Cross The Line – TNA Impact 09.04.08 Analysis

Howdy folks. I am still undecided whether or not I will be derivative and include comments in my column, but I did wish to address two criticisms from last week.

The first pertained to the length of the column. It fluctuates. This week’s is two pages shorter than last weeks, which was only 1 page longer than at least two of the Impact Craters I reread recently. The last thing I want is to make it a chore to endure something I write. That leads to my second critique.

It should be no secret that I do this because I love wrestling and love the attention writing about it attracts. Therefore, I welcome your comments on what you feel detracts from recap. So when someone accuses me of writing poorly, I am only offended if that person does not offer why he feels that way. Well, that’s enough crying for one week. Time for Impact.

TIME FOR IMPACT

A recap of Sting’s promo intercept with scenes of AJ fighting Angle and Sting humbling AJ with the Scorpion Death Drop welcomes us to this week’s Impact.

Don and Mike inform us that we can look forward to Sting addressing the fan as well as seeing the knockouts in action. Abyss issues an open challenge, and AJ vs. Christian round out the top of the show announcements.

Let us begin the show proper with Kurt Angle ascending from the dark under belly of the Impact Zone. He is in full “this is how a champion dresses” mode. Booker is out next and looking quite dapper as well. Sharmell is looking as lovely as always. We are then treated to footage of Rhino falling to the regal might of the Royal Axe Kick.

I swear, I wrote that sentence about the way Kurt is dressed prior to his opening lines of his promo. Angle posits that Samoa Joe is a disgrace and Booker agrees. Samoa Joseph sounds like a guy that works in a mail room. Booker T describes Angle and himself as two champions who happen to be distinguished gentlemen. The world title will be decided between these two champions, these two gentlemen. So, is this an elimination bout? Angle resorts to more threats of sodomy to the spectre of Jarrett with the guitar. Christian is out to set the record straight. WIth all due respect to AJ Styles, he will be the one to advance to No Surrender in his backyard. Christian always was my second favorite Canadian Chris. I guess he’s first now. Christian’s bold proclamation of becoming a three time champ provokes Booker to embrace his linguistic mastery of ebonics. He suggests that Christian should be rolling with the veterans like Kurt and himself because the young guys are not showing respect. Christian goes old school with a Whoopie Goldberg insult. Angle gives Christian the age old choices of doing things the easy way or the hard way. Christian wants to know what the hard way is and Angle takes off the jacket. They brawl briefly on the ramp and Christian attacks Booker next. He holds htem botth off for a moment, but they gain the advantage until AJ saves Christian. Angle wants to ensure neither Christian nor AJ make it to the match, but Cornette is out to lay down the law. If either Booker or Angle interfered they both lose their spots in the match. Hit AJ’s music and lets’ get a brief stare down and respectful handshake between Christian and AJ.

To the back with JB and Joe. JB needs to know if the Nash/Joe union has dissolved. Joe remarks that Nash put his hands on him and therefore Joe will return the favor. As matters pertain to Sting, the veteran needs to earn Joe’s respect. Joe reminds Sting that people buy tickets to see Sting wrestle, not preach.

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And we’re back with Rough Cuts This week we get input from faculty members Furman University where Creed recently obtained degrees in both psychology and philosophy. Creed wants to know everything about the wrestling business right down to how the shows are catered. I personally love that dedication. The quality of the Rough Cut segments remain fairly high.

To the back with Lauren and Shiek Abdul Bashir, who disrespects Apple Pie and Baseball by speaking in a tongue other than Englsih. A whole lot of generic whining leads to him referencing 9/11 and how he as an Arab-American lost many of his freedoms because of xenophobic Americans.

Opening Contest: Standard Single’s Bout “Middle Eastern Nightmare” Abdul Bashir vs. Consequences Creed Diametrically opposed. Tenay wins the soon to be coveted “Favorite word I’ve heard in wrestling this week” award. By the way, we are twenty-five minutes into the show before we get our first lock up. Creed works some the basic holds until Bashir knocks him off of the ropes. Bashir punches away in the corner while Don comments on how much bitching and moaning Bashir did to get this match. They exchange sleeper holds while Mike and Don pimp the new game; in particular the secret character. On cue,whoissuicide.com flashes briefly during this match. After a collision momenarily drops both me, Creed seizes the advantage by employing both his dancing jab combo and rolling thunder clothesline. He misses a corner splash however and Bashir rolls him up, making certain to use the ropes to gain the three count. Creed however protests the call and the match is restarted. Bashir gets a few punches but falls victim to Creed’s roll up.

Winner and Number 1 Contender to the X-Divsion Championship: Consequences Creed It disheartens me when number one contender matches seem rushed as this one did. Again, Bashir is wrestling like he’s still a WWE cruiser and Creed still needs to vary his offense beyond his jabs and rolling thunder clothesline

Post match antics involve Bashir instigating a fight with the ref. Bashir does his best Santino expression and gets his ass handed to him. This is very counter productive. You build the guy up with video packages and promos and until now, he was the posed to be the only other legit heel in the X-Division. Why is he getting beat up by the ref?

To the back with JB and Kevin. Kevin seems contrite about the situation with Joe. Kevin thinks Sting is making sense and Joe should listen to him.

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And We’re Back with Lauren and Beer Money who celebrate the fact they are officially part of the game. Roode explains that the more money the video game makes, the more they make. Curry and the gang or out and Super Eric swears that he and his brethen will do all they can to get Beer Money booted from the game because of their negative influence on kids. “Screw the kids, freak,” is Roode’s response and that just does not sound right. Apparantly, Curry is very rich in Japan and drinks plenty of saki. Storm calls him Satchi Satchi boy and suggest he go back to making cheap movies. Sharkboy makes what sounds like a Brokeback Mountain joke because those are ever so clever. They fight because it is the duty of the Prince Justice Brotherhood to get their asses kicked in every backstage segment.

Still to come we have Raisha Saed in action, AJ vs. Christian, and a special announcement from the beautiful people.

We get a creepy video of Abyss with requisite reminders of the copious amounts of blood he has spilled during his tenure with TNA to promote his first match in six months. Abyss fights for the people now; a self appointed protector some might say. I say, bring on the Black Hole Slams.

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And we’re back with the ongoing saga of Lauren vs. the Beautiful People and Cute Kip. Velvet announces that Angelina and Taylor shall engage in a Beauty Pagent complete with talent, evening gown, and swim suit competition. Interestingly enough, they follow this up with a knockout promo that proudly announces how these ladies aren’t divas. Irony? Perhaps.

Match 2: Standard Tag Match Beer Money(w/ the “Pride of Tennessee”Jackie Moore) vs. Sharky Boy and Super Eric
Apparantly this was supposed to be Curry Man and Super Eric, but Curry’s in the back being seduced by Christy. Finally, he’s going to get that Action, Action he craves. Sharky starts things off with a Lou Thez press and piston like right hands. Storm takes over with a nice neck breaker variant. Roode takes over, but Sharky stuns him with the one legged code breaker. While the ref is distracted, Sharky is hit with a tandem suplex. Beer. Money! Taunt. A quick cut to the back reveal the predictable Rock and Rave cock block and ensuing beat down. Storm crotches himself and Sharky tags in Super Eric who goes to town briefly until the ref escrots him back out because refs never, ever trust the validity of a baby face’s claim that he is the legal man. Undaunted, Sharky goes for the Chummer, but gets tossed into a Last call, which staggers him into the Pay Off and that’s our match.

Winners: Beer Money Not much of match, but it did it’s job of putting over the champs.

LAX music hits and Beer Money bail. Homicide returns flossing an eyepatch and I’m having flashbacks of Braden Walker. Or Snake Pligsten, I get confused. Homicide tosses them back into the ring where Hernandez abuses them for a bit. Homicide punctuates the segment by hitting Roode with a Gringo Cutter

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And we’re back That was the quickest return from a break I can recall. Abyss is out to avenge the wrongs wrought by his past, I think.

Match 3: Hardcore Match Abyss vs. Johnny Devine

Brother Ray appoints Devine as their surrogate and Devine hits Abyss with a cookie sheet to no avail. Abyss is distracted and Devine hits him with a trash can. Team 3D distracts Abyss again, which leads to a chair shot that momentarily wobbles the monster. Unfortunately for Devine, like any good man worth his salt, Abyss punches the chair back into his face and choke slams him straight to hell minus the visual interpretation of actual flames and what not. Abyss has the chair and if you’re like me, a plethora of questions arise. Will he use the chair? How would Karen Angle react? Will he succumb to the demons of his torture psyche? Will he, well never mind, he hesitated and got uppercut in the testicles. Fortunately, he made friends with Matt Morgan who clears the ring in a much more effective manner than any number of squashes. So does that mean we get a no contest in a hardcore match? Yeah, let’s not waste brain cells contemplating who thought that was a good idea.

To the back and Lauren follows ODB into the bathroom where she stinks up the bathroom with a literal representation of what she thinks of Kong and Raisha. Like a good wrestler, she lives the gimmick and doesn’t wash her hand. That is pretty dirty.

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And we’re back with footage from Earlier Today. Lauren attempts to talk to Sting. Sting blows her off and I’m left pondering the point of them showing us this. It was taped earlier today, someone should have seen it and thought “nah, that’s pretty pointless.”

Match 4: Standard Single’s Match Raisha Saed vs. ODB

ODB pulls Saed to the outside and whips her into the security rail. Saed reciprocates that action then puts the boots to her. ODB struggles on the arpon and Saed sends her flying back to the outside with a drop kick. ODB crawls back inside the ring and Saed hits her with a few cross face blows. ODB tries to fight back, but Saed puts her back down and puts the boots to her again. Saed with a scoop and a slam. Very slow ascent for the climb and Saed predictably misses the moonsault. OBD pats her boobs to reinvigorate her fortitude and gives Saed a fall away slam. ODB then takes a swig from the flask and finishes Saed with the Shades of British Bulldog.

Winner: ODB Basically a squash, but at least they put in some work. Not a bad match, just ODB basically only used two moves to win this match and that never sits well with me with non-underdog faces.

ODB tries to unmask Saed and this reminds me of why I disliked seventy percent of rudos in CMLL beccause half their offense involved trying to remove the technico’s mask. ODB is still trying to unmask her and they brawl all the way to the back. ODB returns and like an idiot Don suggest that she’s holding her back in pain moments before she reveals that she has unmasked Saed. Kong makes an appearance and beats ODB like the dirty bitch she professes to be.

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And we’re back just in time to see ODB destroyed with an Implant Buster. Roxxi is out and Kong does not back down. Shades of ECW with the dueling chairs. Roxxi disarms Kong, but Saed blindsides Roxxi and Kong kills her dead with an Awesome Bomb on the chair.

Video package Kurt reminds us that he is the absolute best at what he does. He has had twenty broken bones, two neck injuries, and nine concussions. Kurt wants you to Cross the Line. Who are you to deny his request?

To the back and Lauren is with the Beautiful People and Cute Kip. Go Beauty! Abrupt commerical break. Okay…

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And we’re back with a brief history of Christian and AJ’s affiliation, fall out, and road to respecting one another again.

To the back with JB and AJ. AJ said he got dropped on his head for doing what Sting told him to do. AJ helped get them on Spike TV. Sting jumped on the bandwagon, just like Booker and Angle. Sting should call AJ’s wife and thank her for supporting AJ so that he could build this company. While AJ is traveling the roads earning his paychecks while Sting is sitting at home merely collecting his. Decent promo from Styles. Louder doesn’t necessarily convey intensity. I want to have confidence in this New New Blood angle, but AJ and Joe are coming off as heels. Sting is going to have to rape a fetus and piss on a boot legged copy of the Dark Knight to get heel heat from the Impact Zone and even then you I guarantee there would be a smattering of applause regardless.

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Featured Contest“The Instant Classic” Christian Cage vs. “The Phenomenal” AJ Styles

Christian makes the international mannerism for “I want the belt” They lock up and exchange waist locks. Christian takes him down, but they’re quickly back to their feet then exchange shoulder tackles. A Rapid exchange of pin fall attempts follow. The crowd is decidely pro-AJ. Christian throws the first blows with a boot to the gut and a chop. He then ducks an Asai DDT attempt and holds the ropes to slow the momentum of a what would have been a Phenomenal Drop Kick. AJ fakes a dive and tries a spring board back into the ring, but Christian sends him to the floor. Christian misses a Sling Shot Crossbody to the outside and AJ follows up with a head scissors from the apron.

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Match Continued After a couple of failed pin falls, Christian resorts to just kicking the bejesus out of AJ. They exchange chops and AJ goes for the Asai DDT. Cage blocks it by dropping to one knee and punching free, but AJ goes to the well once more and the third time is the charm. They slug it out and this time, the Phenomenal Drop Kick connects. Christian avoids a jumping forearm and drops AJ with a clothesline. Unfortunately he comes up dry on a Frog Splash attempt. Styles Clash is countered. Unprettier countered and AJ drops him with a Pele. Cage fights back with a corkscrew elbow from the secon rope. He goes back up top and AJ attempts a superplex. Christian pushes AJ off and immediately hits the Frog Splash. That was very nicely done. Christian goes up top again and but this time AJ back drops him using only his neck. AJ misses the the Spiral Tap. Another Unprettier is blocked and AJ shoves Christian into the ref. Kurt Angle doppleganger Frank Trigg kills AJ with a kendo stick strike and AJ stumbles right into the Unprettier.

Winner and final entrant in the Four Ways To Glory Match: Christian Cage Well what we got was pretty good. I just feel a little cheated that they laid the foundation for a longer match with all the opening grappling and felt the match could have used a few more minutes to capitalize on that. The less optimistic part of me saw Christian’s win coming a mile away because I wanted to see Joe and AJ in the ring at the same time and you know what happens when you want something too much.

Jeff Jarret Video They are milking that Hogan footage for all its worth. Jarrett makes me teary eyed again discussing the passing of his wife. We then get “Mystery of the Guitar” theater and Planet Jarrett music to end the clip.

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And we’re back with the “Summer of Sting’ video package updated with last week’s promo.

Main Event Promo!

Sting addresses the crowd’s reaction to his tirade last week. He thanks the fans for being fans and kisses up a bit. He then brings up that fans have the right to be part of the show, but not THE show. Joe power walks to ring side flanked by security. Sting gives Joe a chance to whack him with the bat, but Joe informs Sting that much like his respect, he doesn’t need the bat. Kevin Nash distracts Joe and Sting drops Joe with the Scorpion Death Drop. I find it amusing that a full five seconds passes before Don and Mike address Jarrett’s music. Sting forces the production crew to cut the music and announces that he would like to sit down and discuss things with Jarrett next week.

As a whole, the show was a bit disappointing. With the exception of AJ/Christian, the matches seemed short and just there. The Abyss match is most likely setting up a feud with Team 3D. The opening promo went on a bit long, but served it’s purpose unlike most of the other non-wrestling segments that seemed pointless. As much as I love the Beautiful People, two of their segments served no purpose other than to get Cute Kip more screen time I suppose. Thus continues a string of mediocre shows. Don remains, one step away from Crossing the Line. I hope they get it together with the Bound For Glory only a month away. That does it this week. Remember friends, if Kurt Angle says to do it, you damn well better Cross The Line