411’s WWE Smackdown Report: 12.02.05

Randy and Bob Orton head out to the ring as the show starts. Little Orton takes the microphone and cuts his standard promo. Undertaker won’t be there tonight. Nope. Orton says that he’s the only Phenom in the WWE now, and he deserves the World Heavyweight Title. Orton calls out Batista, demanding a match at Armageddon.

Tag Team Battle Royal: Mexicools versus London and Kendrick versus The Dicks versus Animal and Heidenreich versus Nunzio and Vito versus Scotty and Funaki

MNM come out to ringside, and Melina does her split on the announcers’ table. Everyone gangs up on the LOD to start, but Animal eliminates Nunzio (sending Vito on his way as well). Animal throws the Dicks and Brian Kendrick into the corner, then squashes them all. Heidenreich gets knocked to the apron, and Animal accidentally knocks him off. The lights go out, then go back on. It wasn’t planned, but all the wrestlers look around like The Undertaker is coming out. We then go to a commercial. Scotty’s been eliminated when we get back. Kendrick gets an armdrag on Super Crazy, then London springs him up in a dropkick on the Mexicools. Brian Kendrick almost eliminates James Dick. James Dick then shoves Paul London off the top to the outside. Mexicools get the rolling leg slam on a Dick. Crazy hits the standing moonsault. The Dicks get the double pancake slam on Crazy, then try to eliminate Psychosis. He lands on the apron and pulls both Dicks out (oh dear) with his legs.

Winners: The Mexicools
Match Time: 6:45 (including commercial)
Rating: **
Commentary: Pretty bad stuff. A big mess, with the Mexicools, London, and Kendrick providing the only good stuff.

Josh Mathews is backstage with JBL, who hypes his tag match with Rey against Show and Kane. He vows to defend his show. The Smackdown screen in the backstage area then starts bleeding.

Booker T heads out to do commentary for…

Chris Benoit versus William Regal

Fingers are locked to start, but Benoit breaks out and gets a top wristlock on the mat. Back up, then grapple and Benoit takes Regal down with a hammerlock. Lockup, and Benoit grabs the arm. Regal won’t budge, so Benoit goes for the leg, gets a dragon screw and tries for the Sharpshooter. Regal kicks Benoit off, then mounts him and hits some punches for two. Regal tries for a half nelson, but Benoit slides out of the ring and down to the floor. Regal follows and slams Benoit into the ropes, then restarts the count. Regal takes Benoit in, then drops a knee on his neck. Regal hits a shoulderbreaker as Michael Cole actually yells at Booker for his continued disrespect of Benoit. Regal applies a Mexican Surfboard, then grabs the head in a Dragon Sleeper. Benoit elbows out. Regal tosses him neck-first to the bottom rope, then goes out and slams Benoit’s head on the apron. Regal kicks Benoit’s head against the ringpost, then heads back in. Benoit gets up and chops Regal hard, then hits several more. Regal throws a knee, Benoit catches the leg and takes him down, Regal kicks Benoit off. Benoit goes for the arm, but Regal shoves him off and hits the running knee for two. Two more covers get two apiece. Regal goes for the butterfly suplex, but Benoit shoves him back to the corner and chops his face. Regal gets two Exploder Suplexes, then a running forearm for two. Three more covers each get two. Benoit gets the trapping headbutts, and both men are bleeding. He gets the Rolling Germans. Regal breaks the third, then goes behind. Benoit goes behind him and hits a Dragon Suplex, then locks on the Crossface for the win.

Winner: Chris Benoit
Match Time: 7:28
Rating: ***1/2
Commentary: Very good, tight, snug little match. Booker T was hilarious on commentary, as he was doing a very overexaggerated, annoying kind of play by play.

Benoit IMMEDIATELY attacks Booker after the match, throwing him to the floor and putting on the Crossface. Booker taps as Sharmell punches Benoit to no effect. Sharmell gets a chair, so Benoit stands up and scares her away. Incredible segment.

Backstage, the Ortons discuss business. As the leave, a clock on the wall is shown with its hands spinning around.

Randy Orton versus Matt Hardy

Lockup to start, and Orton gets a headlock. He takes Hardy down with a drop toe hold, but Hardy gets a hammerlock. Back up, Hardy grabs a headlock. Orton reverses to one of his own, then gets pushed off and comes back with a shoulder. Hardy gets a hiptoss, then two armdrags, the second into an armdrag. SHADES OF FUNAKI! Back up, Hardy gets a wristlock, which Orton breaks with an eye poke. Orton follows up with a dropkick for two, then a funny looking knee drop. Snapmare, chinlock by Orton. Hardy elbows out, but Orton pulls him down by his hair. Orton misses a kneedrop, but gets a back elbow for two. Back to the chinlock, which Tazz has the temerity to call a “rear naked choke.” Hardy gets up and elbows out, and punches are traded. Orton gets a European Uppercut, then clubs Hardy down. Hardy gets a running forearm, knocking Orton out of the ring. He follows with a plancha, then tosses Orton in. Cover gets two. Orton reverses a whip, Bob tries to trip Hardy. No dice, and Hardy gets the Side Effect for two. Hardy goes for the Twist of Fate, but Orton shoves him to the corner and whips him across the ring. Hardy boots the corner charge, then goes for a Moonsault. Orton moves and hits the RKO for the win.

Winner: Randy Orton
Match Time: 5:16
Rating: **3/4
Commentary: An okay match, but Orton’s offense was kinda goofy looking. Business as usual, I guess.

The lights go out, and Taker makes a speech. Ortons head up the ramp, but lightning strikes there. This is utterly ridiculous, with Orton just looking all over the place as Taker’s voice goes “I’M OVER HERE!” Orton goes out into the crowd, then heads to a side door. A light flashes on with a gong, revealing a casket, so he heads back to the ring. Taker says Orton’s destiny is right before his eyes. Orton runs out through the crowd again. Just remember: the way to settle this is beating the other guy in a wrestling match. Another flash, so Orton chicken shits back to the ring. Taker says Orton’s going with him… straight to hell! HELL IN THE CELL!

Backstage, Orton rants to Teddy Long. Long acts as if he has no say over the Hell in a Cell match. Okaaaaaaaaay.

Diva Search contestant Krystal is backstage with Simon Dean. He’s not afraid of The Boogeyman (whom he’s wrestling tonight). He shows off his Simon System, and says he has a brand new revolutionary item. He pulls the lid off a tray, and The Boogeyman’s head is on the table. There are worms there, and he eats some.

The Boogeyman versus Simon Dean

Simon Dean needs to be dragged to the ring by security. Boogeyman gets a smoky red entrance. And he’s announced as from “The Bottomless Pit.” Dean runs towards The Boogeyman, but hits the mat as he turns toward him. Simon throws some protein bars towards The Boogeyman, but it has little to no effect. Boogeyman procures a hanful of works, which he eats. He throws the leftovers at Dean, then grabs him around the throat. He lifts Dean up and slams him chest-first to the mat for the win.

Winner: The Boogeyman
Match Time: 1:48
Rating: Five Boogeyman heads out of Five
Commentary: IT’S A SHOOT, BROTHER! HE’S CRAZY!

Bobby Lashley versus Sylvan

We get a pre-match video package of Lashley which doesn’t include him getting eliminated first at Survivor Series. Revisionists. Sylvan cuts a promo about how the women came to see him. It’s like nobody’s even trying anymore. Lashley says the fans came to see “this:” him backdropping Sylvan. He slams Sylvan across the ring, and both men head outside. Lashley slams Sylvan’s shoulder into the post. Back in, Lashley gets a hanging vertical suplex, then tosses Sylvan to the corner. Lashley hits some shoulders, but Sylvan gets a knee up and hits a shitty Missile Dropkick for two. Sylvan gets multiple elbow drops, then a legdrop, then clubbing blows. Choke by Sylvan, then a running boot. Face scraping. Cat-fight offense. Sylvan boots Lashley down. Lashley grabs Sylvan’s foot, gets up, and clotheslines him. Suplex by Lashley, bodyslam, and a couple of corner smashes punctuated by a backdrop. Spinebuster by Lashley, and it’s Dominator time. The move hits for the win.

Winner: Bobby Lashley
Match Time: 4:17
Rating: **1/4
Commentary: Sylvan’s offense was boring, but Lashley’s stuff looked good, as usual.

The Big Show and Kane versus Rey Mysterio and JBL

JBL takes it to Kane to start, beating on him in the corner and hitting a knee strike. Kane blocks a turnbuckle smash and fights back against JBL. Whip, but JBL comes back with a big boot. JBL takes Kane back to the corner, but Kane reverses a whip. JBL goes for the Clothesline from Hell, but Kane slides out of the ring. JBL punches Show off the apron, and Rey gets a senton on Kane. JBL follows up with a punch off the apron onto Kane. Back in, Kane tags Big Show, and JBL fights both men. He takes Show down with a knee clip, and Rey runs in to get a legdrop. JBL gets a flying shoulder off the top for two. He goes for the Clothesline from Hell, but Show grabs his throat. JBL escapes, but Show clobbers him down, chops him in the corner, and tags Kane. Kane whips JBL to the corner and clotheslines him for two. JBL gets a running shoulder, and Rey gets a blind tag. Show pulls Rey down from the apron, and Kane gets a clothesline. JBL breaks the cover. The referee seems to have accidentally poked JBL in the eye. He heads back up the ramp, waving the match off as we go to commercial. Stupid. JBL is aching for a face turn, as I’m sure we all agree. Or most of us do, anyway. Kane is manhandling Mysterio as we return. He tags Big Show, who kicks Rey in the taped ribs. Show gets a rib-breaker, then stands on Rey. Show chops Rey in the corner, then tags Kane. Show holds Rey up and Kane kicks him in the ribs. Kane suplexes Rey onto the top rope, then hits a falling chop to his chest. Kane whips Mysterio to the corner and tags Big Show. Kane whips Shot to the corner, but Mysterio dodges. He sidesteps a Kane boots, causing Kane to crotch himself on the top rope. Punches on Show, bulldog on Kane. Rey dodges a legdrop, causing Show to land on Kane. Rey gets a springboard Senton on Show. Kane is in 619 position, and Rey knocks Show into the same. He hits both and springs off, but gets caught around the neck and takes the double chokeslam for the pin.

Winners: The Big Show and Kane
Match Time: 12:12 (including commercial)
Rating: **3/4
Commentary: Good comeback stuff from Mysterio, but I’m a little disappointed they didn’t keep inching JBL towards the face turn.

The heels set Rey up for a double chokeslam on a chair, but Batista runs out. He gets a spinebuster on Kane, then spears Show. Batista picks up the chair, then gives each man a shot, sending them out of the ring. Batista lifts up Rey and holds the chair high.

Not a bad show, though the first hour was definitely the better one.