Rolling Germans Review: NWA TNA 8.28.02

Yes yes, I’m very much aware that the least time I wrote up a TNA review it was about oh… two months ago and I was all “I’m going to do these every single week.” Well obviously things didn’t pan out the way I had planned. TNA wasn’t on Canadian PPV for the longest time so I was depending on my cousin and his beautiful “Grey Dish” to hook up the free shows. Well that last about a week (that BASTARD still has the blanks I gave him too) and then it was “I forgot” or “I was out” or “I was fucking my girlfriend.” So with my only connection gone I had to wait it out and read The Workrate Report over at DVDVR until TomK died or something. Well FINALLY this shit is released up in Canada and I managed to tape this show and the 8/20 show. “Where’s the 8/20 show you idiot?” Um… it’s on an unlabeled tape and I well… um… can’t find it. OH SHUT UP!

I’d like to plug the ever living hell out of MarkingSmart over at Marking Smart Video for agreeing to hook me up with THE FUCKING ZERO ONE FIRE FESTIVAL! BOO YA GRANDMA! BOO YA! Play – stat – ion. Go buy stuff from him, he’s got lots of tapes and the VQ is up to snuff unless he says otherwise.

MORE GOODNESS! This review is brought to you by TOSTITOS SCOOPS! I KNEW I WASN’T CRAZY! I KNEW THESE THINGS WERE REAL! I could have sworn I saw them six months ago. I go tell my best buddy Ryan and we go back to the grocery store only to find them all gone. Of course Ryan thinks it’s just sad that I’d lie about something as trivial as Tostitos and I couldn’t convince him that I wasn’t making it up. Well fuck if these things didn’t show up in my store last week. GET JALAPENO CHEDDAR DIP WITH THEM! OH… MY… GOD!

WE ARE LIVE FROM SOME SHITHOLE WITH THE WORST ACOUSTICS EVER!

DON WEST SUCKS WORSE THAN LAST WEEK AND MIKE TENAY YELLS A BUNCH! FEEL THE EXCITEMENT!

Goldylocks opens and I automatically recommend the show. Anyway, she finds Brian Lawler who tries to say something coherent but drugs take over long enough for DA CHOSEN DADDY’S BOY to beat the shit out of him. HE YELLS STUFF! FEEL THE EXCITEMENT!

RED vs KID KASH
SCORE! I haven’t seen Kash since the demise of WCW back in 2001. Red is the spokesperson for Bumps R Us. Kash looks really old here, like he’s aged 10 years in the past two. Red looks really old too, coming in around twelve years old. Flip flop leads nowhere. Red attacks and Kash is out but Red KILLS HIMSELF trying a Tope Con Hilo. Jesus, it looked pretty until the whole “head becomes good friends with announce table.” Back in the ring and Kash goes on the attack with a Hart Attack for 2 and Ѕ. He slaps on The KOD (Kash On Delivery, HAR HAR HAR = High Angle Boston Crab) and segues that into a Powerbomb for 2 and Ѕ. A backdrop is telegraphed and Red gets a Sunset Flip for 2 and Ѕ. Leaping… Swinging… DDT gets 2 and ѕ. Red heads up but Kash catches him in a MOTHERFUCKING SUPER MILITARY PRESS! AWESOME! 1… 2… 2 AND 9/10! Double KO leads to Red recovering first (huh?) but he misses a Bronco Buster and Kash hits a Slingshot Legdrop for 2 and 9/10. Double Jump Cross Body gets 2 and 9/10. Kash eats another elbow and Red heads up but gets crotched off a blown ref bump and Kash hits THE BANKRUPTCY (Super Muscle Buster) for the victory. This was pretty good. It sort of came across as a bunch of moves rather than a nicely flowing match though. They had a couple of blown spots here and there, with the last one (the ref bump) being inexcusable considering it played such a large part in the finish. Ah well… nice little opener. **

Post match has Red get all “I respect you” but Kash makes him his bitch with a lariat. SAT TIME! SPANISH FLY THAT SHIT DOWN!

Goldylocks interviews Sonny Siaki. He’s trying to be like The Rock. Oh lord… I found it funny that Siaki basically had an interview talking about how he does what he wants and he’s his own man while impersonating not one but two different people in Elvis and The Rock. SAAAAAAD!

Monty Brown comes out and YELLS A BUNCH! FEEL THE EXCITEMENT! He manages to 100% destroy any heat his match with Siaki could have had by yelling at Jarrett instead. That’s some fine work Football Boy. Maybe you should look into working for the Texans while they still suck and would be willing to take anyone. By the way, I have nothing against The Texans. They schooled Dallas in their first game so they were my heroes for a week.

SONNY SIAKI vs MONTY BROWN
Sign of the night says “I Have A Penis.” I’m pretty sure that’s the only non-planted sign in the whole place. Come on, do you honestly expect me to believe that everyone else just happened to bring “TNA RULEZ” and other related bold faced lies on their own? Brown totally dominates for the first half as they brawl on the outside. Back in the ring and Brown hits a Salto for 2 and Ѕ. Alphalanche and a Butterfly Suplex gets 2 and Ѕ. Delayed Vertical Suplex gets 2 and ѕ. Siaki has had ZERO offense. CUE THE CHINLOCK! Wait… first we cue the chinlock where there’s about a foot between Brown’s forearm and Siaki’s head. So much for that. He switches it up into something decent and NOW… CUE THE CHINLOCK! Siaki escapes but it’s more beatings. This is getting stupid. Siaki finally comes back with a DDT and a lariat for 2 and Ѕ. Brown reverses an Irish whip and hits a SWEET Released Fisherman’s Suplex. Overhead Double Arm Suplex leads to The Alphalution (tilt a whirl Spinebuster). Brown looks for The Alpha Bomb but BEST SHADES EVER runs in causing a distraction and a School Boy win for Siaki. This was Squash City. Brown managed not to suck with his vast array of suplexes. Siaki may as well have been John Punching Bag for all the work he did. *1/2

Brown attacks Jarrett but there’s a pull apart so OLD MAN BULLET comes down and Jarrett backs up only to have Grandmaster Wasteoftime attack Jarrett. Geez… three feuds at once and I bet Jarrett wins them all.

Goldylocks interviews Slash and some other guy named Kobain. Oh… boy. A somber guy named Kobain with hair all over his face thinking about the greatness of suicide. This is pretty sick.

THE BACKSEAT BOYS vs THE HOT SHOTS vs THE NEW CHURCH vs STORM/HARRIS (Four Way Elimination Match)
This is for the last entry in the “Tag Team Gauntlet For The Gold” Battle Royale at the 9/18 PPV. You know with the exception of The New Church, I didn’t have a clue how to tell any of these teammates apart. Think about it. You’ve got The Backseat Boys, which consists of generic pretty boy #1 with short hair (Johnny Kashmere) and generic pretty boy #2 with long hair (Trent Acid). Then you move to The Hotshots with generic blonde guy #1 with short hair (Cassidy O’Reilly) and generic blonde guy #2 with… more short hair (Chase Stevens). Then you’ve got Wildcat Chris Harris and Cowboy James Storm but with the exception of their stupid gimmicks you still can’t tell who’s who after a while. You see this is the big problem with a fledgling promotion that’s content to ride on great wrestling while doing nothing else for the wrestlers themselves. If I’m a huge wrestling fan and I can’t tell them apart and for that matter don’t give a fuck either way, what’s the average person going to think when he/she is watching this stuff? They’re not going to root for someone whose name they don’t even know. If TNA ever gets to the point where it’s a stable promotion, one of their top priorities should be a show dedicated to their undercard and tag division. Something simple like interviews with highlights thrown in so at least the fans know who the hell they’re watching. Anyway, this is a total clusterfuck of a match. Tag rules went right out the window within the first couple of minutes. We get the requisite trainwreck leading to everyone standing around for a good fifteen seconds in a big huddle until Stevens FINALLY gains his balance and nearly kills himself off a Shooting Star Plancha. Back in the ring where Acid hits a SWEET Blue Thunder Bomb but Slash made a blind tag and hits The Slash And Burn (Hangman’s Neckbreaker) on Acid to gain the win and the first elimination. We get some more mindless moves with no flow until O’Reilly hits a Michinoku Driver on Harris. He looks for a Quebrada but sucks on knees to the gut for his trouble. Storm tags and it’s all over the place until Storm heads up only to get crotched. O’Reilly looks for something but it doesn’t matter as Storm knocks him off and hits A REVERSE TORNADO DDT! AWESOME! You damn right it’s over. I haven’t seen that move in years. We’re down to Harris/Storm vs The New Church. Slash and Storm are in and Slash hits The Whirly Bird Bomb for 2 and ѕ. Storm comes back with a Roundhouse and makes the tag. Pier Six breaks out and Storm hits a Superkick on Slash for 2 and 9/10. WHERE’S THE FUCKING RULES?! Slash comes back looking for The Slash & Burn on Harris (hey look, a move on the LEGAL MAN) but that’s broken up so Slash looks for a Mafia Kick but that’s blocked and it’s ROCK BOTTOM! ROCK BOTTOM! IT’S FINALLY OVER! This was spotty wrestling at its worst. Some of the moves blew me away but this match was beyond disorganized. When you’re not trying to figure out which guy is which, you’re trying to figure out why generic guy #1 is now the legal man with no tag. I’m glad to see Harris/Storm won considering they’re the only team being properly pushed in the tag division and seem to show a semblance of polish unlike the rest of the teams. Anyway, this was all flash and very little substance. I’ll be very generous and go ** for the effort and nutty moves.

Prime Time Brian Lee and Ron Harris (I think it’s Ron) attack after the bell and throw everyone out of the ring to show they’re going to win the Battle Royale. Of course now we know they’re not going to win after humiliating everyone else. DOA not winning the belts? WORKS FOR ME!

CHO CHO CHO DADDY’S BOY (cue guitar riff) yells at old man Armstrong. Sadly the yelling now longer makes you feel the excitement. Nothing says dangerous like threatening a geriatric.

MISS TNA vs APRIL HUNTER
Oh lord… Bruce is now Miss TNA (did I miss when this happened?) and is wrestling in a dress. Without Lenny this is just stupid. Hunter is accompanied to the ring by her tits. Jesus Christ, those things have got to be reduced. Hey, I love big tits as much as the next guy but there’s a point you move from “wow” to “gross” and she’s WAAAAAY over that line. The match is all punch, kick, chops, hair pull, hair throw (ding ding ding, NOW it’s an official women’s match). Bruce dominates with offense that hasn’t evolved to the point of “basic” yet and puts it away with a Powerbomb. CRRRRRRAP! DUD!

Goldylocks interviews The Flying Elvises. AHHHH! SHUT THEM UP NOW! THEY WRESTLE! NO TALKING! Yang needs to stay in AJPW and Estrada needs to be hit by a car but injured only so much that he can live a good life without ever wrestling again. The Siaki interrupts and gets in the line of the night with “if you say your prayers and eat your vitamins you’ll pre-maturely lose your hair.” OH HO HO! HOGAN JOKE!.

THE FLYING ELVISES vs THE SPANISH ANNOUNCE TEAM
Joel and Estrada start the ball rolling with flip flop. Joel goes to the kicks and we get a massive screw up leading to a HORRIBLE Rana. Estrada comes back with a Powerslam and Jose tries to come in but gets thrown out leading to The Elvises hitting BEAUTIFUL Stereo Quebradas. That’s the first nice thing to come out of this match. Estrada hits a Rollover Slam into another Quebrada for 2 and Ѕ. Slingshot Elbow gets 2 and Ѕ. Estrada eats boot off a blind charge and Joel hits a Springboard Enzugiri. FINALLY Jose tags and the SAT’s hit a lifted Senton for 2 and Ѕ. Jose looks for a Bulldog but that’s blocked and Estrada hits The Love Me Tender (Super Swinging Neckbreaker) and tags Yang. Yang hits a suplex into a neckbreaker for 2 and ѕ. Estrada Slingshot Senton gets 2 and ѕ. Come on, is Yang ever going to get more than ten seconds of ring time here? Estrada heads up but Jose cuts him off only to have whatever he was planning blocked and Estrada hits The All Shook Up (Super Hip Toss into a Neckbreaker). Double KO leads to both teams tagging. Joel hits an Overhead Belly to Belly on Yang and KILLS Estrada with THE GORE! GORE! GORE! SAT’s look to double team Yang but he’s all “I WORK FOR FUCKING ALL JAPAN DAMN IT!” and dropkicks both guys. YEAH! Yang pulls off a SICK Suplex/Neckbreaker combo for 2 and Ѕ. Jose just decides that he’s legal and hits a Guillotine Legdrop for 2 and ѕ. Estrada punks him out with a slam – Twisting Senton for 2 and ѕ. GOD FUCKING DAMN IT! WHERE ARE THE FUCKING RULES?! Joel hits Estrada with a German Suplex for 2 and ѕ. Yang back in but he gets crotched and the SAT’s look for The Spanish Fly but The Siaki runs in, crotches both guys and Yang goes for YANG TIME but that misses by a mile. UGH! I’m sure that was the expected finish but he totally misjudged the distance. IMPROV TIME! Joel heads up but Yang cuts him off and hits a Superplex – Neckbreaker for the victory. The beginning sucked. The middle ruled. The ending was fucked up. TNA has got to fix their tag division so there’s at least a reason why I’m seeing guys that aren’t legal just randomly come in and hit finishers for near falls. If you’re going to follow a standard tag format then do so. Don’t use the rules until you don’t feel like it and then throw in these Tornado style endings because each set of rules pretty much cancels the other one out and you insult the intelligence of the fans that are looking for one thing and getting another. Both teams are good (well Estrada sucks balls but whatever) and the match was above solid (aside from the stupid breakdown at the end) so I’ll go **1/2

Goldylocks and Lawler are in the ring and we’re about to find out Lawler’s problem but first he calls Goldy a tramp because of the clothes she wears. I can’t believe this hot girl willingly signed on for a job where she’s basically insulted every single week by a bunch of guys who will never go anywhere further in wrestling. Of course she leaves and without her I’m about to hit Fast Forward but Lawler starts up about Jeff Jarrett only to have MOTHERFUCKING RON KILLINGS INTERRUPT! BOO YA! WWE NEEDS TO SIGN THIS GUY YESTERDAY! Killings is all “FUCK YOU LAWLER! YOU SUCK BALLS!” and Lawler is cowering in fear basically saying “Why yes Ron, I do suck the balls and I’ll suck yours if you don’t kick my ass. I’m sorry for being such a pussyfoot piece of shit.” Killings gets tired of this and walks away so Lawler goes back to trying to be a badass by punking out a photographer (ooohhh… aren’t you tough for beating up some 40 year old broomstick) who’s taking photos of his girlfriend (who is dressed 10x as slutty as Goldylocks). O… K. Apparently Jarrett is fucking his girl or something. Who cares? WE WANT MORE MOTHERFUCKING RON KILLINGS!

THE BULLET vs JEFF JARRETT
Jarrett beats the crap out of him but Bullet comes back with the only three moves that Road Dogg was capable of so we know who’s behind the mask. Jarrett comes back and handcuffs him to the ropes. Old man Armstrong comes down and gets CLOCKED with a chair shot. Jarrett beats up everyone and the old man bleeds for the hell of it. Of course the point of this match was to unmask Bullet and they didn’t do that so this was a waste of my time. DUD

JERRY LYNN vs AJ STYLES vs LOW KI
Now this is the reason you go after this show. Initial reports had been extraordinarily favourable to this match. Personally, I’m not a fan of the 3 way format because it’s very difficult to keep the third man in there in a believable setting. If you can’t follow that format then you’ve always got someone “hurt” or “resting” on the outside and it gets stupid. Also, I was wary of the ladder match because people tend to take “great spots” to mean “great match” and that isn’t always the case. Scott went so far as to say in one of his feedback pieces that this was US MOTYC thus far. I found it hard to believe something out of this fed could produce a match better than Michaels vs HHH (my pick for US MOTYC thus far with Edge vs Angle from “Judgement Day” coming in as close a second as you’re going to get) so I was more eager than ever to sit down with this match. Ki beats on both guys to start until Lynn gets in a Tilt A Whirl Backbreaker. Double team goodness leads to an Inverted Surfboard – Facebuster by Lynn and Styles. Ki comes back and works them both over. He heads out for a ladder but takes a Baseball Slide. We get our first ladder spot as they set it up between the rail and the ring and Lynn hits a double Facebuster on the ladder. NICE! Back in the ring where Styles mauls Ki with punches and kicks but stops to work the crowd and Lynn FUCKING STEAMROLLS HIM with a BIG TIME lariat. They end up brawling but stop just in time to hit Ki with a SICK double hiptoss on the ladder. EEEWWW! Styles is whipped into the ladder but he backflips off and looks for a DDT but Lynn blocks and hits a RELEASED NORTHERN LIGHTS ONTO THE LADDER! AWESOME! Ki’s back and looks for The Tidal Crush but that’s blocked into a Powerbomb, however that’s reversed into a RANA ON THE LADDER! I LOVE IT! Styles comes out of nowhere and looks to climb but Ki ties him in the rungs of the ladder and FUCKING KILLS HIM with a kick to the head. BRUTAL! Lynn comes from behind and looks for a German suplex and Ki tries for The Matrix but Styles ducks, leaving Ki on Lynn’s shoulders and on the wrong side of a RUNNING LYGERBOMB! BEAUTIFUL! We’ve got three ladders in the ring with everyone climbing but Lynn is out and Ki slaps on a DRAGON CLUTCH ON THE LADDER! Wow, this is so Jericho vs Benoit Liontamer spot it’s not even funny. Everyone climbs one more time but Lynn manages to knock Styles off his ladder to the floor. Ki is brilliant enough to put his foot on the top rope and then rebound to the middle ladder (someone in the WWE has to steal that one) but Lynn pulls him over the top rung and hits A FUCKING SUPER CRADLE PILEDRIVER! HOLY FUCKING SHIT! STYLES IS OUT! KI IS DEAD! LYNN WINS IT! Wow this kicked all kinds of ass. This had some pretty great stuff that I had never seen before and they kept everyone in there for the mostpart, which as I stated earlier is a major griping point. The match had solid flow and a SICK ending with that Piledriver. This was great but NOT US MOTYC as far as I’m concerned. I got a great kick out of it but it’s not on the level of the 3 way from the first ROH, not to mention both Angle vs Edge matches or Michaels vs HHH. Still, definitely worth going out of your way to see. ***3/4

Final Analysis: You know what? This wasn’t that bad at all. If you drop off the Jarrett squash and the women’s match then the rest ranges from good – excellent. The tag division needs a lot of work, especially with getting each team over as more than generic brunette/blonde guys with a bunch of moves. The rules need an overhaul as well. You either want standard rules or Tornado rules, not both. It’s just stupid to try and attempt a hybrid style because it doesn’t work. They were smart to put the title on Lynn considering Ki is now over in Japan working for Z1 and just won their Jr. Title. Hopefully he comes back to the fed otherwise they would have put a lot of time and energy into one guy for nothing. The show was good and with a main event like that, is definitely recommended if you can find it cheap or in a trade.

Justin Baisden
Rolling Germans Wrestling