Movies & TV / Reviews
Mojave Diamonds Review
Image Credit: Lionsgate Home Entertainment
Loading...Mojave Diamonds Review
Donald “Cowboy” Cerrone– Roy Mason
Chael Sonnen– Joe Mason
Quinton “Rampage” Jackson– Julian
Chris Maher– Danny Mason
Weston Cage Coppola– Paulie
Tamas Nadas– Detective David Johnson
William McNamara– Jason David
(check out the rest of the cast here)
Directed by Asif Akbar
Screenplay by Asif Akbar
Distributed by Lionsgate Home Entertainment
Rated R for violence, pervasive language, and some sexual content
Runtime– 91 minutes
Buy it here. The movie is also available via digital and On Demand.
Mojave Diamonds, written and directed by Asif Akbar, is a new low budget action flick that features multiple MMA fighters in its cast and one weird as hell performance by the son of an actor known for his own weird as hell performances. It’s also sorely lacking in hand-to-hand action scenes, which would seem like a given considering the cast. Mojave Diamonds still has quite a bit to offer low budget action movie fans, despite its issues.
Mojave Diamonds stars Donald “Cowboy” Cerrone as Roy Mason, a retired professional MMA fighter turned truck driver who still manages to fight in underground MMA brawls for extra money (and, presumably, the thrill of beating the shit out of someone). After losing a fight and costing notorious mobster Julian (Quinton “Rampage” Jackson) a sizeable amount of money, Julian “hires” Roy to transport fifty million dollars worth of diamonds into Mexico (Julian also shoots Roy’s girlfriend in the head right in front of him). Because Roy is perpetually broke and in too deep he can’t say no to Julian and agrees to participate in the haul. Before doing the job, Roy heads home to see his brothers Joe (Chael Sonnen) and Danny (Chris Maher) on the family ranch in an attempt to reconnect with Joe and Danny (Roy is essentially estranged from his brothers and their family because of his sad trucker/broken down gambler/MMA fighter lifestyle). The family reunion, though, doesn’t go as planned, and a huge argument ensues. Joe wants nothing to do with Roy, while Danny is willing to give him a second chance. Roy asks Danny if he would like to come with him on his drive into Mexico and Danny agrees. Roy doesn’t tell Danny about the illegal diamond load, though. As far as Danny knows, it’s just another totally legitimate truck driving job.
So then some stuff happens, Roy and Danny hit the road, and they start to reconnect. Roy gets a call about a fight and takes Danny with him. The fight, amazingly, goes well (Roy actually wins), and Danny sees that Roy’s life on the road isn’t quite as bad as Joe told him it was. The next day, Roy stops for gas at a gas station and the gas station is attacked by heavily armed masked men. In the ensuing chaos and violence, the masked men steal Roy’s truck and haul off down the road. Roy steals the gas station owner’s truck (it’s okay because the gas station owner is blown away by the masked men) and gives chase (Danny goes along, too, although his new positive opinion of his brother disappears quickly). Roy finds what remains of his truck on the side of the road and sees that the thieves removed the diamonds from the trailer.
Holy hooey. The diamonds are gone. Who the hell stole them? And what the hell is Roy going to tell Julian?
So then a bunch of stuff happens: the police investigate the massacre at the gas station (the great Tamas Nadas pops in here as a local police detective), Roy and Danny camp out in the desert while trying to get back to the Mason homestead while avoiding the police, Julian finds out about Roy’s truck and freaks out (because of course he does. He’s a violent mobster. It’s what those guys do), Julian sends his goons to kidnap Joe’s family at the Mason family ranch, Joe loses his shit when he comes home to find his house ransacked and his wife and children missing, and when Roy and Danny finally make it back to the Mason house the Mason brothers decide to attack Julian and his criminal organization head on to get their family back. See, the Mason family is chock full of military veterans (Danny is some sort of active duty military) and they know how to use the arsenal of weaponry that Joe has stashed on the Mason family property. So they ready themselves for war.
Mojave Diamondstakes its time to get to where it wants to go, which is both a good thing and a bad thing. It’s a good thing when we get to see, through Roy and Danny, the generally seedy life that Roy lives while on the road hauling things and engaging in underground MMA fight for rich people. You come away from these scenes shocked that Roy hasn’t been shot in the head like his girlfriend. On one hand, Roy has a reputation for being tough and getting his hauls where they need to go. On the other hand, Roy is also one of those guys who when he does fuck things up fucks them up big time. You would think that he would have found a way to get out of the underground MMA fighting world after losing a few fights but he can’t stay away. Hell, you’d think that after getting injured while fighting professionally he would have realized that he isn’t indestructible and can lose. This is all interesting and infuriating at the same time. The movie’s deliberate strategy falters when it moves away from the sleaze and the Mason family drama to focus on the police investigation which just isn’t that interesting. Yes, Tamas Nadas is a terrific screen presence and you want to see him do something, but the movie really doesn’t have him do anything beyond observe and investigate of screen. Why doesn’t Nadas’s Detective David Johnson join in on the violence against Julian’s criminal gang?
The movie’s slow moments are mitigated a bit by Weston Cage Coppola’s performance as Paulie, Julian’s main henchman. From his loud and shiny shirts to his bizarre accent (is Paulie supposed to be some sort of Eastern European mafia guy? Is he just presenting himself as that kind of guy? It’s weird and fascinating at the same time). And I think you will be shocked how Paulie figures into the movie’s ending. I know I didn’t see what happens coming.
I would like to know why Mojave Diamonds isn’t full of brutal hand-to-hand brawls. With Donald Cerrone, Chael Sonnen, and Rampage Jackson getting top billing you’d think they would all throw down on one another after beating the absolute shit out of various morons who want to fight them. Cerrone’s Roy does fight a few times but his fights are nothing special. Sonnen gets to run around and shoot guns and kill bad guys, which isn’t as exciting as it should be (it’s all in the sound design. Sonnen’s guns sound exactly like everyone else’s guns. Where’s the personality?). Sonnen should be destroying arms, destroying legs, and snapping necks while also shooting bad guys. Jackson gets to engage in some unhinged violence (he likes to throw bowling balls at the testicles of people he doesn’t like), but why doesn’t he just murder someone with his bare hands? It just makes no sense to me to have three top name MMA fighters in your movie and not have them just fucking maul people. Did the production just not have enough time to do that kind of thing?
I will say that Cerrone has a cool screen presence. You totally buy him as a guy who is “down on his luck” and too much of a fuckup to stop fucking up. He also manages to ooze a quiet violence that, in the right movie, could be breathtaking. Chael Sonnen is hilarious as Joe Mason. It’s almost like Sonnen is doing a parody of an unhinged Gary Busey who is trying really hard to tone his performance down but can’t quite do it. Jackson doesn’t try to hold back as crime boss Julian, and for the most part it works. You kind of wish the movie had more of him in it (again, why isn’t he just murdering people with his bare hands? That seems like a no brainer). The only performance that’s lacking is Chris Maher as Danny, and it’s not because Maher is a bad actor or trying hard enough. Danny just doesn’t fit in with the other characters in the story. He’s too much of a good guy next to Cerrone and Sonnen and you kind of wish he had a bigger personality. Maher just can’t stand out next to his co-stars.
Mojave Diamonds is decent enough. It has some weird and interesting performances and has enough action to satisfy low budget action movie fans. It should have had more hand-to-hand fighting in it, though. I can’t stress this enough: why put three top notch MMA fighters in your action movie and not have them just destroy people in multiple hand-to-hand brawls? That just makes no sense to me. Mojave Diamonds is worth checking out, though, despite its shortcomings.
So, yeah, see Mojave Diamonds.
So what do we have here?
Dead bodies: At least 30.
Explosions: None.
Nudity?: None.
Doobage: A car-to-car shootout in the desert, deer hunting, underground MMA fighting hooey, sex before a fight, glass bottle to the face, a serious ass kicking, attempted suffocation via plastic bag over the head, bullet to the head, a business arrangement, diamonds, talk of lasagna, mild homophobia that’s also oddly funny, motorcycle riding in the desert, horse farm bullshit, some really weird back and forth acting, a family argument, more underground MMA fighting, a serious body scissors, bottles of iced tea, a need for refueling, truck stop bathroom hooey, masked men with machine guns, dipshit with a shotgun, a full on assault, truck stealing, bowling ball thrown into a guy’s testicles, police investigation hooey, impromptu desert camping, nose punching, a ransacked house, a total lack of breakfast, a hidden armory, a super jeep, face punching, mild bondage, sound suppressor hooey, sniper hooey, multiple headshots, a quick hand-to-hand brawl, body armor hooey, a lead pipe wrapped in barbed wire, a flashback story about a diamond mine, more sniper hooey, some serious neck breaking, helicopter hooey, serious throat slitting, the promise of prison, and horse riding.
Kim Richards? Attempted, in a way.
Gratuitous: Deer hunting, Chael Sonnen, Donald “Cowboy” Cerrone, a stock drone shot of Las Vegas at night, Quinton “Rampage” Jackson, sex before a fight, rich people wearing masks, men calling a woman a bitch, pure, uncut diamonds, Army welders, women baking Christmas cookies, a horse eating a carrot, Australian guy hooey, an underground MMA fighter named Big Duke, Quinton “Rampage” Jackson throwing a bowling ball at a guy’s testicles, phone booth hooey, Tamas Nadas, Tamas Nadas as a cop, a booze flask, Chael Sonnen singing, “Dickhead, you’re with me,” an argument about who is supposed to clean stuff up, Roman Empire bullshit, a guy killing hot women for no reason, weird family stuff, a flashback story about a diamond mine, helicopter hooey, and horse riding.
Best lines: “Oh, for fuck’s sake, Roy!,” “He’s coming. Literally,” “That the best you got, J.D.?,” “Roy, Roy, Roy, oh, Roy, what am I going to do with you?,” “Look, motherfucker, do I have to spoon-feed this conversation to you?,” “Three hundred channels and nothing to watch,” “What the hell, Joe? Why can’t you be the bigger man?,” “Mason brothers! On the road!,” “You know politicians?,” “Roy? I heard of your bitch ass,” “This shit you’re transporting legal?,” “Don’t mind them, they’re just… just working,” “Not today assholes!,” “Okay, Roy, what the fuck is in that truck and who the fuck were those guys? Roy, why the fuck are we getting shot at?,” “Asshole! Tell me what the fuck is going on!,” “This guy got some balls, I tell you that,” “Right in the nuts!,” “Welcome back home to papa bear,” “I’m never riding with you again,” “Have some breakfast and coffee. We have a long day ahead,” “Where’s my diamonds, motherfucker?,” “What the fuck did you get us into, Roy?,” “If I were a criminal this would be a great place to hide out,” “I deserve that,” “Oh, God! Guys!,” “Dickhead, you’re with me!,” “Easy, stupid! Hey, big guy!,” “You see, Roy, nobody fucks with me!,” “Shut up! This is sexy!,” “Whoa! Whoa! I want to go to Hawaii with these guys!,” “Oh, prison! I’m not scared of shit, bro,” and “Mason brothers, back together again.”
