The Slasher Movie Encyclopedia: Freddy’s Dead – The Final Nightmare

Greetings, all.

I hope you, the beautiful people, the funkiest of the funky cats, are having a damn good day.

I’m mobbing on some McChickens, listening to Something To Wrestle With [XFL episode], and finishing up this very article.

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Alright, enough of the preamble, let’s get to it….

We start off with some kid on a plane, not having the best time, as he gets promptly sucked out of it and wakes up in bed. However, his house is also falling, and what do we get? Freddy at his window, dressed like a witch, quoting The Wizard of Oz. Literally the same Freddy who less than 10 years prior was the scariest thing in movies. Well, he’s then hit by a bus that Freddy is driving, and sends him into Springwood, but in the real world. I have ZERO fucking clue how that’s even possible.

We cut to some kid Spencer who’s dad is yelling at him, for whatever reason. They’re in some shelter for wayward kids that should literally be condemned and the people who built it arrested, because they have kids playing TIGER ELECTRONIC HAND-HELD VIDEO GAMES! Capital punishment for all involved, and if you’ve ever played one, you’ll understand that capital punishment is probably not a big enough penalty.
We then meet the rest of the gang. Tracy, who can’t throw a proper punch to save her life, and Carlos, a kid with a hearing aid. There’s a head counselor, and she’s the a-typical “cool” adult in these types of horror films who believes the teenagers and yada yada. Anyway, the kid from the beginning has amnesia, so he’s known as John Doe. He gets taken to the center, and meets Maggie. After some discussion, she decides he needs to go to Springwood to jumpstart his memory. Well, on the drive there they discover that Carlos, Tracy, and Spencer snuck in the van. They end up in Springwood, at some fair, where there’s like 5 adults, and no kids. Oh, and Tom Arnold & Roseanne. As I’m watching this, I’m thinking “Man, someone was clearly influenced by Twin Peaks” and just then Carlos goes “We’re in Twin Peaks”. Well, Maggie sends them on their way with the van, while she and John check the place out. They can’t manage to find their way back, despite the fact we saw a sign that said Springwood was 3 miles away.
So, Maggie and John head into the high school, and there’s some random teacher, teaching to an empty class. This movie doesn’t exist in reality, whatsoever, and is such a Twin Peaks rip off. Oh, and I want Tracy to die in the worst way. She’s the most obnoxious character I’ve EVER seen in one of these movies. Well, they can’t seem to find their way back, so they just hold up inside a random house, which of course turns out to be Nancy’s house. Carlos is the first to fall asleep, and I’ll give them credit, Freddy isn’t funny here, so much as he is sadistic. He jams a giant q-tip into Carlos’ ear, which would hurt like a motherfucker. Of course, they IMMEDIATELY ruin it by having him now be def, causing Freddy to run around behind him like Bugs fucking Bunny, jumping and screaming. Carlos then gets his hearing back, but it’s a super amplified. They do the pin-drop gag, and then he makes Carlos’ head explode by scraping his claws on a chalk board. Yes, what I just typed really happened.

Spencer gets stoned, falls asleep, and gets sucked into an episode of Nick Arcade. Freddy has the remote control, which he uses to make Spencer run all around the house and punch the walls…this…is…so…fucking…stupid. Seriously, I may sue someone over this. This is painful. Also, how come in this one whenever they fall asleep they get sucked into the dream world? But then all of a sudden they aren’t in the dream world, physically. Serious, I’m hiring a lawyer tomorrow over this.
OK, so, they try to save Spencer, they being Tracy & John, however, Freddy has the Power Glove, because of course. So, Spencer dies, and they all decide to get out of there. On the drive back, John, whom we think is Freddy’s child, dies. How, you may ask? He falls a great distance, and before he lands, Freddy rolls a bed of spikes out. Oh, I get it. I’m dreaming, and this is Freddy punishing me, right?!

Maggie & Tracey head back to the center, and people are acting as if they’ve never heard of any of them. Now, of course, for no reason,t he head counselor at the center has a PHD in dreams or something, and literally knows EVERYTHING that is going on, because Morgan Freeman hadn’t really been invented then, and we needed exposition for all this obnoxiousness. So, Maggie has a dream and we see she’s Freddy’s daughter, and was witness to Freddy killing her mother.
Tracey has a dream in which she fights Freddy, and when she realizes she’s no match, she puts her arms in fire to wake up. I love how this movie just randomly makes up shit about the mythos. Because as they’re stating, she can wake herself up by putting her hands in fire and feeling the pain, but Carlos can’t wake up when his head is exploding? Is it minor pain that wakes you up? Is this movie telling me that the key to defeating Freddy is just to stub my cold toe on a steel bed-frame when I want to wake up?
After all that non-sense, the center’s head honcho, the doctor, who just so happens to be a sleep & dream expert, has an encounter with Freddy. What does Freddy do upon first introduction? Does he elongate his arms and tell the doctor that his glove is God? No. Does he pull off his skin to reveal a pulsing brain? No. HE DOES A FUCKING CARTWHEEL AND A SPIN KICK! I repeat, HE DOES A FUCKING CARTWHEEL AND A SPIN KICK! We’re past law-suit at this point, I’m so deeply offended by all this I’m gonna have to call my local Special Victims Unit or something to that affect. Anyway…the doc gets a piece of Freddy’s clothing, and of course we do the whole “Hey, let’s pull him into our world” kinda thing….he did a FUCKING CARTWHEEL AND A SPIN KICK! I’m absolutely traumatized.
So, Maggie goes into the dream world, and because the 3rd act was in 3D, they shoe-horn in the cue to put them on by the doctor giving her some stupid 3D glasses and basically saying “you’ll need these to fight him, they can be whatever you want in the dream world!”. It’s so hokey, and feels so out of place. I can only imagine how that pitch went.

New Line Exec: OK, so, we need to give people a que as to when the glaces get put on.
New Line Exec 2: Wouldn’t they know by the fact the screen would look funny?
New Line Exec: Shut the hell up. Oh, man, what if the doctor also says something like “But the 3D glasses won’t do! Because in the dream world, you get hella thirsty, and the only way to battle an unimaginable thirst is with the help of Gatorade! Dream Warriorade! And Freddy’s at his most powerful when you’re hungry, so when you enter the dream world, head to the dream concession area and pick up a box of Junior Mints for $10! Freddy hates minty-freshness!”

Well, she enters Freddy’s mind, and the dream demons, the ones who gave him his power, they honest to God look like paper mache’ sperm. This is what gave Freddy his power? These assholes look like the type to get excited for the Value Pack of coupons in the mail, not some beings that give you incredible powers. As we go through his memories, which are all horribly acted and written, we see that as the parents were burning him alive, the dream demons came to him, as Freddy said he “wants it all”. Whats WHAT? I mean, there is ZERO exposition here. How the hell did Freddy summon them? Did he summon them? Did they just show up? The last thing I’m doing is telling some unknown, other-worldly entity that I “want it all”, for all they know, to them, “all” could be violent, gang-style rape, and then all of a sudden I’ve got all I can eat of prison style gang rape.

This movie is making me hate life. OK, so they have a very lame, very pathetic battle, that is so hokey and inane. Basically, Freddy gets hit with a bunch of weapons, before being blown up with a pipe bomb. And that’s it.

Official Slasher Movie Encyclopedia Tally:
Killed: 3
Swear: 18
Boobs: 0
Slow Motion Scenes: 0
Foot Chases: 0
Fake-Out Scares [ie, a cat]: 0
Car Stalling: No
Instances of Drugs/Drinking/Sex: Yes
Warned But No Belief: Yes

Box-Office Business:
Costing $11 million dollars to make, Freddy’s Dead was released on September 13th, 1991. It opened at #1, and at the end of it’s run made a domestic total of $34,827,033

Things You Need To Know In Order To Survive:
There was an original script written by Peter Jackson where in the future, no one is afraid of Freddy. In fact, kids would take sleeping pills just to dream and beat the shit out of Freddy.

This was the first movie that New Line Cinema ever produced in 3D.

Apparently John Doe is suppose to be Jacob from Part 5, but when they couldn’t get Lisa Wilcox again, this was left vague.

The only entry in the series where Freddy doesn’t kill someone with his glove.

Final Rating:
In my summary review for Dream Child, I said “Wow, I thought Freddy’s Dead was bad”. I had no idea what I was talking about. This movie is ATROCIOUS. The irony of their title “we saved the best for last” is unbelievable. Not only is this the worst entry in the series, but it’s one of the worst horror movies I’ve ever seen. Freddy isn’t Freddy, he acts like Bugs Bunny, he’s a fucking cartoon. There are no real likable characters, they’re extremely bland, with Tracy being the most annoying out of the entire franchise. So many things don’t make sense, the mythos is changed at the whim of a scene, characters just happen to know things for the sake of plot advancement, and it’s just a boring, lame-duck, God-awful movie. I’m glad that the director Rachel was able to work her way up and everything, and Robert is great as always, but this movie is just SO. DAMN. BAD.
0.5 Head-Butts Out Of 5

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