Rolling Germans NWA TNA 9.25.02

Scott elected to review Great American Bash 1995 and that left no Smarks representation for this show. It’s remarkably still on Canadian PPV (I doubt that’s going to last, though I’m sure it’s doing better than Fanatix was) so I tape it every week. I seem to be the only person on the net that really enjoyed last week’s show and while I won’t review it now that Scott’s already taken a stab at it, I would recommend seeking it out if you can get it really cheap or thrown on the end of the comp (you’re really just after Styles vs Kash, which was between *** and ***1/2 by my count). With that all said and done, let’s get on with this show.

This review is brought to you by Lays Ketchup chips because that was the only bag left from the snacks Mark brought for Unforgiven.

WE’RE NOT LIVE BECAUSE I’M WATCHING THE REPLAY!

We go backstage where Jerry Lynn and The Siaki are fighting in the back. Everyone gets their licks in until security shows up only to get their asses handed to them. Eventually Big Don Harris makes the save, thus making his guys look like complete pussies.

DON WEST IS WEARING A GOLD SHIRT AND A GOLD TIE! DEAR GOD!

THE AMAZING RED vs SONNY SIAKI
You know I may have heard wrong but I could have sworn Borash announced Siaki at 245lbs, which would make him WAAAAAY over the weight limit in the X-Divison. Red looks about fourteen years old here so he’s moving up in the world. Red attacks before the bell with a nice Springboard Somersault Plancha and follows up with The Red Star Press (running SSP from the apron to the floor). You know that’d be impressive if Kidman wasn’t doing it back in 1997. Anyway, The Siaki goes on the attack with a Flapjack for 2 and Ѕ. A BIG TIME lariat leads to a slow cover and 2 and Ѕ. The Siaki misses a shoulderblock, leading to an AWESOME Tilt A Whirl Reverse DDT by Red. We end up outside and Red takes an ass kicking. “ROCKY! ROCKY! ROCKY!” Well I’ll be damned, this might actually get over. Now they just have to work it so they chant for him rather than for The Rock. Back in the ring and The Siaki hits an Overhead Belly to Belly for 2 and ѕ. Superkick gets 2 and ѕ. A telegraphed Backdrop leads to that wacked out Sunset Flip Rey Rey pulled out on Knoble a couple of weeks back (does that move have a Mexican name I’m not aware of?) for 2 and ѕ. Tornado DDT gets 2 and ѕ. Corkscrew Enzugiri gets 2 and ѕ. Red looks for a Senton Bodyblock but that misses and The Siaki puts it away with The Money Clip (Roll The Dice). Jesus, how many people use that name for their finisher? This had some nice spots but was stallerific at times as The Siaki spent a lot of time working the crowd instead of working the match. Red is starting to wear thin on me. There’s only so long before you could care less about flashy moves if he can’t put a good match together. *1/2

Jorge Estrada comes out to the ramp and demands Siaki return the Elvis suit. OOOHHH… way to take away his dignity you FUCKING IDIOT!

Backstage MOTHERFUCKING RON KILLINGS BEATS THE SHIT OUT OF RED! YES! There’s a Lynn vs Killings Lumberjack Match tonight so he’s going to smoke out the X-Division Lumberjacks. Killings is YOUR genius of the night.

BRIAN LEE/RON HARRIS vs JAMES STORM/CHRIS HARRIS (NWA Tag Team Titles – Table Match)
This is under “through and you lose” rules as opposed to WWE’s “both guys have to go through” rules. DOA attack before the bell but the champs come back and hit a stacked Pescado. Back in the ring and Ron Harris shows his genius by looking for a pin after a Side Salto. Bra… vo. Brian Lee tags and Harris brings in a table. DOA beat Harris around the ring until Lee misses a Kneedrop and Storm gets the hot tag. The champs go RnR with the Double Dropkick on Ron Harris but get caught with a double clothesline from Lee. Lee looks for a Chokelslam from the apron through a table on the floor but the champs fight that off only to have Lee try a suplex from the apron to the floor but that’s fought off and then Chris Harris pummels off Storm and hits a flying forearm sending Lee off the apron through a table for the title retention. This was pretty bad formulaic tag wrestling outside of the neat ending. This is not the way you want to showcase the talents of your champions. DOA are well and good in Battle Royales and “house cleaners” but I’ll be damned if I want to see them in the title hunt. *

Ron Harris attacks after the bell and Powerbombs Chris Harris through the table (you’re just a liiiiiitle late there buddy). Security comes out and surprise surprise they take an ass kicking. Of course Big Don finally comes in and we get a standoff. You know this isn’t that bad a way to get Don over before he’s brought in but man… why not just call the rest of his guys the pussy patrol or something?

Earlier today Goldylocks interviewed Miss TNA. An old bag interrupts him and screams about him stealing her parking space. OH F OR GOD’S SAKE! WHY IS THIS SHIT ON MY TV!

MOTERFUCKING RON KILLINGS GETS MIC TIME! “You’re all prejudiced!” DAMN FUCKING RIGHT RON! “Where’s my merchandise?” DAMN FUCKING RIGHT ON! I’LL BUY ALL YOUR SHIT! “How come Shamrock got a private dressing room?” DAMN FUCKING RIGHT RON! SHAMROCK’S NOT EVEN GOOD ENOUGH TO SUCK YOUR COCK! Road Dogg interrupts but Ron is all “FUCK YOU FAT BOY! I CARRIED YOUR ASS!” “You’re my bitch!” DAMN FUCKING RIGHT RON! EVERYONE’S YOUR BITCH! Road Dogg eventually cries and starts cheating when it comes to blows so Killings takes a walk.

Backstage Goldylocks interviews Brian Lawler and his girlfriend. I can’t believe they’re going to run with this angle. Just shoot me now or at least stab me in the ears so I don’t have to hear Lawler speak. His girlfriend basically says he’s a domestic abuser. Don’t worry April, when you’re done with Brian, his dad will fuck your brains out.

AJ STYLES vs LOW KI (2/3 falls – X Division rank match)
This one has some interesting stipulations. The winner gets a title shot at the winner of Lynn vs Killings next week. The loser is automatically sent do the bottom of the X-Division rankings. Sadly I already know the outcome considering Ki is supposed to defend the Zero One Jr. Title in the next little while. Anyway, they play the ground game for a while until Ki attacks with chops. Irish whip is reversed into an Inverted Atomic Drop and Styles takes the time to mock Ki, only to eat a foot in the face. Styles is out and Ki hits a Somersault Bodyblock. Back in the ring and Ki fires off some stiff kicks but gets crotched. Styles pulls out a SWEET Backbreaker – Gutbuster combination I’ve never seen and someone in WWE needs to steal. CUE THE CHINLOCK! Finally Ki breaks loose and hits a Flying Forearm. Styles telegraphs a backdrop and takes another foot in the face, which leads to The Matrix and The Dragon Clutch for the submission and first fall.

Styles attacks to start and hits a suplex into a kneedrop for 2 and Ѕ. Enzugiri sends Ki out but he blocks a baseball slide and again kicks Styles right in the face. Ki looks for a Piggyback Dragon Clutch but Styles falls on the ramp. UGH! Back in the ring and Ki goes to work with a Dragon Clutch Tarantula (NICE!). He goes to the second rope but Styles stops that cold and looks for a Powerbomb only to have Ki reverse into a Rana only to have Styles roll through into a Sunset Flip for the victory. Short but sweet.

Outside we go and Ki looks for a Roundhouse but that’s blocked and Styles rams his leg into the railing. SICK! I LOVE IT! Back in the ring and Styles looks for something off the top but Ki practically gets a standing switch on the top and looks for a Top Rope Frankensteiner but that’s blocked and turned into a SUPER KNEEBREAKER! AWESOME! Styles goes to The Funk Spinning Toe Hold but that’s reversed into a Small Package for 2 and ѕ. Styles Clash is reversed into a Rana for 2 and ѕ. Ki looks for a Dragon Clutch but Styles gets in a low blow and a roll up with feet on the ropes but gets caught. Styles comes out of nowhere with The Styles Clash and that’s it.

UGH! What the hell was this? These guys have faced each other more than enough times and we get this abortion of a match? They didn’t seem to click at all. Styles spent EONS working the crowd and driving me insane (not in a good way). I hope Styles doesn’t think he can start to work lazy now that he’s this high up on the card because finding Indy talent on his level isn’t as tough as you’d think. Ki looked pretty good (as usual) but you just know he’s thinking “I’m going back to Japan soon” because he didn’t seem to bring his A Game either. I’m really disappointed in these two. **

Backstage Goldylocks tells Jarrett he’s a failure and he’ll never win the NWA Heavyweight Title. Good work Goldy.

BRIAN LAWLER/ELIX SKIPPER vs SCOTT HALL/SYXX PAC
Wait a second… wasn’t this supposed to be Lawler vs Waltman in a singles match? Skipper nearly shreds his knee to pieces trying to do his springboard backflip entrance and falls off the top. To say the first half sucked would be an engrossing understatement. Lawler spent FOOOOOOREVER stalling and making sure his girlfriend stood here or sat there or whatever. Fast Forward to 2/3 through the match as Skipper tags himself in after Lawler stalls for the millionth time. Hall plays face in peril as Skipper take it to him. He looks for a leg lariat but that’s reversed into a Backdrop Suplex and Syxx Pac gets the hot tag. Irish whip is reversed and Skipper looks for a Rana but that’s reversed into a NICE Sit Out Powerbomb. KICK WHAM X-FACTOR but Lawler saves at 2.999999! The match falls apart with Hall coming in and hitting his Blockbuster Suplex. Syxx looks for The Bronco Buster but that misses. Lawler gets tied up with Hall and Skipper looks for some kind of dive but Syxx reverses into a Mega X-Factor and that gets the victory. BOOOORING! Lawler deserves to be shot for the shit he put me through. *

Jarrett attacks after the match and The Clique has a stroke. What the hell? Why aren’t Jarrett and Lawler fighting? WHAT HAPPENED TO THE FEUD! FUCK THIS! HEY IT’S SECURITY! HEY THEY GOT THEIR ASSES KICKED! BIG DON! Wow, they managed to make this played out within an hour.

Goldylocks is backstage with Styles and you see why he’ll never get into the WWE as he’s the worst person on the mic I’ve ever heard. It’s going to be a ladder match for the X-Title next week. He takes the time to grope Goldy a bunch and this is beyond stupid. This woman is sooooo going to walk out on this fed at the earliest possible chance.

Miss TNA is out and he basically yells at the crowd. Did someone say three minutes? WELL? DID THEY? AWWWW FUCK, WHY DOESN’T IT WORK ON THIS SHOW?!

JORGE ESTRADA vs KID KASH
WHERE’S THE FUCK IS JIMMY YANG? GOD HOW I MISS JIMMY YANG! I think I’d stab Estrada with his Afro Pick if I had the chance. We get some flip flop to start. Kash is out and Estrada KILLS HIMSELF as he tries a Tope but he misses by a hair and SMACKS his head on the ramp. EEEWWW! See boys and girls, this is what happens when you suck this much. Kash is all “this is how you do it” and hits a nice Double Jump Somersault Plancha. Back in the ring where Estrada manages to gain the advantage with a hip toss and a running SSP (they’re really killing the value of that move). Estrada heads up but gets crotched and Kash hits a Top Rope Frankensteiner for 2 and ѕ. He charges but eats a boot and Estrada hits a Cross Corner Ropeflip Moonsault for 2 and ѕ. We end up in a chopfest until Kash goes to the eyes and hits a DDT for 2 and ѕ. He looks for a Rana but that’s countered into a HUGE Powerbomb followed up with The Taking Care Of Business (Springboard Senton) for the victory. Whoa, that was certainly out of nowhere. This was the most fun match so far but God was it every sloppy. Estrada is probably the worst wrestler in the fed. Kash continues to work his ass off and yet repeatedly does the job. I hope they push this guy soon because he’s not getting any younger and the novelty of watching him do Rana spots will wear off fast. *3/4

Estrada calls out The Siaki for the jumpsuit but we get a video feed of The Siaki throwing the jumpsuit into a barrel that just happens to be on fire. Uh… huh. Estrada looks like he’s about to kill himself over it. I’m hoping he does so.

Last week, The Siaki cost Lynn The NWA World Title

RON KILLINGS vs JERRY LYNN (X-Division Title Lumberjack Match)
It’s a pretty simple set up. Last week Lynn got his shot and was screwed out of it. This week Killings is all “FUCK THE X-DIVISION” and wants to win the title so he can bury the division. Lynn attacks with basic stuff but Killings comes back with a boot to the face. He heads up but Lynn cuts him off with a Second Rope Bulldog. Killings calls for time, which of course is a trap, as he kicks Lynn in the gut and hits a Flying Shoulderblock. Split Legged Face jam gets 2 and Ѕ. Lynn is out and Kash puts the boots to him. The rest of the guys scare him off but Killings punks out Red yet again. What’d this kid do to deserve two beatings in one night? Back in the ring and Killings hits a Muscle Buster for 2 and ѕ. Over the shoulder Powerslam gets 2 and ѕ. Killings looks for another slam but that’s reversed into a DDT. Double KO leads to Killings looking for a Rana only to have that reversed into a Sit Out Powerbomb (popular sequence tonight) for 2 and 9/10. Lynn looks for a German Suplex but Killings gets in a low blow. The X Guys throw a fit and Lynn throws Killings into a Low Ki forearm, leading to Lynn hitting a TKO for the victory. WHOA! Junior goes over pseudo heavy. EVERYONE REJOICE! This wasn’t too bad at all. Good stuff coming down the stretch and it’s nice to see the fed treating their junior division with some respect. **1/4

DON WEST YELLS A LOT! BUY OUR SHOW BECAUSE WE’RE SOOOOOO BROKE!

JEFF JARRETT vs BG JAMES
WHY ISN’T THIS SHOW OVER! WHY MUST I CRY? James goes on the attack with his usual Road Dogg offense. We head out where James hits the worst chair shots ever. Jarrett comes back with some chair shots of his own (when was this turned into no DQ?). We get a Sleeper Hold and I’m about to drop right here. James of course comes back with a Sleeper of his own but that’s reversed into a Backdrop Suplex. Double KO leads to James going for the ten punch salute only to have the ref try and pull him off (why?) and James hits him. Ref is out and Jarrett goes for a chair shot but James stops that and gets in one of his own for 2 and Ѕ. Skipper runs in but James smokes him out. A backdrop is reversed into a Jarrett Sunset Flip only to have that blocked into a cradle for 2 and ѕ. Now Lawler runs in and this is turning from “really bad” to “really worse.” Miscommunication leads to Jarrett hitting Lawler and James gets a Schoolboy for 2 and 9/10. The ref tries to get rid of the idiots and that gives Jarrett the chance to hit a FUCKING SICK CHAIRSHOT. He takes forever to cover though and we get 2.999999! Irish whip is reversed and James hits The Pumphandle Slam but the idiots return and it’s a DQ! WHAT THE FLYING FUCK! A FUCKING DQ ON THE PPV MAIN EVENT! WWE DOES IT SO NOW THESE FUCKING IDIOTS DO IT! GOD I HATE THIS SHOW!

DX v2.0 run in and clean out but MOTHERFUCKING RON KILLINGS smokes out everybody and the heels are left standing as we head out. I assume this is going to lead to a six man tag next week.

Final Analysis: This was a terrible show. Anyone that bitched about RAW should get on their knees and pray to McMahon for at least putting on something watchable rather than this tripe. Not even the once mighty X-Division could save this one. The stories have been thrown right out the window as everyone that was feuding with Jarrett is now his friend. The tag champs look like tag chumps. The two top juniors couldn’t even put together a *** match. Why are people paying for this? Everyone that isn’t getting this for free should stop paying for this garbage. When a dull RAW is outright smoking a product people are paying $10 for, you know you’ve got a problem.

Justin Baisden
Rolling Germans Wrestling