411’s WWE SmackDown! Report 08.07.09

It’s that Lansdell guy again! Yeah I’m still here reviewing Smackdown, which means nobody has stepped up yet! Come on, it’s the best wrestling on TV, you know you want to review it! In the meantime, you’ll have to tolerate my awesome.

Bring on the dancing bears!

We start the proceedings with a recap of last week’s awesome match between Morrison and Hardy. And by the way, I missed out “TV” from my proclamation last week, but I still say it’s the best TV match I saw all year.

CM Punk is out to start the show and…the title match is now? Huh? Maybe not, seems like he’s here to talk. He tried, he says. Tried so very hard to empathize with all the fans’ weaknesses. He implored them all to just say no. I said no, Punky. All the empathy got was for them to love Jeff Hardy more. He won’t give up though, he still believes in teaching them the difference between right and wrong. It’s going to be a challenge but he will meet it head on. We get a recap of the well-executed heel turn and beatdown from last week After the recap Punk says the fans all like Hardy because they are just like him. The reality is that none of them have the strength to be straight edge. They gravitate towards Jeff because it’s the easy way out, it’s easier to be weak like Jeff than STRONG LIEK BULL, err Punk. The fans can boo all they want, but they boo because they know it’s true. Their prescriptions say 1 every 4 hours, but the fans can’t tell him they don’t take 4, 5 or 6 an hour like they were Pez. PEZ REFERENCE! He doesn’t smoke, and those who do are stupid. Who ignores the Surgeon General? The warning is right on the pack! And let’s talk about the funny cigarettes. The crowd gives a mild cheer, and he is shocked that people would cheer something that is stupid AND illegal. AMEN BRO! They’re all criminals, but he isn’t and he never will be. He moves on to alcohol. It’s a gateway drug apparently. If you even take one drink, you’re an alcoholic. Ummm, not so much, but that’s why he’s a heel. The people need a strong leader, someone who can stand up and just say no, who can carry the title with respect, honor and several other admirable qualities. We need CM Punk as champion. Look ma, heel heat! Wait, the match IS now?

World Heavyweight Championship – CM Punk vs. Jeff Hardy (C)

Hardy’s facepaint is channeling that ubiquitous character from Nightmare before Christmas tonight. Jack? I dunno, never seen it. They start off before the bell even rings as Hardy jumps Punk and pounds shit out of him. The ring fills with refs trying to separate the two as Teddy Long comes down too. The refs get them apart and

NO CHANCE!

Vinny Mac in da hizzouse! Teddy Long can’t control anything, not a good plan if he’s on probation. Vince tells everyone to get to the back and is going to do what Long should have done: have a special guest enforcer who will maintain control. And that enforcer is…well the guest enforcer is…you know what? He’s going to make everyone here wait to find out. Hardy jumps Punk again! Punk is pissed but we’re going to have to wait til later. Commercial!

John Morrison vs. Tyson Kidd

I STILL love Morrison’s entrance. This guy has improved a lot this year, shedding the spot monkey label. Kidd is showing promise too, so this should be special.

They lock up and go all around the ring tra-la as Morrison grabs a waistlock. Kidd gets control briefly before Morrison gets an armbar. Kidd pulls guard and makes the ropes. Kidd uses the boot to the gut to gain control and lays in some forearms and kicks to keep it. A whip by Kidd, Morrison goes between the legs and hits a swank dropkick for two. Whip by Morrison, Kidd holds on and tries to kick a charging Morrison, who catches the kick and yanks Tyson off the ropes before dropping a spinny leg drop for 2 more. European uppercut by Morrison but Kidd avoids the charge and throws him high over the top to the floor. Natalya and DH Smith catch him from behind before Kidd hits a baseball slide to the back, sending Morrison to the barricade. Kidd rolls him in and gets a 2 as we go to break again.

SummerSlam pimping. I fear an Aerosmith guest-hosting of Raw coming soon.

Back from break with Morrison in a chinlock. He tries to fight out but Kidd drops an elbow for 2 then applies it again. Sort of a headlock/chinlock cross, and it looks nasty. Morrison again elbows out, Kidd jumps on his back with a sleeper but Morrison runs him into the turnbuckles and flips him over. They exchange some stiff shots and leg kicks until Morrison ducks a kick and hits one of his own simultaneously. Nice spot. Clotheslines now by Morrison, a whip and a leg lariat followed by a standing SSP for 2. JR calls it a moonsault. Ummm, no. It wasn’t spot-on tonight either, but it’s not like I could hit it. Whip to the corner, Morrison charges into an elbow and Kidd tries a victory roll, which Morrison turns into a small package for 2. RINGS OF SATURN by Kidd!!! Morrison breaks the hold so Kidd drops a leg over Morrison’s neck, which is over the middle rope. Springboard blockbuster by Kidd! 2 only. Stomps in the corner now, Kidd backs off and charges but gets lifted to the apron. He tries to come back in with a small package, Morrison rolls through and tries a knee strike, Kidd ducks, hits a back kick to the gut and comes off the ropes INTO A POWER BOMB! Great reversal of the rana gets 2 only. Morrison tries the Moonlight Drive but gets thrown to the floor, he keeps an eye on the other two Dynasty members, slides back into the ring through Kidd’s legs and hits the Flying Chuck. STARSHIP PAIN! Damn he caught Kidd in the face with the knees! 1…2…3!

Winner: John Morrison via pinfall (Moonlight Drive)
Rating: ***½ Very strong outing from both men, lots of offence for Kidd before the right man went over. There was a good flow to the match and it was just good. More please.

Grisham says Morrison looked like Tony Hawk without a skateboard. Wow, worst analogy ever.

WORD UP time! This week’s word is pretenda. A fake, a fraud, a wannabe. A paper champion. Ashlee Simpson, Milli Vanilli, Christina and Chewbacca the Show. Aaaaand here’s Jesse. He seems to be growing on Cryme Time. This is bad. Very bad.

Jesse wrestles, NEXT!

Did you know…that you cannot sneeze with your eyes open?

Charlie Haas vs. Slam Master J

The ring announcer calls Haas “Charlie Huss”. Bzerker reference! Jesse is announced as being from “the ATL” and reminds me of early Cena. Be afraid. Terry Gordy is rolling in his grave.

Haas hits a couple of stiff shots early but J uses his speed to come back…until he runs into a belly to belly for 2. Modified cobra clutch applied by Haas, J fights out quickly but gets slammed across the knee with a cobra clutch backbreaker. Slam Master has cornrows. Seriously. Whip by Haas but J comes back with a flying forearm. Inverted atomic followed by a pair of clotheslines, and the crowd is so dead I just heard grandma Miriam fart in row J. Slam Master goes up top but Haas intercepts and goes for a superplex. J blocks, throws Haas down and hits a splash from the top for 3. Val Venis would be proud of that money shot.

Winner: Slam Master J via pinfall (big splash)
Rating: * It’s a bad thing when Haas is out there as enhancement talent…and looks better. Jesse did nothing to impress at all.

R-Truth vs. Finlay vs. Mike Knox vs. Doph Ziggler – Winner gets an Intercontinental title match at Summerfest

Rey Misterio is out to watch the match and maybe even provide some commentary. I think he’s wearing the same jeans that Slam Master J was wearing. R-Truth is out first, rapping and looking like he fell face-first into a pile of old staples. Finlay smiling still looks wrong. Good Lord, Knox’s beard is EXPANDING! It’s on his chest! Ziggler is last out, having raided Stone Cold’s cast-offs for his jacket. He does exude charisma though.

Finlay and Ziggler pair off, Knox and Truth. Knox hits a crossbody on Ziggler after R-Truth ducked, the pin was broken up. Knox leveled everyone with big clotheslines and is standing tall as we head to break.

Back from break in time to see Knox squash R-Truth and then run into Finlay’s boot. Finlay hits the ass drop on Knox and gets dropkicked by Ziggler, who gets spinkicked by Truth. Truth low-bridges Knox then hits a slingshot crossbody to the floor on Knox! Finlay with some Europeans on Ziggler followed by an inverted backbreaker for 2. Knox breaks the pin, Finlay gets him up for the Finlay Roll but Knox fights free and levels Finlay with a clothesline, then turns around into a crossbody by Truth! 1…2…Ziggler breaks it! He stomps away at Truth, then locks up Finlay and Truth for a double DDT! 2 count on Truth then one on Finlay before Knox steps on him. Ziggler and Knox trade shots, they collide head-to-head, Finlay and Truth look like they’re going to co-operate but Finlay uses the handshake to pull Truth into a Finlay Roll! Knox tries to break the pin but Finlay moves and Knox splashes Truth. Low dropkick to Knox gets 2 before Ziggler breaks it up. He beats down Finlay but his whip is reversed and Finlay gets a shoulder charge to the gut. Another Finlay Roll attempted but KNOX kicks Finlay’s head off. CORKSCREW ELBOW to Knox! 1…2…Ziggler again! Truth goes for the axe kick but Knox backdrops him over the top! SHILLELAGH SHOT to Knox! ZIGZAG TO FINLAY! 1…2…3!

Winner: Dolph Ziggler via pinfall (on Finlay, ZigZag)
Rating: *** That was really good, very quick and enjoyable, but a little too basic to get into the higher echelon of ratings. Nothing much wrong with it though.

Post match, Ziggler trash talks Rey until Finlay grabs him. Ziggler escapes but eats a La Silla off the announce table from Rey.

Earlier tonight, I ate a banana.

Maria and Melina are backstage chatting. Melina wants to know what Maria sees in Dolph. Apparently he’s totally different outside the ring. Melina’s happy for her. They hug and I wonder why that was on a wrestling show.

Chris Jericho vs. JTG

I take it back. Apart from the start of it, this theme sucks ass. Hopefully Jericho can continue his hot streak here, JTG is better than he’s had a chance to show before now.

Jericho grabs a headlock early. He takes down JTG with a shoulder and laughs. They run the ropes again and a big flying back elbow by JTG removes the smile from Jericho’s face. Rocker dropper by JTG gets 2. Jericho uses sneaky tactics to regain control and throws JTG at the feet of Show, who punts JTG a good 50 yards. Jericho takes JTG’s head to the announce table and rolls him back in the ring. Abdominal stretch applied, great psychology. JTG hip tosses to escape and goes for a splash…KNEES ONLY! 2 count for Jericho. Jericho chokes JTG on the middle rope and starts toying with him before another stiff kick to the ribs. Abdominal stretch again by Jericho, JTG is able to escape…flying clothesline! Another! He charges…into a knee! Jericho goes for the bulldog, JTG counters and pushes Jericho into the turnbuckles! Facebuster out of the corner by JTG gets 2. JTG hits the ropes again but eats a back elbow and Jericho has control again. Another whip, Jericho ducks his head and gets kicked…spinning lariat takedown! 1…2…2.844! JTG sets for a powerbomb maybe? Doesn’t matter, Jericho turns it into the Walls! JTG blocks the turn so Jericho catapults him…JTG lands on his feet on the second rope! Guillotine leg drop by JTG from the second rope! 1…2…2.871! CODEBREAKER out of nowhere, but JTG falls under the ropes! That should enable him to kick out. Jericho gets the pin but various parts of JTG are under the ropes. Jericho drags him to the middle of the ring, INSIDE CRADLE! 1…2…3!!!

Winner: JTG via pinfall (inside cradle)
Rating: ***¼ Good grief. Is there anyone Jericho cannot make look good? This is without a doubt the best I’ve seen out of JTG. The match had near finishes, elevated JTG as he got a ton of offence and resisted a lot of Jericho’s, but I for one was sure it was over off the Codebreaker. Tremendous stuff.

The Great Khali vs. Ricky Ortiz

Ranjin Singh is dancing. After a fashion, anyway. Ortiz has all the mannerisms and none of the talent of Grand Master Sexay. He’s also gonna die.

Ortiz takes it to Khali early with some shots, but runs right into the brain chop. One Punjabi Plunge later and Ortiz should book some tickets to Florida.

Winner: The Great Khali via pinfall (Punjabi Plunge)
You all know that was a dud right? Good.

KANE! His music hits and Khali is looking up the ramp, but Kane is behind him! He throws Khali out of the ring and now he has Singh all to himself. He stalks the poor guy for a while before throwing him into the crowd and stamping on him. Kane drags him up through the fans and to the back.

World Heavyweight Championship – CM Punk vs. Jeff Hardy (C)

First they introduce the enforcer…MATT HARDY! They wouldn’t do a title switch on free TV again would they? Matt needs to go to a different tanning salon, his face looks awful. The champ is out first and he does not look too chuffed by the choice of enforcer. C. Montgomery Punk doesn’t take his eyes off Jeff throughout the super special ring intros.

Here we go. They too go all around the ring in the lockup. And eventually break. Another lockup and Punk has control after a knee lift. He drops his head off a whip and Jeff kicks his face, then gets the inverted atomic and leg drop to the groin. A low dropkick gets 2. He tries a Twist of Fate but gets pushed off, so instead he just clotheslines Punk up and over, going over with him. Hardy tries something jumpy from the apron, but Punk yanks him off the apron and HARD to the floor. Commercial!

Back from break in time to see Punk get a 2 count. He gets 3 knee lifts to the gut of Hardy and then applies an abdominal stretch. Punk rolls back into a crucifix and gets 2, then whips Hardy hard to the corner for 2. JR mentions that Matt hasn’t shown any emotion yet. He’s probably afraid to crack his face. Punk tries another whip, Jeff avoids the impact and hits Whisper in the Wind! 1…2…no. They exchange punches and kicks until Jeff gets the mule kick, then the low dropkick in the corner for 2. Jeff goes up top but gets intercepted and Punk hammers him with a series of rights. Punk wants a superplex…hits it. Cover, 1…2…2.555. Punk stalks Hardy, hits a series of strikes and BACKFIST!!!! Go to Sleep is countered, Twist of Fate! NO! Countered to a rollup! 1…2…no! Punk falls outside off the kick out, slingshot crossbody by Jeff! He rolls Punk in then stops to ask Matt what he’s doing. Matt ignores him but here comes Punk! Jeff moves and Punk hits Matt with a baseball slide! Jeff throws him in, Twist of Fate! Jeff goes up top, SWANTKNEES!!!! Punk with the cover! 1…2…MATT PULLS THE REF OUT! He gets in Punk’s face about the kick, SCHOOLBOY BY JEFF! Matt makes the count: 1…2…3!

Winner: Jeff Hardy via pinfall (schoolboy)
Rating: **3/4 The weakest of their matches so far, but still good. Hard to believe that this match was one bang in the middle of the 5 in terms of quality, but on Raw would have been the best match of the night.

Matt Hardy just walks off calmly after making the count. Punk chases him unsuccessfully, so he goes back to the ring and decides to play a game of piñata with Jeff. He bounces Jeff’s head off the table a few times then hits a SICK chairshot. He wedges Jeff’s head in the chair and RAMS THE CHAIR INTO THE POST!!! Ouch. The medics come out, and Punk says “Make sure he’s OK! Fix him so I can break him again.” Now there’s a line. Teddy Long is out. He wants to know if Punk is proud. Punk IS proud, and wants a rematch. Long says if Jeff is able to defend by SummerSlam, he can have a rematch…a TLC rematch!

That’s our show ladies and gents. Lansdellicious – Out.