The Name on the Marquee: NWA World Championship Wrestling (3.22.1986)

-Cold open: Sam Houston defending the Mid-Atlantic Title against Black Bart and going for the pin…but the referee is unconscious.

-Originally aired March 22, 1986.

-Your hosts are David Crockett & Tony Schiavone. They announce that, you guessed it, Black Bart is the new Mid-Atlantic Champion.

-The Rock & Roll Express is here, and they’re feeling pretty optimistic about their future, with a chance at a million dollars in the Crockett Cup and a re-match against the Midnight Express to get their belts back. Ricky Morton casually mentions that the only reason Ric Flair likes to surround himself with pretty women is so he has someone to keep him company when he dozes off.

“Boogie Woogie Man” JIMMY VALIANT vs KENT GLOVER
-Valiant struts over to the commentary table and asks if Weasel Jones has been spotted yet. He heads in quickly, tosses Glover outside, and posts him. Valiant dedicates a thumb to the throat to Paul Jones the Weasel, and the fans chant “Weasel.” That nickname for Paul Jones bothers me and I think I figured out why. Bobby Heenan WAS a weasel. He would trash-talk managers and suck up to them, he’d sign his men to bad contracts and then try to avoid being called out for it, he’d sign matches and then look for ways to back out of them. Paul Jones is a bad guy but he’s an up-front bad guy, he’s not really a weasel.

-And while you ponder that, Valiant finishes with the elbow.

-Ron Garvin is here after wrestling a series of rematches against Ric Flair. He says every one of their rematches has gone to a one-hour draw, and he’s tired of Flair running from him. WTF, Ron? A series of one-hour draws sounds like a guy who’s done exactly the opposite of running from you. Anyway, he challenges Ric Flair to a cage match, to stop the outside interference that’s cost him the title every time…in time-limit draws.

-We go back to the Sam Houston/Black Bart matches. Referee has been out cold through two attempted pinfalls by Sam Houston. Black Bart tosses him outside, and then hits the compactor to win the Mid-Atlantic Title…That’s interesting. Sam Houston really just had crappy luck and Bart won it relatively cleanly.

-Jim Cornette gripes about the Midnight Express, the CHAMPS, being #3 seeded in the Crockett Cup. The Road Warriors think they rule the wrestling world but you know what? Dinosaurs ruled the world, too, and they had brains the size of walnuts and went extinct. The Road Warriors had a brain scan recently and all that came up on the machine was a test pattern.

MIDNIGHT EXPRESS (World Tag Team Champions, with Jim Cornette) vs RAY TRAYLOR & PHIL BROWN
-Midnights double-team Traylor until he backs Eaton into the corner, and both Midnights quickly back away from him. Commentators explain that the Crockett Cup is “an offense-based tournament” in which only wins count and you can’t advance by losing a match via count-out or DQ, therefore the Road Warriors were number-one seed because they’re the most consistently offensive team in the NWA. I feel like “Because” would have been a more reasonable explanation.

-Condrey backs Traylor into the corner with a choke, but Traylor kicks him away and tags Brown in. Eaton slams Brown down and then wipes all of Phil Brown’s filth off of him before coming off the top rope with an elbow drop. Traylor tags back in and applies a side headlock, but Eaton breaks out with a back suplex on “575-fat slob” Ray Traylor. Cornette’s commentary is just peerless this week.

-Condrey tags in and chokes Traylor over the top rope so Cornette can run over and taunt “Crisco Lard” Traylor with the title belts. Brown tags back in and attempts stick & move tactics, but the Express just hammers him down to the mat and slaps away at him. Condrey throws Brown out of the ring so Eaton can catch him, but then Eaton develops a bad cough and misses Brown. He helps Brown back in the ring and then rocket launches on top to finish him. If I didn’t know that story about Ray Traylor that I shared a few weeks ago, I wouldn’t give this match an extra thought, but knowing the backstage stuff, you could definitely tell here that they were looking for something to do with him at this point.

-We now have the official announcement of the remaining 14 teams in the Crockett Cup:
Wahoo McDaniel & Mark Youngblood
Black Bart & Gorgeous Jimmy Garvin
Hector & Chavo Guerrero
Barbarian & Baron Von Raschke
Buzz Sawyer & Rick Steiner
Jimmy Valiant & Ragin’ Bull
The Fabulous Ones
The Fantastics
Nelson Royal & Sam Houston
Bill Dundee & Buddy Landell
Bobby Jaggers & Mike Miller
Batten Twins
Koko B. Ware & Italian Stallion
Brett Sawyer & David Peterson
-Have you ever seen a more visible cliff of star power?

LEO BURKE vs DON GRAVES
-Burke stomps a Canadian mudhole into Graves, then picks him back up for a back suplex. He takes Graves into the corner and drapes a leg over the ropes to target Graves’ thigh. Piledriver looks to finish, but Graves lifts him at two. Anti-climactic foot to the face ends up finishing.

-Gorgeous Jimmy Garvin & Precious are here. Tony tells them that Wahoo is in the building today, but Jimmy breathlessly tells him that he just chased that old man out of the building. What a pathetic coward!

-After the commercial, we get an announcement that Leo Burke apparently was not aware that piledrivers are illegal in the National Wrestling Alliance (and apparently the referee didn’t know either) so the promoters have officially reversed the decision and given the match to Don Graves. This would be a good opening for Leo Burke to come out and cut a promo, but he doesn’t. I don’t imagine Burke’s run in this company lasted all that long, did it?

GORGEOUS JIMMY GARVIN (with Precious) vs BILL MULKEY
-Garvin has been leaving his sparkly entrance pants on up to this point, and finally wrestles this week wearing his regular tights and a massive knee brace.

-Garvin clobbers Mulkey and yells “I don’t see no Indian!” He struts around and applies the rear chinlock and chops away at Mulkey, which the commentators interpret as a taunt because Wahoo is famous for his chops. Brainbuster finishes.

-Dusty Rhodes says Baby Doll isn’t here today because he sent her to Philadelphia to personally make sure that cage is getting delivered to the arena for the match with Arn Anderson. He veers over to Ric Flair. People are already headed to New Orleans and started tailgating a month early for the Crockett Cup. He tells Flair to sleep with the belt as much as he can, because the morning after the Crockett Cup, it’s going to be in Dusty’s bed. Dusty will presumably have a massive red imprint of the belt on the side of his stomach as a result.

WAHOO MCDANIEL vs BOB OWENS
-Weird moment viewing this from 2016, with David Crockett excitedly announcing “The Chief is HERE!”

-Wahoo applies a hammerlock, then takes Owens down and just lays on top of him…for a while, and it’s awkward how long the commentators go without talking because Wahoo’s giving them nothing to talk about. Camera cuts to a shot of LSU coach Dale Brown before cutting back to Wahoo connecting with a hard chop for three. Wahoo’s a legend, but everything about him at this point just smacks of “old guy.”

-Tony Schiavone welcomes guest CRAIG SAGER! Holy crap! Craig and Coach Dale Brown discuss the officiating at the last LSU basketball game, and Coach Brown recommends that one of the referees for that game be assigned to officiate Nikita Koloff’s next match. That’s a GREAT line and it’s more organic than shoehorning a celebrity guest into a RAW segment to plug a TV show, and the guest fits in as well as a woman trying to sit between two fat guys on a bus.

-Paul Jones walks in with Teijo Khan & Baron Von Raschke. He says European wrestlers are the best wrestlers in the world, which is why he prefers to manage European talent, like Teijo Khan of Singapore. He promises that he’s going to have a surprise for Jimmy Valiant next week.

BARON VON RASCHKE & TEIJO KHAN (with Paul Jones) vs ITALIAN STALLION & TONY ZANE
-Stallion gets off to a good start, rolling Khan up for two right away and then going to work on the arm. Bruisey McWelts tags in and gets shoulderblocked down, which causes one of his lacerations to swell. Zane gets his face rammed into Raschke’s knee. Raschke tags in and lightly taps away in a punch-like fashion. Dropkick by the Stallion merely staggers Raschke, as Crockett plays up how hard it is to knock six-foot 230-pound-at-best Baron Von Raschke off his feet. Okay, seriously, why do I feel like I’m the only person who can actually SEE Baron Von Raschke?

-Zane gets tossed out to the floor and Jones absolutely lays into Zane with punches and a post shot. Referee is preoccupied by Raschke strangling the Stallion on the opposite side of the ring. Zane makes it back in, and Khan powerslams him. Raschke tags back in and finishes with the claw.

-Ric Flair is here, which has a bunch of pretty young women across this country wondering why they woke up alone this morning. He’s on his way to the Crockett Cup to defend the most coveted trophy in all of professional sports, and the oddsmakers are sayin’ Ric Flair is going down. But the pressure is really on Dusty Rhodes, because this is his LAST SHOT AT THE BELT. If he fails at the Superdome, all he’s gonna see for the foreseeable future is the backside of the champ. And Ricky Morton, shut your mouth and go back to your teenybopper fans with their training underwear, woo!

-Tony welcomes newcomer Joe “Nighthawk” Coletrain. He’s honored to come to the NWA for the opportunity to represent his race. Jim Cornette interrupts and complains about “Joe College” holding up the show with a boring promo. Nighthawk actually apologizes for taking Cornette’s interview time and walks off. Cornette then gives the camera a hilarious blank stare for a few seconds, then shakes Tony’s hands and says, “I’ll see you later.” That was like something out of The Office. One of the good seasons.

ROCK & ROLL EXPRESS vs LARRY CLARKE & PAUL GARNER
-Robert Gibson works the arm of Larry Clarke. Ricky Morton comes in with a really awkward waistlock takedown on Garner. Gibson quickly tags in before Morton really does anything else and applies a side headlock. Morton tags back in and applies a chinlock. This match just keeps getting weirder as Gibson tags back in and holds Garner in place for a double team move; Morton just STARES with his jaw hanging open for a moment, then gets out of the ring without doing anything. And then Gibson…it’s like Gibson doesn’t even realize Morton got out of the ring so he just stands there and holds Garner for an extra bit, then just puts him down. Double dropkick finishes, and hopefully there’s some aspirin and black coffee waiting for the Express in the locker room.

-Ric Flair is back, and we start with an extreme close-up of the big gold belt that reveals that, in fact, his name was originally spelled “Rick” on the custom plaque. He declares The National Champion & The TV Champion to be the odds-on favorites for the Crockett Cup tournament, woo! Ric Flair DEMANDS that we go to the ring and see why.

TULLY BLANCHARD & ARN ANDERSON (with JJ Dillon) vs MIKE SIMANI & RON ROSSI
-Flair sticks around for commentary while Tully rams Simani into Arn’s knee. Arn fluidly tags in and works the leg over, Arn working at a noticeably faster pace when he’s with Tully. Tully tags back in and applies a stepover toehold with one hand behind his back. Arn tags back in and keeps mangling the leg. Flair abruptly changes the subject to the Rock & Roll Express, and the commentators finally ask why Flair is so hung up on those guys. Is it jealousy? Of course not! Flair got to touch some double-D’s last night! Woo!

-Arn & Tully do a move like the decapitator, except with a knee instead of an elbow drop, and Arn finishes with a Gourdbuster off the top rope. Rossi never tagged in. These guys just had INSTANT chemistry.

-Tony Schiavone welcomes Wahoo McDaniel. He says that when he entered the building, Garvin was out in the parking lot and he had to be dragged back in by security for his match earlier in the show. He says he’s ready to sign whatever contract Garvin wants.

MAGNUM T.A. (United States Champion) vs DAVE DILLINGER
-Armdrags by Magnum just to mix it up before the BELLY-TO-BELLY I KNEW IT HAD TO HAPPEN causes David Crockett to have a terrifying orgasm and end the match.

-After the match, Wahoo tells Magnum that he has his strap, Dusty has his bullrope, and they’re on Magnum’s side if Magnum runs into any more trouble with the Horsemen. Wahoo gives Magnum a nice rub, saying he’s on Magnum’s side in this war because he’s taken that belly-to-belly before, and he doesn’t ever want to feel that move again.

-Tony welcomes “2/3 of the six-man tag team champions” and that title is just getting ridiculous because their partner has been missing for damn near this entire calendar year and even the guy they introduced as his replacement isn’t linked to them anymore. Nikita says that Dusty & Wahoo might have straps & ropes, but if that fight happens, he’s bringing a chain for Maggot T.A.

IVAN KOLOFF (with Nikita Koloff) vs ROCKY KERNODLE
-Kernodle tries to work the arm, but he gets hammered down and whipped from corner to corner. Sunset flip attempt by Rocky gets a one-count and Ivan is so surprised that he backs off for a moment before resuming offense.

-Koloff goes back to work with fists and a biel throw. Chokehold by Ivan and an Irish whip while Tony and David talk about all the great tag team matches on the afternoon Crockett Cup card. There’s not a big enough jar of polish for that turd, I’m sorry.

-Kernodle is thrown out to the floor and Nikita sickles him behind the referee’s back, allowing Uncle Ivan to get an easy threesy.

-Gorgeous Jimmy is back to say that he’s conquered a lot of wrestlers in his career, but Wahoo is going to take some extra effort because he’s such a coward because it’s hard to catch up with a foe who runs away all the time.

-Corny is back again to wish happy anniversary to the Road Warriors, who are celebrating the tenth anniversary of their eighth year of sixth grade. Nighthawk comes back and says he didn’t want to make trouble earlier because he’s still new around here, but listening to Cornette mouth off for the past two hours has made Nighthawk understand what the deal is around here, and he warns Cornette to get out of his face. Midnight Express comes out to come to Corny’s defense, but the Rock & Roll is there half a second later, and Cornette’s crew runs off.

RON GARVIN vs BRODIE CHASE
-Garvin pretzels Chase and stomps on his gut with both feet. Chops and back rakes by Garvin, followed by the abdominal stretch. 1500 miles north, Gorilla Monsoon’s Nitpicky-Sense is tingling. Garvin slaps Chase while holding him in the stretch, which is a nice added bit. Chase tries gouging the eyes to turn the tide, but Garvin backdrops him and calmly knocks him out with the hands of stone.

-Tully, Arn, and JJ are back. Going to the gym and practicing a hard punch over and over in hopes of getting a title shot isn’t nearly as rewarding as picking up a nice soft cloth and rubbing it against the title belt to shine it up and think about all the victories you already have. Arn wonders how pathetic Dusty Rhodes must be to be the number-one contender for three major titles but somehow not have any of them?

3.9

The final score: review Bad

The 411

This is YOUR week if you're into old guys with crappy-looking offense.

But more than that, I think this is the week where I'm really starting to become aware of a phenomenon that I can only describe as the Vortex of Dusty, where instead of an ensemble cast of characters, the roster is becoming a group of guys who occasionally become distracted from whatever Dusty-related duties they have to tend to.

-Magnum is feuding with Nikita, but first Magnum has to hype his upcoming house show matches with Dusty.

-Wahoo comes in for a feud with Jimmy Garvin but ALSO has to pledge his support to Dusty and Magnum for six-man matches.

-Arn holds a title belt and is feuding with Dusty.

-Tully holds a title belt and is ALSO feuding with Dusty.

-Ric Flair is actually defending his belt against Dusty.

-Paul Jones has explicitly stated in previous weeks that his army is a long-term mission to get to Dusty Rhodes, since Jimmy Valiant is a close friend of Dusty.

-Remember, we're still three years away from the period where I actually actively began watching, so these shows are all unchartered territory for me but...this is gonna get worse, right?