high road. I was going to try to be the bigger man, which isn’t really a challenge against Jeff Small. And so when Small asked for contributions to this final edition of the Tuesday Small-For-All News Report, I merely replied with one simple question. “Who the fuck is Jeff Small?” It was terse, pithy, and yet revealingly indicative of the questions our readers must have been asking each and every week for the last five years. And with that I was going to let Small ride off into the sunset, hopefully never to darken another of my days.

But you know what, Small? You and I have never been about taking the high road. Neither one of us will ever be the bigger man. And so there’s no way in hell that I’m going to let you take your ball and go home without one last heartfelt “fuck you.” The epic clusterfuck known as Slimmer vs. Small began five years ago when Csonka hired both of us to write WWE Heat Reports. We each assumed that Csonka had only hired one new Heat Reporter, and we were each surprised when two Heat Reports were posted that weekend. Why the hell would any site need two damned Heat Reporters? It was like the first of many bitch-slaps from Csonka straight to us both, a subtle hint that the boss didn’t believe either one of us was talented enough or reliable enough to do the job alone. But even though you were hurt by Csonka’s lack of confidence in you, you were even more shocked to see my name on the other byline, weren’t you Small? I know I sure as hell wasn’t ready to see your name again so soon.

But that was five long years ago. Since then, I have had the time of my life writing for this website. I consider it an honor to work for this site, and I am extremely proud of the columns and reports that I’ve contributed over the past five years. My colleagues have included some of the most talented and dedicated journalists I’ve ever had the pleasure of knowing, and I can say without hesitation that they have made me a better writer and a better man. But when I think back to all of the good times I’ve had here, I realize that you weren’t a part of any of them, Small. Every time our paths crossed, all you did was drag me down to your level of sophomoric idiocy. You convinced me to cross the boss, damn near got me fired, used me as cannon fodder whenever you got sick of your own column, and humiliated me at every opportunity. And let’s not forget the fact that with one single column, you and I most likely did irreparable damage to the American opinion of Puro. I still feel bad about that one.

Today marks the end of Slimmer vs. Small. But that’s not really true, is it Small? You and I know that this can never really end, because you and I know that it began long before either one of us ever thought about writing a Heat Report. You and I are the only two men that know what this is really about. It’s about the fact that she made the wrong choice. I know it, and more importantly, you know it. She may have never blamed you, but I can never forgive you. But you don’t need my forgiveness, do you Small? It wouldn’t mean a damn thing to you, would it? Because what good would my forgiveness do when we both know that you can’t forgive yourself?

And so the only problem I have left is that I don’t know who I am without you, Small. I have defined myself as your foil for so long that I can’t even remember who I was before this all started. When you told me that this would be your final column, there was a fleeting moment when I considered trying to change your mind. There was a moment when I truly didn’t know if there could be a Slimmer without a Small. But then I realized that if you should stay, you would only be in my way. So I’ll let you go, because I know, that you’ll think of me each step of the way. Bittersweet memories, that’s all you have, and all you’re taking from me. So goodbye, please don’t try, because we both know you’re not what I need. And I hope life doesn’t treat you kind, and I hope that you never find a single damned thing you’ve ever dreamed of. I do wish you pain, and I wish you sadness, but above all this, I wish you would finally just leave me the hell alone. Because I will always hate you, Small. I will always hate you.

Yes, it’s still real to Slimmer.

DID YOU KNOW – Slimmer told me once that I can be the Godfather to his first born child. I am hoping it will be a female so I can have her take a ride on the HOOOOOO TRAIN. Pimpin’ ain’t easy, bitches.

DAMN.

5. So what’s next for Small?

I must admit that it will be weird next week when I can watch Raw without typing on a laptop. Hell, I can now watch Monday Night Football from time to time!

Even though I won’t be writing anymore, I still see myself staying a WWE fan. Most Monday nights I will still watch Raw. And I will still read about Impact and Smackdown on 411Mania. None of this will change.

In January, I will be attending the Royal Rumble (thanks JP!) and if everything goes as planned on Saturday, I will also attend WrestleMania 27 (my fifth straight Mania). I do have a retirement date for attending Mania which is WrestleMania 30 at Madison Square Garden. Being a Jersey kid, it only makes sense to end my Mania streak at the greatest arena in the world. And one day, if I ever have kids, I sure hope that he or she is a wrestling fan.

But in the meantime, I am about to go golfing. I might even have me a cappuccino, fuck it! I’m going somewhere nice where no mosquitoes at!

ONE FINAL GOODBYE

We end the Final Small-For-All News Report with the only thing I was ever censored from using during my five year run (it would have been used to end a Year In Review edition). Actually, Larry told me if I really wanted to use it, I could, but it would not be recommended. Since I wanted to keep my kneecaps, I chose not to use it. But now, it doesn’t really matter so here goes:

Yeah, that might have gotten me fired a few years ago. So I am glad I did not use it or else, I could have not have finished out my five year run. It’s been a great ride, Smallophiles. Hope you enjoyed it too. Until we meet again…

For the Small-For-All News Report, I’m Jeff Small… and you’re not!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!