The RAWtopsy 01.30.07

Hey, ROH is doing their $10 sale, so now’s your time to take the Pepsi Challenge. 12 hours of wrestling for $40 versus the WWE’s 3 hours for the same cost. If you’re one of those who think the WWE has grown stagnant, you owe it to yourself to try something different.

Death Before Dishonor III
Escape From New York
The Homecoming
Punk: The Final Chapter

I know it’s a little different from the earlier one, but these are the $10 DVD. YOU GO NOW!

WWE Raw
by J.D. Dunn

January 29, 2007

Live from Dallas, Texas.

Your hosts are Jim Ross and Jerry Lawler.

Rumble runner-up Shawn Michaels opens the show. He told us no mortal man would beat him in the Rumble, but unfortunately for him, the Undertaker is not a mortal man. He says he wants to challenge John Cena if Taker should decide to go after the World Title or ECW Title. Of course, that brings out the champ. Cena says he likes the sound of it, but it’s up to the Undertaker. Edge interrupts the lovefest to make fun of Shawn for not winning and points out that he has never been beaten at WrestleMania. His own partner, Randy Orton, interrupts his tirade, though. Orton whines about not getting a title shot, so Cena and HBK challenge them to a fight…right NOW! Vince McMahon won’t let it happen, though, and schedules a tag title match for later tonight. Let the countdown to the accidental Sweet Chin Music begin.

Cryme Tyme give a shout out to their boys.

Cryme Tyme vs. Shelton Benjamin & Charlie Haas.
Haas and Shad start out with Haas trying to wrestle. Shad steamrolls him, though, and takes a swipe at Benjamin. JTG threatens to get involved, distracting the referee long enough for Benjamin to kick Shad’s kneecap out from under him. Shad tries a knee, but Shelton rolls over it into a single-leg crab. Shad powers his way over to a tag. I would be remiss in not mentioning Haas’ Gary-Oldman-in-True-Romance dreadlocks. Benjamin headscissors Shad to the floor, but JTG sneaks in and rolls up Benjamin. The ref is still distracted, so Haas comes in and DDTs JTG to give Haas and Norbit the win at 3:38. Not sure what this means for their #1 contender status, but at least they have ready-made challengers if they win the tag titles. Of course, if the WWE really loved me, they’d have Shawn and Cena win the titles tonight to set up a tag title match with TWGTT. **

Jonathan Coachman and Vince McMahon gush over how great “Fan Appreciation Night” will be. Well, if Vince likes it, how bad could it be?

“This Week in Wrestling” is Jim Duggan winning the very first Royal Rumble.

#1 Contender’s Match: Melina vs. Maria.
Maria rolls her up and gives Melina a big-ass wedgie. Broncobuster gets two. Maria yanks her down by the hair to take over. She stretches her across the corner and kicks Maria in the back. Maria comes back with a jawbreaker but gets flapjacked. Maria has to tap out to the California Dreams (Mutalock) at 2:28. *

Todd Grisham asks Shawn Michaels how he will co-exist with John Cena tonight. Shawn reminds us all that Cena is no Triple H. Yes, fans, you too can get your own HBK puppet.

In the back, Super Crazy bonds with Mickie James because they’re both crazy and all. Melina sneaks up and insults them both (can you say “cabron” on TV?). Crazy helps Mickie slap her around, triggering a big catfight.

Elsewhere, Edge tells Cade & Murdoch what a great partner Randy Orton is when they’re on the same page. Then, Cade & Murdoch go off to eat their Starbursts in their wetsuits.

Umaga (w/Armando Alejandro Estrada) vs. Val Venis.
WE HAVE A VAL VENIS SIGHTING! Samoan Drop. Tree-of-Woe Headbutt. Buttalanche. Samoan Spike. Val goes back to softcore at 1:47. 1/4*

Vince McMahon comes out. You know, I was just watching Canadian Stampede the other day, and I thought Vince should wear a cowboy hat more often. He does so here, but only to make fun of people who wear cowboy hats. Going to have to agree with him on that one. He calls for a volunteer, one who does not look at all like a plant. As a token of appreciation, he’s giving her a giant, novelty-size copy of his “Muscle & Fitness” cover. Donald Trump appears on the Tron and says everyone hates Vince, but there is no alternative. Trump showers the arena with money, buying the fans’ love and embarrassing Vince.

After a break, Coach tries to make Vince feel better with his mouth (by talking, of course). Vince takes Coach’s ten bucks and drives off.

Mixed-Tag Match: Carlito & Super Crazy (w/Torrie Wilson & Chloe) vs. Chris Masters & Kenny Dykstra
Spooky thing: the dog’s last name – O’Brien. Masters overpowers Super and stomps him down in the corner. Crazy comes back with a springboard crossbody and a low dropkick. Crazy rolls through a sunset flip, and the luchafaces hit stereo tope con hilos. Back in, Masters trips up Crazy, allowing the heels to take over. Crazy plays face-in-peril. Dykstra grabs a chinlock, but Crazy fights his way out of it and tags Carly. Carlito hits the springboard back elbow and a dropkick. Super Crazy takes Kenny to the floor as Carlito counters a Masters press slam to a Lungblower at 7:31. Ross implies Carlito and Crazy might form a regular team, a suggestion I had when Crazy first came over. You’re welcome. **1/4

Da Grish asks the same question of Randy Orton that he asked Shawn Michaels – how can you co-exist with your partner. Randy blows him off.

Intercontinental Title: Jeff Hardy vs. The Great Khali.
Jeff looks like he’s having an acid flashback as Khali walks to the ring. Hey, why does the challenger come out second?! Khali grabs the title and shoves Jeff to the floor. Lots of pounding, yelling, and skuzzy dreadlocks, much like the wedding night of Billy Bob Thornton and Angelina Jolie. Jeff grazes him with the Whisper in the Wind, and Khali crotches himself going for a big boot. Khali sets Jeff on the top rope and chops him. Jeff falls to the outside and gets counted out at 3:47. I guess, much like Kamala, Khali is too stupid to know what he’s doing, so he just kills people. Now what he needs is a manager to tell him what to do. My advice – Armando Alejandro Estrada. In fact, pair him up with Umaga and make the Colossal Connection II. In fact, while I’m at it, bring back Demolition and have them fight at WrestleMania! God, I’m full of great ideas. Problem is, most of ’em suck. 1/2*

Candice Michelle is in a commercial for GoDaddy.com, but Carmen Electra is in a commercial for Taco Bell. Advantage: Carmen. Fergie in football pants beats them both, though.

Vladimir Kozlov loves Double Double E. In Soviet Russia, you fall on money.

John Cena and Ric Flair talk about how cool it would be if Cena and Shawn won the tag titles. Flair warns him to be on the lookout for a double-cross. That almost certainly means that Cena will double-cross HBK with the FU. Of course, it would be awesome if Flair was just driving a wedge between them so he could reunite with a heel Triple H.

WWE Tag Team Titles: Randy Orton & Edge vs. Shawn Michaels & Not Triple H.
Michaels hits Edge with the enzuigiri and mocks Randall with the DX chop. Edge lowers his head on a backdrop attempt and gets punted by Shawn. Cena tags in and drops an elbow. He blocks a charge and DDTs Edge for two. Edge rolls over and tags Orton. Randy gets more of the same, including a Fisherman’s suplex for two. Rated RKO isolates Cena, but Cena fires back and gets two off a rollup. Edge gets pissed at Orton and threatens to leave him there to defend himself like some lanky, tattooed Tito Santana. We come back from a break to find Edge has returned and is getting his ass kicked by Cena. Randy nails Cena in the ribs to give the champs the advantage. Randy gets the Garvin stomp as the champs settle into the dominant position. Orton kills time with a chinlock but misses a dropkick. HOT TAG TO HBK! Shawn cleans house on the champs. He hits Edge with the Picture-Perfect Elbow and sets up for Sweet Chin Music. Orton breaks it up with a dropkick, though, and tags in. Michaels blocks the RKO and tags in Cena. FU to Orton, and that’s the end of Rated RKO’s reign at 14:52. Shawn readies for the Sweet Chin Music on Cena, but Cena catches him and shouts at him for not being a team player (in a play on Rated RKO last night). Shawn looks pretty funny taking a scolding. I guess Flair was right. The Undertaker interrupts the lover’s quarrel and stares at Cena as we go off the air. Pretty cool stuff. ***

The 411: Teasing the Undertaker/Cena feud keeps things interesting, but there are plenty of guys who can slide into the Raw contender’s spot. If Taker leaves Smackdown, things look pretty grim on that side. The dynamic of a selfish HBK playing both ends between the middle could be money, though, if they play it right.