VIOLENT PANDA Wrestling Review: Summerslam 2006

VIOLENT PANDA Wrestling Review

$40! I just spent $40 on this… better be good.

The ECW PPV will be in Georgia?!? Why would they do that?

WWE Summerslam 2006

We meet up with each of the announce teams. JBL, eh? This ought to be.. something. Joey Styles says the bad word: “pro wrestling history will be made tonight” as the ECW title will be defended on a WWE PPV.

Rey Misterio vs. Chavo Guerrero:

– Rey gets a healthy amount of boos. On his entrance, he gives a little girl his necklace and she’s in awe~!.

– We start off with a really limp punch exchange. Rey is about to be powerslammed and converts to an armdrag! Sweet…

– Rey rolls up Chavo’s body, Chavo flings him backward face-first into the turnbuckle! Chavo does an Eddie pose and the crowd boos. Man… they’re still doing this stuff? Crowd does us no favors, breaking into a massive “Eddie” chant. Sounds like some fans boo in there as well.

– Chavo teases a superbomb to the floor, Rey escapes. Sign: “Keep Khali off TV” heh heh. JBL says: “I had Eddie as a groomsman at my wedding. I had security there just in case he fell off the wagon.” Now again, just because you CAN say something like that doesn’t mean you should. Seriously… this is awful.

– Bit of a “let’s go Chavo” chant… 619 attempt gets some boos.. Here comes Vickie Guerrero. She gets BIG boos. She slaps Chavo, trying to get these two to stop fighting. Rey body splashes Chavo.

– Geez, they need to dress Vickie up a little more. She’s dressed worse here then my crackhead aunt huddled up listening to her police scanner. Chavo busts out Eddie’s verticals.. crowd hates it. Rey does it.. crowd boos HIM, too! That’s the spirit! JBL says: “This would drive a psychologist crazy.” Huh?

– Rey goes up, Vickie accidentally crotches Rey. Chavo hits a brainbuster and Eddie’s frogsplash.. for the win.

Nothing more sad than EDDIEsploitation. Fans need to either keep silent or turn on the show if they want this to stop. Some fun spots, but the angle is so incredibly terrible that it really sours the whole night. A horrid way to start a PPV. A big “fuck you” from Vince to the fans.. we’re getting a lot of that lately, aren’t we? Does Vince hate us?

Winner: Chavo Guerrero

King Booker’s in the back with Sharmell. While I think the gimmick is embarrassing, Book is pretty hilarious with his attempts at regal diction. Edge and Lita enter the scene! Book: “Who is this rogue?” hahaha. They debate which of them is the most powerful couple in the world of staged physicality. Edge gets cheered when he says he’s going to bitchslap Cena. Then he gets some massive cheap heat by name-dropping the Yankees. They make a wager on who will win whose respective bout.

Then there’s.. an AD. On a pay per view! What fun! It’s a “will somebody PLEASE buy the WWE managers DVD?” commercial.

ECW World Title Match – Sabu vs. The Big Show©:

– I guess you could complain about this match being booked so early, but if you’re the WWE and don’t book world title matches last by default and you’ve got another high profile hardcore match on the card, then I guess I can see why this is here.

– Sabu starts chucking chairs at Show’s head to start. Bit of a “Sabu” chant. Show WAFFLE CHOP~! “Sabu” chant. About half the crowd treats Show to a “You can’t wrestle” chant, heh heh. Ohhh I will love it if that chant crosses over to all the WWE programs.

– Show with a HUGE fallaway slam, sending Sabu clear across the ring. Looked awesome. Sabu jumpkicks a chair into Show’s face, but it makes no sound and thus gets no reaction. Sabu slides a table into the ring, props it up in the corner…

– Sabu with a chairjump bulldog puts Show’s face through the table! Looked OK… “ECW” chant. I’m telling you, that chant should be reserved for the cheesiest sportz entertainment shit every week.

– Show with an electric chair drop! Nasty! Show with a Yokozuna-like second rope splash.. looked limp, but gets a good reaction. Tazz: “Holy splat right dere!” How does he keep his job?

– We end up with a table held up by ringsteps on each end. Sabu goes to jump off the table to hit a springboard DDT.. but the table slips. Show doesn’t know what to do, so he stands there and lets Sabu try again. Crowd half-farted on it, but then popped for the move as it looked great if you can ignore the set-up.

– Sabu stands up another table and basically tries the same move again, but Show catches him and chokeslams him through the table for the 1, 2, 3.

– Crowd has an OK reaction. Sabu stands in the ring, I guess they want post-match applause to put him over. He doesn’t get much. He shrugs repeatedly like after his match against Kendo Ka Shin at WRESTLE-1 – which was probably the worst Sabu match I’ve ever seen.

A fun match. It’ll be interesting to see what fans think about Sabu. Will they accept him despite the “blown spots” and appreciate his train wreck factor the way so many others already do?

Winner: Big Show

We get a recap of Layla winning the Diva Search. Then we get a backstage segment where all the Divas initiate Layla by pushing her into the shower and.. well, it’s a rape-y excuse to show us her butt, basically. At least JBL’s not in there to soap her up. But then, she’s not a nubile, hairless young man.

Recap of Orton/Hogan. We get Max Headroom dialogue from Orton – “Leg-legend kill-kill-killer. Where’s the beat box?

Randy Orton vs. Hulk Hogan:

– Hogan has a sour look on his face. Gonna job? The crowd is into Hogan pretty big despite his nightmarish appearance on the last episode of Raw.

– We get the Ortonlock almost immediately, leading to boos and.. wait… an “Orton” chant. Later we get a big mixed chant of “Let’s go Hogan”/”Orton”. Hogan’s du rag comes off and his baldness now goes down the back of his head. He’s got an anti-mohawk.

– Hogan hits mounted punches to big cheers, and he throws in a “suck it” crotch chop. He bites Orton and gives him an eyepoke, causing JR to say that this is the AWA style Hogan we’re seeing. .5% of the home viewing audience proceeds to mark out.

– Orton works the knee to a mixed “Orton”/”Hogan” chant. Then there’s what looks like a mis-communication, where Orton awkwardly leans his shoulder into Hogan’s gut… Orton misses a crossbody, crowd is HOT. Orton dodges the Big Boot, hits a big air dropkick to a mixed reaction. Orton hits the RKO.. 1, 2, 3. Hogan JUST got his foot on the ropes… they have Lillian announce that Hogan got his foot on the ropes for some reason. Match continues…

– HULKUP time.. Orton’s body language is great, as he holds his head in his hands, realizing that Hogan is in invincibility mode and unless he falls into a spike pit he can’t be hurt for 20 seconds.

– Big boot.. Hulk milks a reaction as Orton lays there. Will he pop up and hit the RKO..? NO! Leg drop! 1, 2, 3! Hulk wins.

– Hulk poses after.. heh heh. He’s not happy with the noise he gets from two sides, and repeatedly refuses to pose for them.

Crowd liked it… It could have been a lot worse. I’d complain that Hogan didn’t job, but hey.. it’s Randy Orton. When he can have a good match, then we can worry. Let Hogan job to somebody more worthy.

Winner: Hulk Hogan

Foley’s in the back with Melina. He’s worried that Ric’s going to kill him. Melina says that he better win – she’s not sure if she can associate herself with a loser. Mick suddenly is fired up and storms off. Melina smiles… cunning~. Melina manipulating Mick, that’s awesome stuff. Plus Vince can get himself off thinking this is a rip on Mick’s “Robin Givens”-like wife.

I Quit Match – Mick Foley vs. Ric Flair:

– JR warns us. This will be PHYSICALLY INTENSE! As opposed to the physically lethargic action we’ve seen so far, I guess?

– Mick is wearing the Cactus Jack tights. PLUNDER is in the ring. Mick immediately proceeds to DESTROY Ric. Out comes socko.. no pop at all for socko! Mandible claw. Ric does not quit. Foley warns it’s just gonna get worse. And then he wraps socko in barbed wire!

– Flair with the testicular claw. And a kick to the nuts. This is great. No bullshit rest holds, just pure action. Flair steals barbed socko, puts it on and hits some barbed wire chops! Awesome! Foley does his whipped-into-the-steps flip bump.

– Here comes a barbed wire board. King: “How does this stuff get under the ring?” hahaha. Ohh no… “We want fire” chant. No! Foley proceeds to DESTROY Ric with the board. Will Ric quit? “kiss my ass!”. Foley hits Ric with the mic a few times.

– THUMBTACKS! Ric is bodyslammed on the tacks.. awww geez they’re stuck all over his arm. Ric: “Ahh! Shit!” Again, no filler in this one. It’s all action. Foley gets a barbed wire bat. Mule kick by Flair. Flair’s face is covered in blood.. Flair uses the bat as JR claims this is “bedlam”. Ric tells Mick to quit or else “I will tear out your heart!”

– Mick is knocked off the apron… nestea plunge! Falls square on his back! Sick! Crowd doesn’t react as big as I’d think they would. Jeez, I guess they need a table involved or something. EMTs come out… so does Melina.

– Official says that Mick is done. Ref calls for the bell. Ric doesn’t accept it: “This isn’t a lay on your ass match!” Foley gets up, rolls in the ring.. THROUGH THE TACKS! Ouch! Ric: “I’m gonna take your eye out!” He gouges Mick’s eye with the barbed wire…

– Melina is close by, concerned. Ric: “I’ll kill you too, you stupid bitch!” Melina throws in the towel. Fans boo. Flair says she cannot quit for him. Mel slides in and tries to protect Mick. Flair has the bat, he’s about to strike Melina.. Mick quits. Melina strokes Foley. His wife must be thrilled.

Crowd fell off at the end. They’ve been confused for the majority of the feud, having no idea who to cheer for because the actual issue is so muddled, despite the ample promo time. I’ll tell you what though.. this is a HELL of a match. Mick Foley is on a friggin hot streak like nobody’s business. Crowd actually booed Foley a bit after it was all over. He takes some risks when it comes to match stories sometimes, and man does he pay for it.

Winner: Ric Flair

Shane, Vince and AAE are in the back, casually talking about how Umaga is the greatest monster in the WWE.

World Title Match – Batista vs. Booker©:

– “All hail King Booker” is said about 30 times. That’s just “change the channel” heat right there. Who would purposely tune in and sit through that? It lasts forever, too! Some fans “bow down” to King T.

– I’ll keep the review of this one short and sweet. They traded wonky moves, 30-50% of the crowd chanted “boring” repeatedly, and Batista had trouble lifting Booker T on 3 separate occasions. There were also light “She’s got herpes” and “Same old shit” chants, to boot.

– Sharmell ends up running in to stop Batista from winning. This merits a DQ. After, Batista hits his finisher and almost drops Booker on his head while setting up the move.

Dull, sub-par stuff. Batista is really getting exposed lately. He needs to develop his shtick in a hurry, I think. The “machine gun” entrance and thumbs pose just ain’t cutting it.

Winner: Batista via DQ

DX is talking to someone in the locker room on how Vince called Umaga the greatest monster. Who else could this be but Kane?!

We get a video re-cap of the “anti-establishment, attitudinal” DX vs. McMahon stuff.

DX vs. The McMahons:

– JR says that Shane is the “demon seed”. And when Vince dies, he will take part in a “hostile takeover of hell” hahaha.

– There’s a long bit before the bell where The McMahons send in flunkies to beat up DX. The Spirit Squad go first, and are squashed in 30 seconds flat. King says that they have a “future in pizza delivery”.

– Next set of flunkies: Finlay, Regal and Kennedy. They too, are sent packing. Then comes the Big Show. The Smackdown guys drag HHH out of the ring and beat on him, while Show gives HBK the cobra clutch Roderick Stronginator. He follows up with a leg drop.. King: “THAT was extreme”. The leg drop.

– Faces down, feels like we should be cutting to commercial. Show chokeslams HHH through the Spanish – I mean, ECW table. Now the McMahons hit the ring and the bout is officially underway.

– HBK is IN PERIL~! “HHH” chant. Why did I order this show?

– McMahons heh heh… hit finishers of Demolition, the Hart Foundation and the Road Warriors. They’re all pretty much the same, hahaha. HHH finally gets the HOT TAG and unleashes his moveset of 4 moves on the “wickedly wealthy” McMahons.

– JR says something about Jackson Brown running on empty and I have no idea what he’s talking about. Is that a song or something?

– SAMOAMAGA IS HERE! He hits a casual boot to HBK’s face at ringside. Then he climbs onto the apron and hits the THUMB to HHH. And here comes Kane. He brawls Umaga to the back. Umaga sells like crazy, unfortunately. Well, there goes that gimmick.

– HHH lies around for awhile, then Vince covers and HHH kicks out of the thumbs. Vince strikes the ref and JR thinks he should sue for “ref harassment”. Shane terminator?! He’s not going to reach…! HBK SUPERKICK HALFWAY THROUGH! Insane!

– Vince is pedigreed. 1, 2, 3.

Dull in a long stretch with bursts of fun. Why they waste all this time and energy on non-wrestlers and guys who could be making new stars is beyond the ken of the internet. They did sell a lot of merchandise, I guess.

Winners: DX

WWE Title Match (belt changes hands on a DQ) John Cena vs. Edge©:

– Sign: “If EDGE wins we riot”. We are in Cena’s hometown. JR points out that Edge is 6-1 at Summerslam. He even has a win over Eddie.

– Cena hits punches in a corner.. gets booed. Cena belly-to-belly is booed too! John proceeds to get dumped to the floor 3 times where he just lies there. Feels like it’s commercial break time. SO BORING.

– “Cena sucks” chant. Cena misses a crossbody. I swear, 65% of this match has been guys lying down and breathing.

– Edge chinlock… ugghh… “Let’s go Cena” chant. Cena escapes.. BOTH MEN DOWN. Somebody give me a refund!

– Edge escapes an F-U and hits the impaler DDT. Cena goes for a second rope F-U, but Cena escapes and hits a victory roll, only two! Edge ends up hitting Lita by accident off the apron. Edge wants a spear… charges into a drop toe hold! STFU! Will Edge tap?! Lita offers to hit Cena with a chair but Edge screams at her not to. So why wouldn’t she hit Edge with the chair? He’d retain then, right?

– Edge gets a rope break. Lita slips some knucks on Edge’s hand. Cena ends up STACKING Edge and Lita for an F-U! Awesome… Lita takes the F-U… Edge knucks shot… 1, 2, 3. Edge wins!

The hometown job policy is ROCK SOLID. I guess Edge is jobbing in Toronto, then. Vince really must hate us. Seriously. We see some great camera angles on the replay… This match was painful for the first 65%, then got good. They really gotta shore up that first half, though. That shit stinks.

Winner: Edge

OVERALL: Don’t buy this show. Not on PPV, not on DVD. Nothing really happened. It’s all fading from memory as we speak. TNA’s Hard Justice was actually BETTER. A TWOOO out of FIVE.