411’s NWA TNA Report 06.18.03

A couple readers pointed out the rather massive discrepancy in opinion between me and Mr Keith on last week’s show. I gave it a big thumbs up, he was less enthusiastic. I think it’s fairly obvious I like TNA and I want it to succeed. So just keep in mind when reading my recaps you’re reading the review of a TNA “mark”. But check over my last five reviews, and you’ll see quite a few that were rated pretty low by yours truly. So I’m not totally biased, right?

Elsewhere on 411, Chris Hyatte pointed out the similarities between HHH’s reign and Jeff Jarrett’s. My take on this, for now, is that TNA had to be very careful with who they give their belt to. Who better to trust than one of the guys who owns the company? But yeah, not a big fan of Super-Jarrett, I just kind of tolerate the guy. Now that AJ’s the champion, we’ll see what’s what. If Jarrett is still portrayed as Mr. kick-out-of-everyone’s finisher SUPER GAWWWDD then yes, I will write JJJ in HUGE ASS CAPS!

Seeing how I feel so bad about trashing Gangrel, then he came in and put on a decent match, I am going to give Shane Douglas a fair shake. I will pretend I’ve never seen him before and don’t think he totally sucks ass, and will base my opinion of him on what he does here in TNA.

TNA Episode #50: “New Jack STILL RULES!”

Tonight!! ONE YEAR! STING! JAMAL?!?! *cough wheeze*.. What about Hardy? *sigh* I know, he won’t be here. Can Jerry Lynn make Justin Adequate (tm and copyright 2003 Mike Lorefice) JUST ADEQUATE? Or even Just Carryable?!? Paul London vs Chris Sabin! Now we’ll see what these fellas can do! And New Jack vs The Most Over-rated Man in Wrestling, Mike Sanders.. Did you ever see the TV movie of Stephen King’s IT, where the young street tough has a knife to the fat kid’s throat and one of his fellow hooligan says, “C’mon, don’t really cut him.” And he turns and goes.. “Cut him? Cut him?”. Well none of those hooligans will be in the Asizzlylum tonight! TALLY HO!

– Live from the TNA Asylum 6/18/03

– Your hosts are Mike Tenay and Don West

FBI Warning… Let’s see what this new set looks like… Uhh not much different, except they have a widescreen TV on the ramp. My friend in Virginia has a huge ass TV that smokes this one. I’m not sure why you needed to know that.

We start with a video montage set to a rip-off of one of those System of a Down songs (Who needs Jimmy Hart?). Clips of some of the great spots from TNA’s first year of business. Man I miss Low Ki. Nice video!

A limo pulls up in the back of the asylum. Out steps Shane Douglas. He’s laughing. He says, cackling evilly, “Time to make some noise”. He channelled Jack Nicholson’s Joker impersonating Jack Palance right there. He’s all: “Because Jackkk… YOU.. Are my number ONE…. GUY”.

Gulas/Welch ROTATES! David Miller you are the man.

Sonny Siaki, Don Harris & David Young vs Frankie Kazarian, D Lo & The Sandman: Crowd chants “You suck” at the SEX members. Kazarian goes to town with a back spring elbow, a nice KIP, and a rolling neckbreaker. D Lo with some CRISP hip tosses on a Harris, Then Harris comes back with a nice big boot. Ohh Kazarian with an awesome move, electric chair kind of thing. Young hits him with the SPINEBUSTER OF CHRONIC BACK PAIN. Sonny comes in and hits a T BONE SUPLEX on Frankie! Beat me if you can! OHHH Kazarian with a CRACKING Superkick. Crowd is pumped. D Lo takes it to the heels. Hit the swinging rock bottom, aka “The Wind-up Slam”. Kazarian and Young in the ring. Kazarian drops Young, D Lo with a HUGGEE FROGSPLASH for the win! Winner: Dlo, Sandman & Kazarian Faces beer it up, Heels rush the ring and attack. Siaki caning the Sandman. Here come Sanders and Ron Harris. Sandman is held down, Siaki canes him. STING comes out to a HUGE pop! He has the bat! Jarrett’s here too! They clean house. Jarrett KILLS Young with a chairshot. I have NEVER heard the Asylum pop like this.

West and Tenay at ringside. Mike welcomes the new Spanish Announce team which consists of Konnan and some guy. Now the Spanish Announce Team aka The Maximos do something with their gimmick! The announcers run down the matches tonight. I heard the “mystery partner” in the main event is just going to be Raven. Let’s see.

TNA Flashback: Roddy Piper’s rambling promo. Jarrett is NOT joining SEX. Russo cuts a promo on Dusty Rhodes. Hah.. boy Dusty is awesome on the mic.

Back to now.. Here is Vince Russo. He has a mic. He is beardless still. “RUSSO” chant? No.. “YOU SUCK” chant. Ha he says his new haircut cost more than most of the fans’ trailers. He said he played Mr Mom for awhile. He says his daughter told him to go back to TNA because the rednecks can’t wipe their asses without him. He says The North is about power, leadership and money. The South is about kissing cousins, willing barnyard animals, and a total disregard for loyalty. Oooh he says the fans didn’t appreciate Jeff Jarrett. He says they shit on one of their own. They threw him away like a used condom. So now, he’s back. Mixed reaction. Russo says this time, he’s not doing it alone. He calls AJ better than Michaels, Hart, even Sting at his age. Because like it or not, he is your new heavyweight champion you pieces of shit. Here comes AJ Styles, crowd still totally behind AJ. It rules so much that he is the world champ. Hahaha some guy just came to my door, he’s running for mayor. I said “Sorry I can’t talk I’m writing an internet thing”. PRIORITIES! Tenay’s in the ring now. AJ talks about how he’s the champ. He says the fans use food stamps. This guy dates his sister. This guy has no teeth. Russo says he is taking the champ to New York? Wha? Tenay tells AJ to get in the ring. He says AJ has been brainwashed. Russo says Jarrett tried to do things the right way, and these people booed him out of the building. You have to screw everyone to get to the top. We are so close to HHH the angle. Here comes D Lo. We’re burning serious PPV time here, people. D Lo says Russo and D Lo were friends in the old WWF. He says Russo gave him a shot. And in turn, D Lo gave him his career. For what? D Lo says he doesn’t know who Russo is anymore (no, really, he said that). He turns to AJ, he says they teamed together, became friends. And then AJ takes a shortcut to get the title. AJ is confused… He wants D Lo to be his partner tonight. D Lo asks AJ if he is ready to throw everything in the toilet with this piece of shit Russo. Russo says he’s delusional. Russo says HE alone made D Lo Brown. It is now 8:27 pm. Russo asks D Lo if he wants to “play the role of my little bitch”, because there’s a “spot open”. SHOOTY! AJ jumps D Lo and beats him down. Here comes RAVEN! He lays out AJ. Raven is about to pummel Russo, when Shane Douglas comes in and attacks Raven. BIG “Triple Threat” chant! Cool! Just no Candido PLEASE. Or Bam Bam, actually. Gawd I miss the old Taz.

Goldy is backstage with Nurse Veronica and Tracy. Tracy says the sexist NWA board won’t let them wrestle. But Veronica says the “Bitchslap” will do things their own way. They walk away. WATTS walks up and doesn’t want Goldy to interview Kash tonight.

Outside, Julio and Alexis are backstage, terrified that Raven will kill them for not helping him in the ring, there. It’s CM PUNK! He wants to join Raven’s Gathering. They say there may not even BE a Gathering now. He says there will ALWAYS be a Gathering. He does the Raven pose and does the Quoth the Raven thing.

Video Flashback: AJ wins the X title.

X Title Match – Paul London vs Chris Sabin (c): I hear London had a few dark matches for the WWE. He’ll be on Velocity this Saturday, check it out if you haven’t seen him. London wants a handshake, Sabin with the middle finger. “London” chant. Man he gets over so easy. OHHH Sabin and London exchange SWEET STANDING RANAS! London on the apron, Sabin on the concrete. London with a CHARGING SHOOTING STAR PRESS INTO A CLOTHESLINE! “Holy Shit” chant. Is he the new master of the SSP? “Hail Sabin” chant like last week! I love that. Sabin with a slingshot into a corkscrew on London. Back in the ring, London goes for a QUICK CROSSBODY BUT LANDS right on Sabin’s extended knee. TNA chant. Sabin cinches in the abdominal stretch to a “Let’s go London” chant. OHHHHHHH REVERSAL SEQUENCE – London hits a tilt-a-whirl headscissors, Sabin was TURNED BACKWARDS WHEN HE BUMPED! London kips up. Sabin backs away, he’s alot like Christian. London covers for two. OHH SABIN WITH THE INVERTED SWINGING ROCK BOTTOM ON HIS KNEE! Gets two! Here’s CM Punk! “Pepsi” chant! Punk is slumped in the corner, ala Raven. OHHH London with the SUPERBOMB ON SABIN! SOARING SHOOTING STAR PRESS! Will London be able to cover? Punk.. uses the Raven Effect on London. Come on TNA, no screwjobs in the X Division, PLEASE! Sabin hits the Future Shock. Winner: Chris Sabin THIS MATCH RULED! If you want to see innovation, once again I can say check out the X Division.

Goldy’s in the back with New Jack. New Jack don’t give a SHIT about Mike Sanders. He’s inflicted more pain in this business than anybody. He’s been kicked out of every federation! This ain’t WCW! Heyy it’s Shark Boy! New Jack says he has no time for games. New Jack won every game anyway. Shark Boy has these big ass Hulk Fist gloves on! New Jack has a change of heart. This match ain’t gonna take long.. “I don’t know no wrestling moves – THIS WILL NOT TAKE LONG!” Jesus Christ New Jack is awesome.

Kid Kash walks up to some cage backstage. He thanks the big guy for helping him last week. Kash needs his help tonight. Is he in the cage? I guess the big guy threw something. Kash takes that as a yes.

TNA FLASHBACK: Teo canes Don West. Jasmine St Clair gives Borasch a lap dance. Chris Rock cuts a promo, remember that? Hey that movie bombed, didn’t it?

Hard Ten semifinal matchup – Mike Sanders vs New Jack: Cut him? Cut him? Sanders runs out from backstage and hits New Jack with a can lid shot. Sanders is wearing a kevlar vest. New Jack evens it up, 1-1. Fans banging weapons off the guardrail. Sanders lid shots make it 4-1. Sanders whips New Jack into a trash can held up by a fan. 6-1 Sanders now. A fan gives New Jack a chair. New Jack runs off the apron, misses Sanders and crashes HARD on the rail! Shark Boy is at ringside with the huge ass hulk gloves on. 7-1 Sanders. New Jack lid shot, 7-2. New Jack rolls Sanders in the ring, places a pan on his groin. HITS IT WITH A TWO BY FOUR! 7-3. New Jack wandering around here. Uhh… New Jack lid shot, 7-4. New Jack headbutts a lid into Sanders’ groin. Rolls Sanders onto a table at ringside. Ohh nooo Sanders is gonna move. Sanders rolls off. New Jack rolls him back on. New Jack climbs the turnbuckle. Shark Boy offers the Hulk glove. Crowd chants “USE IT”. Hahahaa. New Jack puts it on. Crowd chants “Hulk hands!”. New Jack stands in the center of the ring, POSES LIKE HOGAN! HAHAHAAA! Sanders climbs the apron, New Jack HULK PUNCHES SANDERS OFF AND THROUGH THE TABLE! Winner: New Jack THERE IS A GAWWDDD! New Jack and Shark Boy are a FORCE! Will they get the spotlight? Hope so! OK match, not as good as Crowbar, but better than the Gangrel one. S Sanders either did the wussiest blade job this side of The Rock, or he got busted open slightly the hard way.

Trinity video: She says she does alot of stunt work, loves to set herself on fire. Clips of her awesome ass moves. She LOVES THE PAIN! Footage of her on a beach in a bikini. Jeez this is a frickin Divas video here. Or what do they call them in Japan? “Personal tapes”? Trinity says she wants to be the #1 femqale in the history of the business. Guitar solo WAILS (right out of a Queen song) as it wraps up.

BOOTY CALL! Lollipop and the brown-haired girl present their thinly covered genitalia to us. ENJOY!

TNA flashback: Dusty Rhodes comes to TNA and beats up the ROAD HOGG. Raven’s AWESOME debut where he stole the NWA title. D Lo Brown’s debut.

Justin Credible vs Jerry Lynn: Finally the GOLDEN LION IS BACK ON PAY PER VIEW! WOO! Credible comes out to a bastardised version of “Snap your fingers snap your neck”. Video of the two segments of feuding they’ve had, the pull apart and the sit down they had. EC DUB chant to start. “JERRY” chant. They trade nice chest slaps. Jerry almost steals it with a quick roll up. Oh my God, big reversal sequence, Jerry almost hits the Cradle of Filth, turns it into a roll up. They trade chops. Credible with a high crossbody, Jerry rolls it over, almost gets the pin. Counter sequence ends with a CRACKING superkick for two. Crowd with a “Justin Asshole” chant. Wait, wha?? Credible goes for the That’s Incredible, Lynn turns it into a rollup, Credible reverses it, GRABS THE ROPE. REF DOESN’T SEE IT?!?!?! 1..2…3? Winner: Justin Credible Ruled while it lasted, maybe 4 minutes? They brawl at ringside, refs and security pull them apart. Pull apart is as long as the match, yeesh. I think I under-estimated Credible a bit, he more than hung with the LION here. If these two get 15 minutes they will SMOKE whatever show they’re on.

Sitdown interview with.. uhh Road Dogg IMPERSONATING Mike Tenay, with Konnan and Truth. Truth was the first black NWA champ. Road Dogg wants to know what’s up with.. Black people and fried chicken. K, he turns to Konnan. Konnan tries not to laugh as Road Dogg congratulates him on beating Latin Lover for a title. Road Dogg asks about the Taco Bell dog. They all agree to go party, Konnan has some smoke in his pocket. I don’t mind dawwgg when he talks, actually he’s kind of funny. So are Truth and Konnan still feuding with the HOSSES?

TNA flashback: Dusty cuts his classic MIDGET, A-BEATIN OFF, IN A TRASH CAN promo. Now we actually see the midget beating off in a trash can. Wait.. no! Low Ki’s music hits! Aww it’s Kenzo Suzuki from World Japan, just using Ki’s TNA theme. If TNA uses Kenzo, they BETTER get Ayako Hamada and Sumie Sakai in TNA before they go back to Japan.

Kenzo Suzuki vs Perry Saturn: Let’s see if Saturn will sell for Kenzo. Saturn drops him with a lariat. Hhehee we cut to the Spanish commentary team. It’s like we’re watching TELEMUNDOOOO. Don West says it was pretty good. Guh? Suzuki hits a vertical suplex for two. Saturn quick roll-up gets two. Saturn rolls him up, grabs the trunks for two. Saturn grazes Suzuki with a spring dropkick gets two. Saturn hits the T Bone TAZZZZZPlex. Ohh Perry.. Perry tries to give Suzuki a body slam, almost loses his balance and drops him. Saturn follows up almost completely missing a Lionsault. Suzuki powers up. Spear by Suzuki. Saturn with a NECK BREAKING German for two. Saturn with an icky powerslam. Saturn flying elbow. 1..2… Credible runs in and canes Saturn. Lynn is out and attacks Credible. Saturn tosses Suzuki out of the rin. Bell rings. No Contest Heyy I’m all for japanese guys in TNA, but I want HASHIMOTO and LYGER-SAN and EMBLEM! Saturn looked dazed.. Drug addled. SOMAS! NO MORE SOMAS PERRY! I say this because I care, dammit.

Goldy’s backstage with AJ. AJ tells her she doesn’t have a hard time swallowing anything. AJ says Russo is going to find him the greatest partner in the world. Please don’t let the mystery partner be Russo.

TNA flashback: Truth cuts a promo on some race car drivers. Jarrett cuts a promo on the Tenesee Titans at ringside. The Titans jump the railing and they beat the crap out of him, pretty convincingly.

Tag Title Match – America’s Most Wanted vs XXX (Elix Skipper & Chris Daniels): Uhh we cut to backstage, the teams are already brawling. XXX lays out AMW, then make their way down the ramp. Heyyyy LOW KI is here! His arm’s in a sling, but hey he rules so whatever. Daniels takes the mic. He puts over SEX and XXX. He says he’s going back to Japan in two weeks. Hmm WHO WILL WIN? Here comes AMW. Elix with the MATRIX combined with one of those AWESOME KICK SEQUENCES with James Storm! Daniels takes over, they isolate Storm. Quick tags by XXX. “Fallen Angel” chant? Alll right! Ohhh XXX with that AWESOME vertical suplex/spring crossbody double team. Harris has had enough and crossbodies them both, then a full nelson slam on Elix. Storm rallies, XXX and Storm on the mat sucking wind. Can he make the tag? Yes. Harris has punches aplenty. Harris with a SWEET flying clothesline. Elix with the play of the day? REVERSED TO THE CATATONIC! 1…2.. Only two! Daniels hits the Angel’s Wings! Storm breaks up the pin. Storm powerslam gets two. Christ Daniels just broke Storm’s jaw there with that punch. Crazy AASSSS double team by AMW gets two! Elix drops Storm, then battles with Harris at ringside. Daniels MISSES the DOUBLE SPRING MOONSAULT BUT LANDS ON HIS FEEETT – SPEARED BY HARRIS! Ki slips Daniels the belt! Storm DUCKS IT! SUPERKICK! DEATH SENTENCE (Just like Demolition’s old finisher)! 1…2… The ref is dragged out of the ring. Elix drops Harris..1..2…3! Winners: XXX Hah well shows what I know. I think this just stole the show.

Earlier today, Tenay sat down with.. Jerry Jarrett?! Jerry says this has been a really rocky road. Tough times make a company tougher. As Jarrett rambles about nothing, I look at this card the Mayorial candidate gave me. On the back is a picture of him and his family, and oh my god his daughters are hot. Anyway.. Jarrett talks about Vince Russo. He’s been in WWF, WCW and TNA. Yes, Jerry, he has! Jerry is almost as bad as Al Wilson. Jerry says Russo is obsessed with Jeff. Jeez this was taped and they didn’t decide to re-shoot it?

WATTS IS IN HE RING!!! MR RATINGS! MR XLOSION IS HERE TO TALK! Watts’ man “Erik” will be in TNA soon. Watts wants to interview Kid Kash. I guess he’s going to take Goldy’s place for this interview to protect her. Kash has another new theme, pretty cool. Oohh Kash kind of stumbles on the mic talking about beating women. Beating women gives him goosebumps. And if Erik continues to act like a woman, then he’ll make Erik his bitch. Erik chokelams Kash.. HOLDING HIM THERE. Throws him down. On the big screen, Goldy is in the cage. She’s screaming. Watts runs into the back, tries to kick the cage open. Kash jumps him from behind. Goldy screams REALLY LOUD. Ahh not one of Russo’s finer segments if this is his handiwork.

TNA Flashback: Last week, AJ beat Jeff Jarrett.

West and Tenay are IN THE ZONE! Heeyyy they announce a TNA FREQUENT BUYERS CLUB! HODY HOO! NEXT WEEK: Siaki vs the Sandman.. Wait, Chris Harris takes the mic. He says next week, AMW wants a re-match in a steel cage! WOO! First ever cage match!

AJ Styles & ??? vs Jeff Jarrett & Sting: AJ is accompanied by Vince Russo. Russo has a mic. Who is the mystery partner? Cross your fingers. Russo calls this guy a scumbag. A degenerate. He’s a lot like Russo. You know… AJ doesn’t need someone to talk to him. It’s… SEAN WALTMAN. AKA X Pac, SYXX PAC… His music hiuts… Noone’s coming out. There he is, in street clothes. Announcers say Russo said he was NEVER coming back. Sting no-sells some AJ kicks. Sting locks in the Scorpion Deathlock, rope break. Russo on commentary. Sting splashes AJ on the ramp. Russo tells Tenay to kiss his big ass. Syxx Pac misses the bronco buster on Jarrett. Jarrett locks in the figure four, as Sting and AJ brawl in the ring. Pretty cool to see AJ and Sting go at it. AJ with a HUUGGEE SPRING LEGDROP on Jarrett so he releases the hold. AJ and Waltman isolate Jarrett. Ohh AJ with a nice kick to the back of Jeff’s head. Man he is SO GOOD. Huge dropkick. Hah he steps on Jarrett’s face, tags in Rat boy. Ohh Waltman locks in the sleeper, take that back to the WWE you tool. Waltman is wrestling in a longsleeve shirt and black slacks? AJ lying on the mat, sleeper on Jeff. Fans chant “We want Sting”. Jarrett makes the tag to Sting. Sting lays out both opponents. Stinger Splash on AJ. And one for Waltman. Sting locks in the Deathlock on AJ. Waltman hits Sting with his own bat. How ironic. AJ locks on the Deathlock on Sting!! “You still suck” chant at Syxx Pac! Thank you, Nashville. Sting escapes the hold. AJ tags in Waltman. Sting drops them both with clotheslines. Can he tag in Jarrett? “TNA” chant. Sting with a double inverted DDT on both opponents. Can Sting tag in Jarrett? “TNA” chant! Jarrett tags in. AJ hits the ref with a superkick by accident. Jarrett hits the Stroke, AJ makes it look awesome with a forward roll. Russo comes in and hits Jarrett with the bat. It’s Raven! He’s going to take out Russo! No AJ stops him! Here’s Shane Douglas, Douglas and Raven brawl down the ramp. Stroke on AJ. Aww no. Ref is still out. Ref slides in, only two. Top rope Stroke on AJ. Jarrett pins for the win. Winners: Jarrett and Sting Jeff hits Waltman with the bat. I wish Sting had more to do in this one. Three Strokes is three too many. JJ and Raven are nose to nose, now. Sting seperates them. He wants them to shake hands? He raises both of their arms. OK here it is: TRIPLE J DOES IT AGAIN!

Good show, I wish I hadn’t read all that JJJ crap and then watched a show where Jarrett is booked as a star in a match where all 3 other guys had more heat. The more they stuff him down our throats, the more we’ll reject him. I’m not a Pac fan, but it’s a better surprise than NO surprise, so it’s cool with me. He didn’t look like he was trying at all though. Shows up in casual clothes, throws a couple punches and a sleeper, cashes his paycheck, buys some doobies. But two really good matches.. Sabin vs London brings the X Division back up where it belongs with an AWESOME match, and XXX and America’s Most Wanted blow the roof off the joint!

Total Value: $11.00

Top 5 Moments of the Show:

5. CM Punk gets a push, cuts a good promo, is over. More Punk please!
4. Paul London with the CHARGING SSP OFF THE APRON!
3. New Jack’s promo, New Jack’s Hogan posing, the guy is pure charisma!
2. Daniels misses the double spring moonault, lands on his feet – SPEAR by HARRIS OHH SWEET JESUS!
1. The crowd pops HUUGGGEEE for Sting!

TNA Hall of Shame Watch: This Kash thing with the big monster.. I dunno. It’s not in the Hallowed Hall but I don’t like where this is going. Is Abyss going to take Goldy home for Christmas and when they come back she’s in love with him? NEW IDEAS PLEASE, RUSSO.

MATCH OF THE NIGHT: America’s Most Wanted vs XXX (Skipper & Daniels) – That rocketed to the top of the heat chart and stayed there for a good ten minutes.

Current TNA Match of the Year: 4/30/03: NWA WORLD TITLE – RAVEN vs. JEFF JARRETT(c)