Rebooting GFW/TNA One More Time

Global Force Wrestling/Anthem/Impact Wrestling/Total Nonstop Action/NWA: TNA/The Owl/Dixie’s Christmas Present is once again on its death bed. Stop me if you’ve heard that one before.

It’s become clear over the years that TNA (it will always be TNA to me, damnit) will never die. It’s not even a cockroach at this point. I’ve killed cockroaches with my shoe protected foot. They can die. TNA is like 2005 Matt Hardy. It will not die. Their girlfriend may cheat on them, they might get fat, they’ll turn in some bad performances, they’ll be saddled with an addicted brother, they’ll burn some bridges, they’ll break. But they’ll never die.

Whenever TNA is in trouble, they do the only thing they know how to do: Reboot the system. I don’t blame them for taking this particular action. Whenever something goes wrong on one of my electronic devices, I too reboot it. 90 percent of the time, it works every time.

Here are my ideas for the next TNA Reboot:

*Name Change: Since they’ve declared TNA dead and Jeff Jarrett owns the GFW name, they’ll once again have to change the name. I’m assuming Anthem will end up selling to some money mark like Billy Corgan or the guy who made Wrestlelicious. Who knows, maybe Larry Csonka will buy the company. If WhatCulture can have a wrestling company, why can’t 411Mania? Get ready world, 411 Wrestling Federation is coming soon.

*Find A New World Champion: I don’t know who the current GFW champion is. I know it used to be Alberto El Patron, but they stripped him of the title for being a terrible person. The current champion doesn’t matter because the way to ensure a successful reboot is to put the title on someone new. I suggest they put the belt on Ryback. I don’t know if Ryback has wrestled a single match since his WWE release, but he makes headlines through his podcast and that’s free publicity for the company. Ryback will be the first ever 411 Wrestling Federation Ultimate Undisputed Interim Champion of No Explanation Needed.

*Hire Vince Russo: That’s right, hire Vince Russo. You may not like or agree with the man, but you can’t help but talk about him. Russo is perfect for 2017 America. Think about it. What do Americans love? Train wrecks and stupidity. That’s why Donald Trump is president. That’s why reality television is so popular. That’s why gossip and hot takes rule the internet. No one does those things better than Vince Russo. Sure, he won’t win any fans who like their pro wrestling pure and consistent, but who cares about them? They’ll continue to watch anyway. We’ll keep the core audience and appeal to the masses with Russo at the helm.

*More Pyro and Ballyhoo: Because you can never have enough.

*Make Eva Marie The Face of the Women’s Division: Since Steve Cook is a minority owner of 411 Wrestling Federation, we have no choice but to give in to this demand.

*Move The Show: The Impact Zone/Global Galaxy/Anthem Asylum/Owl’s Nest is dated. We’re going to move the new 411 Fortress in California. Why California? I’m glad I asked.

*Celebrities: We can attract all kinds of celebrities in California. We’ll tell them we’re shooting a television show, and next thing you know, Alison Brie is at the 411 Fortress. The more celebrities we use, the more publicity we’ll get. Who knows, we may even put the 411 Wrestling Federation Ultimate Undisputed Interim Champion of No Explanation Needed Title Belt Strap on one of the celebrities. I think it’d look pretty good on one of those kids from Stranger Things.

*Old Faces: We won’t be able to attract celebrities right off the bat, so we’ll need some old faces to hook the audience. We already have Ryback, but we need more. CM Punk might be an option if we promise him a shoot fight with Ryback. Batista is in Hollywood, so he’s definitely an option. But we’ll have to aim a bit lower to start. I’m thinking of Rey Mysterio, but we unmask him so people know it’s Rey Mysterio and not someone else under the mask. We’re also gonna sign Mr. Anderson/Kennedy except rename him Mr. McGregor for no real reason other than to capitalize off that last name by saying it twice. Finally, we’re signing every ECW guy who still works because E-C-DUB!

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