411’s WWE RAW Report 3.26.17

Welcome one and all to the Tony Show! We are two weeks away from Mania, and we’re starting the show off hot with Brock Lesnar!! He’s here in Cleveland, and Heyman is just as happy to see him as the crowd is.

Heyman introduces himself to Cleveland and presents his champion. Heyman says that we are almost to the minute, seven days removed from a savage beating by Brock Lesnar. Heyman calls himself the greatest orator in the history of the WWE, not even his articulation matches a visualization, to wit he calls our collective opinions zero and attention to the footage he is showing, now.

We get to last week where Angle tells Reigns he’s tresspassing, Roman hardcore elbows Ricky Starks, then gets his ass handed to him by Brock.

Brock is laughing live. Heyman wants to drop some Breaking News. The temporary suspension of Roman Reigns has been lifted. This means that for everyone’s whose heart is pounding saying they know how this goes, Roman is going to interrupt and you’ll hear the music, and Reigns will come out ready for a fight…here’s breaking news item #2 – Roman Reigns is not here this evening. For those that think we know the script – where Heyman gives credit to Brock – he can’t give the credit to Brock, no, Roman was raised by his father – a legend and hall of famer, and his uncle, and all the many Samoans dynasty cousins and relatives that have dominated this business – they raised Reigns to be a Samoan bad ass, a fighter, a wrestler, a winner. It’s a shame, they didn’t raise Reigns to be a man, because a man would be here. It was Reigns that said he’s here every week, Reigns shows up.

Heyman claims that Reigns is advertised, and he is not here tonight, two weeks before Mania. For the record, if the beating went the other way, if Reigns was smart enough to go to have Brock cuffed up and beat his ass, then Brock would still man up and tell Reigns to be man enough to take the title from Brock. But Reigns is not man enough. Reigns isn’t man enough to show up tonight to take another beating from Brock – which is why come Mania, Reigns isn’t man enough to take the title away from Brock….Le- Heyman is cut off by someone in the crowd. WE zoom in on Reigns walking through the crowd and of course, Michael Cole is so surprised. Graves asks how and why.

Reigns grabs a chair on the way to the ring. Brock leaves the ring and trucks it right through Brock and the chair. Brock lifts Reigns. Reigns sends Brock into the ring post. He grabs the chair and smacks Brock across the back with it. Another clap to the back. Reigns calls for the Superman Punch, and launches himself off the steps. Brock catches him and hits an over the head belly to belly suplex on the outside of the ring! Brock is up near the steps. He grabs said steps and turns to Reigns. Brock smacks Reigns right in the face with the steps! Reigns is out. Brock sends the steps into the ring. Reigns stirs. Brock looks down on him the ngrabs Reigns by the hair. He sends Reigns into the ring. Brock grabs the steps. He smacks Reigns in the face again! Brock grabs the chair and scares the refs away then smacks Reigns on the back one time. Again. Over and over to Reigns back. The crowd chants heavily for “One more time” and Brock smacks Reigns one more time across the back, then leaves the chair laid across the back of Reigns.

Brock leaves as his music plays, but Brock isn’t done yet. He heads back in the ring and lifts Reigns on his shoulders. F5 onto the ring steps in the middle of the ring!

We get footage from last week when Nia was all crazy lady after finding out Alexa hated her. Tonight, she gets her hands on Mickie James.

Match 1: Nia Jax vs Mickie James
Mickie tries for a lockup but Nia blocks. ANother, and Nia shoves Mickie across the ring. Anoth lockup and Nia tosses Mickie across the ring. Mickie rolls to the outside as we go to commercial.

We return to Cole saying, “MOre of the same,” and he couldn’t be more correct.

Nia continues tossing Mickie around then locks her up on the ropes until the ref stops her. Mickie with a hard right. Nia is pissed. Mickie leaves the ring. Nia follows. Alexa distracts, and Mickie clips the back of the leg. Kick to the back of the head. Mickie rolls back into the ring and celebrates. Mickie stands and waits. Nia is on her feet. She gets in the ring, but Mickie kicks the knee. Nia shoves her, Mickie comes back with a kick to the knee. Another. One more. Nia tosses Mickie away. Dropkick to the knee. She grabs the head and hits some raised knees to Nia’s chest. Nia lifts her up. Body slam! Nia hits the ropes. She goes for a leg drop. Mickie moves, she hits the ropes. Kick to the face. Nia with a kickout. Mickie with a pin. Another kickut at 2!!! Mickie locks the head of Nia, but Nia shoves her into the corner. She rushes the corner and Mickie dodges. Kick to the knee. Mickie goes to the top rope. Kick to Nia’s face.

Nia grabs Mickie and presses Mickie James off of the corner. Samoan Drop to Mickie. Cover for 1..2…3!!!

Winner: Nia Jax
Did ya expect anything else?
Match Quality: *
Personal Enjoyment: *
Total Rating: *

As soon as the bell rings, Alexa attacks, but Nia no sells it and turns to her with a crazy eyes. Nia screams in the middle of the ring and calls Alexa a “Little Bliss,” then a “Little Bitch.” hahaha

Video Package for Stephanie and Triple H.

The two opponents who are fighting for the CW Title at Mania are teaming up tonight. Can you be any more cliche??? Geeeeeeez…

Match 2: Cedric Alexander and Mustafa Ali vs TJ Perkins and Drew Gulak
TJ and Mustafa are in the ring. TJ hits a bodyslam then flips over from the apron. Tag to Drew who comes in and holds him sideways then hits a body slam. Cover for 1..2…NO! Gulak with a hard right. Whip to the corner hard and a back body drop from Drew. Cover for 1..2..NO!! Drew works the chin then head from behind and above. Drew with a surprise right hand to Cedric. He then runs into an elbow. Mustafa with a super flippy DDT off the top rope! Drew reaches for a tag. Gets it. Mustafa does too. Flip into a leg scissors sending TJP away. Kip up and Cedric catches a kick. Uppercut to the chin and a run, which is deflected only for Cedrick to hit a high kick. Springboard clothesline and a cover for 1..2..NO! Drew is there to stop it! Cedric rolls towards the apron and looks tostand on the outside. Mustafa is in to kick Drew out. Mustafa hits the ropes and flips over the top rope and totally misses Drew. TJP tries for a rollup and holds the rights, but Cedric fliups into a kick. Mustafa gets the tag mid-flip.

Lumbar check by Cedric! Ref kicks him out as Mustafa gets to the top rope. He hits the 054 and pins for 1..2….3!!!

Winners: Cedric Alexander and Mustafa Ali
Aren’t we getting this with Sasha and Bayley?
Match Quality: **
Personal Enjoyment: *
Total Rating: *1/2

The guys laugh off the blind tag and applaud one another cuz they’re both faces and love the Cruiserweight division.

Tonight, in something excitedly brand new, MizTV will feature Seth Rollins and Finn Balor!!!

Wait…what?

The Miz, Curtis Axel, and Bo Dallas are in the middle of the ring. Miz gets heel heat immediately by saying, “I live in LA.” hahaha. Miz says he has some stuff to address. Miz wants to get things out in the open. He wonders how they feel this whole Miztourage thing is going. Are they enjoying themselves? Yeah? Good. Cuz their talents are showcased on RAW in front of thousands. Them being happy is great, but he is not. Less than a year ago, they sucked ass. He brought them so much but failed him when he needed him the most. If he wanted failure, he never would have moved to LA, he would have stayed here in Cleveland. He can’t count on them. Axel says that Miz can! Miz says for two weeks, he has been downed. Bo knows he is frustrated, they are doing all they can. Miz wonders if that’s the best he can do. Maybe he should go BO-LIEVE himself back to catering.

Seth Rollins music hits.

Seth hates MizTV but admits this is good stuff. He doesn’t mean to interrupt. He’s gonna allow them to finish and he’s going to hang out in the corner.

Miz says Seth came out just a little early. The only problem they have is Seth. This is just an issue Miztourage needs to sort out. Seth says he can help. He can mediate. Miz, it seems these guys are feeling a little underappreciated. Honestly, when was the last time Miz looked them in their eyes and said, “Thank you?”

Miz questions this option, wonders if Seth is kidding. Seth is not. Seth claims he’d be thanking these guys every single chance he got. Without them, Miz wouldn’t be the IC Champ. Seth would be leading every crowd in Miztourage chants. Of course, this elicits a chant. Miz tries to shut the crowd up with his hand being raised. The Miztourage knows miz is grateful and know that they should be grateful for them. Miz elevated their careers, not the other way around. Even without them, Miz would still be champ, a huge star, a…….

“A phony a-lister that can’t fight!” – Bo Dallas.

ooooooooooooooo

Seth didn’t hear him and is wondering what Bo said. Miz wonders as well. Bo looks a little worried.

Finn Balors music hits. He’s out, cupping his ear, apparently wondering what Bo said as well. Finn says he’s scheduled to be here and thinks that maybe he can help as well. Everyone is wondering what Bo said, but Finn actually heard him. Bo Dallas said that the Miz was the biggest jerk that he’d ever met. Bo takes offense, says he didn’t call Miz a jerk. Finn tells Miz it was something like, “jerk, loser, or coward….”

Bo corrects them with the truth, and realizes he repeated the insult. Miz looks towards Bo. Miz wants Bo to say it again. He’s in the face of Bo. Axel looks like the worried older brother.

Bo is about to repeat himself, and Miz slaps him mid sentence. Bo looks to attack. Axel holds him back. Miz says he’s trying to fire them up, motivate you. He’s letting Seth and Finn dividing them. The only thing that matters is the title. Miz is 34 days from being the longest reigning IC Champ of all time. He will be the greatest. Better than Macho Man, HBK, Mr. Perfect……

Curtis Axel’s face goes blank. He turns to stare at The Miz. Finn and Seth clear the air as Miz says that was a slipup. Miz wants everyone to calm down. He wants to start a breathing exercise. He says that Miztourage doesn’t need this. Everyone here, sorry, but MizTV is now cancelled. Miz holds his hand up, tells the guys they need to get out of here. Bo stops Miz from leaving. Axel does the same. Miz apologizes off mic. Seth and Finn are laughing it off. Miz is backed up by his two goons. Finn and Seth are behind him. Miz says no one wants to see this. The crowd cheers.

Miz backs up into Finn and Seth. They are all smiles. Miz lowers his head….

Axel and Bo attack Finn and Seth!!! They go straight for the faces!! Miz is grinning like crazy! He turns and attacks Finn and Seth!!! He beats down Finn then stands to point at his head to show how smart he is! Miz calls for the Skull Crushing Finale on FInn, but Anderson and Gallows are here! Axel and Bo fight them off up the ramp. They leave as Miz stands in the ring looking on. He turns slowly, and there’s Finn. Miz goes for a shot with the belt. Finn with a SLingblade. Seth is in the corner. He rushes for a curbstomp, but Miz rolls out.

Seth: “You think you’re smarter than The Architect, pal?”

Well….yes, yes he does.

Finn grabs the IC Title and stares at the Mania sign. Seth turns him and grabs the belt from Finn. He holds it up high. Balor shoves Seth, and attacks MIz, who was trying to attack! Seth shoves Miz to the outside, then turns…right into a fist by Finn!!! Finn holds the title high in the air with a smile!

Backstage, Kane is sulking in a red place. Apparently, there are some demons that don’t want to be disturbed, and only want to rest in peace. Now, Cena must suffer for being stupid. Cena isn’t going to Mania. He’s going to hell.

Match 3: Asuka vs Jamie Frost

Frost with a hard slap. Asuka smiles. Huge kick to the face from ASuka. Cover for 1..2….3!!!

Winner: Asuka
Welp….
Match Quality: NR
Personal Enjoyment: NR
Total Rating: NR

We head to the commentary booth, and Cole reminds us that he apologized to all of us. Corey claims that Cole offended everyone and even Matt called him an Obsolete Mule. Corey Graves liked it so much, he wants to relive it.

We get a slideshow to the music of Matt and the narration of Corey Graves.

Cole still tries to put down the angle during all of this.

Matt Hardy says that as a result of the Ultimate Deletion, the essence from the vessel known as Bray Wyatt is no more. The evil stench has been replaced by sweet smell of Senor Benjamin’s spring daisies. It is sublime. The Great War is finally over, but now he must set his sights on the stage of the grandest; Wrestlemania. He shall honor the legacy of Humungous Wonder #8. He will win the Battle Royal, and anyone who opposes him will suffer the same fate of Wyatt.

Cole, again, calls it “obnoxiouuuusss.”

We shift gears to Sasha and Bayley’s drama. Backstage, Bayley is on her phon.e In comes Sasha, neither looking happy. Sasha received Bayley’s text. Bayley said good. She just wanted to let her know that she is entering the Battle Royal, and that’s it. Bayley knows what Sasha did last week. Sasha is sick of her passive aggressive nonsense. Bayley says she thought she loved when Bayley was passive. Sasha loves that Bayley puts he first, that Sasha lets her walk around and act like she’s the Legit Boss.

Sasha says she does what she wants for herself and her career, and maybe Bayley should do the same so no one thinks she’s a loser.

Bayley says Sasha keeps screwing her over because she knows that Sasha can’t beat Bayley.

Sasha says she is a 4 time champion.

Bayley: “And how long did you keep it?”

Sasha is pissed. She slams Bayley into the lockers nearby! Bayley fights back but Sasha won’t let up. Bayley finally drops her on a table and hits a bunch of right hands. Refs are here to break it up. Bayley is down to fight. Sasha breaks througnh and attacks, but Bayley tops her and goes for soem rights. The refs stop it again.

Damn. They could have done this so many different times and so much better….

Braun is here to kill a man.

Cesaro and Sheamus cut a small promo on Braun and his grappling hook. They claim to have Braun figured out – Braun catches poeple off guard. Cesaro screams out Braun. That’s scary, and that’s how he won the tag team battle royal. There wil be no surprises come Mania, though, because they want to know who the tag team partner is. They want to prepare professionally. They are The Bar.

Braun grabs a mic, says he’ll tell them right now….all Sheamus has to do is get in the ring and beat him.

Sheamus wonders how this is fair. It doesn’t make any sense. They want an answer right now…

Braun says maybe they’ll get an answer, but Braun guarantees Sheamus will get these hands.

Match 4: Braun Strowman vs Sheamus
Cesaro distracts, Sheamus attacks with right hands, backing Braun into the corner. Sheamus gets whipped then tossed across the ring. Sheamus sends the running Braun to the outside. Sheamus hangs Braun up. Sheamus turns hi and goes for a beatdown, but Braun turns him and sends Sheamsu to the outside. Braun sends Sheamus back in te ring. Sheamsu stands on the apron. Braun shoves him hard and he flies into the barricade.

We are back and Braun is walking into the ring while Sheamus struggles in the corner. Braun runs straight into the post as Sheamsu side steps. Sheamus to the top rope. Clothesline to Braun and a cover for 1…NO! Sheamus with a running kick to the gut of Brain. Stomps to Braun. Cesaro on the apron. He’s about to hit a right, but the ref notices and stops him. Sheamus gets hit, Braun squashes him in the corner.

Powerslam to Sheamus. Cover for 1..2…3!!!

Winner: Braun Strowman
Nicely done, fellas, albeit hella short.
Match Quality: **
Personal Enjoyment: **
Total Rating: **

Kurt Angle is here to remind us that we are two weeks away from Wrestlemania and his match with Ronda. This brings out Ronda.

Ronda is all smiles as she heads to the ring. Angle knows Mania is intimidating for anyone, but after watching her train, Angle thinks that she is ready. After hearing what HHH and Steph said, they write and make the rules. They mean it, Angle says. They’ll be prepared for everything. Mania wil be fun but not easy.

Ronda says good cuz she didn’t come looking for easy. She came to gain everything she gets. Steph can talk tough, but she’s trust fund tough. And she’s Personal Trainer tough. Steph will get everything she deserves, which is Ronda ripping her arm out of her socket.

This brings out….Paige, Mandy, and Sonya…

Paige says the one thing that will break down Ronda in the WWE is not having friend. Paige introduces herself and Absolution. They want to formally welcome her to RAW. Ronda smiles them off. Paige says that this is their show and her house. Paige gets in the ring while Mandy and Sonya stand on the apron. Paige says you get lost in the shuffle and people will rtake advantage of you.

Ronda appreciates the offer for back up, but she’s got an Olympic Gold Medalist watching her six. Paige says Angle doesn’t have her back. OF course, Angle is the Best GM ever, but she wouldn’t be an enemy of Trips and Steph if he had her back. Paige has been there and keeps calling Ronda baby girl. She could be the 4th member of Absolution.

Angle is lookin at her like Paige be cray. Ronda thanks her for the offer, again, but says no. Paige gets it, she made her choice, but it’s not a good one. Ronda could have had best friends, but instead made some worse enemies.

Sonya and Mandy enter the ring. Ronda rops the mic. Mandy goes for her, Angle blocks to prevent it. Sonya tries to attack and Ronda gives her a right hand. Mandy kicks. Ronda grabs the leg. T-Bone suplex to Mandy. Ronda stares a hole in the girls. Mandy goes for another attack, but Ronda hip tosses her down and holds the arm! Angle tries to stop her, Ronda isn’t listening. She bends the arm back. Angle tries to tell her to stop. Ronda releases the hold.

Ronda’s Julia Stiles impression is great.

Angle hugging Ronda after this, however, is not.

Match 5: Gallows and Anderson vs The Miztourage
We come to the match in play. Anderson gets sent off the apron and Bo gets tagged in then attacks on the outside. He runs the knee into the face, smashing it against the barricade. Bo rolls him in the ring and covers for 1..2..NO! Cravat from behind. Too Sweet chant. Anderson turns inot the hold but Bo won’t allow it. He works Anderson down to th mat. Tag to Axel who comes in with a hard right to the back. Axel with a dropkick to Anderson. Axel sends Anderson into the corner. Tag to Bo. Bo in with a hard clothesline. He tosses Anderson into a DDT by Axel. Pin for 1..2..NO!!! Cravat from behind by Bo. Anderson escapes. SPINEBUSTER! Tag to Gallows. Dallas knocked off the apron. Gallows with a kick to the head! Pumphandle Slam! Splash in the center of the ring. Tag to Anderson. Boot of Doom to Axel. Pin for 1..2..NO!!! Bo in to break it up. Gallwos drags him out. Bo hits an elbow. Kick from Gallows to Bo. Axel with a kick to Anderson in the ring. Locking up for PerfectPlex. Andrerson with an uppercut. Anderson up top. Axel is standing.

Anderson with a flying neckbreaker. Tag to Axel. Magic Killer to Axel! Pin for 1..2….3!!!

Winners: Luke Gallows and Karl Anderson.
Not bad but also no matter.
Match Quality: **
Personal Enjoyment: **
Total Rating: **

Elias is here to play us a tune and ask us a question…

His song is broken up by Heath Slater and Rhyno.

Match 6: Rhyno vs Elias
Rhyno sends ELi into the corner. Whip is reversed and Rhyno trucks over Eli. Headbutt from Rhyno. Eli with some stomps over and over. His man bun must give him extra strength. Eli squeezes the head from behind. Rhyno turns into it and hits some rights. Eli grabs the hair. He pulls Rhyno down. Elbow drop from Eli, but he misses. Eli with a right, Rhyno returns the favor. Whip to the ropes. Eli with a blow to the back of th ehead. Rhyno trucks him down again. Right hand in the corner. Again. Eli fights back. Whip to Elki. Rhyno runs into a knee.

Eli with a clothesline. Eli hooks the leg. Drift Away. Pin for 1..2…3!!!

Winner: ELias

Match Quality: *
Personal Enjoyment: *
Total Rating: *

Heath is in the ring checking on Rhyno. Elias turns around and attacks! He kicks Heath on the side and grabs Heath by the head. Drift Away to Heath.

Cena video package where he comes off as a douchey whiney dude.

Cena takes the time to talk to the cam, holds up an Ellen towel, and says what’s up to Coach. Because he’s black. And Cena thinks he is Denzel Washington.

Good lord, is the match starting now? That’s so much time….

Match 7: Kane vs John Cena
Kane with some rights. Uppercut to Cena into the corner as Cole reminds us this is a NO DQ match. Kane grabs Cena by the hair and gives him another slap to the face. Cena is on his knees. Kane with a right to the head. Cena with some rights. Kane with a big boot. Cena to the outside. Kane grabs him by the head and drives him into the barricade. Kane rolls Cena back in the ring as the crowd chants for Taker. Kane drops an elbow to the face of Cena. Cover for 1..2..NO! Kane with a cravat from behind. Kane goes for the firemans, but Kane is too heavy and Cena collapses. Cover from Kane for 1..2..NO!! Kane with a right hand. Another to the face. They’re on the outside now. Cena tries to fight back and whip Kane but Kane sends him into the steps.

We are back to RAW and the guys are fighting near the announce booth. Cena has a metal barricade and sends it into Kane! Kane suplexes Kane onto the barricade that is set up at an angle from Stage to ground. It bends under the weight of Cena and Cole sells it as death. Kane grabs Cena by the head and drags him heading towards the ring. He tosses Cena over the barricade back onto the mat, ringside. WE missed Cena tossing Kane into some steps. Kane rolls Cena into the ring then removes the turnbuckle. Cena sits up like The Undertaker! Ok…..

Kane removes the turnbuckle padding. Cena hits the ropes. Shoulder tackle. Again. Protobomb.Cena with the Five Knuckle Shuffle. Kane stands up. Cena sends him into the exposed turnbuckle. Cena crosses his neck! Chokeslam to Kane! 1..2….Kane kicks out!!!Cena heads to the outside. He lifts up the ring apron and pulls out a table. He sends it into the ring. Kane is up! Goes for a slam, but Cena lifts him up for an AA. Kane flips the table! He uppercuts Cena. Kane sets the table up in the corner. Kane tosses Cena into the table!!! Kane covers for 1..2..NO!!! Kane heads to the outside to see what’s under the ring. He grabs another table. Kane sets it up. He waits for Cena to turn.

Chokeslam attempt to Cena. Cena floats out, lifts up Kane. AA into the table! Cover for 1…2….3!!!

Winner: John Cena
Welp…
Match Quality: **1/2
Personal Enjoyment: ***
Total Rating: **3/4

Cena stands in the middle of the ring. He has a mic in hand and looks dumbfounded. Cena wonders where the lightening is, bells of terror. No Taker. This is a match with no rules. Anything could happen and anyone could be here. Where are you? Undertaker!!!!!!

The crowd chants for The Undertaker. Cena stares at the camera. He says he knows Taker isn’t deaf, he’s just a coward. Night after night, city after city, they’ve chanted his name, and The Undertaker. He doesn’t get to be mysterious here. Silence is not an answer. It’s yes or it’s no.

YES! YES! YES! chant. Cena is fine with no, because he will go to Wrestlemania as a fan. But get your eyes out of the back of your head and look at the energy when they chant yes, Undertaker, DO SOMETHING! Cena nearly busts a vein here.

He tells The Undertaker that he only has one week left that’ll sum up his entire career. Taker can do something, or he can do nothing. But if he does nothing, he’ll let Cena down, let Kane down, but also made it clear to everyone that Cena does not care about them and cares only about himself. He hopes, for the sake of all that is good inside this ring, that he sees Taker next week.

End Show