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I just made tortillas like abuela taught me, so these fingers is ready to fuckin rock!

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Match 1: CM Punk vs Penta Oscuro
We get a shoving match to start, Punk kicks to stop the madness. Chop to Penta. Penta chops back. Forearm from Punk, one from Penta, chop and a chop, back and forth, over and over and over again, and the crowd LOVES it! They stop the chops and go with the fists to the head!!! Kick from Punk. Right hand misses, superkick from Penta. Both men to one knee. Running kick from Punk. He locks the knucks, runs up the corner Penta drops him, Punk lands on his feet, hip toss! Dropkick from Punk. Cover for 1….2…NO!!! Ankle Lock from Penta! Punk slings him into the corner. Penta up and we go to break.

We come back, and Punk is seated on the top rope. He slinks down to the 2nd, Penta climbs the corner. Both men to the top, they crash and burn, and blame it on Punk’s knee. Penta whips Punk, but he cant stay standing, dropping to his feet. Penta runs up with the stomps. Penta sits Punk up on the top rope, goes for a right, Punk blocks. Rights of his own, he sits Penta up top and hits a rana off the top! Running high knee in the corner! No bulldog, Punk goes straight for GTS! Penta hits some hard elbows, going IN till Punk drops to his knees. Penta drives his knee to the back, and pulls back on the arm, but Punk gets out, fireman’s take over into an Anaconda Vice! Penta REACHES!!! He gets a boot on the bottom rope! Both men on the apron. Chop for each. Punk with a right to the head, over and over and over, Penta kicks, tries for a piledriver, underhooks! Wants a Fear Factor, Punk escapes, kicks, PILEDRI—-NO!!! Penta escapes, Punk hits a high kick to the head! Penta rolls into the center of the ring, Punk is still on the apron. Springboard clothesline from Punk! Running high knee. Whip into a short clothesline! Penta is not so quick to rise, so Punk grabs the arm and kicks him in the face, lifts Penta on the shoulders, Go2—NO!!! Penta catches the leg!!!! FEA—-NO!!! Punk misses a kick! Enziguri from Penta! He punhes the back, and pulls back on the arm yet again!!! Punk rlls into a pin! 1…2…NO!!!!

Crucifix from Penta for 1..2..NO!!! Punk tries for a neckbreaker, but Penta shoves him and hits a kick!!!! Springboard off the ropes INTO A GO2SLEEP!!!!!!

Winner: CM Punk
Wow. This was damned good. A banger! YEAH I SAID BANGER, DAMNIT!!!
Total Rating: ***3/4
Match Time: 13:35

Earlier today, Jericho and his goons landed via private jet. Jericho tries to cut a promo, but a car rolls up and it’s Kingston! Lol. They drive away and Parker and Lee are chillin. Parker doesn’t have shoes. Ha! Eddie robbed them!!! Sorry, I forgot their names. I’d say I’ll fix in post, but I won’t. I’m eating.

Match 2: AEW World Tag Team Championship Match
ReDragon vs Jungle Boy and Luchasaurus

JB and Fish to start. JB drops Fish on his back quickly, then ducks under a right, and hops up for a rana. Dropkick and a kip up from JB. Hard forearm, he works the wrist, Fish with a knee, kick, right hand. Tag to KOR. HE enters, hits some quick knees. Side headlock. Tag to Lucha, who comes in with a right-left-right combo in the corner. Whip to KOR. KOR holds on, kick to Lucha, Lucha misses a boot, KOR tags in Fish, who drops down to the floor. KOR with a Dragon Screw over the rope, Fish pulls the leg out from Lucha and Dragon Screws him INTO a barricade. Fish grabs the head, sends Lucha into the ring, follows, and covers for 1….NO! Lucha to one knee. Right hand is missed, Fish hits a punch to the gut, tag to KOR. Fish with a right, left, kick and KOR kicks the back of the leg, then locks up the leg. Tag to Fish. Fish hops over with a senton. Cover for 1…NO! Tag to KOR. KOR back in, corners Lucha. Kicks to the mid, Lucha kicks KOR away, back chop toFIsh, and a knee to KOR. Tag to JB! He comes in, hits the chest, another, in comes Fish and he gets a body slam, kick to KOR, JB hits the ropes, high knee from KOR, but JB with a clothesline! He sends Fish over the top by holding the ropes, then suicide dives into KOR! Another into Fish! JB re-enters, and we are about to get another dive, but ReDragon move to the ramp! Lucha runs the apron, hits the corner, moonsault onto both!!! Lucha sends KOR into the ring, Fish kicks the leg out from under Lucha! Jungle Boy flies with a front flip to the outside!

JB back to the apron, Fish grabs his leg, KOR takes advantage. Ref is distracted, and Fish pulls the arm out from under JB and slams it into the apron! We are back from a break, and JB has a pin but only gets two. He ties fo a chop, but KOR captures the arm and pushes JB down. JB spins off the ropes with an arm drag. Tag to Lucha! Tag to Fish! Lucha drops both of them! Right to each, kick to Fish, He sends KOR into the corner, rushes with a back splash, one for Fish, another for KOR, and another for Fish! KOR runs with a kick, Lucha side steps, and KOR hits Fish! GERMAN TO KOR!!! Lucha ducks a right fmr Fish, KOR, kick to the head, KOR shoves him, but Lucha hits a double clothesline! GOOZLE!!! TIMES TWO!!! CHOKESLAM!!! Standing Moonsault to KOR! Pin for 1..2….NO!!!! KOR reaches for a tag, gets it, rushes the corner with a forearm, running knee from Fish! Lucha hits a knee, JB back on the apron for a tag. He dives off with an elbow drop! Cover for 1..2…NO!!!! Fish rushes, misses a kick, tag to KOR. Butterfly suplex to JB, he holds on, pulls back, Fish hits a German!!! Cover from Fish for 1..2…NO!!! Into a cross arm breaker! JB reaches a rope! Gets the break!

KOR seats JB on the top rope. Right hands from JB. He places KoR in between his legs, but Fish is there to catch his leg! Lucha with a big boot to Fish! Lucha sits KOR onto his shoulders! Fish is back! He crotches JB! KOR WITH A guillotine! Fish locks JB up on the top rope! HE HITS A FUCKING FALCON ARROW OVER LUCHA AND KOR!!!! Cover for 1..2..NO!!!! KOR and Lucha fall into the pin!!!

KOR And Lucha up! Right hand! Kick form KOR! Right from Lucha! Kick, slap, high knee from KOR! GOOZLE!!! KOR drops! Kick to the chest, drop boot to the head, JB with a superkick! Fish hits a back elbow to Fish! KOR drops Lucha to his knees!

JB Runs up the back of Lucha! DDT TO KOR!!! Tail whip to Fish! Jurassic Express into a cover for 1..2….3!!!!!

Winner: Jungle Boy and Luchasaurus
Holy shit, my fingers need a break! What an amazing clash of styles! A CERTIFIED BANGER!!!!
Total Rating: ***1/2
Match Time: 13:45

After the match, KOR attacks Lucha with a chair to the back of the leg! He grabs Fish and helps him out of the ring, crying bullshit!

FTR’s music hits, and here come The Top Guys! They’ve got their titles and stand at the top of the ramp. They hold their titles in theair, right in front of ReDragon. They then get into a shoving match!

BACKSTAGE, Regal is all happy with Bryan, Jon, and Wheeler. They are all fired up. Bryan says Yuta is fighting with them, and tonight they will face The Gunn Club. Jon says he doesn’t know them, but he doesn’t like them. They are a bunch of goofs, so they’re going to break their faces open. Yuta says on Friday, the real work begins.

Tony informs us that the first round of the Owen Hart Special will be Toni vs Jamie. CHEEKS VS CHEEKS! The rest of the bracket is unknown, but who cares!? Hayter tells Toni she will win, and she will break Toni’s face. Toni says nothing.

Match 3: MJF vs Shawn Dean

Dean is wearing camo on his face, looking full on special ops. MJF struggles to remove his scarf from his jacket, and it appears he’s stuck. He asks Spears for help. Spears comes to help, but can’t. Ref wants MJF to stop the nonsense. He tells Spears to get off the apron, and MJF attacks Dean from behind! He then reveals he could unzip his jacket the entire time! THAT SCUMBAG!

MJF whips Dean into the corner hard and poses on the top rope!

We get footage from backstage, with three staff members laid out, one shirtless. MJF seems concerned. Crowd knows what’s coming. MJF grabs Dean, sends him outside the ring. MJF follows and whips Dean into the barricade. MJF sends Dean into the apron then gloats against the barricade.e An AEW Staff member walks up. IT’S WARDLOW!!!

Wardlow chases MJF into the ring then out. Spears hits him with a chair, Wardlow no-sells. He turns, grabs Spears, looks to powerbomb him, removes the shirt, out comes security, but Wardlow dispatches them with ease. He powerbombs one onto the apron then shoves one after one until the numbers are too much.

Ref is still counting as MJF is at the top of the ramp. Ref hits 8 as MJF tries to find his way into the ring. He grabs a mic, tells Bryce to wait, says he will pay him triple what Khan is paying him to count to ten. He is currently at 9.

REF COUNTS TO TEN!!!!! Hahaha. MJF loses!

Winner: Shawn Dean
Y’all……WHAT A BANGER!!!!
Total Rating: ½*
Match Time: 4:10

MJF runs down the ramp and gets in the face of Bryce. Bryce shoves him away.

We head back to the back, and Wardlow is still shoving dudes. He grabs a camera, tells MJF he wont stop till he gets what he wants. He wants out of his contract.

DARBY video package. The wedding song plays as he slowly walks up towards a coffin outline. He shoves it over, tells Andrade he’d like to put a nail in this whole thing.

MALAKAI BLACK wonders if Fuego’s hopes and dreams are the same as when he was a child. Black wonders if they cut open his neck, push his hands through the wound, and open his throat, what would they find? A dark abyss of razor blades. Maybe one day he’ll appreciate them, but for now, he appreciates a fanbase that thanks him because the house wanted it so. The house gives, and takes, and now they will take the brightest light and drag it down the deepest part of his soul, and if you wonder why he is alone, he wants you to be afraid of the shadows.

JAS gets a voice-over intro from Matt Menard. Hager, Jericho, and Garcia are ready for action. There’s a JR lookalike in the crowd that stumps Jim Ross. Haha.

Ortiz comes out with Parker’s shoes on his neck.

Match 4: Eddie Kingston, Santana, and Ortiz vs Chris Jericho, Jake Hager, and Daniel Garcia

Jericho and Santana to start. Jericho tries to punk Santana, so Santana punches him in the face. He corners Jericho and mounts for the ten punch. Whip to Jericho. Kick from Jericho. Santana hits one of his own, eating Jericho’s kick like candy. Whip to th ropes, Santana holds on, kicks, Jericho chops, Santana chops, they go back and forth.

Kingston and Ortiz must be bored, because they run on the attack, with Ortiz pouncing on hager, and Kingston beating the piss out of Garcia. Hager ends up getting the upperhand, though, dropping Ortiz hard then running to Kingston to choke him a bit.

In the ring, Santana drops Jericho and punhes the forehead a few times. Kingston bites the forehead of hager on the outside. Santana yells for them to hit the apron. Lol. Kingston in the ring, tag to Ortiz. He whips Santana into Jericho, hits him, then they send Jericho into an STO from Kingston. Jericho is favoring his nose. Tag to Hager. Whip to Ortiz and they double shoot him up then down hard. Hager pins with a knee, Ortiz oesnt have the shoulders down. Ortiz up, Hager knocks him back down with a right. Another right. Ortiz kicks the knee, chop to the chest, another. Hager lifts, Ortiz floats over into a rollup, but Hager hits a hard right sending him down. Lift to Ortiz, tag to Garcia, powerslam to Ortiz. Garcia in with some rights. He grabs the head, backs into a tag from Jericho. Jericho with a right. PiP time.

We are BACK and Jericho misses a lionsault! Ortiz reaches for a tag, Jericho grabs his boot, Ortiz breaks it, Jericho whips him, Ortiz with a clothesline. Reaches for a tag, but here comes Ortiz to stop him! Ortiz got the tag! He flies under Ortiz, Ortiz ruhes the corner. Tag to Kingston. Hager in. Jericho in! Kingston sends both of them out! Chop from Garcia! High knee from Ortiz. Double underhook, suplex to Garcia! Tag to Santana! Hooks the head, suplex, another, a third! Frog Splash!!!! Cover for 1…2…NO!!!! Tag to Kingston! Eddie corners Garcia, hits a chop, another, another, ouch!!!! He’s murdering Garcia!!!! Whip into Santana who hits a uranage. Ortiz with a leg drop off the 2nd rope!!! Ortiz locks Garcia up ,Santan to the top rope, Kingston shoots Hager off the top rope! SUICIDE DIVE FROM KINGSTON!!! Streetswee—no! Jericho is in the ring! Ortiz powerbombs Garcia INTO Jericho! Matt and Angelo run down the ramp, but Ortiz shoots himself over the top rope onto them!! Tag to Kingston!

Kingston comes in and beats down Garcia with slaps! Exploder! Goes for a backfist, Garcia pushes him into the ropes. Jericho has the bat! He clocks Kingston in the back! Garcia covers! 1…2…….3!!!

Winners; JAS
There were moments where it was a bit sloppy, but rightfully so considering who was involved. IT was good when it needed to be, and although I wish they’d end the feud here, I’m not quite over it, yet. I suppose if it was just a bit better in the wrestling I could call it a….no, you know what. This was a certified…..BANGER!!!!!!!
Total Rating: **
Match Time: 11:42

Marvez is backstage laughing at MJF. MJF is pissed. Have we forgotten who he is? He is the prodigy, the phenom, the pro. It’s so funny what happened to him. No sympathy for the devil? That’s ok. He doesn’t need it; he has money. Sterling is with him. MJF has the right to book or not book Wardlow against anyone. This means no more just showing up for no reason. MJF is going to put Wardlow to work. He has the best idea, too.

MJF hands money over and The Butcher walks into frame as the paid assassin.

Marina Shafer comes out to the ring, and I kinda like how she walks out as if she is only concerned about fighting.

Match 5: Skye Blue vs Marina Shafer
Shafer with a hard takedown. She gains wrist control. Shafir dead lifts Skye, Skye tries for a guillotine, but Shafir locks in a bear hug. She then drops Blue hard on her stomache.

Kier Hogan and Red Velvet are shown in the Baddie Section.

Shafir lifts Sky, clubs the back. Hard forearm to the face. Skye tries to flight back from the knees, Shafit kicks the leg, pumphandle toss over the head. Shafir doesn’t even smile. She sares down the Baddie Section, listening.

Skye with a Nelson, but Shafi escapes quickly, tries for a knee bar, gets a 1 count pin, palm strike to the sternum, into a rollup, hooking the leg and the arm, and Skye taps immediately.

Winner: Marina Shafir
IT wasn’t pretty…but it was still a BANGER!!!!!
Total Rating: NR
Match Time: 2:24

Next week, Hook will be on Dynamite for the first time. He looks to actually speak, but here comes Nese and Sterling who says Hook was handed his success. Hook stands up with his medicine ball, turns, and there’s Danhausen. Hook tosses the ball over his head, and Danhausen falls back with the ball in his gut.

Match 6: Powerhouse Hobbs and Ricky Starks vs Swerve and Kieth Lee

Swerve and Hobbs to start. Hobbs overpowers with a tackle, knocking Swerve down hard. He lifts up for a fallaway slam, staring Lee down while doing it. Lee applauds him. Tag to Starks. Starks gets mad love from NO. Starks hurts the arm, works the wrist, locks the fingers, chops the chest, runs up the corner, then sexy walks across the ropes!!! YES!!!!!! Hammer to the arm! Whip to the corner, reversed, Starks hops over, hits a shoulder to the chest, then poses like a fucking G!!! Starks sends Swerve into the ropes, Swerve bonuces off, rana to the head! Dropkick to Starks! Damn! Tag to Lee! He double chops, sits Stark in the corner, Swerve locks the arms with his legs and Lee chops the shit out of Starks with both hands! Tag to Swerve, he comes off the top rope with a kick to the back. Cover for 1…NO!!! Starks is up, Swerve sends Lee to the corner. Tag to Lee. RICK-Y! chant. Hobbs comes in, Lee sends him out, sends Starks out , tag to Swerve. Lee on the apron, he backs up, Swerve stands on the chest of Lee and moonsaults onto both men outside!!!!

We back and Lee tags in! He trucks Starks, again, sends him to the corner. Headbutt. Lee gives him one of his own! He locks up Starks in the ropes, but Hobbs attacks from behind. Back elbow from lee. Double chop attempt but Starks hits a knee! Hobbs rushes him, Lee leapfrogs and Hobbs runs INOT Starks! Huge toss from Lee to Starks INTO Hobbs!! Tag to Swerve. Punch from Lee, from Swerve, Driver/punch combo! Cover from Swerve for 1..2…NO!!!! Single underhook from Swerve, Starks arm drags him, Swerve sends him to the outside, kick from Swerve, sends Starks into the ring. Springboard, but Hobbs is up, so Swerve drops, drops Hobbs onto the apron head first! Swerve hits the ropes, rolls through, SPEAR!!!!!!! He sends Lee off the apron! Starks runs, jumps, locks the head, a fucking flipping DDT TO SWERVE! Cover for 1..2…..N!O!!! Ricky sends Swerve t othe corner, top rope, locks the head, Lee is up, gets a tag, into the ring, Swerve shoots Ricky off the corner, and Lee hits a pounce!! Coer for 1..2….NO!!!!!

Lee and Hobbs go face to face and the crowd WANTS BLOOD!!!!

Lee grabs Starks, Starks breaks the hold. Enziguri. Tag to Hobbs.

TAZZ IS HERE!!!!

Starks wants to finish, but Lee tosses him aside. Punch from Lee to Hobbs on the corner. Tazz is ringside. This gets an ECW chant. Lee gets Starks on the shoulders, Swerve to the top! Hobbs shoves him off! Rana to Lee!!! Hobbs gets posted by Swerve!!! Starks locks the hed, goes for a tornado DDT but Lee catches him!! Sits him on the top rope, kick from Starks! ANOTHER! SPEAR!!!!! COVER!!! SWERVE OFF THE TOP ROPE WITH A SPLASH!!!!

Hobbs in the ring, he smashes Swerve in the corner. Hobbs turns to Lee, locks his head, Lee gets him in a firemans! Back elbow!!! Lee hits the ropes, TAZZ HOOKS THE LEG! SPINEBUSTER FROM HOBBS!!!!!!! 1…….2……..3!!!!!!!

Winners: Ricky Starks and Powerhouse Hobbs
SAY IT WITH ME NOW!!!! BANGER!!!!!!!!!
Total Rating: ***1/2
Match Time: 12:34

They play Starks’ music for him and the crowd.

Schiavone is backstage with Rosa. She asks about her defense against Nyla, but cant answer much because Nyla comes over with a cake. Says it was supposed to have writin on it, but that cost extra. They are celebrating the world’s shortest title reign. Rosa wonders if they think she’s stupid, then shoves the cake into Nyla’s face. Nyla accidentally hits Vickie then attacks Rosa till refs come.

Jay Lethal and Sonjay Dutt are ringside for the main event.

Match 7: ROH Television Championship Match
Samoa Joe vs Minoru Suzuki

CHOP ATTACK!!!!!! Back and forth for about 32 minutes! The chests are red! Joe with a forearm! Another! Suzuki hits one, and they stop to stare each other down. Suzuki eats one, then hits a chop of his own! Good lord! They are murdering their titties! Neither man is shaking, both taking the hits with pleasure! Joe ends up hitting chop after chop after chop, and Suzuki eats em!!! It’s his turn! Chop after chop! Joe with more! Holy fuck, man!!!!!

Two minutes in, and they are staring each other down now. Suzuki goes for a fighter’s stance, but chops Joe instead. Over and over! Joe retaliates! SO does Suzuki! Foerarm and Suzuki staggers!!! Another forearm, Suzuki gets one, elbow strike from Joe. Forearm from Suzuki. Another staredown.

There is LITERAL bruising on Joe’s shoulder. Suzuki has his tongue out, hits a forearm. Joe loves it!!! Suzuki hits the ropes JOE WITH A TACKLE! SUZUKI IS DOWN!!!!! Suzuki to the apron. He gets an armbreaker across the ropes!!!! Ref counts!

We are back, and Joe is working Suzuki with both arms behind his back. Joe drives an elbow into the side. Suzuki gets some separation and heads to the corner. Right hand from Joe. Whip to the corner, Suzuki kicks Joe in the chest, dropping him down to the mat. Snapmare. Suzuki hits the ropes, kick to the chest. Cover for 1..2…NO!!!! Suzuki grabs the head, block a right hand. Suzuki sets up for a piledriver. Joe escapes. CHOP BATTLE PART II!!!!! They go back and forth. We are at the :57 mark. Joe misses a chop, Suzuki from behind! Locks in a submission ,but Joe lifts up and slams Suzuki down! CHOP AGAINST THE ROPES! Joe hits the ropes. Dropkick from Suzuki!!! Suzuki wants the Gotch Piledriver! He sets up, Joe escapes again. Knee to Joe in the corner.

Suzuki with the submission from behind, Joe backs him into the corner, sits Suzuki up on the top rope, chops the chest, Joe grabs the head, looking to bend him in half, but Suzuki tries for an arm bar!!! Joe escapes. MUSCLE BUSTER!!!!!!!!! 1…….2………3!!!

Winner: Samoa Joe
Admittedly, the ending was a bit abrupt, but man did they practically murder each other before it!? 10+ minutes of two dudes popping blood vessels makes this a…CERTIFIED BANGER!!!!
Total Rating: ***
Match Time: 11:42

Sonjay on the mic. He congratulates Joe! Lethal promised a gift, and here it is. Lethal has a box. We get the reveal, and it’s Lethal flipping Joe off.

The lights go out!!!

They are back on, and it’s a tall ass dude. We learn that it’s Satnam Singh, some former NBA dude.

There are heavy boos from the crowd, and although I don’t want to speak for a mass of people, I think a bulk of the boos come from the distaste for this big dude, and not for the heelish tactics that are on display.

The three guys attack Joe, Singh squeezes Joe’s head while Jay hits a Lethal Injection, and we end the show on a sour note.