411’s WWE Sunday Night Heat Report 08.01.04

I’m J.D. Dunn and I’m reporting for duty!

Obal is off this week. I normally do the vastly popular Enlightenment right here at 411.

Please do your patriotic duty and check out The Presidential Caption Thread. It’s all kinds of funny.

Before we begin, WHO WANTS A MOUSTACHE RIDE?!

In response to Will Cooling’s “Sexiest Wrestlers” list, Harvey Birdman and the boys at Los Attic have compiled a list of the Top Ten Cheesiest Moustaches in Wrestling. Ahem, from the home office in Butte, Montana…

#10 – Billy Gunn – Years before he was gay or obsessed with anuses, Billy…well, he looked like a gay guy obsessed with anuses. Think of the phallic implications of “Smoking Gunns” for a moment and shudder.

#9 – Harley Race – Just a bizarre connection of the Muttonchop Sideburn River veering off into the Upper Lip Mountains and settling down for a skeezy night in the Nosehair Pine Barrens. To paraphrase Dennis Miller: This man was so hairy he had to shave while he was shaving!

#8 – Tie – Jake Roberts/Rick Rude/Magnum T.A. – Let’s face it, this was all just one moustache passed along like some incredibly potent joint at a Loverboy concert. That one goes out to all the ladies.

#7 – Marc Mero/Johnny B. Badd – The moustache so pretty it should have been on a girl. I believe Sable got this moustache in the divorce.

#6 – Hulk Hogan – The New World Order of moustaches. Two tone facial hair is a tricky business, but he managed to pull it off.

#5 – Iron Sheik – We know that there were WMDs inside of this moustache at one point. We just don’t know where they went.

#4 – Scott Hall – Hmmm…it looks like a pornstache, but it smells less like Traci Lords’ snatch and more like a bottle of Captain Morgan.

#3 – Sergeant Slaughter – I hear Slaughter was a war hero, but he threw down his razor at the Veteran’s Memorial. Such a confusing time.

#2 – Ox Baker – “You are foolish to resist me, Mister Flash Gordon!”

#1 – Big Bully Busick – Lame gimmick, but you have to admire the dedication of looking like the heel from an old Bugs Bunny cartoon. Sad. Sad. Sad.

That’s all folks!

• Sunday Night Heat

We start with…a match!

Val Venis: Problem Solver, I have a problem. My career has been in a downward spiral since 1999. I think it’s the porno gimmick.

Tyson Tomko: Your problem is a perplexing one. Perhaps if I beat you into the ground, they will feel so sorry for you, you will get a new gimmick.

Val Venis: Gee, thanks, Problem Solver!

• Tyson Tomko (w/Trish Stratus) vs. Val Venis Val starts with a hammerlock. Tomko shows his incredible wrestling acumen by MAKING THE ROPES! Tomko uses the Iron Claw. Val fights back, but runs right into a drop toehold. Tomko’s back is like a placemat at Stuckey’s. Val hits a clothesline in the corner and a half-nelson slam. Blue Thunder Powerbomb! One, two, thr—NOOOO!! Val punches away at Tomko and goes up. Tomko tries to slam Val off and Val counters to a small package! Kick-ass spot! Val gets tied up in the ropes, though, enabling Trish to hit the Chick Kick. Tomko finishes with the…I don’t know Dick Kick or something. ѕ*

• Raw Diva Search – Anyone else love the fact that they’re using “Idiot Walk” as the official theme song of the Diva Search. It’s a bit on the nose, I think. The first elimination — NOT JULIA! Life isn’t fair. She was my favorite. Wait. Which one was Julia? Oh, one of the twins. Thank God we have a spare. Kamala gets involved.

• Rhyno & Tajiri vs. Rory & Robby Babaganoush. Seriously? The jobbers look like a lame Scottish version of the headbangers. “Oh, aye. You’re going to sell ma armbarrrrrrrr! Tajiri outwrestles Rory and tags to Rhyno. Rhyno seems to be heavily over. Rory kind of looks like Howard Finkel. Robby looks more like Michael Rapaport. Rhyno and Tajiri rip-off Kai-en-tai’s old chinlock/dropkick combo. Rory cheapshots Tajiri from behind and they hit a double Japanese armdrag. Nice. Tajiri comes back with the handspring elbow on Rory. Rhyno tags in and takes Robby apart. Rory breaks up a count and celebrates like it’s 1399. Rhyno and Tajiri do a spiffy combination of a Hot Shot and a kick. A Rhyno spear finishes Robby moments later. Jobberiffic. *ј

• Battle Royal Redux. We’re down to Orton and Jericho for a shot at Benoit at Summerslam. Jericho tries to put Orton out with a Fireman’s Carry. Jericho skins the cat twice to stave off elimination. Orton goes after him, but Jericho pulls him to the apron. They battle out there for a while until Jericho kicks Orton back into the ring. Orton hits the RKO and a kick to send Jericho to the floor. Orton vs. Benoit at Summerslam. [**ј]

• Robert Conway (w/Sylvain Grenier) vs. Rosey (w/Hurricane). Rosey’s no longer a Super Hero In Training. He is still SHIT, though. Conway tries a punch, but Rosey counters to a headbutt and then a diving headbutt. MOVESET~! Rosey backs Conway into a corner and hits a chop. WHOOO!! Rosey misses a charge and rams his shoulder into the ringpost. Grenier tries to interfere, but Hurricane chases him off. Ha ha! He runs cuz he’s French. Conway chokes Rosey out. Conway goes up and misses a crossbody (Rosey looked out of place on that one). Rosey finishes with a real crossbody (SPLAT!) moments later. Ѕ*

• The WWE visited the Democratic Convention. Ich bein ein Testicle! Keep Bill Clinton away from Stacy. Sadly, it all went awry when Foley stormed the podium and called Ric Flair an asshole.

• Raw Redux: Chris Benoit vs. Triple H (60 Minute Ironman Match). Benoit wins with a cradle. Triple H wins with a Pedigree. Triple H wins by countout. Triple H taps out. Evolution comes in. Ref gets bumped. Eugene interferes. Uh…something about a map. Nothing’s happening. It’s over. A lot of people look pissed. Benoit wins. Probably the worst Ironman match, but still pretty good. [****]

• THUNDERBIRDS ARE GO!
• Alien and Predator Go to White Castle!
• Did you kill the fuckin’ bird?

• Recap of “some woman” helping Victoria get a win.

• Molly Holly & Jazz vs. Victoria & Nidia. See, now if Victoria would just do her little dance, get on the mic and scream “YOU GOT SRRRVED!” at her opponent then it might get over. Molly is going with a Terry Gordy-ish wig this week. Nidia is skankriffic. It’s all good. Except Jazz. Jazz, you’re Bosley. Vicky takes on both women and tags to Nidia. Nidia and Victoria do that bodyscissor drop your opponent thing that Sable used to do. Jazz lowbridges the ropes, bringing Nidia to the floor. Nidia looks loopy. Molly hits the handspring elbow for two. Snap suplex by Molly gets two more. Jazz busts out her inverted bridging chinlock. Cool. Jazz hits a Michinoku Driver, but picks her up at two. Nidia makes her pay with a swinging neckbreaker. Victoria plays Robert Gibson, taking both heels out. Victoria is ready to finish Jazz with a moonsault, but Steven Richards comes out to distract her. Jazz hits a dropkick to finish Victoria off. Not bad, but what’s with that ending. DRAMA! *ѕ

• Final Thoughts: Bleh Heat with not much to recommend. Even per usual. They actually seem to be playing out some storylines, though, with Victoria and Steven. That’s a plus.

Hope you enjoyed my version of the Heat recap. Murray the Manipulator will likely be in next week with the lovable Alex Obal returning in two weeks.

J.D. Dunn