Dark Pegasus Video Review: Beach Blast ’93

Beach Blast ’93 by J.D. Dunn Twitter.com/jddunn411 Facebook.com/jddunn411 July 18, 1993 Live from Biloxi, Miss. Your hosts are Tony Schiavone and Jesse Ventura. Opening Match: Johnny B. Badd vs. Maxx Payne. Johnny looks like gay Juventud tonight – is that redundant? Payne blasted Badd in the face with his own “Badd blaster,” thus ruining his pretty face and forcing him to wear a pink mask. Well, okay, he didn’t force him to. That was all that was available at the S&M shop. For whatever reason, they thought Payne would draw more money as a moody guitar player instead of a psycho guitar player a la the killer in Slumber Party Massacre II. Anyway, Payne is working exceptionally loose, with some of his shots missing clearly. He takes the worst looking missed headbutt to the post in history. Back in, Badd finishes with a flying crossbody at 4:51. Yes, he got revenge for disfigurement on what amounts to a fluke pin. As bad as it sounds. 1/2* NWA/WCW Tag Team Titles: The Hollywood Blondes vs. Arn Anderson & Paul Roma. Ah yes. This match. You’ve probably heard of “the Orlando tapings,” in which WCW decided to save money by taping months worth of TV shows in one long session, so you had Anderson and Roma walking around the TV tapings with the belts before they even won them. How did Arn never turn to Roma and say, “What are you shitting me?” The Blondes pick out a Horsemen fan and taunt him just to be dicks. They are the template for teams like Edge & Christian and Miz & Morrison. Even the Motor City Machine Guns. Roma plays face-in-peril for a while, and then Arn comes in for part II for what seems like an eternity. Arn blocks an Austin suplex and suplexes him over the top to the floor, prompting Jesse to point out (rightly) how stupid and arbitrary the over-the-top DQ rule is. Arn gets the hot tag to Roma but sticks around to spinebuster Austin. Roma gets two and O’Connor Rolls Austin. The ref is busy putting Arn out, though, so Pillman clotheslines Roma over. The Blondes pick up the surprising win at 26:15, thus swerving everyone who assumed the title switch would happen here. Arn and Roma would go on to win the titles at the Clash of the Champions… from Austin and Steven Regal. But that’s a story for another day. This was good tag team formula, which all four guys can probably do in their sleep. *** Missy Hyatt says something whorish in regards to the next two guys going thirty minutes and flusters co-host Eric Bischoff. I’d be more flustered if she *didn’t* say something whorish. Vacant U.S. Title, Iron Man Match: Dustin Rhodes vs. Rick Rude. First Fall: Man, Rude just lost all of his heat after the injury. As a result, he gets extra mean during his intro. This is like the anti-Rude/Steamboat. They threaten to make things intense by getting all up in each other’s grills, but then we HIT THE RESTHOLDS! Rude escapes from the kneebar of eternal damnation and hits the Rude Awakening at 13:18. Rude leads 1-0. Second Fall: Rude goes fruitlessly after a few more attempts. The spiffy “Beach Blast Scoreboard” shows us that it is, in fact, 1-0. Thanks guys. Almost lost count there for a second. Rude blocks a corner charge, but Dustin counters his Tombstone to his own. ONE, TWO, THR-NO! Dustin misses a charge and throws himself over the rope. Back in, and we HIT THE CHINLOCK! At least it makes sense here because Rude is trying to kill the clock. Dustin gets out of that, but things pick up with A SLEEPER! Dustin fires back, but Rude goes to the eyes. Tony finally tells Jesse to shut up as Jesse explains the concept of the “farmer hanky.” Dustin makes Rude pay for the snot shower with the bulldog at 26:59. Tied 1-1. Third Fall: Dustin goes hard after pins with a piledriver and a bunch of clotheslines. He puts Rude in a sleeper, which would be a smart move if Dustin was the defending champion, but he’s trying to WIN the title. Rude counters to a chinbreaker to break up the stupidity. Rude goes up but misses a double ax-handle. Dustin hits the KICK WHAM DDT, but time expires at 30:00. Long ass time to reach that result. **1/4 NWA Heavyweight Title: Barry Windham vs. Ric Flair. Remember all those classics they had in the 1980s. This isn’t one of them. Not to say it isn’t a decent match, but it’s no classic. They sell this as Flair’s last hurrah, but he outlasted every other person on the card but Sting and Dustin Rhodes. It starts out well enough with all of Flair’s usual sequences. Windham hits a superplex about nine minutes in and appears to be out of breath. He’s like Barry Windham’s older, fatter brother – Barry Winded. He misses a flopping elbowdrop, and Flair goes after the knee. The figure-four gets a quick pin at 11:39. No one realizes that the title has even changed hands, even Flair. A lot of people speculate on if someone screwed up – Windham forgetting to raise his shoulders or the ref counting too quickly. I doubt that because those things are extraordinarily rare and tend to happen on indie shows where everything is thrown together at the last minute. My theory is that the show was either running long or someone in the back wanted to get to Bischoff’s key party and told the ref to pull the plug. WCW and the NWA parted ways in September, rendering the belt worthless, but that didn’t stop WCW from using it. **1/2 Sting & Davey Boy Smith vs. Big Van Vader & Sid Vicious (w/Harley Race & Col. Rob Parker). This was the Masters of the Powerbomb vs. the Superpowers, which was set up by the insanely idiotic (yet kinda lovable, like Forrest Gump) mini-movie. Why was Sting always involved in the mini-movies? He makes John Cena look like Denzel. The musician Sting is actually a better actor. Anyway, this match is carried by Vader. Davey Boy actually gets him up for the delayed vertical suplex. Impressive. Most impressive. DBS plays face-in-peril for a while as Vader gets into a verbal sparring session with Sting and takes his mask off. Wanna bumble with the bee, bitch?! Sting gets the hot tag and cleans house, but the MOTP take over on him. Sid misses a wild elbowdrop, though, and Sting is able to tag out. Vader earns a small but vocal contingent of fans as he squashes Davey Boy with a Samoan Drop. That sets up the pump-splash (futurely known as the Vader Bomb). That only gets two, so Vader debuts THE VADERSAULT! Sting makes the save, though. Davey, who should be a grease spot, finishes with a crucifix at 16:36. Way to kill the move out of the gate. That should have been a killer, but Davey Boy was up a few moments later. Sid didn’t really contribute much, and now that I think about it, I don’t recall seeing any powerbombs. I like all these guys to varying degrees, but only Sting and Vader had any real chemistry, and their segments were few and far between. **1/4

The 411: With months of storyline already mapped out in advance, there wasn't much cause to give effort. It's like that twilight zone after you give you two-weeks notice. The Blondes, who were the hottest act in WCW at that point, were just about the only people on the roster giving it their all, and that was only out of spite. Everyone else was on autopilot until the Fall. Thumbs down here.
Final Score:  5.0   [ Not So Good ]