wrestling / TV Reports

411’s NWA TNA Report 01.07.04

January 7, 2004 | Posted by Jack Daniels

NWA: TNA Wrestling — 1/7/04

— TNA Recapper Jack Daniels here. Yes, my Christmas and New Year’s were fine, thanks for asking.

— Yes, I know none of you asked. It was just something common to say because I couldn’t think of anything particularly witty to write at the time I was typing that sentence. Heartless beasts. Except for Matt Faul, who gets BIG ups for pointing out where I could get Simon and Swinger’s theme music.

— Right off, I would like to say that, on further review, Tammy Sytch is right. My last review didn’t do justice to the 12/17 show (it didn’t even come _close_ to sucking the meat missile, and yes, you now know that this means I read Hyatte’s column — and even enjoy it, for the most part). See, I thought the rest of my review was fair (and yes, Michael Shane still bores the hell out of me, which may or may not be the point), but one paragraph of negativity brought on by shit going on in my life threw that all away. I promise, I’ll never do that again. Apologize, that is.

— And in another legal retraction, it’s been brought to my attention that I may have slandered the good names of the girls working at Seductions in Niagara Falls. This is the statement in question, from the 12/17 recap…

By the way, for the Buffalo area fans who inquired about it, TNA Pay-per-views can be seen at finer strip clubs in Niagara Falls. I suggest Seductions, personally, because almost every girl there will offer you a blowjob.

I would like to amend the statement to say that almost every girl at Seductions will offer you at least a blowjob, and many of them will have sex with you in the champagne room (oddly, in Canadian champagne rooms, there’s no champagne, but plenty of sex). Some will even let you blast all over their tits. I hope this clears up any misconceptions about the character of the people working there.

— And I need to pimp the axis of evil. Because evil is fun.

— SAMURAI CADAVER DOGS UPDATE: The Dogs are now a sterling 10-0, having handcuffed the Colorado Cradlerobbers and sheared 6-9 With The Afro down to about 6-2. The Goldbergs are on the plate for this week, and it would be in the bag if the newly signed PJ Brown didn’t come down with the flu. Damn flu virus.

— And now, since it’s been a while, the big mega mega recap of just where the hell we are in TNA.

The big story line for tonight is just who is going to challenge Jeff Jarrett for the NWA title. D’Lo, AJ, and Raven all lost their chance at the shot on 12/17, but Erik Watts said Jarrett must defend the title tonight. Sting is a possibility, I suppose, but I have no idea where they’re going to go with this one. Which is a good thing, I think. Kid Kash has been playing head lackey for Jarrett lately.

The Gathering finally pulled off their long-teased heel turn on Raven, costing Raven a shot at what he considers his destiny: The NWA Championship. Raven’s picked out a mystery partner for tonight to try to bring the Gathering to their final destination tonight.

Simon and Swinger, meanwhile, aborted a teased face turn to gain a shot at tag team champs the 3 Live Kru, who are supposed to debut another single tonight. I’m hoping it’s just another opportunity for Simon and Swinger to beat them down before they get to the second verse.

Ultimate X 2 will happen tonight, featuring Michael Shane, Low Ki, Christopher Daniels, and Chris Sabin. Elix Skipper is trying to put Triple X back together, but Low Ki is having none of it. It’s possible he will play a factor in the match, and I’m hoping Traci Withaneye (Tenay thinks that’s her last name, apparently) will get involved in some fashion, as well.

Have I mentioned that Traci has a hot ass? Because, y’know, that’s a very important angle development.

Mr. TNA for 2003 will be unveiled tonight. And will probably feature Jeff Jarrett smashing a trophy over AJ Styles’ head. Roddy Piper also has something to say, which we all know I mark out for.

— And WE’RE NOT DEAD YET from the TNA Medieval Times Arena in Nashville, TN and the 3-room palace in Buffalo, NY, where it is now 9 degrees farenheit, but with the wind chill, it feels like a balmy 72!

— By the way, the pregame show had some nice pre-produced packages hyping Raven’s feud with the Gathering and Ultimate X 2.

— And we get a TNA Anti-Piracy PSA from Mike Tenay! WOOOOO!

— Opening package has Jarrett pimping the “news that will shock the entire world” and doing his “with me or against me” thing. Cut to the Gathering’s conchairto on Raven and then Simon and Swinger’s win over D’Lo and AJ.

— And we get some black and white footage of the TNA Christmas Party, with a drunken Callis hitting on Goldilocks and trying to flex his power. Goldilocks tries to get away, until Callis starts talking money.

— Jarrett gives Kash a list to take around and get people to either commit to Jarrett or someone else. Also, Jarrett has some legal shenanigans to get Watts out of power, but he can’t reveal his big news.

— And we open the live portion of the show with 3 Live Kru doing their new single, and thankfully, they let Killings do most of the rapping, which is at least tolerable. T-minus 45 seconds until Simon and Swinger beatdown. Konnan needs to lose the Clippers shirt, unless he’s reppin’. Actually, this song isn’t awful. I mean, I don’t think 50 Cent has anything to worry about, but we’re not talking Vanilla Ice quality either. And they totally shock me by _not_ doing a run in during the song.

— New TNA Exploding Trophy open, and it ROCKS.

— Unfortunately, the shittiest theme music in the history of mankind hits, and out comes Jarrett in civvies, backed up by Don Callis and Kid Kash. Jarrett’s color coordination has been done by Don West, apparently. (grey shirt and grey tie) And the funny thing is, I bought that jacket at the Bon Ton for about $69. Speaking of that, “You suck dick!” chant for Jarrett as he goes on his egotistical monologue. Jarrett calls out tonight, and wants Tenay to announce him as Mr. TNA 2003. Then Jarrett calls out Watts and Goldilocks, saying he’s going to remove Watts, and the only question is whether it’s voluntarily or involuntarily. “Watts” chant? Apparently, something in the background of the people on the board will result in Watts getting exposed. ZZZZZZZZZZZ. Callis right up in the face of Watts. Watts says he’s not stepping down, and gets on New Year’s Resolutions for Callis, Kash and Jarrett, with the crowd playing along. And Watts’ resolution is to help Jeff Jarrett lose 10 pounds (aka the NWA title) this year. Jarrett says there’s no number 1 contender, then a masked man hits the ring, and takes out Jarrett. Jarrett gets tossed and beat up outside the ring, then tossed back in, but Jarrett runs before he can be beat up too bad.

— Recap of Piper’s appearance from 12/17. The Piper cuts a promo. “I’ve fought every Guerrero in the Hispanic community.” Pro-NWA promo. Not too bad.

— Cut to Hudson in the back with Simon and Swinger. Swinger and Simon are mad because they lost the titles, and Swinger starts to cut a good promo. Gilberti interrupts the promo, saying they need to win the belts for Jarrett. Simon says they’ll win the belt for themselves. The face turn is back on, apparently.

— 6-man-tag team match: Redshirt Security (Kevin Northcutt and Legend) and Abyss vs. America’s Most Wanted (Chris Harris and James Storm) and AJ Styles: AMW getting a Rock and Roll Express type reaction from the young girls, as does Styles. Legend and Storm start. Storm with a spinning headscissors and a couple of kicks, then some mounted punches. Tag in to Styles, who dropkicks Legend and then a double facejam by AMW gets two. Legend tags in Northcutt, who gets a go behind. Backstage, Kid Kash tries to get a ticket taker to sign her loyalty to Jarrett (and she actually fights him off for a bit). Back in the ring, Styles takes out Abyss as we went nuts fairly quickly. Northcutt straps Storm and Legend chokes him as order is restored. Legend tosses Storm, letting Northcutt strap him some more as AJ tries to interfere. Northcutt tagged in, big boot to the gut. Northcutt eats a boot on an idiot charge, then counters a Tornado DDT by turning it into a swinging Northern Lights Suplex for 2. Tag to Abyss as the heels cut off the ring. Avalanche by Abyss, then his Gorilla Press into a flapjack. Harris makes the save, and the heels dump Storm as the teenieboppers chant “Go James Go!” This match may not be a technical masterpiece, but it’s SUPER-hot. Storm rolled back in for 2. Legend tries to superplex Storm, but he fights it off, and gets an inverted Tornado DDT and gets the hot tag to Harris as Legend tags Northcutt. Harris with a full nelson slam on Northcutt, a leaping lariat on Legend, and a Thesz press on Abyss, Redshirts interfere, but AJ hits a springboard dropkick on both Redshirts, then a SWEET no hands senton plancha. AMW double flapjacks Abyss, then go for a double spear, but the Redshirts interfere. Brawl outside, as AJ hit a sweet flying DDT, but the ref is trying to control the chaos outside. AMW in control with the belts outside. Abyss sneaks up with a German suplex, but AJ lands on his feet and hits an enzuigiri. Styles Clash on Abyss???? No, Jeff Jarrett hits Styles with the title belt, and Abyss gets the Black Hole Slam for 3. WINNERS: Redshirts and Abyss.

— TNA Babe of the Year package: Trinity won Babe of the Year. And is smoking hot. I’d still take Traci over her, though. Trinity thanks Kid Kash at the end of the package, bringing in Sonny Siaki, who takes exception. Hudson tries interview with Trinity, but Siaki breaks it up. Then Kash comes in, Trinity is all for signing the package, but Siaki says no. Kash hits on Trinity, but she bails.

— Recap of Simon and Swinger beating D’Lo and AJ.

— Tag team title match: Simon and Swinger (w/o Glenn Gilberti and David Young) vs. 3 Live Kru (BG James and Ron Killings: And I’m thanking God that 3LK switched their music. Konnan does his shtick. And there’s a bunch of kids with Vampiro facepaint in the crowd. Kooky. Heels in control right off the bat. Simon knocks down James with a couple of punches. Dancing punches from James, but Diamond ducks the last one and gets a superkick for 2. Sideslam inverted DDT combo gets two as we cut to the back with Elix Skipper and Christopher Daniels, with Elix trying to get Triple X back together. Heels still in total control as Swinger is tagged in again. Lots of choking and kicking from the heels. Double flatliner attempt, but James punches out of it and gets a double clothesline and the hot tag to Killings. Truth with a powerslam on Swinger and a flying forearm on Simon, then his sweet twisting ax kick on Swinger. David Young comes down the ramp with Gilberti, and Young tries to clothesline Killings, but hits Diamond instead! Gourdbuster on Diamond, and that gets the pin? WINNERS: 3 Live Kru. Young yelling at Diamond post match, and Diamond goes after Young. Swinger and Gilberti trying to break up the fight. Gilberti and Young leave, and Kid Kash heading to the ring.

— Cut to West and Tenay. West wearing Red, for those that had large wagers in Vegas on it. Tenay and West introduce Armando Quintero, who announces a working arrangement with AAA and IWA. Apparently, AAA has a six-sided ring. Highlights from David Young and Michael Shane appearing for AAA. IWA Puerto Rico looks very ECW-ish in it’s presentation, and I loved ECW.

— Cut back to Kash getting the fat timekeeper to sign. The Blackshirts try to get him out, then Chris Vaughn and Kash get into it outside the ring.

— Hudson and Raven in the back. Raven says Julio and Punk are wholly unprepared to step into the ring with Raven, and Raven may or may not have a partner. I am breathlessly awaiting the “I think you hear me knocking” T-shirt.

— Cut back to the ring, and Kash is talking down to Vaughn. Kash calls Vaughn a child, trying to browbeat him into signing. Vaughn says he’ll sign, but when Kash turns his back, Vaughn nails him with the clipboard and starts going to town on him! Kash makes a comeback, and Rudi Charles tries to make a save, allowing Chris Vaughn to make a comeback and…

— Impromptu grudge match: Chris Vaughn vs. Kid Kash: Vaughn sits down on a sunset flip and pounds on Kash, but Kash gets out of a vertcal suplex and hits a fisherman backbreaker. Kash talks trash to Rudi Charles… and here comes Heavy D, who beats the hell out of Kash as Charles conveniently (and intentionally) turns his back, then Heavy D rolls Vaughn on top for the win! WINNER: Chris Vaughn.

— Hudson trying to interview the Gathering. Who, once they’re allowed to talk, are actually pretty damn good on the mic. Punk says their only mistake was being loyal to Raven, and Raven’s not the only one with a surprise; they have something up their sleeve as well.

— Recap package of the Gathering turn. Raven alone in the cage after his loss, bloody, battered and broken, is an awesome visual.

— Tag team match: The Gathering (CM Punk and Julio Dinero) vs. Raven and ???: New music for Julio and Punk. And I’m _praying_ for New Jack as the mystery partner. Because, if you’re going to administer a violent beatdown, New Jack should be involved. Raven with Hawk facepaint as a tribute (I think), and I hope that doesn’t foreshadow Animal as a surprise partner. And the mystery partner, in the crowd, is The Sandman! Punk and Julio try to punch Raven, but Raven slaps them both down, and Raven and the Sandman spit beer into the Gathering’s faces. “ECW” chant. Julio and Punk bail, and Sandman does his thing and blades off the beer can again. In the picture and picture, Elix Skipper talks to Low Ki as Raven stomps a mudhole into Julio, then Sandman and Raven hit a drop toe hold/flying leg drop combo. Sandman slapping Julio around like a little bitch. Sandman drapes Julio on the top rope and hits a flying leg drop onto the back of Julio’s head. Sandman misses a slingshot leg drop, but Sandman no sells the miss. Irish whip and a back elbow, then two big left hands on Julio, then another and another, as CM Punk complains about closed fists. Sandman misses an ugly looking Senton bomb, Julio tags in Punk. Punk is still pissed about Raven picking Sandman over the Gathering as a tag team partner months ago. Punk stomping a mudhole in Sandman, then a tag and a double dropkick. Julio puts down Sandman with a series of punches, and gets 2. Tag to Punk, flying legdrop, tag to Dinero, moonsault, tag to Punk again, who misses a twisting senton. Tag to Raven, who beats on both heels, but then the ref gets bumped, and Raven does his clothesline/bulldog thing, and some druid walks into the ring, and has cloth treated with cloroform, and chokes out Raven. Punk with a Raven Effect on Raven, and that gets the three-count. WINNERS: The Gathering. Sandman saves any further beatdown. And the mystery man is…. FATHER JAMES MITCHELL!!! YES!!! I’ve missed his promos so damn much, and if him and Raven are going to start cutting amazing promos on each other again, I’m down with that.

— Hudson in the back with the New Franchise. Michael Shane going into ultimate meglomaniac mode, then Douglas calms him down, only to rile him up again, saying the NWA is trying to stab him in the back. Douglas tell Shane to let Low Ki and Christopher Daniels take each other out. Douglas looks like he’s having the time of his life.

— Mr. TNA 2003 Presentation Ceremony. Apparently, it’s down to AJ Styles and Jeff Jarrett. And you know that trophy is getting broken tonight. Two picture-in-pictures showing the reactions of Jarrett and Styles. Very cool touch. AJ chant. Tenay is crestfallen when the envelope is opened… but it’s a swerve, as AJ wins! “AJ” chant, as he just soaks it in. AJ says 2003 was a great year, and thanks the fans, but he wants more in 2004, such as getting the NWA title back. Of course, this brings out Jarrett, who bitches and moans. Jeff, it’s a popularity contest by design. Sort of like a Buffalo election. Jarrett runs down AJ and runs down the fans. Tenay jumps down Jarrett’s throat again, bringing Jarrett down to the ring. Tenay tries to make a match between Jarrett and Styles, with Jarrett putting up the title, and Styles putting up Mr. TNA 2003. Jarrett says he will give AJ an opportunity for a title match… next week it’s AJ and Erik Watts vs. Jarrett and Abyss… If AJ and Watts win, AJ gets his title shot, but if Jarrett and Abyss win, Watts is gone. Goldilocks accepts for Watts, and Watts seems a bit shocked, but he recovered quickly. And shockingly, the trophy stays in one piece.

— TNA Calendar shoot promo, featuring Trinity and Goldilocks. Mmmmmmmmm.

— Shill time. West shills the calendar, the DVD collection, and his nutsack. I’m still waiting for the Traci/Trinity/Lollipop threesome to show up on the Video on Demand. Next week, Simon Diamond vs. David Young with Glenn Gilberti as the special referee, AMW vs. Redshirts in a rawhide whipping match, and the AJ/Watts vs. JJ/Abyss match.

— Ultimate X 2. Chris Sabin vs. Low Ki vs. Christopher Daniels vs. Michael Shane (c): I’m expecting the action in this one to be fairly insane in this one. Each wrestler gets a nice black and white pre-fight promo. Low Ki: “All you can do is be prepared.” This is the first time I’ve seen TNA do something pre-prepared and say “Wow, that was really cool.” If he’s “The Future” Chris Sabin, then who’s the present one? Maybe Gamble can help with that. Borash with the ring intros, and GODDAMMIT, GET A TUX BORASH! Low Ki and Daniels staring at each other during the intros. Shane and Daniels go to climb right away, but the faces stop them. Low Ki and Daniels pair off, as do Shane and Sabin. Shane and Low Ki come out on top, then Ki clotheslines Shane out. Daniels beating on Sabin. Sabin tries to dump Daniels, and it ends up with Shane and Sabin holding Daniels so Low Ki and kick him from the floor. Sabin with a MASSIVE no hands senton plancha onto Shane and Low Ki! AWESOME! Shane and Sabin and Low Ki and Daniels pair off again. Daniels looking for some plunder, and GETS THE TABLES! Sabin hits a springboard legdrop to the back of Shane’s head. Shane ducks an enzuigiri in the ring, then kicks Sabin and hits a chairshot. Daniels and Low Ki both try to hit their finishers from the apron to the floor, but they both block and Shane takes out Low Ki. Daniels tries a springboard leap for the belt, but just misses. Daniels trying to get to the cable, but seems unsure of himself. Daniels going for the belt, but Shane with a chairshot. Shane tries to use the chair to jump up to the belt, unsuccessfully. Shane goes for the belt, Daniels tries to use the chair to catch Shane for a powerbomb, but Shane hurricanranas out of it. Low Ki and Sabin both outside, and Shane goes up top, but Daniels knocks him out with a throat thrust. Daniels gets another chair, tries to use it to springboard to the belt, misses, tries again, but Low Ki catches hm with a tidal crush! Low Ki hurt his knee legit there. Low Ki tries to use the chair to climb, but Sabin uses Daniels to hit a springboard enzuigiri on Low Ki. Low Ki and Daniels exchange chops, but Shane goes for a chairshot and the former XXX members go to town on him. Low Ki sets up Shane in the hanging Dragon Klutch, but Daniels takes the opportunity to go for the belt, but Low Ki scramble up and gets Daniels in the Dragon Klutch while on the cable! WILD! Sabin missile dropkicks Low Ki down after Daniels falls! New Franchise tries to interfere with a ladder (which is against the rules), but Elix Skipper fights them to the back. Ref is bumped, Shane tries to set up the ladder, but Low Ki hits a kick onto the ladder to put down Shane, goes for the tidal crush, but Shane counters with a superkick. Shane sets up the ladder and climbs, and FOR THE PISSING PUKING LOVE OF GOD! Daniels with an STO off the ladder on Shane! Sabin fights out of a Ki Krusher and tries to climb, but Low Ki with a stiff kick and a German suplex off the ladder. Daniels takes down the ladder and rams it into both Shane and Low Ki, then hits a throatslam suplex and the Best Moonsault Ever on Low Ki! Daniels sets up the ladder again, Shane punches him off, then Daniels knocks down the ladder and Shane hits his chest on the top rope, then Daniels crotches Shane on the ladder. Enzuigiri by Daniels on Sabin. Daniels climbing the ladder again, and Low Ki starts climbing the other side. Low Ki and Daniels fighting on top the ladder and Low Ki kicks Daniels while standing on the ladder (!), and IN THE NAME OF GOD AND FOR THE LOVE OF HUMANITY! SHANE PUSHES BOTH MEN OFF THE LADDER, OVER THE TOP ROPE AND ONTO THE FLOOR! I think Low Ki busted his ankle legit there. If not, he sold the hell out of it. The ref prevents Shane from using the ladder, Shane tries to manhandle the ref while Chris Vaughn comes in to take the ladder out, and Shane goes up top to try to reach the belt, but Sabin kicks him off the top rope and through the table that was set up earlier (way earlier) in the match, and Sabin is all by himself with the belt! Sabin struggles with the belt for about 10 seconds, and then falls to the mat. HAIL SABIN! WINNER: Chris Sabin.

— Jarrett on the phone with his lawyer, saying he’s got AJ and Watts right where he wants them next week. And that takes us out.

— Guys and gals, that was the most fun I’ve ever had watching a TNA show. I was thoroughly entertained through the whole thing. TNA starts off the new year with a fucking BANG! See you next week.

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