The Seventh Dimension 05.23.08: Phil Taylor, John Terry, and Other Things That Will Not Be Discussed In This Column

Well, here comes the news that some of you have been waiting for. Unless something drastic takes place in the next few weeks that I simply must write about, this will be the last Seventh Dimension for a while. My love for wrestling is waning somewhat, as has proved evident by my very weak articles the last two weeks. Suspending my duties until (at earliest) the 21st of August should hopefully give me a chance to recharge my batteries. Absence makes the heart grow fonder, after all. Unless it’s the absence of blood, of course.

But never fear, my motives are positive. I’ve started a course that will, by the end of it, have given me greater work and community experience, which should hopefully improve my chances of landing a job afterwards. So it’s worth doing, plus there’s a week away at the New Forest (I think it’s there, anyway…though it might be Leominster, which wouldn’t have quite the same sheen), and I haven’t been outside of Brighton for an extended period of time since 2003. This is all my ambitions rolled into one, which doesn’t speak too highly of me quite frankly.

Anyway, on with the show – the series finale, if you will.

DQ: Direct Query

Has anyone else ever wondered why the “titles don’t change hands on a disqualification” rule is in place? The answer in terms of wrestling as a product is obvious, of course – that being, a means of which to decide a champion without harming his or her opponent, and to extent angles and storylines due to the anxiety that fans will feel for not having a decisive and satisfying outcome. But in terms of wrestling as a show, it doesn’t make any sense.

Why on earth would you REWARD somebody for cheating? Surely there’s more shame for somebody who loses because he was a chicken and couldn’t handle a defeat than someone who is pinned by the better man. The title situation should reflect as much. In any real sport, the champion would be stripped and banned from even competing for it again for at least a few months if he were to slap the referee or kick his opponent in the knackers.

It just doesn’t make any sense. If the champion was in charge and just got carried away (e.g. had his opponent against the ropes and didn’t break the 5-count), then I can understand the reluctance to punish him as he was clearly the correct winner anyway. But in the case of someone using a chair out of desperation? It really ruffles my pubes.

Even from a smarkish standpoint, I don’t see the necessity in this outdated anti-climax. I’ve never been one of those who would trash every single pay-per-view title match that ended this way, but I’m starting to understand why such contempt exists. Sometimes, it works beautifully (for instance, Orton against Cena at No Way Out this year), but most of the time it just reeks of sterility. On television it’s a lot more bearable, because television has always traditionally been used as a tool to make people order the big shows. Therefore, you can’t expect too many blow-off matches and epics when the company needs to deliver at the right time. But when they get to the event in question and they’re STILL falling back on tired old tactics to drag things out a bit more, a lot of people get annoyed for all the wrong reasons.

Ironically, it was my infuriation over the dire World Heavyweight Championship picture that led to this rant – but THAT match didn’t even end with a DQ. It ended with a count-out, which is probably even more difficult to discuss fairly. On one hand, you can’t expect to win a title by beating somebody up outside the ring and then sprinting back into it while your opponent recovers. However, I for one would be not only gutted if a heel champion walked out to avoid losing the belt, but would probably file a lawsuit against the official for not doing his job properly and ensuring that a fair fight was fought.

In the end, I’m taking this far too seriously. It’s wrestling, there’s no way DQs and count-outs can be phased out because it would piss all over decades of convention and lead to major booking difficulties. But it’s such a bittersweet utility.

CM Punk – A Creative Malfunction?

On the subject of booking and the WWE making ‘questionable’ decisions in that department, one of the biggest topics of discussion right now is that of CM Punk. CM Punk, the former ECW Champion and current Money in the Bank briefcase holder, is on a bit of a losing streak right now. And that, to many people, is a bit of a problem.

It started off reasonably enough, a pinfall loss to Chris Jericho (who he’d beaten in the $ITB ladder match the previous night) which he overturned during the King of the Ring tournament before being defeated by William Regal in the final via submission. But then, he was basically owned by Chuck Palumbo before winning via DQ, then was pinned cleanly by Mike Mizanin last week. He then took another clean pin at Judgment day to John Morrison – although, in fairness, they were hardly going to job Kane – and followed that up with another tag team loss this week on ECW although it was Tommy Dreamer who took the pin.

A lot of pundits have lambasted Punk’s direction, saying it’s a huge waste of an almighty push and that the fears are he’ll eventually use his $ITB title shot to challenge for the ECW title rather than one of the more prestigious World titles. Some are also suggesting that Punk is being punished again for his attitude backstage (i.e. defending himself and not brown-nosing). While this may well end up being true, I’m going to go all ‘Wacky Wrestling Theory’ on this and see if shit sticks to the wall. At the very least, even if I’m completely wrong, I considered something different from the consensus.

What if CM Punk’s current lack of form isn’t, in fact, due to any absence of faith or unwillingness to pull the trigger…but is the exact opposite of that?

Look at it this way. Chris Jericho is one of the most popular men in the business, a pretty big financial draw in the midcard, and a believable main-event player. Yet his win/loss record, especially on WWE pay-per-view, is nothing short of abysmal. He’s not even at 25/75, if my calculations are correct. But he repeatedly finds himself in big-time circumstances and never looks out of place when he is so. One explanation for this, and probably the most reliable, is that it’s the manner in which he’s been used that’s affected his standing. Look at Judgment Day, for example – I still think he should have won, but the way he lost was shameless and the match was brilliant, so he will stay just as over as he was before. Heck, he lost to Batista the next night, and doesn’t seem too bothered by it (not that there’s much to worry about when you’re close to beating former World champions two days in a row…even if you are a former World champion yourself). You could say he’s the new Kane, but with more hair and flamboyant shirts.

So perhaps CM Punk’s losses lately are a message that he doesn’t need to win to remain viable. WWE knows that his reputation is probably not going to dwindle any time soon, so they’re using the opportunity to get a couple of big victories onto other potential stars because nobody’s damaged by it? And to be honest, I don’t disagree – nobody really remembers television matches unless they last more that thirty minutes or are otherwise literally unforgettable. And I know Morrison and the Miz aren’t on the same level as Shawn Michaels or Batista, but nor is CM Punk yet.

All I’m saying is that, as far as matches with Morrison go, most fans are more likely to remember the three Punk already lost to him last year on PPV and the one on television where he took the title from him. No further results between the two at this time will change that. The same goes for the Miz, who Punk had previously pinned twice on PPV and had never lost to, so this has done a lot more to help Miz look like an improving contender than it did to say Punk wasn’t one (they didn’t exactly follow up, but again it was Kane who owned Miz so you’d expect nothing less). It’s a bit annoying for Punk’s fans who are desperate to see him ascend, but that’s wrestling. Some men work four times as long to earn half as much as Punk has already achieved. If anything, CM Punk and his fans should be grateful that WWE has the confidence in him to keep his momentum even in the face of a barren stretch.

Also, let’s not forget one thing – CM Punk only even won the $ITB match because Jeff Hardy was suspended. Speaking of suspensions…

William Regal…Oh, Dear.

A few months ago, just after Jeff Hardy was given two months off to say goodbye to his home, I produced an article entitled ‘A Hardy Pill To Swallow’. For some reason, if you look at the links on my profile, you’ll see it listed twice for two separate dates. Believe me, though, I only wrote it once. And what, exactly, did I write? Well, here’s a snippet:

It’s been made painfully clear in the last few months that, in today’s climate, you’re not supposed to be allowed both a highly paid mainstream wrestling contract AND heroin, so what’s it to be? And keep in mind one thing – this is only seven months since his last drug suspension. If he can’t stay away from the stuff, even to the aid of his in-ring longevity, then perhaps he just needs to quit and stop getting everybody’s hopes up. Including his own. I don’t know whether that’s the case, but that we’re left even contemplating this possibility should indicate that Jeff is not thinking straight. Couple that with the fact that he didn’t even NEED to be suspended (he could have just worked the next two months without pay), but the WWE apparently felt he wouldn’t get the message otherwise, and I truly worry for the Rainbow-Haired Warrior.

Now, replace the word ‘heroin’ with ‘alcohol and painkillers’, ‘seven’ (months) with ‘eight’, ‘Jeff’ with ‘William Regal’, and ‘the Rainbow-Haired Warrior’ with ‘William Regal’. Because there is a very tragic sense of déjà vu about this.

Regal’s problems are long documented, and he’s never shied away from speaking about them. However, when he was caught up in the Signature Pharmacy scandal many lost respect for him, as he came across as a liar similar to Ken Kennedy. When he returned, he reclaimed his kayfabe position as General Manager of Raw, and things were going swimmingly. After a few months, it was decided that a short-term reboot was in order, and he was given the chance of a very close contest against then-champion Randy Orton, before winning the King of the Ring tournament a week later. Since then, he’s been playing the maniacal power fiend to perfection.

And then, similar to when Jeff blew the chance of a lifetime, Regal lets everybody down. Not least, himself.

It’s ironic in a way that Ken Kennedy himself should get to defeat Regal in order to explain his hiatus, because they are two sides of the same storied coin. There’s one crucial difference, though – Kennedy was inexperienced. He was a punk, a cocky loudmouth who thought he owned the world and seems to have become a much better man because of his errors (a recent interview saw him humbly accept responsibility for his stupidity, and his integrity should be respected). Regal, on the other hand, knows more than most about the tribulations that come from such a dangerous lifestyle. Much like the late Eddie Guerrero – rare proof that any demons can be conquered – Regal was actually fired by WWE during his first stint because of his substance abuse. Hell, this man passed out in the middle of the ring a few years ago and has a heart condition. Not to mention that Eddie himself, whose past eventually caught up with him, was one of his best friends. On top of that, although I maintain it was the result of brain damage from years of sustained concussions, the Benoit ‘incident’ was accredited by many as being fueled by rage brought on by – you guessed it – external sources. Why would he ever take such a risk again?

If he’s truly troubled by his dependencies, then he needs help right away. I’m lucky, as my only addictions in life have been for Sonic the Hedgehog, Peperami, and The Darkness’s first album – all of which I managed to overcome, with a little help from my brain telling me to stop being such a div. Alcoholism is another story, as it’s triggered by chemicals within the brain that convince you that you need the item in question…and when booze is deliberately manufactured to CAUSE this response, it’s no surprise that alcohol-related illnesses have apparently doubled since 1997. But still, with everything he’s been through and witnessed, I expected better from Regal.

So, here’s a toast (don’t worry, it’s Shloer) – to our beloved King Regal kicking himself into gear and living the remainder of his life without the burden of disgrace that has plagued him for so long. Good luck, mate.

Rubbish Youtube Quote of the Week~!

From about a million videos with Triple H in them:

TRIPLEHvsCENAHHHwins
hhh rules

Not exactly an impartial observer, is he?

On Two Hands, With Mike Adamle

Like last week, I didn’t really spot five overly hilarious quotes. However, there were several ‘on the cusp’ lines that I felt would be worthy as a team. Therefore, this week I bring you TEN modicums of greatness from the Mikester. Now, the reason the link is there rather than me just pasting the quotes here is that, since this is such a seismic chapter in the fabric of my history, I thought I’d push the boat out. So I created a little ‘.swf’ file that lets you scroll over Adamle’s fingers to read what he said, and hold the left-click button so you can see why I found it humorous. Also, you can put the cursor on his face and punch him as many times as you like, with the world’s greatest and most realistic sound effect to accompany you. I’d have embedded it on here, but it’s too wide. Anyway, enjoy and here’s the ‘I

Bye.

Well, that wasn’t too bad. Strangely, I enjoyed this one a lot more than some of the other’s I’ve written the last couple of months. Thanks to those of you who’ve supported me so far, and here’s to an improved product upon my return (providing I do, of course).

Continue? 9, 8, 7, 6…

XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOX