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Ring Crew Reviews: WCW Bash at the Beach 1995

February 18, 2014 | Posted by Jack Bramma
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Ring Crew Reviews: WCW Bash at the Beach 1995  

Scheduled Card:
1. WCW United States Heavyweight Championship: Meng vs. Sting (c).
2. WCW World Television Championship: Paul Orndorff vs. The Renegade (c).
3. Kamala vs. Hacksaw Jim Duggan.
4. Diamond Dallas Page vs. Dave Sullivan.
5. Triangle Match for the WCW World Tag Team Championship: The Nasty Boys vs. The Blue Bloods vs. Harlem Heat (c).
6. Lifeguard Match: Ric Flair vs. Macho Man Randy Savage.
7. Steel Cage Match for the WCW World Heavyweight Championship: Big Van Vader vs. Hulk Hogan (c).

• We start off with a horrible clip-art promo hyping up SLIM JIM’S BASH AT THE BEACH! Macho’s the only moving part because he’s the Slim Jim’s pitch man and because he’s wrestling Flair tonight. Hogan will also get Vader in the cage.

• We’re live via helicopter shot from Huntington Beach, California in another outdoor, non-paying show. Tony and Brain are out hosts. Tony says this is the largest crowd to ever see a world championship match BUT WE’RE NOT MAKING ANY MONEY OFF IT! He adds that tonight, the roadkill tour comes to an end. Brain piggybacks noting that the “road-core-kill tour” will certainly end with Hogan’s career getting killed tonight.

WCW United States Heavyweight Championship: Meng vs. Sting (c). Meng would debut earlier in the year and get submarined by Hacksaw at Uncensored even though he’d go over. He went to a five minute double countout against Hawk the following month and then rounded out his rousing spring run by losing to Sting in the finals of the US title tournament. But now, he’s getting a monster movie build.

• “FROM THE TIME OF HIS EXISTENCE, HE WAS TAUGHT TO INTIMIDATE! TO ELIMINATE! TO CONQUER AND DESTROY! A ONE MAN SHIELD OF STEEL IS MENG! Brought up to protect the emperors of the far east, his soul disperses fear to all persons willing to step into his protective domain. Trained in 9 forms of martial arts, MENG IS A MASTER OF DISASTER! Inside his mind, the focus is there. DISCIPLINE! TENACITY! INTELLIGENCE! THE FIGHT WILL CONTINUE UNTIL THE BREATHING STOPS! TERMINATION! Victims are many; friends are few; fear is WIDESPREAD! PROTECT MY MASTER WITH ALL MEANS NECESSARY! I have been put here to finish the contest, to eliminate the competition, to continue to serve. THIS! IS! MENG!”

• Meanwhile, Beach Bum Okerlund is with Sting. Sting says he knows how tough Meng is but today the Stinger is on his turf. He won’t fall prey to Meng’s KICKS OR SWATS OR KARATE CHOPS! Meng may know seven martial arts (even though the package just said nine) but Sting knows seven forms of crazy! Sting contrasts the kicks and chops with his beach, palm trees, and waves and waves of Stingers – BIG ONE, LITTLE ONES, MEDIUM-SIZED ONES! Sting has Mark Johnson and Stevie Pugh(?) by his side but he also has his mom and dad. Sting won’t be embarrassed in his hometown. Then Gene checks to confirm that indeed he is from Huntington Beach and this is his hometown for the 8th time. Sting yells some more and puts over his “muss-culls” (“A LITTLE OF THE OLE’ POPEYE! YEAH!”).
Brain: “Sting says he’s ready…. this man Meng is DOUBLE READY!”

• Meng scares Sting back into the corner as Sting flies off to dodge some kicks. Sting keeps his distance early as Tony brings up Meng’s KO power. Sting calls for a test of strength and they hook up. Another rope break and the fans are rowdy. They didn’t come to the beach for free for any fuckin’ ROPE BREAKS! Meng goes to the leathery chops and forearms. Sting no sells and now they slug it out. Sting wins that with the usual but Meng won’t go down. Meng Hulks up and Sting backs away because even HE isn’t crazy enough to mess with Meng. Brain: “You couldn’t pay me enough to fight that man.” Sting pauses to hoot and holler for his Stingers. Another lockup for another rope break. Randy Anderson pleads with Meng as Tony calls him a “killer.” After a third break, Meng decides to cheat a little and club down Sting with some shots to the neck. Sting fires back with shots and we’re still slugging it out. Meng tries to BLATANTLYCHOKE but Sting overpowers as Brain talks about all the vehicles the fans have: “THEY GOT WINNEBAGOS! THEY GOT DUNEBUGGIES! THEY’RE COMING ON SURFBOARDS!”

• Meng clubs him back into the corner for some more choking. Brain calls the crowd bums as Sting can’t get going out of the blocks. Meng drops a leg for 1, 2, 2 ½. Meng switches to a nerve hold but Sting counters off a Sting chant from the crowd. Meng takes over though with MOARROPEBREAK! They jockey over a suplex as Tony plays up Baywatch filming a segment with some WCW wrestlers. Brain: “One of the babes winked at me.” Tony: “SHE DID NOT! She had sand in her eye.” Brain: “Both eyes? She was giving me the winks. You know what that means.” ANYWAY, they’re still rope breaking their way through the opening 15 minutes of the PPV. Tony: “Meng’s strategy so far has been to push Sting back into a corner.” Meng goes to the chops. Tony: “THE QUICKNESS OF MENG!” Sting tries a Stinger-line but Meng no sells and fires up for the MARTIAL ARTS POSE!

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• Meng lands a headbutt and scoops Sting up for a slam. Meng heads up top but whiffs on a splash and the crowd comes alive as Sting wants the Deathlock. Sting rolls him over. BUT WAIT! COLONEL PARKER HAS GOT THE REFEREE! Meng attacks Sting from behind with a kick and NOW WE GO TO SCHOOL, TONGAN DEATH STYLE! Meng shitcans him out and then trashes him into the turnbuckle. Tony: “The Blue California skies.” Thanks for that. Anyway, Meng suplexes Sting back in but Sting tries to float over or some shit and gets folded up and it looks AWFUL. Sting still manages to kick out at 2. Meng follows up with consecutive backbreakers and Sting is toast. Meng locks in a Indian Deathlock variation. Meng releases and stomps Sting around. Brain suggests that Tony should retire and become a tour guide since he keeps complimenting the scenery. Tony: “If I didn’t have to work with you, I might take a job with them. How does that sound?” Brain: “If I knew I could get rid of you and get you a good job, I’d help.” Meng, meanwhile, goes to a harrowing ab stretch as Tony refers to the ab muscles as the “gluteus.” We stay on this resthold and instead get a more interesting shot of the Colonel sweating. Even Meng is tapping out on his own resthold at this point.

• They try something interesting with a hope spot for Sting as he sunset flips Meng for a 2 count. Meng comes back with one of his own but Sting blocks and splashes down on Meng. Meng doesn’t avoid and blows the spot but Sting sells anyway. Double KO spot. Both get to their knees at 8 so Meng headbutts Sting back down and applies a kind of Boston Crab. Meng’s blown up so he releases to pose. He whiffs on an elbow drop but no sells, so Sting suplexes him back down. Sting fires up and he’s a house of clotheslines. He backdrops Meng down and clips the knee. Thesz press gets 1, 2, 2 ½. Sting tries another but Meng catches him so Sting goes to the slow rana. 1, 2, no. Sting avoids a blind charge with up and over crossbody. 1, 2, kickout. Sting tries the Stinger Splash but Meng gets the BOOT OF FEAR TO COUNTER! UNBELIEVEABLE! Crowd popped like hell for that. Cover gets 1, 2, foot on the ropes. Meng lands a splash off the second rope for 1, 2, 2.99. Meng and Parker argue with the ref. Sting ducks another Boot of Fear for the shitty roll up for 1, 2, 3 to retain at 15:30.

• Interesting for the first few minutes mostly because of the character clash on display. Sting’s the ultimate babyface who never backs down and Meng is a force of parts unknown nature, so neither wanting to give an inch makes sense. The problem is that it goes on for about 10 solid minutes of rope breaks and haymakers that go nowhere. Meng’s heat was boring restholds and suddenly they’re 15 minutes in and it’s hot out, so might as well take it home. I appreciate Sting’s selling and the effort to protect Meng’s gimmick at least. **3/4

• BUT WAIT! Post-match, Meng waffles Sting from behind. He puts the boots to him and that brings out Road Warrior Hawk to Sting’s defense.

• Meanwhile, Gene is with Jimmy Hart and TV Champ, The Renegade. Jimmy puts over Renegade and all his magazine covers. Renegade snorts and snarls his way through 15 seconds of T. O. S. – TERMINATE ON SIGHT! TAKE IT AWAY, TONY!

WCW World Television Championship: Paul Orndorff vs. The Renegade (c). Tony puts over how Renegade got an upset win over Arn last PPV for the TV strap. Brain has other theories. Brain: “I suggest this guy stop hanging around Juan Valdez and lay off the coffee a little bit. This guy is wired like a cheap watch.”

• At the bell, Brain continues critiquing Renegade’s “lucky run” over the likes of Arn and Stunnin’ Steve Austin. Orndorff goes to the breadbasket and pulls him down by the hair. Kneedrop and an elbow to the inner thigh and Orndorff spits on the front row. Nice. Jimmy Hart distracts Mr. Wonderful and that allows Renegade to get the boot up on a splash. Renegade blows through Orndorff with a few lefty LARIATOs and shitcans him out as the crowd chants for Mr. Wonderful. Orndorff: “SHUT YOUR MOUTH!” Back in, Renegade can’t quite get Orndorff over the ropes by pulling him by the hair so they repeat the spot just so Renegade can drop him down face-first. That was less than graceful. Renegade goes to a side headlock before Orndorff tries to send him off but Renegade holds on. SHADES OF BRET HART! This time Orndorff gets him off only to eat a shoulderblock and a shitty dropkick. Tony: “Tried a dropkick, but…. actually just got him in the gut.” Brain: “Well, he got it good enough to knock him outside the ring.” BUT WAIT! ORNDORFF’S GOT A HANDFUL OF SAND! MY GOD, THIS MAN HAS 20/20 VISION! SOMEONE STOP THE MATCH!

• Instead, Orndorff blinds him and lands a back suplex. Orndorff lands an awkward punch/clothesline and torques the neck as Tony calls Renegade a “runaway success.” Orndorff throws him into the turnbuckle and lands a dropkick of his own which Tony wants to put over after Renegade’s Watts special earlier. Tony: “THAT WAS A GOOD ONE, FANS! THAT WAS RIGHT ON TARGET, RIGHT IN THE FACE!” Orndorff gloats and gets another WONDERFUL taunt. He wants the Piledriver but Renegade backdrops out to mild boos and lands two of the worst dropkicks ever that look more like sentons than dropkicks but who cares. Renegade powerslams him to mild jeers but mostly silence. Orndorff wants a timeout but then dumps out Renegade to a pop. Orndorff pulls him back in with a handful of hair but Renegade slides behind for a back suplex. Cover gets 1, 2, shoulder up, 3(?) to win it at 6:13.

• Finish comes almost completely out of nowhere. They had a decent contest going even if the crowd completely turned on Renegade and probably had way before this match. Other than the dropkick and dropping Orndorff face-first, Renegade looked OK but still that isn’t saying much for 6 minutes and winning with a transition move. *3/4

• Post-match, Orndorff, Brain, and even Tony are arguing the count. You know it’s bad when the entire announce crew says you didn’t deserve a win. Orndorff says the hell with it and trashes Renegade after the match and lays him out with a Piledriver to the loudest pop of the show thus far. In honor of Hawk’s appearance just a few minutes ago though, Renegade no sells to NOTHING and splashes Orndorff out of the ring. Penzer announces Renegade the winner and they play his music and a pop coincides with this, but only because Orndorff is posing to the hard camera’s front row. High comedy.

• Taskmaster is with his father, The Master aka Curtis Iaukea at Mount Doom. Sullivan: “I HAVE DRANK FROM THE GOBLET OF DARKNESS AND NOW I FEEL YOUR POWER!” They yell about an eternal fight between light and dark and introduce a new warrior who has “CROSSED THE BURNING SANDS OF THE SAHARA DESERT! A WARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR-AYA! WHO HAS SLAIN THE BEASTS… ON THE STONES… OF MOUNT KILMANAJARO! FROM THE DEEPPPPPPPPPPPEST! DARRRRRRRRRKKKKEST! HEART OF THE AFRICAN CONTINENT! … THE UGANDAN GIANT KAMALA!” Awesomely, Kamala gets pyro even on Mt. Doom. This shit is crazy.

• Meanwhile, Hacksaw Jim Duggan is with Geno on the beach. He throws the 2×4 at Schemin’ Gene and yells that he’s tired of Nick Bockwinkle breathing down his neck. Well, now it’s no more Mr. Nice Guy. He’s coming out swinging the lumber. Do you know who his manager is? Do you know who his manager is, GENE?! DO YOU KNOW WHO HIS MANAGER IS, GENE?! IT’S THE TASKMASTER! Hacksaw is tougher and will prevail. HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Kamala vs. Hacksaw Jim Duggan. Kamala is in full warpaint mask and gets distracted on the way to the ring and starts into the crowd, but Taskmaster stops him and shows him the way. That’s a nice touch that Abdullah used to do a lot, though I’m sure there were several others who did the same. Duggan drapes himself in the red, white, and blue for the usual while Brain and Tony speculate about who or what the coming member of DOD, Zodiac, will be. Answer is of course Booty Man Beefcake.

• Duggan threatens the 2×4 waffle so Kamala ducks under the ropes and Nick Patrick holds off Duggan. Hacksaw starts the USA chant and a clap for himself. Brain: “If I was Duggan, I’d have dug myself a big hole in the sand and put all on the sand on top of me.” They lockup and go to the slug it out sequence either. Hacksaw gets the best of it with a big winding haymaker but Kamala won’t go down. Duggan tries a couple more heads of steam and Kamala is reeling but still up like it’s 1985. Tony: “WHAT BALANCE!” Duggan finally takes him down with a shot to the breadbasket. USAUSAUSA! Kamala recovers and offers Duggan a hug. Duggan checks with Taskmaster to see if it’s legit but Kamala goes to the eyes and karate chops him down. Kamala then busts out a HARLEM SIDEKICK! MY GOODNESS! Kamala goes to the choke. Duggan tries a scoop slam but Kamala is too big. Brain: “LOOK AT THE HOOVES ON THIS MAN! HE’S GOT EIGHT OR NINE TOES ON ONE FOOT!”

• Kamala goes to the throat again as they two-step over to the ropes for an Irish whip. Kamala takes over with the dreaded BEARHUG! Duggan leads through a slow dance and tries some Mongolian chops and a headbutt but Kamala no sells and torques it back. Brain is bored and changes tacts: “Hogan right now is thinking about Vader.” Thanks for that. Duggan moves Kamala into the corner and stomps his feet. He goes for a Stinger Splash but wipes out and eats turnbuckle. Kamala smacks his belly which Brain calls “ringing the dinner bell.” Tony drifts into talking about a huge human being who stared down Hogan today while he received his Harley. That man would be The Giant aka Big Show in his debut. ANYWAY, Duggan escapes out again by biting Kamala and punches him down in the corner. Hogan-line and Duggan scoops him up for a slam. He calls for the 3-point stance and blows through Kamala. Sullivan tries to distract and Duggan Stinger Splashes on both Sullivan and Nick Patrick which Nick completely no sells. BUT WAIT! ZODIAC HAS COME OUT! He waffles Duggan with Kamala’s head dress and Kamala covers for 1, 2, 3 to take it at 6:10.

• Slow as dirt and straight out of another decade with both guys staying in their 80s wheelhouse. I’ll just add that Duggan and the like were always over with the freeloader crowds at outdoor shows like Bash, Road Wild, etc. but so is the RnR at every indie show in American with less than 100 fans, but that doesn’t mean they should be on a major PPV or in a program. *

• Next up is a commercial for Collision in Korea. That’s NORTH Korea for those of us keeping tabs. Flair has a write-up on the whole trip in his book. Tony more or less takes credit for WCW opening the door to North Korea signing a nuclear arms treaty with the US.

• Meanwhile, Geno is busy with the Mach to hype up his lumberjack lifeguard match with Flair later tonight. SLIM JIM’S BASH AT THE BEACH! OH YEAH! THERE’S A CHIIL IN THE ARM AND WE’RE ON THE BEACH, WHAT’S UP WITH THAT?! OPPOSITES DO ATTRACT! He and Flair had the chemistry to agree to disagree because Flair is the styler and the profiler, but he won’t be doing any of those tonight. Mach says it’s all about EMOTION! FAMILY! AND SURVIVAL! WE’RE ON THE BEACCCCCCH! THE MACH IS GONNA GET THE NATURE BOY!

Diamond Dallas Page vs. Dave Sullivan. Before DDP won millions in the lotto, he hustled guys in arm wrestling for a date with Diamond Doll Kimbo. That was, until he ran into EVAD. EVAD was a Eugene-like dyslexic brother of Taskmaster. DDP got hurt and weaseled out of Over the Top II: This Time It’s Personal for the time being. EVAD was taken out by Flair and while he was nursing back to health in his Hogan-decorated bedroom, Kimberly dropped in and gave him a pet rabbit, Ralph. While DDP wined and dined himself, EVAD recovered and courted Kimberly with greeting cards and stuffed animals. This all culminated with EVAD beating DDP in an arm wrestling contest. While EVAD was on his date with Kimberly, DDP pulled a little Fatal Attraction and cooked Ralph the Rabbit into some rabbit stew which sent EVAD over the edge. No, I’m not making any of this up.

• Pre-match, a Hulkamanic kid delivers some roses to Kimberly in EVAD’s stead. EVAD comes storming out to use the roses as a distraction and waffle DDP from behind. Tony: “I HOPE DDP LIKES HIS ROSES STEW!” EVAD chokes and then suplexes Page back in. EVAD fires up to crickets so DDP takes over and sends him into the turnbuckle. EVAD no sells to duck under for an atomic drop and a clothesline. Shoulderblock and Sullivan follows up with a snap suplex. He fires up again and calls for the “inverted bearhug” according to Tony. EVAD blows a kiss to Kimberly so DDP takes over again and chokes in the corner. Page hits the corner clothesline and wants a Perfect 10 but nothing from Kimberly. Page runs into the BEARHUG! STOP THE MATCH! BUT WAIT! DDP elbows free but whiffs on a splash in the corner and crotches himself on the top rope. The crowd is more interested in a hottie flashing out of camera-view. EVAD boogies and woogies and stomps DDP’s hand. He smashes him into the turnbuckle and then pokes him in the eye. ONE MORE CLOTHESLINE! OH MY, TONY! Brain: “He’s defending the honor of the woman he’s not dating. Figure that out.” EVAD gets him up for the bearhug but he releases once Maxx Muscle distracts. Diamond Cutter finishes EVAD at 4:24. Video package was as long as the match and at least had some production value and unintentional comedy. ¼*

• Gene dials up the Nasties about their upcoming title match. Knobbs yells about how anyone can tag anyone. Gene upstages them by pointing out that Harlem Heat may be out back taking a dump and The Nasties could beat the Blue bloods and wind up champs. Thanks for that, Gene. Sags wants to know if anyone feels like they do. They’re taking us to Nastyville for a nasty sensation. Gene wants the scoop to know if they have conspired with the Blue Bloods to gang up on HH. Knobbs: “NOBODY REALLY KNOWS!” Moving on.

• Next up are HH.

Gene: “Stevie Ray, you were standing on my foot.”

• Final hype for this match is a Blue Bloods vignette where they visit such Hollywood must-sees as the street corner where Hugh Grant got a prostitute (Bobby Eaton wants to know if he can borrow a 20, by the way), the night club where River Phoenix OD’ed, and Nicole Simpson’s old house.

Triangle Match for the WCW World Tag Team Championship: The Nasty Boys vs. The Blue Bloods vs. Harlem Heat (c). Nasties won the belts back at Slamboree despite being attacked by the Blue Bloods earlier that night. A month or so later, The Nasties would drop them back to HH after, you guessed it, a jump attack from the Blue Bloods. The package declares this as the first EVER time in WCW history that a champ could lose the belts without being involved in the pinfall. Nick Patrick organizes a coin toss to see who goes first as the crowd is solidly behind HH. The Nasties call their own number and the crowd chants for them too. Book calls an audible and reminds everyone they’re working heel to set them straight. Book: “ALL YOU HILLBILLIES, SHUT UP!” BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Stevie: “HEY, WATCH YOURSELF, PUNK!”

• A big brawl erupts with everyone as The Nasties clear the ring and call for the Pit Stop. Regal is the victim much to everyone’s delight. Brain: “The Nasties are great to have at a picnic… They keep the flies off the food.” Another Pit Stop for Eaton and he bails out too. NASTYNASTYNASTYNASTY! Finally, we get things started with Knobbs and Booker T. Book gets the boot up in the corner and chokes while yelling at the fans the whole time. He runs into an ARMPIT LARIATO! Regal sneaks in with a blind tag and he goes to work on Book. Book trips him and sets him up for a superkick. Stevie Ray in for a spinkick and a haymaker. Eaton tags in but eats a backdrop from Stevie. Eaton takes a breather only for Sherri to waffle him down. Back in, Eaton gives Stevie a thumb to the eye. Sags now with a blind tag and blasts Stevie from behind to save Eaton. The Nasties double team in the corner. Tony: “A move named Clubbering by the American Dream, Dusty Rhodes.” Brain: “If you ate two bales of hay-a-day, you’d talk like that too.” Knobbs goes low with the Bret Hart Low Blow and tags in Sags. Brain: “That’s the first time that idiot has used his head.” They want the banana split but Stevie Ray isn’t in the mood and closes his legs early to sell. Sags goes low too and tags in Regal. Stevie no sells to choke away and bring in Book. Eaton tags himself in and helps Regal double team Book. Eaton lands a haymaker and now he tags in Knobbs. Book gets the boot up in the corner and then scissors his way over the top but slips and eats it to the floor to the biggest pop of the match which ought to tell you something about how good this is. Regal waffles Book to cover and slides him back in.

• Another Nasty LARIATO for 1, 2, Stevie Ray breaks it up. Double Nasty shoulderblock on Book. Regal back in and he PIMP SMACKS BOOKER T! He drops a knee and lands a Euro uppercut. He tags in Sags who doesn’t much like the stink eye Regal gave him so he waffles him. Book fights back in the confusion with a dropkick. Stevie Ray back in as Sags no sells his back elbow to run a lap around the ring and then wake up to slug it out. That was… odd. Tag to Eaton and he goes to the palm thrusts on Stevie. Regal back in for nothing so he tags in Knobbs. Back elbow and a splash get nothing as it’s immediately broken up. Book tags in for the Harlem Sidekick on Knobbs for 1, 2, kickout. Regal back in with Knobbs as nobody can decide if they want to tag their own partner or someone else and it’s giving us no story at all other than plodding chaos. Bloods work over Knobbs as the crowd chants for NASTYNASTYNASTY. Eaton comes off the top with a kneedrop for 1, 2, no. Regal SWAT team rolls over to the HH corner and tags in Stevie Ray as Brain keeps forgetting that you can tag anyone and win the belts. Book wants the Ax Kick but Regal interrupts with a tag. Book: “MAAAAAAAAANNN! WHAT’S UP WITH THIS, MAN!?” Knobbs lays out Regal but Regal goes back to the gut to take over. Regal tries a sunset flip but Knobbs sits on him to counter. Sags in as he blows through the Bloods and waffles HH as well. The Nasties ignore the rules and gimmick and story to clear the ring again. They set up double backdrops on Regal and Book and cover both for 1, 2, 3(?!?!) to win it at 13:31.

• What the FUCK was that? I’m a card-carrying member of the fan club for these types of bruising, brawling, clubbing triangle tag matches that fascinated WCW for about three years with any combination of Faces of Fear, Nasties, Harlem Heat, Public Enemy, Outsiders, Horsemen, etc. but this just plain didn’t work. It never got beyond confusing into logical chaos. At times, these gel perfectly with each team articulating their own individual story and making moves and tags that make sense from their perspective, but this was just flat as hell. They hadn’t yet worked out the kinks and the finish was awful too. **

• Post-match, The Nasties celebrate but the ring announcer says HH are still champs because Stevie was on top of Regal in the pile-on at the end. Geno gets the scoop with HH and Sherri. He mutters the word “fortunate” and promptly gets harangued by Sherri, Stevie, and Book. They put over their recent victory as not luck but as BEATING TWO FAT PUNKS AND FAUX-CALLED FOREIGNERS! Gene brings up Dirty Dick and Bunkhouse Buck and again gets shouted down.

• Meanwhile, Brain is wondering how sweaty Hogan’s palms are.

• Brain and Tony can’t agree on why Macho and Flair are having a Lifeguard match.

• Tony: “If you’ll recall fans, at the Great American Bash in Dayton, Ohio, last month, Flair continued to go to the outside, stalling, trying to get away from the Macho Man Randy Savage.”
Brain: “Well, so did Savage.”
Tony: “He did not.”
Brain: “He did too.”
Tony: “He did not.”
Brain: “He did too.”
Tony: “DID NOT!”
Brain: “DID TOO!”
Tony: “You want to sit here and argue all day.”
Brain: “If you want to.”
Tony: “Well, I don’t want to.”
Brain: “Admit that you’re wrong.”
Tony: “You’re wrong.”
Brain: “Well, you’re wrong.”
Tony: “Forget it.”
Brain: “Nevermind.”
Tony: “Nevertheless…”
Brain: [Gestures with his hands so that Tony can’t read his lips] “I’m right, not him.”

• In the back, Geno has The NATCHAAAAAAA BOY! The Mean One says that Flair has attacked Macho every single way possible. Flair wants to go back in time to when Liz saw him and just like the Baywatch Girls, she had to have it. Liz went to Space Mountain and moved on to bigger and better things from Macho. Macho needs to remember three things 1. Flair swept Liz off her feet in her finest hour. 2. Flair JACK-slapped Macho’s old man. 3. There is only one styler ‘n’ profiler that has kissed ALL THE GIRLS AND MADE THEM CRY! THAT’S THE NATTTTTTTCHA BOY! Gene: “You ought to get a 900 number.”

• Brain stands on his chair to get a better visual of the entering Baywatch girls. Brain: “You never know when you’ll need a lifeguard. Can you imagine that? Mouth-to-mouth restitution?”

Lifeguard Match: Ric Flair vs. Macho Man Randy Savage. This is a lumberjack match just with lifeguards. The lumerjacks consister of Badd, Harlem Heat, Dave Sullivan, Dirty Dick, Bunkhouse Buck, DDP, and among others, Arn Anderson. On his way to the ring, Macho throws free Slim Jims to everyone. Buffer: “FORMER, TWO-TIME WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION AND NATIONAL SPOKESPERSON FOR SLIM JIM!”

• WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Flair shoves Macho so Macho easily shoves him down. Macho with a shoulderblock and some early GnP. Corner clothesline and Flair feeds out for a backdrop. Clotheslines from Macho and Flair goes to the floor. The lifeguards help Flair back to the apron where Macho chokes him. Macho mounts in the corner for only 3 as Flair counters to an atomic drop. Flair goes to the chops and he shitcans Macho out. The Nasties and HH start brawling before they can even help Macho in. Back in, Macho knocks down Flair with a back elbow and sends him into the turnbuckle. They slug it out in the corner with chops and punches but Macho takes over with an elbow. Flair begs off to nothing as Macho swarms him. Flair Flip to the corner and the Nasties toss him back in. Flair dumps out Macho all the way to the beach. Brain: “NOW, BURY HIM IN THE SAND! Arn could take some sand and shove it down Savage’s throat.” Flair suplexes him back in but Macho blocks and dumps Flair to the floor with a suplex instead while Brain and Tony argue about the over the top DQ rule. Macho backdrops Flair. Flair: “MACHOOOOO, NOOOOOOOOOOOO!” Flair takes over with a BLATANTTHUMBTOTHEEYE! Flair with a back elbow and it’s strutting time. Flair locks in the Sleeper while Brain recasts Thunder in Paradise with himself as the lead. Tony: “THIS COULD BE THE END OF THE MATCH!” Brain: “When’s the last time you saw Flair use a Sleeper in a match? HE’S PULLING OUT ALL THE STOPS!”

• Macho escapes for shoulderblocks but lands right back in the Sleeper. Macho jumps down and Flair eats turnbuckle and Flops down. Flair goes to the chops but Brain advises working on the legs. Flair shitcans Macho out to the sand and the heels can barely agree to help him up. Back in, Flair heads up top and JUMPS OFF! LORD HAVE MERCY! Flair actually lands on Macho’s head to counter so it doesn’t count, dammit. Macho sends Flair over again but a ½ Flair Flip. Macho now locks in a Sleeper but Flair counters with a knee drop. Flair heads up top and flips over on Macho’s leg in a cool spot. Macho tries to fire up in the corner out of the chops and he sends Flair into the turnbuckle. Flair gets the boot up in the corner to come back. Brain: “Macho, now him and his father are parrots. They each have one bad leg and one good leg. They can hang around together and share the same stick.” ANYWAY, Figure Four time as Angelo Poffo looks on from the floor. Macho rolls over the F4 but Flair quickly escapes. Flair hits a hanging vertical suplex. Delayed cover gets 1, 2, 2 ½. Macho fights back to crickets but he counters an atomic drop and the crowd comes alive. Another shot and Flair falls over the top rope. Flair tries to run to the back and the lifeguards bring him back. Anonymous Lifeguard: “YOU LITTLE WORM!” Back in, Flair takes a backdrop and Macho heads up for the MACHO KING HAMMER! BUT WAIT! ARN ANDERSON HAS COME IN! Macho cleans his clock but Flair goes to the eyes. Flair gets dumped out again into the waiting arms of the Nasties. Arn sneaks Macho with a DDT! Back in, Flair drapes the arm for 1, 2, 2.999999999999999999999. MACHOMACHOMACHOMACHO! Macho blocks a biel for a backslide for 1, 2, 2.99. Flair takes back over with a back elbow. WOOOOOOOO! Flair heads up but is slammed off by Macho. SAVAGE HAMMER! Slam and Macho wants the Elbow. Macho Elbow gets 1, 2, 3 to end it clean at 13:56.

• Pretty generic minus the usual extracurricular activities that juice up the proceedings and allow Flair to be Flair because of the lifeguards. The crowd was pretty dead for all of it too. Other than the sleeper call-back and a few entertaining Flair cutoffs, this is kinda boring. Still, you’ve got Flair and Macho being Flair and Macho for about 15 minutes. **3/4

• We get the 15,000th helicopter shot of the “capacity crowd” according to Tony on a beach.

• Next up is a pretty awesome vignette covering Vader’s Roadkill Tour on his quest to beat Hogan in a cage match at BATB. Vader is talking about his reign of destruction over Evansville, Indiana and Memphis, Tennessee while standing behind a cage-link fence against a smoky, shadowy backdrop, though someone obviously went a little too heavy on the fog machine.


• Tony and Brain talk over the main event and Brain thinks they’ll need a chalk outline to see how Hulkamania really ended tonight.

• Tony: “Do you ever listen to yourself sometimes? You’re a babbling idiot.”
Brain: “Well, you are a MORON.”
Tony: “Yeah?”
Brain: “YEAH!”

• Mean Gene is now visited by Hogan, Rodman, and Jimmy Hart. Gene says the last time that he saw Rodman was at the airport in Detroit. Rodman: “That’s the last time you’ll ever see me in the airport in Detroit.” GET IT?! Even though he’s signed with the Spurs, Rodman’s going to drive to Detroit from San Antonio rather than fly into their shitty airport… or something. TAKE THAT, DETROITOPIA! Hogan says him and Rodman rode motorcycles all night long through California looking for a biker brawl, but they heard Vader’s big mouth yapping about how he’s from the inner city. THAT’S A BUNCH OF [HOCKING SPIT SOUND], BROTHER! TAKE IT EASY, BIG MAN! Hogan says there are HUNDREDS OF THOUSANDS of Hulkamaniacs out there, brother! He’s got the Baywatch girls to distract Vader, he’s got the cage plowed into the sand, and he’s got the Great White Sharks out in the ocean for when he PRESSES VADER ABOVE HIS HEAD, BROTHER, AND LAUNCHES HIM OVER THE CAGE! THE SHARKS WILL RIP AND TEAR HIM LIMB FROM LIMB! TELL ‘EM, ROD THE BOD! Rodman: “VADER! ANYONE GETS NEAR GAT GAGE! YOUR HEAD IS BASHED, BIG MAN, BASSED!” GOOD JOB, BROTHER! ROD THE BOD WILL TAKE THEIR FACE AND GIVE THEM A FLORY DORY ALL AGAINST THE CAGE IF YOU KNOW WHAT I’M SAYING BROTHER!(?!) WITH THE LARGEST ARMS IN THE WORLD PUMPED AND ALL THE NEW VEINS POPPING OUT OF HOGAN’S TRIS, WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO WHEN THE POWER OF HULKAMANIA DESTROYS YOU?!

Steel Cage Match for the WCW World Heavyweight Championship: Big Van Vader vs. Hulk Hogan (c). These two put on quite the shitfest back at Uncensored when FLAIR of all people lost their strap match, so my hopes aren’t high at all. Vader comes out in full Fallout 3 gear.

• Hogan climbs over the top of the cage and chokes Vader around with his shirt to start with the usual. Hogan trashes him into the cage softly a few times but at least Vader takes it head-first. Hogan now starts choking Vader with his do-rag like it’s an ether-soaked rag. Hogan mounts in the corner for the 10 punches and then climbs all the way up for 10 stomps using the top of the cage. Hogan with an IRISH HAMMER and a few rights to keep going. Hogan with another sledge and some chops but Vader still won’t go down. Vader blocks a cage shot but so does Hogan only for Hogan to GO TO THE THROAT WITH A KARATE CHOP! MOVESET! They slug it out and Vader keeps gouging the eye to heel it up. Vader cuts him off and finally Hogan takes a cage shot. Vader works him over with stiff rights and headbutts in the corner. We get a close up of Rodman for reasons that escape me as Vader works over Hogan more. Brain opines that Rodman’s Hogan do-rag may be his new hairstyle. Hogan blocks a shot and sends Vader into the Darth Vader helmet to a decent reaction and a cool sound effect. Hogan steals Vader’s gimmick and puts on the suit and then gingerly headbutts Vader twice. Brain: “What’s that thing made of? Steel?”

• Hogan chokes for a bit and goes back to rights. Vader takes over with a Ho Train while the boys try to get back on track being up Vader’s Roadkill Tour and how he’s crippled men across the country. Brain: “HE’S DONE A NUMBER ON THE POPULATION OF THIS WORLD!” Vader hits the VaderBomb and the ring thunders awesomely. Vader hits one more for 1, 2, go fuck yourself. Surprisingly, Vader gets him back up and Hogan eats another cage shot. Vader with more crossfaces. Vader: “CHUMP!” Vader drops Hogan with a suplex and then goes to win by escape. Hogan blocks and takes over with cage shitcans. Vader blocks a slam for a tender knee to Hogan’s jaw. Vader plays to the crowd and heads up top. He wants the senton but Hogan moves and Vader wipes out in a hellacious bump. Hogan: “C’MON VADER!, YOU AINT NOTHING, MAN!” Hogan with more throat chops and eye gouges. Tony: “NO ONE SHOULD BE SURPRISED HOGAN IS STANDING!” Hogan tries a slam but his back gives out and Vader falls on top for 1, 2, kickout. Tony has an aneurysm selling it as a nearfall. Vader goes to the anchorhold. HOGANHOGANHOGANHOGAN!

• Hogan gouges his way free and then ghosts Vader with a Hogan-line. Hogan calls for the press slam and the Huntington Beach Bad Boys are buying. Hogan slams Vader to a mild reaction because a scoop slam =/= press slam, JACK! Hogan sells his back again and Vader goes back to work. Brain: “He hit him so hard I think he knocked his mustache off.” Tony: “Oh?… Hmm, I don’t think so.” Vader hits a Frog Splash for 1, only 1. Hogan Port Tampas up and no sells Vader’s stuff. Hogan ignores a cage shot and a second one. He takes over trashing Vader into the cage several times. Weak FOOT TO THE FACE! Next time, the boot goes to the gut. BUT WAIT! TASKMASTER AND ZODIAC HAVE COME OUT! Rodman scares them off with a chair. Hogan hits the Leg Drop. The crowd doesn’t give a shit so Hogan STILL plays to the crowd trying to milk his way into sympathy pops. Hogan’s all I GOT A FEVER AND THE ONLY PRESCRIPTION IS MORE LEG DROPS UNTIL YOU POP! He poses for a bit and hits another Leg Drop. Rather than cover, Hogan starts to climb over but Vader chases him down. Hogan waffles him to crotch him and Hogan escapes to win it at 13:12.

• Post-match, Tony signs off for the entire crew and thanks them for a good broadcast but Flair comes running out to confront Vader. Flair: “WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED?!” Flair wanted the powerbomb and says so. Vader goozles him and that brings out Arn who distracts long enough for Flair to escape. Vader confronts them and cuts another promo telling anyone to bring it on.
• Not the usual Hogan travesty from 1995 but still an uninspired sleepwalking. Then again, how hard is it to screw up a cage match if you’re even moderately competent? One guy works another over on the cage, before the other takes over for some payback. Wash, rinse, repeat for 15-20 minutes. Vader was his usual intense self clubbering Hogan with stiff shots through the entire match. But Hogan is just generally lazy and shits on Vader’s finish by kicking out after 2 of them and cheats the whole way like a good heel/bad face should, especially when it wasn’t retribution seeing as Vader hadn’t done anything dastardly in the match up to that point. This would be Vader’s final PPV hurrah before riding off into the California sunset for WWF. *1/2

• In case you enjoy WCW 1995, here’s a few more shows.

WCW Uncensored 1995

WCW Halloween Havoc 1995

WCW World War III 1995

The 411: Probably one of the most boring, uneventful PPVs ever held. Nothing is unbearable but nothing is any good either with even Macho and Flair barely approaching ***. It's not even close to the shitty depths of Uncensored or Halloween Havoc from the same year, but it is just a steady stream of bland mediocrity all the way through.
Final Score:  4.5   [ Poor ]  legend

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Jack Bramma

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