wrestling / Video Reviews
Jack Likes Indy Wrestling: Full Impact Pro: Ascension 2017 Review
Loading...This year the long running, sometimes very good, former ROH/current EVOLVE sister promotion Full Impact Pro announced it would be relaunching with a new, edgy, anything goes attitude. Gabe Sapolsky announced this by encouraging people to swear at him on Twitter because in the new F.I.P, swearing would officially be deemed cool. This sounded, to use F.I.P friendly language, fucking atrocious, but last month’s official re-debut show, Everything Burns, was actually quite impressive in its own way. Here is a mini review I wrote about it at the time, to provide some context.
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It’s fair to say that the first show of FIP’s new year reboot was… divisive. This is not necessarily a bad thing. Wrestling is at its most boring when it is blandly acceptable. Shows which defy consensus tend to at the very least be interesting, even if it’s for the wrong reasons.
By and large, though, I thought Everything Burns was rather likeable. The manic energy of the first half hour was admirable, and enabled FIP to crown a number one contender and establish a main event heel stable in the time it takes some companies to consider getting out of first gear. The opening match, in which the whole roster fought towards the ring in the hope of being given a contract for a title shot by an attractive lady, was a fun idea that hadn’t been thought through; the initial shot of everyone battling through the crowd towards the ring was exciting and different, but ultimately the odd rules and inexplicable interference from Su Yung saw the match fall apart.
From there, Darby Allin, Sami Callihan, AR Fox and Dave Crist established ‘Uncle John’s Friends,’ FIP’s dominant faction, and proceeded to ruin two matches before they’d even begun, then got involved in the aftermath of a three minute women’s match. It was easy to appreciate how anarchic and brave and different this was, but you could also be forgiven for wondering whether you’d ever get to see an actual wrestling match on this darn show. There’s a happy ending though, because the main event, which pitted the Friends against Dezmond Xavier, Sammy Guevara, Jason Cade and Jason Kincaid, was thrilling from start to finish, and a clear indication that Gabe Sapolsky is onto something with his new approach to FIP. Unhinged and compelling from beginning to end, the match boasted a dive train, a bizarre moment when a few of the wrestlers went through a hole in the wall and fought there for a little while, and an absolute frenzy of a finishing stretch. It was everything the new FIP promised to be.
Nothing else on the show was that entertaining, though the Hooligans vs. Drennan & Parrow was a fun warm up act, putting numerous tables and chairs to their traditional use within pro wrestling. More traditional matches on the card, like Martin Stone vs. Jon Davis, Austin Theory vs. Anthony Henry, and Fred Yehi vs. Teddy Stigma, suffered from a distinct lack of chaos- they came off like decent Evolve undercard matches, very much out of place within wild west FIP.
Still, a terrific headliner, a brisk pace, and a tangible sense of purpose and enthusiasm makes Everything Burns an enjoyable watch, especially at a tight run time of 2 hrs, 15 mins. It won’t be for everyone, and its flaws were plain to see (let’s not even talk about that building), but even while taking its baby steps, FIP is comfortably the weirdest thing on FloSlam. Which is a compliment!
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So, with that in mind, here’s a full length review of the difficult second outing, last weekend’s Ascension!
Announcer Trevin Adams attempts to welcome us to the show in the ring, but is immediately interrupted by heel tag team Drennen and Parrow bursting through the set and wailing away on a couple of nameless geeks. This is grounds for a match!
1- DRENNEN & PARROW VS. A YOUNG MAN AND HIS PAL
You can probably predict how this one goes- Drennen and Parrow just continue their mauling and win the match in about a minute. The attack continues after the match, with one guy getting smashed to pieces with a steel chair by Drennen. Parrow powerbombs the other into the crowd! God, I hope they weren’t real fans because they were flattened by that flying body. Although, a mischievous part of me kinda hopes they were. This was a pretty wild and exciting way to start the show!
Next, Austin Theory comes down to the ring for a match, but from the balcony, Sami Callihan and Darby Allin of Uncle John’s Friends interrupt. Callihan is upset that Theory has a WWN Live contract, but his trainer, and fellow Uncle John’s Friends member A.R Fox, does not. So, Sami has just one question for Austin Theory… ‘do you know Uncle John?’ Haha! Dig that catchphrase. This is the cue for A.R Fox to attack Theory from behind, but Sammy Guevara quickly makes the save, and the match is made for later tonight- Guevera & Theory vs. Callihan & Allin!
2- ALEX TAYLOR VS. CONOR BRAXTON VS. EDDIE MACHETE VS. JACKSON KELLY VS. XANDER KILLEN
None of these people have Cagematch profiles, which makes me feel quite lost. All of these wrestlers represent the Black & Brave Wrestling Academy, which is part owned by none other than Seth Rollins! Jackson Kelly instantly becomes the best wrestler in the world by brandishing the Simpsonised Australian flag with the boot going towards a bare butt. Conor Braxton rides a hoverboard to the ring; he’s used that for some fun spots in AAW. Hopefully he’ll impress here! Before the match, Xander Killen points out that Alex Taylor has missed his father’s funeral so he could compete here, which is utterly astonishing commitment. He gets a deserved handshake from everyone in the match, and responds by superkicking them all! Wrestling!
These sort of multi man matches live and die by the amount of zany elaborate multi man spots; otherwise, they just become a procession of tiny rotating singles matches. This is basically the latter, which is a shame, but everyone looks smooth and polished, and there is a dive train, which is always good fun! Xander Killen walks across the backs of a couple of competitors to get back to the apron, and then flings himself back onto everyone with a high crossbody! From there, it’s moves moves moves moves, and the biggest of them all is a twisting brainbuster from Conor Braxton, which puts Xander Killen away and polishes off an enjoyable but fairly routine multi man mayhem match. ** 1/2.
Any hope of Braxton enjoying a celebration is scuppered by Billy ‘the Goat’ Barbosa and his manager, Weevil ‘The Evil’ Whittaker. They possess a book which apparently contains the greatest moves of all time, and Whittaker claims that none of them were in the preceding five way. He then rambles on about Barbosa’s physique (the joke is it’s actually not that great) until Dan Barry interrupts so we can have a match. Whittaker has quite a few good lines but his delivery’s not super convincing.
3- BILLY BARBOSA VS. DAN BARRY
Barry puts Barbosa through a variety of submission holds at a leisurely pace and doesn’t seem troubled by his opponent at all. Repeated interference by Weevil Whittaker gives Billy an opening, but he fluffs it by taking too long to consult the Greatest Moves Ever book. He opts for Move #22, but can’t execute it because Barry clotheslines him all over the place. A Wrist Clutch Driver secures Dan Barry the comfortable three count. * 1/4. Barbosa gets some revenge post match with a sneaky low blow, before he and Whittaker escape to the back.
4- CALEB KONLEY VS. JASON CADE
Within the first two minutes of this match there are no less than four dives to the outside, which I consider a very positive sign! Although, admittedly, three of them are rattled off one after the other by Jason Cade. He is a super promising talent! Konley controls for a little while with a fairly interesting array of moves. Cade’s eventual comeback is full of intensity and there’s real snap to his execution. Konley seems on point as well. This is a good match! I mean, it’s your usual workrate indy undercard match with almost suspiciously noisy strikes and big, elaborate moves, but it’s a high end example of one. There’s a crazy spot where Cade charges at Konley on the floor, gets thrown into the air, but grabs onto the balcony and drops back down to the ground on his feet! Only to get crushed with a Northern Lights Bomb onto a steel chair from Konley! Cade gets back to his feet just before he’s counted out, and rallies to throw some chairs in Konley’s face. Back in the ring, a Springboard Destroyer from Cade! And it only gets two! Cade sets Konley on the top turnbuckle and leaps at him from the top rope, but gets caught in mid air, and a Top Rope Northern Lights Bomb ends what was a very good match. *** 3/4.
5- ARIA BLAKE VS. DYNAMITE DIDI
Aria Blake has some good kicks in her arsenal, and a smooth handstand into a head scissors. Dynamite DIdi looks competent and has flashes of a nice, heelish aggression, but her offense is limited. She has a short, uneventful control segment, before Blake comes back to start the near falls. Didi hits a Rolling Thunder into a double stomp, which is pretty bloody ace. Blake gets the win though, landing an Inverted DDT. This was adequate! * 1/2.
From the balcony, Darby Allin and A.R. Fox wonder if Aria Blake knows Uncle John. It doesn’t appear that she does, which makes it worrying that Sami Callihan has crept up behind her! Tracer X, Austin Theory and Sammy Guevara make the save, and the earlier announced tag match is upgraded to a six man! Allin actually phones Uncle John to make sure he’s OK with it, which may or may not be significant.
It’s worth noting that Timothy Barr, FIP’s ring announcer, is proving to be utterly infuriating. At first it was just wildly overpraising the quality of the matches and taking digs at Okada-Omega and swearing unnecessarily, but after Blake-Didi he claims to have been unaware women could wrestle until that match. I guess he’s just trolling but why would you want your ring announcer of all people to be such a hostile presence? The ideal personality trait for a ring announcer is ‘blandly likeable.’ Joey Styles was fired for much less.
Dontay Brown is in a bad mood because Amber Young has not paid up on their bet from last month. Young wagered Brown that her boyfriend Anthony Henry would beat Austin Theory, then refused to pay in either money or implied sexual favours. In revenge, Brown announces he is putting a $10,000 bounty on both Henry and Amber’s heads. Eddie Machete, Conor Braxton, and Billy Barbosa all immediately attempt to claim it, but Henry fights the first two off and Dan Barry saves him from the third… only to DDT Anthony Henry! And that’s enough justification for a match apparently. This isn’t a bad angle on paper but it has such a sleazy feel about it, and not in a good way.
6- ANTHONY HENRY VS. DAN BARRY
Henry is not going to go down without a fight, dropping Barry on the top rope with a TKO, then wiping him out on the floor with a Suicide Dive! The brawl continues out there, where Barry seizes the chance to work over Henry’s knee. He F5s him into the ring post, then ties him around it with a leg lock, and finally hammers the knee with a chair. I’m not someone who’s especially bothered about this sort of thing, but it’s worth noting that all the knee work doesn’t seem to trouble Henry in particular. He just does all his moves as normal and occasionally holds his knee and shakes it a bit. It’s hard not to be impressed, however, with how gosh darn fluid Henry can be, just stringing moves together effortlessly in one continuous motion. Barry tries to knock him out with a rolling elbow, but Henry ducks and hoists Barry up for the Vertebreaker, which secures the victory! ** 3/4.
Post match, a woman called Mela or Mula or Meulah (?) sneak attacks Amber Young, and is handed some cash by Dontay Brown as a result.
7- FLORIDA HERITAGE CHAMPIONSHIP- MARTIN STONE VS. JON DAVIS
Martin Stone wraps a chain round his fist and tries to clock Davis with it straight away, but Davis ducks and hits a pop up powerbomb! Stone tries again and connects this time, but Davis just shrugs it off and hits a lariat instead! From there the match spills to the floor, where Davis continues his dominance with a choke slam. Wowzers! I can understand why people would raise an eyebrow at so many big moves being hit and then almost ignored so early in the match, but in small doses it’s an undeniably exciting and different approach. Stone finally gets a foothold in the bout by wailing on Davis with a chair and DDTing him onto it. Back in the ring, Stone attempts to put the chair to further use, but Davis spins him into a mighty impressive powerslam on top of it! And then they just start hurling bombs at each other rapid fire, another exchange Davis wins, this time with an enzuiguri! This is totally relentless. Stone seems like he might be knocked out, but when Davis moves in for the kill he gets rolled up with a handful of tights for the three count! ****. The only other review of this I’ve been able to find gave it * 1/2, so maybe take this rating with a pinch of salt, but I thought this absolutely rocked it? Two big tough guys hurling huge moves at each other for 15 minutes? Yes please! The finish, in fairness, was a dismal anti climax, but did kind of make sense in context. Davis dominated the whole match with Stone doing just enough to survive, which made for an enjoyable alternative dynamic to the ‘hot start from face, heel controls the middle, frantic finishing sequence’ structure that most of the matches on this show have stuck to. In the end, Stone found a way of winning while still very much on the backseat. Not that that made the moment when you realised such a terrific slugfest had ended with a cheap roll-up any better, but still, this was a terrific slugfest, the crowd were into it the whole way, it told a decent story, and it was noticeably different from the rest of the card. Gooooood stuff.
Post match, Davis lashes out at the fans, who seemed largely behind the villainous Stone in that one.
8- FIP WORLD CHAMPIONSHIP- FRED YEHI VS. BRIAN CAGE
Yehi decides the best form of defense is attack and rushes Cage with forearms in the corner right from the bell! It doesn’t stop Cage from soon overwhelming him with his power, though. Much like the previous match this is all action from the bell and absolutely great. Cage has a fabulously deep arsenal and uses it to keep his dominance over Yehi interesting. Yehi keeps himself competitive with rare but impactful strikes, and is able to keep Cage down for two with a sequence of his trademark foot stomps and some dropkicks. He even muscles Cage over for a German Suplex for a close near fall! The fluidity of both of these guys is exceptional. Cage hits two powerbombs and then floats right into a Death Valley Driver! For a while, I think this match has peaked too early, because the early stages are so hot that the finishing stretch surely will only seem a bit of an anti climax. But somehow, they find another gear, and the sparse crowd are going absolutely mad for it. Yehi ultimately toughs out Cage’s devastating power offense and ekes out the victory with a Koji Clutch. Cage is tangled in the ropes, but in no rules FIP that counts for nothing! Which is a pretty nice subtle way to put over the new FIP’s whole ethos. This absolutely KILLED it! Just BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM all the way through, a traditional big guy-small guy match on amphetamines. Huge moves underpinned by a solid story, performed at a ridiculous speed. WWN’s unloved angry stepchild has hosted a genuinely world class match. **** 1/4.
9- SAMMY GUEVARA, AUSTIN THEORY & TRACER X VS. UNCLE JOHN’S FRIENDS (Sami Callihan, AR Fox, Darby Allin)
Predictably, this is tremendous chaos. The early stages are just rotating singles matches with wrestlers dropping out the ring to allow others a minute in the spotlight, but the action is frantic and athletic and snappy enough to forgive this. Darby Allin hits a really cool springboard monkey flip on Austin Theory. OHHHHH! Guevara flings himself at Callihan in the corner, Callihan ducks, Guevara just keeps soaring over the ring post and wipes out half the field. Allin then hits this ridiculously gorgeous/terrifying Springboard Coffin Drop to the floor and I’m beginning to realise recapping all the cool shit that will occur in this is a futile endeavour. Just, rest assured, there is a ton more cool shit, A TON, mostly taking the form of insane dives. Everyone brawls around the bar area and then onto the stage. I cannot accurately convey how legitimately unhinged and scary this is, but also how utterly sumptous the execution of all the moves are. WATCH THIS! BODIES FLY EVERYWHERE AS PEOPLE START JUMPING FROM THE RING TO THE STAGE AND WIPING EACH OTHER OUT! In the chaos, Aria Blake has made her way to ringside to cheer on the fan favourites. Am I jaded to distrust her immensely? The match has now finally made it’s way back to the ring and does fall off ever so slightly, becoming just a very good, nimble indy six man rather than the completely mental brawl it was. Then again, Callihan’s running Death Valley Driver into the corner to Theory is reasonably mental. Guevara one ups the People’s Moonsault with a People’s 450 Leg Drop onto both Callihan and Fox. Everyone blitzes each other with high-tech moves for close near falls, and I am prepared to upgrade the bout back up to great because some of the double teams are so innovative, just state of the art. In the end, Callihan and Fox isolate Austin Theory, and Fox puts his student away with Lo Mein Pain and the Fox Catcher. **** 1/2. This was unspeakably brilliant.
