411’s WWE RAW Report 5.21.12

Welcome to 411’s LIVE WWE Raw Report 5.21.12
Championship Roll Call:
WWE Champion: CM Punk
World Champion: Sheamus
US Champion: Santino Marella
IC Champion: Christian
Unified Diva’s Champion: Layla
WWE World Tag Team Champions: Kofi Kingston and R Truth

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After a slideshow of Ace and Cena’s match, we start practically the same as every other Monday after a Pay Per View, with John Cena coming to the ring to talk about the match he had last night. He even brings this up by sayin that he’s had many a Monday when he congratulates his opponent from the night before. Cena points out that if Ace would have lost, he can almost guarantee that Show would have been re-hired, even the dumb ass computerized General Manager. He then mocks Cole, but it sounds more like Johnny Ace, as it appears that’s the only voice Cena knows how to do. He says Show Benadict Arnold’s him then accentuates the fact that we are stuck with “this people power garbage!”

Eve welcoming the Permanent General Manager of both RAW and Smackdown, and the man who beat John Cena last night, Mr. John Lauranaitis. Johnny Ace comes out on a motorized wheelchair apparatus and Eve helps him out of it so that he can stand atop a crutch. Ace said that the docs told him he has a possible broken clavicle, an injured ACL and possible spinal injury, not to mention all the contusions over his body. He cannot lift his left arm or move his left leg. This is all ok, because he is a fierce competitor in that ring. But when he is out of it, he is an executive. No one can lay a finger on him ever again, and if they do, that person will be terminated. He wants to now introduce a man that he re-hired, and a man that John Cena will face at No Way Out, The Big Show!

Here comes The Show! Show is out in a suit. Show is noticeably disappointed as the fans start a You Suck chant. He is sure that everyone wants an explanation, but frankly none of us are entitled to our explanation. Last week, he was on his knees to Ace, doing something that he’s never done before. No one loves this business more than he does. No one. He was so upset that he found himself crying. Everyone watched a grown ass man cry. The crowd calls him a sell out as he points out that we didn’t give him any sympathy. He did what he had to do, what each and everyone of us would have done. He has an ironclad contract now, and he’s proud. How dare Cena and any of us judge him. He is screaming all of this, by the way. He will be judging Cena on June 17th, because he’s going to knock out…

Here comes David Otunga, seemingly randomly. He’s got a mic. He points out that Cena lost to his boss, and now it’s time Cena loses to him. Cena is on the mic, he wants to tell Otunga something real quick; he is not in the mood. He tells David to go watch reruns of Law and Order, because if he gets in the ring with Cena tonight, he promises that Cena is going to hurt him. Otunga is still down, but he pauses. He wants to dedicate this match to Mr. Laurinaitis.

Match 1: David Otunga vs. John Cena
Cena rushes into the corner, so Otunga grabs the rope before Cena can grab on. The ref breaks them up and he does the rush once again, only for Battletoad Otunga to leave the ring. Cena follows and OTunga slips back in. Cena follows, and out goes Otunga. Cena tries to trick him, chases Otunga out of the ring and back into it only for Otunga to beat on the back of Cena. He flexes for Mr. Ace, and Cena takes the opportunity to go on the offense. Some rights and a toss into the corner. Clothesline into the corner, then another off the ropes. Cena holds up Otunga for an AA, takes enough time for me to do my taxes, hits the AA on Otunga, then locks in the STF.
Winner: John Cena (*)
Not that Otunga needs to be kept strong or anything, but no one thinks for a second that Otunga is anything more than Ace’s Carlton.

After the match, Curt Hawkins, Tyler Reks, Darren Young and Titus O’Neil attack Cena! They pound on him for a minute before Sheamus’s music hits! Out comes Sheamus, trucking over Johnny Ace in the process! Cena and Sheamus toss the four young superstars over the top rope, but here’s Ace. He questions the four young superstars, says he didn’t give them permission, then sends them to the back. As for Cena and Sheamus, it looks like the audience likes to see them in action, so they’re going to be in a tag team match in a 2 on 3 handicap match. Wait, for the first time ever on RAW, it’ll be a 2 on 3, Handicap, Lumberjack Match…you mean we don’t get anything on a pole?

We’re back with Ricardo Rodriguez in the ring, presumably waiting to announce Del Rio. Santino’s music hits, instead, though, and he comes out with the Cobra on hand. He says that he doesn’t understand Rodriguez, and he doesn’t think anyone does. He says that he doesn’t roll his r’s and calls his eyebrows catepillars. Ricardo tries, and Santino says it sucks, then rolls some R’s of his own. Ricardo and he roll em back and forth, sounding like a squealing Chewbacca. He pulls up the Cobra and Ricardo backs off. Ricardo tries to remove his jacket, but gets stuck and Santino claims he has no choice, but to hit the Cobra. He wants to now show how it’s done. He requests Del Rio’s music and announces him as weighing in at 108 give a craps, coming from some place in Mexico.

Before any match happens, we get a promo for RAW’s 1,000th episode. More dubstep! They announce the show at being 3 hours each and every Monday…

Del Rio doesn’t look too happy at Santino announcing him.

After a break, we come back to Cole and King trying to cover up the dumb mistake of Ace saying he resigned Show on Saturday, thus meaning he was a WWE Superstar and interrupting the match on Sunday would mean he’d be fired….geez, man.

Match 2: Randy Orton vs. Alberto Del Rio
Lockup to start. Side headlock from Orton. Del Rio leads him into the corner. Orton is able to hit some kicks then a body slam. He drops a knee, but Del Rio is out of the way. Del Rio with a kick to the arm of Orton, then attacks the arm. His next move is deflected and Orton stomps the arm. Orton gets him in the corner and mounts for ten punches. He gets to four before Del Rio slips out onto the apron. Bad move, as Orton sets him up for the DDT. Del Rio flips him over rthe ropes though, and Orton lands on the apron. Del Rio kicks the leg then hangs up Orton as we go to break.

Back to the show and Del Rio has Orton’s left arm in a hold. Orton with a headbutt or two but Del Rio uses his knees acorss the arm of Orton. He drops one more knee on his head then pins for 1….22…NO! An armbar from Del Rio, but Orton gets out. Del Rio fights back with a kick to the arm. Del Rio hits the ropes then flies across the ring. Orton ducks out of the way, sending Orton to the outside. Orton hits a clotheslines, one more. Powerslam from Orton. Orton sends Del Rio to the ropes and hits the rope-assisted DDT. He’s looking for the RKO. Here’s Jericho! Codebreaker to Randy Orton!
Winner: Randy Orton via DQ (**)

Jericho grabs the mic. He is the best in the world at what he does. He repeats this, louder. One more time! The best at EVERYTHING he does! Orton stands, so Jericho hits another Codebreaker, a bit more sloppily. Jericho looks to leave the ring then reconsiders. He lifts Orton by head head, nose to nose with Orton, then hits one more, better looking Codebreaker.

Back to the show, and Daniel Bryan is here to talk about the controversy at the end of the match with CM Punk. If you missed it, Bryan had the YES! Lock in while being pinned and the 1, 2, 3 count was hit around the time Punk tapped out. Bryan says that last night, a great injustice was done. He should be the new WWE Champion. He then has video footage of Punk tapping, ignoring the ref’s three count completely. Question and Answer time with Daniel Bryan. Did he make CM Punk tap out? YES! haha. Should he be the WWE Champion? YES! If he faces CM Punk one more time, will he make him tap out again? YES! YES! YES! The crowd chants NO! NO! NO! in retort. haha. The only reason he is not the champion is because of the incompetence of one referee and he demands a rematch. CM Punk is here with his belt!

Punk wants to clear up any controversy. He calls last night’s battle one of the greatest battles, but Bryan is forgetting one thing; he beat Daniel Bryan 1, 2, 3 and he would love to settle all of this but he wants to remind Bryan of what went down last Friday night on Smackdown. We are taken back to Smackdown where Bryan attacked Kane, making him think it was Punk. It is because of this that CM Punk has the pleasure of introducing Bryan’s opponent for this evening….KANE.

Match 3: Daniel Bryan vs. Kane
Bryan gets some kicks in quickly but Kane knocks him across the ring then hits hard rights into the corner. Kane whips Bryan to the opposite corner and follows up with a clothesline. He goes for another, but Bryan moves and Bryan hits a dropkick in the corner. He goes up top and flies off, right into a chokeslam attempt. Bryan floats over and holds the ropes as Kane runs towards him. Bryan holds the ropes and Kane flies over. Both Kane and Bryan are on the outside. Here’s Punk with the chair. He looks at Bryan, then goes to attack Kane but Bryan stops him! Bryan grabs the chair and here’s Kane to catch him red-handed. Kane big boots Bryan in the face as Punk giggles. Kane with the chair, and he smacks the back of Bryan over and over as the ref calls for the bell.
Winner: Daniel Bryan via DQ (*)

Afterwards, Kane sends Bryan into the ring. Kane with the chokeslam. Kane isn’t done, though, and hits yet another chokeslam as Punk mockingly calls it carnage. Punk claims that he wants to make sure he is ok. Punk gets in the ring, locks in the Anaconda Vice for a bit, then does the Yes Chant.

Backstage, the wonderful and crazy AJ comes out from around the corner and she wants to tell Punk something. She really wants him to know that she enjoyed watching him beat up DanielBryan . He call her sadistic and she gets all hypervent-ish. He tells her that she’s the one that’s been acting like a fool, and she starts crying. He isn’t sure how to help her out, and finally succumbs to a hug for AJ. He pets her down, saying it’s going to be fine…repeats it hilariously. He says stop crying, she stops immediately and looks at him like an obedient little puppy. CM punk says he sort of digs crazy chicks….me too, Punk….me tooo…..

We get a recap of Paul Heyman punking HHH into assault.

Roberts is in the ring and wants to introduce a man who has been gone for 8 months and the NEW Intercontinental Champion, Christian! He’s in action, next.

Match 4: Christian vs. Jinder Mahal
Lockup but Jinder hits a knee, and another. A club to the back then a whip, and he lifts, but Christian with an inverted DDT. He goes up top and hits a missle ddropkick! he looks for his peeps and goes to grab Jinder on the apron, but the reg stops him which allows Jinder to toss Christian over the ropes. Mahal hangs Christian over the apron and drops an elbow on the face of Christian then a few knees to the chest of Christian. Double Underhook Suplex into a pin for 1…2..NO! Christian kicks out. Jinder with a cross face chickenwing held in lightly. Christian is up and tries fighting out, but Jinder sends him chest first into the turnbuckle. Christian hops up and over into a Sunset flip but only get sa 2. Christian with some right, a hard clothesline. Jinder is hung up on the ropes, Christian hops over and uppercuts him. Christian is up, spinning back elbow form the middle rope! He’s calling for the Killswitch, but Jinder goes for a back suplex. Christian deflects and runs into a high knee from Jinder. Jinder calls for the Camel Clutch, but Christian escapes and hits the Killswitch! Instead of covering, he’s going up top! Frog Splash from Christian and a pin for 1…2….3!!!
Winner: Christian (**1/2)
Not bad. Jinder looked much better and it’s nice to see Christian return. It appears that Christian is looking for a new finisher, and found it in a frog splash.

Kelly is in the back, looking very patriotic.

Match 5: Beth Pheonix vs. Kelly Kelly
Beteh grabs Kelly and tosses her down quickly. Kicks to Kelly. Beth lifts her up and hits a body slam. Beh drops an elbow then a leg drop and a pin. Layla is shown in the back watching. Kelly tries to fight back, Beth puses her across the ring. Beth lifts and Kelly rolls her up for 1…2..NO! Beth clotheslines Kelly down.Beth tosses Kelly in the ocrner then flies head first into the turnbuckle. She turns into a Lou Thesz press and Kelly hits some right. Kelly with a hurricanrana (excessive spinning included). She sends Beth in the corner. Kelly does a carthweel into a springboard, but Beth hits her in the back of the head, hard. Beth follows up with a Glam Slam and the pin for 1…2…3!!!
Winner: Beth Pheonix (*)
Looks like Beth isn’t done with Layla.

Cena and Sheamus make their entrance. Vickie Guerrero is here shortly after to introduce to us

Match 6: Handicap Lumberjack Match
John Cena and Sheamus vs. Jack Swagger, Dolph Ziggler and Lord Tensai
It appears Tensai lost his lordship, because he comes out as Tensai for tonight’s match. Here come the lumberjacks. They are all heels, obviously.

Ziggler and Sheamus to start. Ziggler from behind. but Sheamus turns it into a side headlock take down. Sheamus hits a shoulder block off the rope and I miss a move, but Ziggler probably hita clothelsine then gets pushed up in the ari by Sheamus and pinned for two. Sheamus tags Cena in and Ziggler tag Swagger in. Swagger knocks Cena down, does a few pushups, then gets his ass clotheslined. Cena backs up as Swagger tags in Tensai. Lock up but Tensai hits a back elbow instead and Tensai starts in with the shoulders as Swagger gets the blind tag. Boots from Swagger. Shoulders into the opposite corner. Swagger flies to hit the tag and Sheamus comes in with some axe handles, followed by a shoulder block in the corner, followed by a high knee and a body slam into a pin. Ziggler is in to save the matchup but Ziggler tosses him to the outside as Swagger tags Tensai. King notices the obvious that the lumberjacks are leaving Ziggler alone. Tensai sends Sheamus to the outside. Sheamus fights them off and runs up the stairs into a number of them. Jericho is a lumberjack?! Sad. Anyways, Sheamus gets back in the ring and Tensai is in control once again. Tag to Swagger. Swagger hits some kicks then distracts the ref as Ziggler attacks for a bit. Tag to Tensai and he pulls Sheamus away from the ropes, then wrenches the head of Sheamus as we go to a commercial break

We are back and Sheamus misses the Brogue kick on Swagger. Swagger locks in the ankle lock and drags Sheamus to the corner. Tensai tags himself in and hits a right. Sheamus fires back with one of his own. Another, and yet another. Tensai whips Sheamus into the corner. He’s looking for a splash, and hits it! Sheamus falls and Tensai tries to send him to the outside. Sheamus holds on but only for a second as he kicks him off. Jericho, Young, Titus and other attack Sheamus then roll him back in. Tensai hits some headbutts all the way down to the bottom rope then shoves a boot into Sheamus’ face. tag to Swagger. Sheamsu grabs Swagger’s head though and hits some rights. Swagger with a hit to the upperback but Sheamus hits a few gut shots into the ace. He goes for a tag but Swagger gets a drop toe hold. He gets a front faced headlock and rolls Sheamus back to the corner. Cool. Tag to Ziggler. Kick to the head of Sheamus. Sheamus is up real quick though, and hits a kick. He’s looking for the Razor’s Edge but Ziggler gets out kicks, hits the ropes and comes back with a fameasser! Pin for 1…2…NO!!! Sheamus reaches for the tag, but Ziggler holds onto the ankle and reaches back for a tag to Swagger. Axe handle to the back of Sheamus and a kick to the gut of Sheamus. Big Show appears at the top of the ramp. Swagger with a pin, but he only gets a two count. Swagger with a hold from behind, hugging the side. He rolls Sheamus away from Cena. The hold is broken but only for a short time as Swagger sends Sheamus back into the heel corner and tags in Tensai. Tensai stomps Sheamus down then hits him with aa hip to the head. Tensai with a right to the head but Sheamus dfights back on his knees. He hits rights to the gut then to the head! Tensai fires back with a knee to the gut, though. Body slam from Tensai then a leg drop and a pin for 1…2…NO! Tensai drags Sheamus, tags in Ziggler. Ziggler kicks nad tags in Swagger. Sheamus is in the corner, and he tries to fight back. Hit to Ziggler, hit to Tensai. Finlay Roll to Ziggler. Cena is in! Shoulderblock, one more. Protobomb. Ziggler cannot see him. He is about to hit the five knuckle shuffle, but all of the lumberjacks attack Sheamus. Cena goes to save him but the lumberjacks send him to the inside.
Winners: No Contest? (**1/2)
What was the point of that ending? If there is a point, and I missed it, it became pointless the minute that Cena following The Big Show became more important than the massive brawl in the ring.

All the lumberjacks attack Cena and Sheamus, now in the ring. Jericho is yelling form the outside. Here comes random faces to help out, including CM Punk, Christian and Truth. A huge brawl. Cena leaves the ring and Cole says he’s looking for the Big Show. Everyone in the ring is fighting for no apparent reason as Cena is in the back, running around for Show. He runs into Johnny Ace. He wants to know where Show is. Ace reminds him that he can’t touch him. Cena turns right into a blast from Big Show. Ouch. The show ends with Show following Ace, who is doing his best Dr. House impression.