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April 19, 2010 | Posted by Rob McNew

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    -Live from the Izod Center in East Rutherford, NJ

    -Hosted by Michael Cole & Jerry “The King” Lawler

    -Triple H is out to open show, and Lillian Garcia is back for one night only as ring announcer. Likely replacing Justin Roberts who is stuck in Europe with the rest of the Raw crew. HHH tells the crowd not to suck up to him because they know he’s the only guy here. He makes the official announcement about the volcano keeping the Raw superstars stuck in Europe. HHH says in the WWE they’re used to giant gasic eruptions, but usually it’s the Big Show and it involves Mexican food. Trips says the entire Raw roster is stuck in Europe, and he says he knows that we’re thinking “oh great now HHH has to wrestle a 2 hour iron man match with Frank the audio guy.” He says but that’s not how its going to work, because even though he wasn’t on tour the WWE brass is working feverishly to make sure they have a show of the highest standards. He says not only is he here tonight, but he’ll be in Baltimore for the street fight with Sheamus. He says if that pasty faced tea bag ever makes it back he’s going to beat him either color than white. He says Sheamus tried to make a statement beating up Kofi Kingston, but he’s in for a rude awaking Sunday. CM Punk and The Straight Edge Society interrupts the promo, and says that fortunately for Raw the Smackdown crew had the intestinal fortitude to make it through the ash and make it back to friendly shores. Unfortunately for himself though he happens to be in New Jersey. Punk says he’s got two words for the crowd and that’s “Jersey Sucks.” Punk says he’s here to let us know that this time next week he might not be part of the Smackdown crew. He says if he’s going to be a part of Raw after the draft he wants everyone to know he’s bringing the entire SES with him. HHH mocks that saying “by the entire society, you mean both of them?” HHH wants to know why they had to shave their heads and Punk didn’t, but Punk quips that he didn’t have to shave his head for the same reason HBK was bald and HHH didn’t have to shave his. Punk gives the serious answer that no foreign chemicals have ever touched his hair making it pure, but HHH wants to know if by foreign chemicals he means shampoo and soap. HHH says it doesn’t really matter because next week he has a hair match with Mysterio, and by the time he gets to Raw he won’t only be the President of the Hair Club but also a client. Punk says HHH is just as naïve as all of the people, and when he crushes Rey’s spirit all of the people will know that Straight Edge is the most powerful force on the planet. He says Rey will fall in line, and when Rey falls in line the crowd will as well. Punk says HHH could learn a thing or two about straight edge, and says he could influence a lot of people including his own. HHH says he makes a good point, but he believes in freedom and in the USA we’re free to do what we want. He says all the fans made a choice to come to Monday Night Raw, the chose to be part of WWE Universe, and chose to be here to go absolutely crazy. HHH goes outside, and finds a fan and says if this guy wants to go to the concession stand and drink as much beer as possible he can. Provided he has a ride home. He finds two older guys in the crowd, and says if they want to get in car and go to another celebrate where they can celebrate their union they can do it. HHH goes to Lillian and says if she wants to come back for one night only to horse around she can do it. HHH says that’s the beauty of a free country. People can do what they choose, and that includes HHH. HHH says if that includes going in front of the bald wonder twins while he beats up Punk he’s going to do it. Punk says he doesn’t even want to be here right now, but while Raw is stuck in Europe he’s stuck in Jersey. Punk says he honestly thought HHH would see the light, and try to be a part of something big. He honestly thought HHH would shave his head and join SES, but apparently there’s a miscommunication. Punk says he’s not asking HHH, but he’s telling him. Gallows grabs HHH, and despite a short lived comeback they commence beating him down. Gallows grabs a chair and they put a prone HHH in it while Serena grabs a pair of clippers. They set up HHH, but Rey is down to make the save. HHH and Rey fight off Gallows and Serena leaving them with only Punk. Rey gets a hold of the clippers, and HHH puts him down with a right hand. Mysterio gets a hunk of hair, but a distraction from Gallows allows Punk to escape further follicle harm.

    Drew McIntrye vs. Matt Hardy
    Hardy attacks early with a series of right hands in the corner, but McIntyre fights back with a boot. Hardy is back with a swinging neckbreaker, and a clothesline sends Drew to the floor. Hardy dives off the apron with a double axehandle, but McIntyre fights back with a double kick sending Matt crashing into the ringsteps. Back inside with Drew in control as he buries a pair of clotheslines in the corner. Hardy comes back with a side effect for two, and comes back with a neckbreaker for another two. McIntyre comes back to go for the future shock, but Hardy counters with a backdrop. The two men collide the corner with McIntyre crashing to the mat, and Hardy slumping in the corner. Matt goes to the second rope, but Drew trips him off the ropes and that gets the abrupt pin at 3:02? Wow, what an out of nowhere finish. I usually fast forward with Drew’s matches when I watch Smackdown on DVR. This match was nothing to change my mind.
    Winner: Drew McIntyre (Pinfall-Second Rope Trip ½*)

    -John Cena joins us via satellite to let us know that the Raw superstars are safe, and very apologetic that they can’t join us tonight. Cena says his preparation for Extreme Rules is going just fine, and if he has to he’ll swim to Baltimore for Last Man Standing. He says at the end of the night when the referee is done counting to ten he will still be champ. -Vladimar Kozlov is in the ring for a promo, and he says he has been treated [inaubidle]. He orders King to read his statement. Lawler gets in the ring and says “I Vladimir Kozlov am protesting the unfair treatment he has received by the guest hosts. I am an elite athlete who demands elite competition. I don’t expect any of you to understand. You are all spoiled, ignorant, Americans. You are physically inferior therefore you are weak. Worst of all you are from a state devoid of class or integrity. The single most depressing place on Earth. New Jersey. I cannot wait for my fellow Russian to buy your pathetic NBA franchise the Nets and move it out of this state forever.” Kozlov takes the mic back and demands his proper competition, but he is interrupted by MacGruber. They come out in Character as Macgruber and Vickie St. Elmo with MacGruber carrying an American Flag. MacGruber says Kozlov likes to read things, but he’ll show how its done. Vickie reads a statement about America being the undisputed Superpower, and in honor he has a superpower main event tonight. Punk, Jericho, & Gallows vs. HHH, Mysterio, and Edge. MacGruber then asks Kozlov who he thinks he is, and says no one rips on the state of New Jersey. MacGruber says some of the greatest Americans of all time are from New Jersey. Like Bon Jovi, Paul Blart Mall Cop, Snooky & The Situation. He says Kozlov isn’t treated fairly for whatever is Russian for giant pile of suck. Kozlov says if he insults him again he will end him. MacGruber says he wont say another bad thing about him, but he will about his mother. He says based on how Vlad turned out the most dark disgusting place in New Jersey is Vlad’s mom’s uterus. Kozlov wants to destroy MacGruber tonight, but instead he books him against R-Truth. MacGruber then says he filled the arena with explosives, and as Truth does his whole speil the then explodes leaving only his boots on the stage. The crowd really starts to turn on this, and rightfully so as MacGruber begs off from Kozlov. Vlad says he will destroy him later tonight. I cannot think of a single redeeming quality of this segment.

    -MacGruber tries to sneak out of the building when he is joined by HHH. Trips points out that he wet his pants, but MacGruber says its just water. HHH says it smells like something else, and MacGruber admits it but says it’s not his pants. MacGruber says he had a friend who was nervous about getting into tights so he peed his pants, and then he offered to wear them why they dried. Kane joins us, and MacGruber says that’s his friend. HHH explains the story to Kane, and MacGruber runs off. Both guys catch another whiff, and HHH says that’s probably not all he did in those pants. This is not funny. At all.

    -Orton joins us via satellite, and says wherever he ends up is where the World Heavyweight Championship will be.

    -World Heavyweight Champion Jack Swagger joins us for a few words. He tells Orton that talk is cheap from 3000 miles away, and if he was here he’d show him exactly why he’s the World Heavyweight Champion. Since he’s not here how can he prove to Orton what he’s going to do to him at Extreme Rules. He requests a ref, and issues an Open Challenge. He says every time someone does this a monster comes out and destroys them, but that’s because those guys aren’t him. No one has his credentials, and no one is the World Champion. He calls out anyone in the locker room to come out now. No one comes out, and Swagger says that’s what he thought and begins to leave when he is interrupted by…UNDERTAKER’S DONG!

    Jack Swagger vs. The Undertaker
    Swagger grabs a side headlock off the lockup, and hits the ropes delivering a shoulderblock. Taker comes back with a headlock and shoulderblock of his own for good measure before grabbing an armwringer. Taker hits a short clothesline, and drops a leg across the shoulder for two. Taker holds onto the wristlock, and goes to the top rope for old school. Swagger fights back with a trio of kicks, but Taker fights right back with a back handed punch. Swagger comes back with a powerslam, and a series of stomps sending Taker rolling to the floor. Swagger goes outside after him but runs into a right hand which is followed by Taker sending him face first into the ringsteps. Swagger comes back to whip Taker’s bad knees into the steps, and rolls Taker back inside. Swagger drops a pair of elbows on a knee across the upper arm of Taker, and then drives him into the corner. Taker suckers Swagger towards the ropes where he is able to pull him back to the floor, and again Taker goes out after him. He sets up Swagger across the ring apron where Taker connects with a legdrop across the throat. Taker hits a snap suplex back inside for two, and grabs a rear chinlock. Taker switches to a front facelock, and that sends us to the commercial break. We return with Swagger now in control locking in a spinning toehold on the Deadman. Taker kicks him off, but Swagger is right back on offense to drop an elbow across the knee of the Taker, and hold onto the injured leg in a bar. Swagger continues to drop elbows on the knee, but Taker is able to kick him off sending him to the floor. Swagger grabs the legs of Taker from the floor and wraps the knee around the ringpost before heading back for a two count. Taker is able to kick free of another leg submission by Swagger which leads to them trading right hands in the middle of the ring. Swagger goes back to the injured knee of Taker, but hits the ropes and telegraphs a move allowing Taker to hit a DDT for two. Taker hits snake eyes, and follows up with a big boot and legdrop for a two count. Taker goes for a chokeslam, but Swagger elbows free before eating a right hand. Swagger floats over a clothesline attempt from Taker to deliver a DDT of his own for a two count. Swagger sets up Taker for a Vader Bomb, but Taker catches him and hits a chokeslam. Taker calls for the tombstone which connects for the win at 15:48. Way to keep your champ strong guys. Really good match, but a classic example of the wrong guy winning.
    Winner: The Undertaker (Pinfall-Tombstone ***1/2)

    -Jericho stops to talk to the Straight Edge Society, as Punk has his hair hilariously wrapped in a towel. Jericho tells them stay in line, and follow him and they’ll win the match. Jericho runs into MacGruber who he says is the best thing in the movie. Jericho says he can stop with the shameless pandering about his star making performances. Jericho even says he’s hearing about early Oscar nominations. MacGruber asks for advice for his match with Kozlov, and Jericho tells him to offer a handshake. MacGruber doesn’t think that will work, but Jericho says it will throw him off his hand and let him take advantage.

    Vladimir Kozlov vs. MacGruber (w. Vicki St. Elmo)
    MacGruber walks to the ring looking absolutely petrified, and Kozlov stares him down before the match. MacGruber offers a handshake, but Kozlov stares at him in anger. MacGruber then smacks him which only serves to anger the Russian. Kozlov hits a pair of headbutts, and picks him up for the Iron Curtain. Ryan Phillipe interrupts to say he just got off the phone with WWE offices and this is now a handicap match. He introduces MacGruber’s new tag team partner “Khaluber.” Enter The Great Khali in MacGruber garb, and we have a new match.

    2 on 1 Handicap Match: Vladimir Kozlov vs. MacGruber & Khaluber
    Khali destroys Kozlov in the corner with a back elbow, and an open handed chop to the chest. Khali tries to choke Kozlov, but gets caught with a series of headbutts. Kozlov hits the ropes but runs into a brain chop sending him bailing to the floor. Khali comes out after him and chases Kozlov up the ramp. The ref counts them both out and awards the match to MacGruber and Khaluber by count out at 1:26. MacGruber says it doesn’t matter if you’re from New Jersey, Russia, or even India. America is the best country in the world. He says we have the best food, sports, and movies including Shrek IV…err…MacGruber. Words can’t describe the stupidity I’ve witnessed with this guy tonight. I now have no interest whatsoever in seeing this movie.
    Winner: MacGruber & Khaluber (Count Out -****)

    -A recap of the events that have lead to the Cena/Batista rematch at Extreme Rules which is followed by a run down of the card.

    -Triple H is interrupted by Sheamus during his entrance who is on the titan tron. Sheamus says he’s not going to tell HHH how lucky he is to be 3000 miles away, but rather he’s going to show him. Sheamus then beats up a stage hand. Ok then.

    Six Man Tag Team Match: Triple H, Edge, & Rey Mysterio vs. CM Punk, Luke Gallows, & Chris Jericho (w. Serena)
    Five former World Champions, and the Artist Formely Known as Festus. One of these is not like the others. Jericho and Mysterio start things out, and Mysterio goes for a 619 after a hurracanara right out of the shoot. Jericho bails to the floor, and Punk goes after Mysterio only to get sent to the floor himself. That is followed up by Edge whipping Mysterio into HHH who backdrops him over the top on top of the heels sending us to commercial. We return from break with the heels now in control as Mysterio is locked in a chinlock at the hands of Punk. Punk drops Rey across the top turnbuckle, and tags in Gallows who puts the boots to Rey. Gallows hits a trio of elbow drops for two, and delivers an upper cut to Rey. Jericho tags in and continues the assault hitting Rey with a back suplex. Rey comes back with a few kicks, but his attempt to tag out is stopped by Jericho who slingshots him into top turnbuckle. Jericho delivers a straight right hand, but Mysterio comes back with a springboard moonsault to put both men down. Edge makes the hot tag as Gallows tags in, and Edge hits a big boot and shoulderblock. Edge knocks Punk to the floor and sets up for the spear, but as the referee gets a distraction from Serena Jericho is able to trip up Edge. HHH chases him off but the damage is done and Edge suffers an injured ankle. Back inside Punk is the legal man now and he goes right to work on the injury with a stomp before tagging in Jericho. Jericho chokes out Edge on the second rope, and Gallows is able to sneak in a cheap shot from the apron. Punk tags in and locks in a form of an ankle lock before being kicked off by Edge. Gallows tags in and continues to work on the ankle, but Edge fights back with a boot and a clothesline off the second rope. Edge is able to make the tag to HHH as Punk tags in as well. HHH sends Punk to the ropes and hits a high knee which he follows up with a facebuster. HHH connects with a clothesline for two, and whips Punk to the buckle. HHH’s charge meets the boots of Punk, but he comes right back with a spinebuster. HHH sets up for the pedigree but that is stopped by Gallows. Everyone comes in and gets sent out before Edge sets up a 619 for Mysterio to deliver to Punk. The 619 sends Punk to a waiting HHH who connects with the pedigree to finish at 11:06. Decent enough main event which served the purpose of sending a crowd angry with not seeing most of who was advertised home happy.
    Winners: Triple H, Edge, & Rey Mysterio (HHH pins Punk-Pedigree ***)

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    Rob McNew