The Seventh Dimension 05.09.08: You Have The Right To Remain Entertained!

So, I’m thinking about quitting. Or, at the very least, taking a sabbatical. For the second time (the first was in only a couple of months into what is now an eight-month stay), I’m having serious doubts as to whether I can keep this up. Or, indeed, whether I should really try to. The fact is, I’m struggling right now for decent material. But more to the point, I can’t seem to motivate myself anymore without occasionally becoming something of a caricature of what I’m capable of. It’s a bad state of affairs when you’re actually hoping for a huge scandal or even a tragedy to occur, just so you have something to write about. And Santino drink-driving and Ashley working as an escort aren’t really stories I care about much.

The fact Byers and Lansdell have just called it quits doesn’t really aid my self-esteem any. I almost feel guilty for managing to oust them, when both men have a far superior knowledge of the profession than myself. Plus, I’m having a few health problems (none of which are caused by obesity, so don’t go there), and I really should have a job by now after all these months of strenuous searching. Perhaps without the added distraction of a weekly article, I can kick myself into another gear.

But I’m not giving up just yet. I came through it last time and have seen my biggest successes since, and I have no intention of throwing the literary towel in without slapping you all with it for a bit first. This week, as I have sometimes in the past, I have several smaller topics to discuss rather than one big one. Let’s start with a fun-filled trip down Memory Lane, on the crossroads of Remembrance Street and Amnesia Terrace.

Videogame For A Laugh

I love videogames, and I’m sure like many of you I enjoy revisiting the older ones that I either have nostalgic memories of, or have somehow never had the fortune to try. I love the newer ones as well – my recent purchases of ‘GTA IV’ and ‘God of War: Chains of Olympus’ are already two of my most treasured decisions – but there’s something equally satisfying about uncovering an older gem that I never experienced first time around. The last few days, I’ve been lucky enough to find and download a few Sega Genesis games that I’d previously not played. The first was ‘Ghostbusters’, which I can’t believe I never bought back in the day. Then came ‘Knuckles the Echidna in Sonic the Hedgehog’, which is a pirated game I didn’t know existed until a couple of weeks ago but works a treat. But the main event was ‘Knuckles Chaotix’, which I’d never been able to run because I couldn’t work out how to configure the 32X on my emulator. Sadly, I still don’t know how to make the Mega CD operate, so no ‘Sonic CD’ for me yet.

Having been left somewhat under-whelmed by ‘Knuckles Chaotix’, I decided to look through my other game files to see if I had any other 32X saves. I did indeed, and one of them was ‘WWF Wrestlemania Arcade’. It only features eight wrestlers – Doink, Undertaker, HBK, Lex Luger, Yokozuna, Bam Bam Bigelow, Razor Ramon, and Bret Hart – and it plays now like a very badly-dated version of FirePro, only far more limited in terms of moveset but with smoother graphics. It’s pretty atrocious by today’s standards, and I can’t imagine it was deemed anything special when it was first released. But it’s not the worst wrestling game I’ve ever played…it’s not even the worst WWF game I’ve ever played.

That honour goes to the hauntingly-bad ‘WWF Royal Rumble’ on Sega Dreamcast. If you’ve never played this digital travesty, consider yourself lucky. This thing scarred me for life, even though I only played it for roughly an hour before obliterating it out of anguish. I can say without hyperbole that this game is worse than the combined ineptitude of ‘In Your House’, ‘WCW Thunder’, and ‘ECW Anarchy Rules’. Thankfully, I’ve never even bothered with the almost universally-despised ‘Backyard Wrestling’ series.

To put this into perspective, ‘Smackdown vs. Raw 2008′ on the Nintendo Wii is criticised for only having five different match-types, but at least it has a career mode. The original ‘Smackdown vs. Raw’ on Playstation 2 was derided for allowing only the regular singles match and the Bra and Panties match to appear in its online mode.

‘WWF Royal Rumble’ has two match-types. Two. No other features. And no online connectivity, on the machine that invented console network gaming. It’s this sort of thing that the term “epic fail” was coined to apply to.

That would be all good and well, if THQ and Yuke’s had taken a quality-over-quantity approach. They didn’t. The normal singles’ match involves you choosing a manager, which is compulsory, and waiting through about a minute’s worth of loading either side of roughly one second of each wrestler’s entrance without any music. Then, you finally start fighting. The mechanics of the actual grappling isn’t too far removed from the early Smackdown games, and the graphics are about the same, so this part isn’t bad at all. Unfortunately, if you haven’t pinned (or been pinned by) your opponent within two minutes, both characters suddenly start swaying about and look at the ceiling as the lights flicker. More loading follows, and now you’re in some random backstage area. One move later, it’s usually over regardless of who was controlling the match within the ring. Rubbish.

Predictably, the other match is the Royal Rumble, which is so bad it forces me to think about horrific personal events so that I can start crying and blame my tears on the game. Although it does highlight the only redeeming thing it has to offer – up to nine guys on screen at the same time – the fact that the hardware means you can only play as four of them anyway pretty much negates the effort. But here’s the worst part – there are only twenty people you can play is (and Vince and Shane McMahon as unlockables) which means, in a thirty-man match, there are going to be many repeats. But you can add many more when you take into account that this isn’t just a normal Royal Rumble…this is a Royal Rumble where YOU, and you alone, have to eliminate twenty-nine others. This can take hours, and often you end up getting thrown out agonisingly close to defeating the three Mick Foleys in the ring with you. You won’t play that long, though.

Some may try to support it because it’s a remake of an arcade game actually that just strengthens my point. Remaking multiplayer arcade games is usually a bad idea. Arcade games are meant for short bursts while you’re out bowling or waiting for the film to start. Console games are supposed to have substance and longevity – that’s why memory cards were invented, for goodness sake. It was forgivable with the NES Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles games, because the technology wasn’t advanced enough to cope with something much more groundbreaking. The Dreamcast was sixth-gen. There is no defending this game.

Fortunately, I have far better memories with other ‘classic’ wrestling games. ‘WWF Attitude’ was a good one, although my affection isn’t as much for the rather clunky gameplay as it is for the intros and voice acting. I liked ‘WCW Mayhem’ as well, and I was also one of the few who enjoyed ‘WCW Backstage Assault’ despite its inherent stupidity. Strangely, I didn’t get on well with ‘WWF No Mercy’ on N64. That was probably because I never made it past the third objective of the story mode – to win a handicap match against Chyna and Val Venis (I think). At least the ladder match was good, though.

So now, we have the ‘Smackdown’ games. Before this became an all-format series, it was exclusive to Playstation. Meanwhile, Nintendo Gamecube had the fun-but-goofy ‘Wrestlemania XIX’ and ‘Day of Reckoning’, while Xbox was treated to the infinitely inferior ‘Raw’ games. Now though, THQ has rightly scrapped the individual chains and gone for the single ‘Smackdown vs. Raw’ brand, which makes a lot more sense. Each year, these games are scrutinised with a tooth and comb. And each year, the core gameplay remains familiar with a few tweeks, the graphics get slightly better, and the roster gets smaller. We’ve come to expect these things, and we’ve come to disparage them. But while we are right to do this, it’s important to remember one important thing.

None of these games will EVER be as bad as ‘WWF Royal Rumble’.

And…that’s it. Shit, I thought I’d have more to write on that, but we’re all wise after the event.

Oh well, I guess I’ll chime in with my thoughts on Santino and Ashley after all. Then a mention of a certain calamitous booking decision…

A Pair of Cunts

Whose sick idea was this? How has this happened? What has become of us? “You apes blew up my office, damn it!” And he was right.

The sad thing about this is that, compared to all of the horrible things that occur within the industry, this barely even warrants a raised eyebrow. Ashley Massaro used to be a prostitute and is under federal investigation? Meh. Santino Marella was caught drink-driving and failed every sobriety test known to man? Yaaaawn. Both of these things would be considered huge deals if committed by ordinary members of the public, but in the world of celebrity it’s the norm these days. The only real negativity I see in response seems to be along the lines of “Ashley’s a slut like all the other divas”, and “Santino’s a pussy/innocent because his blood/alcohol level was within the legal boundaries”. It does seem like you need to do something on the same level as Benoit to really get any notoriety these days. Either that, or shit in a handbag.

I’m pro-choice and I’m not religious. Likewise, I’m not anti-prostitution if the person in question is the one in charge of the decision (obviously people loaning children are scum, but adult hookers are fine with me). And I like attractive women, as well as the idea of banging attractive women. That’s all fine. With that said, Ashley needs to be fired immediately. I say this for three reasons – 1) Unlike Mike Knox, Ashley has very little in her defense or that can possibly suggest her innocence, apart from somebody else sharing the same name as her in a different part of the country – imagine if Mark Chapman had tried that after shooting John Lennon?; 2) The WWE currently looks like shit for hiring somebody who worked in an illegal profession, and for not making sufficient background checks beforehand; and 3), most importantly, she still can’t wrestle and she’s a danger to herself and others. Get rid.

As for Santino? Well, I think a lot of those shielding him are doing so because he’s funny (so was OJ Simpson), and because he didn’t hurt anyone. While that’s true, the fact that he even took that risk is enough ground to release him in most industries. I hope it doesn’t come to that (and it almost certainly won’t, if Kurt Angle is anything to gauge it with), but I wouldn’t be surprised or particularly sympathetic if that was the result. The legal limit is basically null and void these days, as health experts have repeatedly made it clear that as little as half a pint of regular beer is enough to slow your reflexes and make you around twice as vulnerable to distractions. If he’d killed somebody in the incident, there wouldn’t even be a discussion. He’d be out the door, and none of you would stand up for him.

In the end, no harm has been done to anyone individually. However, the already-questionable reputation of the WWE is once again called into doubt. Although the treatment is unfair to say the least, and WWE will recover, eventually these derogatory vibes from the public are going to take their toll. Vince already has enough to worry about with Wellness infractions, plummeting ratings, and angry pyrotechnics victims. He doesn’t need this burden as well.

One Last Thing…

The Undertaker being stripped of the World title. Why? So he can win it back and get a seventh World title reign? Isn’t it more important that at least one of his reigns is longer than a few weeks, rather than the NUMBER of reigns? Do you realise that Randy ‘transitional’ Orton (not my opinion…plus, it’s not possible since no transition took place. He won and lost the WWE Championship from and to the same opponent) has just had a title reign that was longer than ANY of Undertaker’s? In other words, Randy is a better champion than Undertaker.

Here’s what I don’t get – you’ve just given Undertaker the World title, because he was injured last time very early into a reign with the belt that was rumoured to last until Wrestlemania 24, where he would probably have been defeated by Edge even though Edge was on Raw at the time Undertaker had to drop the title. So the plan is changed, and Undertaker wins the title from Edge at Wrestlemania 24. Then, he is stripped of the belt at almost the exact same time as he had to forfeit it last year. In fact, his reign last year ended after 37 days – this year, it was 30 days. WHAT THE SHIT?!?

If the plan was never for Taker to hold the belt continuously until next year’s Wrestlemania, why even have him win the damn thing in the first place? Have Edge face someone else and Undertaker kill Big Daddy V again to keep BOTH mens’ streaks alive, then have Taker finally defeat Edge at Judgment Day for the title and lose it back to him at Wrestlemania 25. Don’t just hand it to him for the sake of handing it to him. I think I made it clear in my ‘When ‘He’ Came’ column a few weeks ago what my stance on cynical bolstering of peoples’ legacies is. It failed for Triple H in 2005, and it deserves to fail here. It won’t though, because everyone hated Triple H and loves Undertaker.

WWE has blown it big-time with this one.

Rubbish Youtube Quote of the Week~!

From ‘Bill Bailey – The Snooker Song’ (you probably have to watch the clip to get this):

gerkin74
which nirvana song is tht? lol

Ladyon
Smells like teenage spirit

domisdabest
teen spirit

Actually, I saw worse than this. But I found something stupidly funny about the conversation, so I thought I’d use it. Makes a change from the myriad “CENA IZ KENNEDY” or “DIE VICKIE!!” comments I see around the place. Ok, I lied about “Cena is Kennedy”, but I wouldn’t be surprised. Remember the “Mike Knox and Undertaker are the same person” debate I included a couple of weeks back?

Oh, fuck it. Here’s a wrestling one as well. From ‘Smackdown 5/2/08 Part 11′

ponyboy316
Vicky is the unfortunate result of politics (aka- childishness and fovoritism). If she wasn’t the fuck-hole of the dead mexican alcoholic theif, we wouldn’t have to put up with her talentless, shallow and generally embarassing portrayal of a widow gone demented. She in fact is the worst idea of a character I have yet seen in the WWE, and I have been watching it for well over 15 years, on and off.

Yikes! What a shit.

On One Hand, With Mike Adamle

5) “Have mercy!” – In his usual deadpan manner. Also great was the fact he seemed to inadvertently pronounce it ‘Mer-syee-aay’, which made him sound like he was on Nickelodeon.
4) “The Gold Standard (Shelton Benjamin) in civilian clothes, which I can only surmise means that he’s going to join us here at the broadcast table.” – I can’t remember the last time Jim Ross actually worked out that the man coming towards him was going to commentate. Therefore, Adamle > Jim Ross.
3) “That’s it! The Knox…the Knox-Out! The Mike Knox-Out!” – Now we just need Adamle to name the Gogoplata.
2) “For the last two weeks, Shelton Benjamin proved that blondes don’t necessarily have more fun…” – Amen, girlfriend.
1) (From Raw) “We don’t know much about John Cutler, except that his last name rhymes with Butler. And if he wins, the Cutler will have done it!” – Come on, you have to love that one.

Mike, you have provided the lone bright spot in this week’s disconsolate article.

Bye.

Sorry for the relatively muddled and pessimistic offering this week, but I explained my lack of inspiration at the beginning. I shall try my best to pull myself together in time for next week.

Adio-bye.

XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOX