411’s WWE Raw Report 10.23.06

I’ve spent the past 72 hours either working, watching baseball or sleeping. So the World Series is underway. Anthony Reyes pitched a terrific game on Saturday night. Shame it didn’t finish until the early hours (in England) and I was in work at 7.30am. So Sunday totally sucked. Watched a bit of Arsenal creaming Reading after work then slept for a few hours. Then got down to Game 2. Kenny Rogers with the suspect use of “dirt” there. During the coverage I went channel surfing and watched Tito Ortiz destroy Ken Shamrock AGAIN. Time to come back to pro-wrestling while your name still means something Ken. Let’s face it you have more a shot of competing there than you do in MMA now. You’re too slow for the modern fight game and lack decent takedown protection. Ortiz totally exposed you, time to retire. Come back to wrestling, Ken. We still love you. Uncle Vince probably has a nice juicy contract to wave under your nose right now.

Last week I went off on one about hating Buffalo, like John Cena does (I feel it’s brought us closer together as recapper and show champion), and got this email from an RD Tyrell.

I remember the game against Houston, and if memory serves me correctly, two referees were investigated and at least one was fired by the NFL for intentionally making calls to help Buffalo win the game.

Justice is done! I always knew those bastards cheated. Glad Dallas just murdered them in the Superbowl. 52-17? You suck Buffalo! I realise I’m ranting about stuff that happened 11 years ago but it suddenly became relevant thanks to John Cena.

Tonight RAW has it’s 700th show. Oddly enough RAW debuted back in 1993, which happened to be the year that all that Oilers getting screwed business went down. Now who isn’t relevant? 1-0 Furious. We’re in Chicago, Illinois tonight. Our hosts will be Jim Ross & Jerry Lawler. Odd they did Family Reunion right before this 700th show.

CLIPS – Various sources that showed clips from John Cena laying out Kevin Federline. Seems most folks enjoyed the spot.

PROMO TIME – Kevin Federline. No flunkies this week (or Johnny Nitro if you will). He’s back on RAW for “payback”. He mentions how everyone was talking about K-Fed on RAW last week and how he took the FU from John Cena. He says he’s not like the Cubbies (CHEAP HEAT), a loveable loser, he’s out for revenge tonight. He’s going to do so via King Booker @ Cyber Sunday. Apparently he thinks Federline’s new CD is a “treasure”. He kisses up to K-Fed calling him “gifted” and “talented”. He also points out that Federline is a trendsetter thus Cena’s title will be on the line at Cyber Sunday. Booker is aiming to become a double champion. But Federline isn’t hedging his bets because he has Big Show out here too. He however doesn’t think Booker is right about winning a second title himself. Booker corrects him saying it’s King Booker. “I’ll call you whatever the hell I want” – Show, to a big pop. He’s intent on dominating on ECW tomorrow and the crowd knows he’s going to win at Cyber Sunday. “Balderdash” – Booker. The challengers both state their cases, which brings out John Cena. He says in the ring is the dumbest line up in the history of Celebrity Jeopardy. In the ring is a “big, royal, pain in the ass”. He claims Show was in Ghostbusters, yanno, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man. He was also Jabba the Hut and he’s now signed up to be the White Fat Albert. Cena says he was fine with Booker’s weird accent and pretenting to be royalty but he’s not fine with Booker calling K-Fed’s album a treasure. Cena tells Booker he’s now lost his status as a black man. And look who’s out here with Cena – RON MOTHERFUCKIN’ SIMMONS! “DAMN” – Simmons. And he’s gone. HAHAHA. Cena runs down Federline some more and walks off.

Melina Perez v Mickie James

This is a semi-final in the Women’s title tournament. Melina starts fast but Mickie wails on her. She screams as Mickie dumps her square on her tits. Melina must be pissed off because she starts throwing knees to the face. Yikes! Here comes the crossface punches into a dragon sleeper. What is this? Samoa Melina? Mickie throws some loose knees to get out of the dragon and hits a fisherman suplex for 2. Mickie hits a few punches and a clothesline. Flapjack and Mickie encourages the crowd to make some noise. Melina evades the DDT into what could generously be called a swinging neckbreaker for 2. Mickiecanrana and Mickie hits her leaping DDT for the win.

Mickie James beats Melina via pinfall using her patented DDT

CLIPS – HHH chair shotting Randy Orton to pin him last week. The re-match is tonight. Also tonight Cena v Nitro w/K-Fed.

Sidenote – JR mentioned Mickie’s love of horses. She has two. They’re called Rhapsody and Bunny. What kind of name for a horse is Bunny? Maybe the Mickie James gimmick isn’t so much gimmick, eh?

Chris Masters/Shelton Benjamin v Carlito/Jeff Hardy

Hardy has gotten himself way over. The fans focus on his participation with “Hardy” chants. He eats up a heat segment as a result. Masters slams him on the floor to really put the heels firmly in control. Suplex gets 2. Shelton bosses Hardy with a few strikes. Hardy comes back with Whisper in the Wind (I really want to go off on a rant about selling and psychology there but I won’t). Carlito comes in to clean house. Carlito with the springboard action and the quebrada scores too. Masters shoves Hardy into Carlito though and Shelton rolls him up using the ropes for the pin.

Shelton Benjamin pins Carlito

POST MATCH Everyone argues especially Carlito & Jeff Hardy. Apparently you can vote for who faces Jeff @ Cyber Sunday. You can vote for Carlito, Johnny Nitro or Shelton Benjamin. I make a point of voting for Shelton because the IWC has to look out for the guy, no one else does.

RINGSIDE – some of the Da Bears.

BACKSTAGE Todd Grisham interviews ELO (that’s Edge/Lita/Orton – they needed a name and one linked to the Electric Light Orchestra). The heels refuse to lay down for DX. They’re rated R…KO. Orton claims they’re the biggest stars in the business and things will be different, starting tonight. Edge has invited Vince McMahon, Coach and Eric Bischoff to view the match as they’re in line to be guest referee at Cyber Sunday.

SHILL – The Marine. This week the WWE guys get asked who’s tougher – Cena or his Marine character John Tryton. Wow, vox pops. How cutting edge.

BACKSTAGE Johnny Nitro tells Kevin Federline he’s a better actor and rapper than John Cena is. Nitro says he’ll show Federline that he’s a better wrestler than Cena. Federline is all about the payback. Plus his album is going to outsell Cena’s in a week.

John Cena v Johnny Nitro w/Melina Perez/Kevin Federline

Cena is actually getting the babyface pops again these days. We’ll see how long that lasts. I guess roughing up K-Fed helped him a bit. Nitro starts quickly with a knee to the ribs. Cena beats him down in short order. Fisherman suplex and Federline jumps onto the apron. That’s enough distraction for Nitro to blindside the champ and step on his neck. Nitro with a neckbreaker for 2. Crowd is like 85-15 Cena tonight. Cena misses a crossbody and Nitro puts the boots in again before hurling Cena over the top. Federline is chillin’ out there and talks a little smack before smacking a little Cena… in the face. Cena is about to react when Nitro wipes him out with the pescado. Nitro with a bulldog for 2. Nitro hooks up a choke, Joe-style. Cena just stands up out of it and drops back to break the hold. Cena does his version of Hulking up. Flying shoulderblock, Protobomb, Nitro can’t see him. Five Knuckle Shuffle. Marine salute and the FU finishes.

John Cena beats Johnny Nitro via pinfall after the FU

POST MATCH Cena eyeballs Federline because of that slap earlier. Federline tries to talk his way out of trouble as he stumbles up the ramp and out comes Big Show & King Booker to make the save. Now Federline is talking smack again. I wonder if Big Show gets his clothes from Mr Freaky Big? Booker kicks at Cena and Show adds in a chokeslam. The other champions seem to have an accord but Booker breaks it to hit the Book End. Axe Kick for Cena and King Booker stands alone.

Spirit Squad (Mikey/Nicky) v Cryme Tyme

No titles on the line again. Less reaction for Cryme Tyme suggesting that last week had pumped in reaction. Cryme Tyme are JTG & Shad for those who have poor memories. JTG starts and gets himself isolated right into a heel segment thanks to the numbers game. Mikey backflips for 2. Suplex gets 2. Dropkick gets 2. Mikey is holding these spots together with chinlocks. JTG rolls into the corner and tags Shad in. He cleans house and hits a side slam. Nicky gets clotheslined outside where he notices that you’re reading the RAW report on 411wrestling.com. I’m Arnold Furious. If you’re reading this on another site that hasn’t credited me then FORESHAME! Johnny tries to interfere but Shad just catches him and throws him outside. Cryme Tyme break out the Samoan Drop/flipping neckbreaker again for the win.

Cryme Tyme beats Spirit Squad via pinfall after the G9, as they’re calling it

POST MATCH Kenny gets all pissed off and gets the mic saying he’s the youngest and most talented guy in the Spirit Squad. He says all the other have let him down because they’re losers who can’t beat Ric Flair. Tonight he’s intent on getting the job done. He tells the others not to help him because he wants to beat Flair on his own.

THIS WEEK IN WRESTLING HISTORY – October 27th 1991. Chamber of Horrors match from WCW. The narrator rightfully mocks the terrible match mentioning the zombie orderlies that turned up during the match for no apparent reason.

Umaga w/Armando Alejandro Estrada v Eugene

Estrada offered an open challenge for Cyber Sunday to the other brands. Chris Benoit, Sandman and Kane are all in line for the match. Why bother with Kane, they already did that feud? Eugene was out here shooting t-shirts into the crowd and fires a t-shirt into Estrada’s groin. HAHAHA. Umaga looks slightly upset and just destroys the poor retarded guy. Samoan Drop. Umaga rips up a Bears jersey that Eugene was wearing. Charging butt attack in the corner. That’ll do as there isn’t a referee so it’s just over. Not a match to speak of.

CLIPS – WWE was in Japan last week. They did shows at the Budokan. I’ve been there.

BACKSTAGE Jim Duggan goes to check on Eugene and tells him to fire up and let the monster out so Eugene wails on him. CRAZY RETARD ALERT!

Kenny v Ric Flair

Despite earlier saying he’d go alone Kenny has the Spirit Squad at ringside. Flair grabs a mic and says that when he was in the Horsemen he had his back covered. Out comes Sgt Slaughter. And Roddy Piper. And Dusty Rhodes. Kenny gets the better of the early going and hits a missile dropkick for 2. Kenny picks at the leg and goes for the Figure Four but Flair kicks him off and chops him down. Flair styles and profiles. Nicky trips Flair and Kenny rolls him up with the tights for the win.

Kenny beats Flair via pinfall

POST MATCH Flair gets a kicking but the old timers jump in to clean house. Bionic Elbows all round. Apart from Kenny who ran off without taking his beating.

SHILL – The Marine. Robert Patrick gets focused on here with Cena pointing out how many of Patrick’s films he has on DVD. He gets put over as a great bad guy. For those claiming the Marine was a critical success, like the WWE are, here’s the freshness over at RottenTomatoes.com – 22%. That’s LOW. 4.2/10 over at IMDB.com

BACKSTAGE Todd Grisham has a word with DX. Shawn plugs some more merchandise, which HHH points out is available on WWEShop.com. They debate what they’re going to do about the ELO situation and decide to go and kick their asses. DX do a bizarre thing with an invisible elevator, which breaks when Shawn tries to use it so he has to use the invisible stairs. Added to Cyber Sunday is Flair + partner for the tag titles. You can select from the 3 legends from earlier.

ELSEWHERE Vince McMahon meets up with Eric Bischoff & The Coach. Vince wants to put the past behind him with Eric Bischoff. He mentions the personal problems with DX. Basically Vince offers to swap plugging Bischoff’s book for help with DX. Vince can’t make it to ringside and wants Bischoff to do the right thing. He understands the concept of Controversy Creates Ca$h.

Triple H w/Shawn Michaels v Randy Orton w/Edge/Lita

At ringside are The Coach & Eric Bischoff. DX get the mic but say the same stuff as usual. Shawn seems to have taken to wearing a cap to cover for his baldness. HHH starts quicker and hits a neckbreaker for 2. Suck It kneedrop scores and the spinebuster as well. Orton has already had enough and rolls outside. HHH follows to ensure Orton finds the steps…with his face. Edge distracts long enough to allow Orton to hang HHH up on the ropes. Kind of an RKO. Dropkick gets 2. DDT but this time there’s no pin. Orton decides instead to stroll around the ring looking cocky. For some bizarre reason he pulls out the Ronnie Garvin stomp for 2 before hooking up the old reliable chinlock. Orton with a head of speed but HHH meets him with a high knee. Facebuster. Lita trips HHH up so he drags her onto the apron. Orton catches him with the round the backbreaker. Shawn on the apron and Orton goes for the RKO but HHH shoves him off into Shawn & the ref. Edge in – SPEAR! Shawn throws Edge over the announce table and superkicks Coach for good measure. Edge is back up to throw Shawn into the ring post. Edge goes for another spear but HHH sidesteps it. Bischoff hands Orton a chair and he nails HHH with it for the pin.

Orton pins HHH with a chair shot

That’s it. See you in seven.