Movies & TV / Columns

The Slasher Movie Encyclopedia: Hatchet

October 17, 2020 | Posted by Caliber Winfield
Hatchet Victor Crowley

Greetings, all!

It’s been a minute, I know, but hey, how can you miss me if I don’t go away?

As always when I return, I do come baring gifts, and this time it’s in the form of my wrestling podcast, Doomed In The Dungeon. I know, you’re thinking “there’s only 1 billion wrestling podcasts, there MUST be another!” Well, your prayers are answered! Check it on out here if you feel so inclined, and I hope you funky cats dig it.

Naturally, what better time for the return of the Slasher Movie Encyclopedia than October, and what better time to head into the swamps than now…..

HATCHETheader

We open up with a couple of red-necks out ‘gator hunting in the swamps of Louisina, a father & son duo. The father is played by Robert England, so hell yeah. He gets it off-screen, and when the son finds him, he’s literally torn in half for his troubles.

HATCHETfreddy

Meanwhile, in Mardigra, Ben, who’s been in a funk since losing his girl, and his friend Marcus, decide they wanna go on a haunted swamp boat tour. Well, Ben wants to, Marcus attends due to being a good friend. It’s ran by a shyster type dude, and along for the trip are a guy with a camcorder, Doug, 2 pornstar type chicks, a closed off woman named Mary-Beth, and a husband & wife couple, Jim & Janet. They head on out for the swamp tour, and we quickly learn that the guide doesn’t have a clue as to what he’s talking about, or where he’s going. This results in them getting stuck and having to dock.

HATCHETboat

We get the story of Victor Crowley at this point. He was disfigured, like Jason, and lived in the woods in a cabin with his dad, played by the always-awesome, Kane Hodder. One night some kids accidentally started a fire while taunting him at the cabin. They run, while Victor’s dad attempts to save him. Unfortunately, while attempting to chop the door down and save him, he accidentally chopped his son in the face. Hey, these things happen.

HATCHETcon

Once the gang is on land, they look to a shed for shelter. However, it’s Victor Crowley’s old house, unfortunately, and he’d already called dibs. He pops out WILDING. I mean, homie acts like he’s jumping out of a cake whenever he shows up. Serious, he comes out looking like he’s on a mechanical bull but it’s out of frame. He grabs Jim, and hacks him in half, before grabbing Janet by the head, with one hand grabbing her bottom jaw and the other hand on her upper, then rips her head open! It’s some crazy shit that comes out of nowhere, and is so awesome. Shapiro, the dude with the video camera, he gets his head twisted off for his troubles.

HATCHETgroup

The gang runs around, while Vic keeps popping up with different weapons. One of the pornstar chicks is snagged by Crowley, and his gas-powered belt-sander. He starts sanding off her lower-jaw when Ben comes to her rescue and clocks Crowley with a shovel, causing him to stop, but only to then re-direct his attention on the Asian dude who lead the tour. He promptly has his leg cut off with a shovel, followed by his head. The girl without a jaw is picked up, and impaled on the shovel’s handle. It’s at this point that I’m annoyed, because none of the remaining survivors immediately then told Ben:

Caliber: Uh, hey, just so we’re clear, if at any point Victor Crowley is using some awful device on me, please do not decide that you need to get him to stop, only to then RUN AWAY AND LEAVE ME TO DIE A VERY SLOW AND PAINFUL DEATH. I didn’t think that needed to be said, but, I just saw some poor girl get her lower-jaw belt-sandered off, only for Ben to come to her rescue by offering to fart in her face. If at any point Victor Crowley attempts to bend me in half and make me eat my own balls, please do not save me after one ball is already in my mouth.

It’s Marcus, Ben, and Mary-Beth left. They’re chased by Victor through a cemetery until he’s able to catch Marcus and rip his arms off before smashing his head into a tomb. Ben & Mary-Beth take off, and some how think they’ve stopped Crowley with an iron rod ramed through his chest. Yes, seriously. How stupid are these people? They absolutely deserve what they get. An iron rod….AN IRON ROD? Hey, we can rest easy everyone, I snagged Victor Crowley square in the face with an arrow from my NERF Bow & Arrow!

They get into a boat, but sure enough Victor shows up to bring all types of fuckery, and that’s when we cut to black. Fin.

Official Slasher Movie Encyclopedia Tally:
Killed:12
Swear: 22
Boobs: 6
Foot Chases: 1
Fake-Out Scares [ie, a cat]: 1
Car Stalling: No
Instances of Drugs/Drinking/Sex: Yes
Warned But No Belief: Yes

Things You Need To Know In Order To Survive:
Director Adam Green allowed CGI to be used in post-production simply for removing wires and such, as he wanted all the other effects to be practical.

Funny enough, after I watched this movie for the article, I watched an awesome little film known as The Wishmaster, which also features Tony Todd, Kane Hodder, and Robert Englund.

Final Rating:
Fun. That’s literally the best word I can think of to describe Hatchet. Until it came along, it’d been a decade since Scream came along and breathed life back into the slasher genre, and it’d been a decade since Hollywood then ruined it by pumping out the same crap for years after. Adam Green stepped up and helped to deliver one of the best slashers in the last 20 years, a love letter to the genre and the fans. The effects are all practical, amazing, and insanely grousome, sending us back to the glory days of Savini in the 80’s. Hatchet never dilly-dallies, especially once Crowley shows up. If you’re a horror fan, especially a slasher fan, then get your ass to the swamp, buckshot….the sequels however? Eh.
**3/4 Head-Butts Out Of 5

Any questions, comments, drunk-ramblings, feel free to send them my way, I always dig hearing from you, the beautiful people.
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