Rolling Germans Review: WWE Fanatix Series – Rebellion 2002

WWE FANATIX SERIES: REBELLION 2002

Yeah I know, the only time you read anything from me as it concerns WWE is the Hangout Reports. Thing is I watch just about everything to do with WWE though, from RAW & Smackdown right down to pittly shit like Velocity and Confidential (they get taped and watched whenever I’m desperate to kill time). Then you have the Fanatix Series or as I like to call it “BASTARD PAY PER VIEW.” Basically they take a commercial release and hack the shit out of it to fit an hour and a half. The thing that PISSES ME OFF is that you pay for a two hour block but THEY NEVER USE IT! GOD DAMN IT!

Anyway; Scott doesn’t review Fanatix (does he even bother to buy these PPV’s?) and I got to tape this show while watching the Tough Enough III finale (the two right people went over. How much of a pussyfoot does Kidman look like now that John can do a Standing Shooting Star Press and a Crossfire Legdrop while Kidman can barely keep himself from landing on his face doing the SSP?). This show took place back in November during WWE’s last European tour (or is it just a one night deal for this show?) so Brock is still heel champion with Heyman while Benoit & Angle are still WWE Tag Team Champions.

This review is brought to you by Planters Dry Roasted Peanuts. GOD THESE SUCK! But they’re a great source of protein and I gave up on chips. FUCK!

Like I said earlier, this is “BASTARD PAY PER VIEW” so the WWE chopped the shit out of this thing. The PPV is missing:

• Sho Funaki vs Crash Holly (Hmm… that probably would have been a solid if forgettable junior match)
• Yoshihiro Tajiri vs Rey Misterio Jr. vs Jamie Knoble (FUCK! WHY ISN’T THIS ON THE GOD DAMNED PAY PER VIEW! FUCK THIS SHOW!)
• D-Von Dudley & Ron Simmons vs Chuck Palumbo & Val Venis (Hmm… maybe I don’t hate this show. They didn’t punish me with this garbage)
• Rikishi vs Albert (FORGET IT! I LOVE THIS SHOW NOW! BEST EDITING EVER)

Stephanie McMahon comes out and that sound you hear is the screams coming from everyone that stabbed themselves in the ear so they won’t have to hear her. I make the SUPREME SACRIFICE and don’t stab myself so I can tell you what she has to say. She manages to disappoint everyone with the SAD SAD fact that UNDERTAKER ISN’T HERE! FUCK YES! Those poor ear stabbing victims went through it all for nothing because we get an added treat as Stephanie tells everyone that as part of the talent exchange for Big Show, we get for one night only MOTHERFUCKING BOOKER T! SUCKAAAAAAA! And who’s he facing? 10 – 30 – 70 – 100% OH YEAAAAAAH!

BOOKER T vs MATT HARDY (Version 1)
Matt likes English Muffins. FUCK YES MATT! ENGLISH MUFFINS OWN US ALL FOR FREE! Booker controls with basic offense to start but Matt comes back with a Hotshot and a Swinging Neckbreaker for 2 and Ѕ. Irish whip into the corner is countered into a Brisco Roll Up for 2 and Ѕ. Booker brings the right hand but that’s countered with The Side Effect for 2 and Ѕ. Don’t you just LOVE how Matt Hardy… Version 1 has a special name for every move? CUE THE CHINLOCK! Booker breaks out and it’s SUCKA SPINE ON THE PINE for a Double KO. Booker brings the WHOOOO and a Superkick (called a Savate Kick by Cole. He FUCKING WISHES he could call shit like Savate kick like he’s Monsoon) for 2 and Ѕ. Leg Lariat gets 2 and ѕ. Charge meets boot and Matt looks for The “NOW WE GO HERE” Legdrop but that misses and Booker hits The Missile Dropkick for 2 and 9/10. YOU FEEL IT! I FEEL IT! THE SPINA… NO! TWIST OF FATE! BLOCKED! BOOK END! 1… 2… 2 FOOT ON THE ROPE! Booker looks for an Irish Whip but that’s reversed for THE TWIST OF FATE! 1… 2… 2.99999! FUCKING CONSPIRACY! ANOTHER TWIST OF FATE! BLOCKED! AXE KICK! IT’S OVER! Hmm… more cap locks that his match deserved but I mark out huge for both these guys so it’s all good. Really good match with crisp clean execution and a red hot crowd to boot. **3/4

DAWN MARIE/JOHN CENA vs TORRIE WILSON/BILLY KIDMAN (Intergender Rules)
This is back in November so Dawn wasn’t sucking Al’s limp cock at this point, only shoving her disease covered tongue down his throat. Cena & Kidman had the little mini feud after Kidman managed to fuck up and lose during the Tag Team Tournament. Cena got pissy and they had a couple of *1/2 – ** matches for a few weeks with both guys going on like little whiny bitches. So now we get this match and I’m almost willing to cry but GOD Torrie Wilson is the HOTTEST WOMAN EVER! Someone should bronze that ass and put it on display for the world to see. Cena dominates to start and brings in Dawn but there’s a mistake as Kidman bends her over his knee and Torrie spanks that shit. Torrie FUCKING STIFFS HER with a Dropkick to the face for 2 and Ѕ. Irish Whip but Dawn rebounds with a Schoolgirl for 2 and Ѕ. Split Legged (position of Dawn’s life) Facebuster gets 2 and Ѕ. Cena tags but he spends too much time posturing and Torrie gives him the old fist to the cock. Kidman tags in with a Reverse Elbow and a Seated Dropkick for 2 and Ѕ. He charges but Dawn goes OLD SCHOOL BRET HART with the knee in the back, giving Cena the chance to hit ROOKIE SPINE ON THE PINE for 2 and ѕ. He looks for The Protoplex but Kidman slips out and hits a Climbing Bulldog for 2 and ѕ. Enzugiri and THE BOTCHED SHOOTING STAR HEADBUTT TO THE SIDE OF THE RIBS gets the victory. Wow this didn’t suck as much Al Wilson cock as I thought it would. Doesn’t mean it was good though. * Kidman gets a long kiss from Torrie for the fine fuck up of the finisher and you just know that Kidman is getting the SWEET SWEET PUSSAAAAAAY!

LOS GUERREROS vs CHRIS BENOIT & KURT ANGLE (WWE Tag Team Titles)
Benoit & Angle were doing that “we’re a team but I’m better than you” routine around this time. This crowd FUCKING LOVES Angle. Holy shit, he’s super over in the US and he WISHES he could get this kind of heat. The champs dominate to start with relatively basic stuff to start while incorporating some comedy spots. Benoit ends up on the wrong side of the ring prompting the “WE WANT ANGLE” clap clap clapclapclap “WE WANT ANGLE!” clap clap clapclapclap. The Guerreros cheat to win for a while and then Eddie hits his Sweet Slingshot Senton for 2 and Ѕ. He looks for The Gory Special (submission version) but Benoit reverses into a Sunset Flip for 2 and Ѕ. Chavo tags and brings the FUCKING STIFF European Uppercuts but that’s reversed into a Backslide for 2 and Ѕ. Eddie tags but he’s met with a kick in the gut and THE MOTHERFUCKING BUCKWILDBOMB! GOD I LOVE THAT MOVE! HOT TAG THAT SHIT! THE CROWD IS NUKED FOR ANGLE! Lariats for everyone. Overhead Belly to Belly on Eddie for 2 and ѕ. It all breaks down with Benoit hitting The Swandive Headbutt on Eddie for an Angle cover. 1… 2… 2.CHAVO SAVES! BRAINBUSTER ON ANGLE! EDDIE COVERS! 1… 2… 2 AND 9/10! FROG SPLASH! 1… 2… 2.BENOIT SAVES! Angle looks for The Angle Slam but Eddie slips out and throws Angle into Benoit prompting a bit of fighting before Eddie hits a dropkick to the knee and THE LASO FROM EL PASO! REVERSAL! THE ANGLE LOCK! WHERE’S THE FUCKING REF! TIED UP WITH CHAVO AND BENOIT DAMN IT! CHAVO NAILS ANGLE WITH THE BELT. CHEAT TO WIN! 1… 2… 2.999999! BENOIT HOTSHOTS EDDIE! THE ANGLE SLAM! IT’S OVER! What a surprise, this match managed to kick all kinds of ass. Truth be told the work was only their usual “better than 90% of the roster” fare but this crowd totally took the match to the next level. Angle was insanely over with this crowd (what’s the deal with that? Any UK readers want to fill me in?) as they cheered him non stop when he was in there and were super loud about wanting him back when he was on the apron. Good work from everyone involved. ***1/4

EDGE vs PAUL HEYMAN & BROCK LESNAR (Handicap Match – WWE Title)
This was supposed to be Taker vs Brock & Heyman but he’s back home with his pregnant wife so the match was changed and we get something watchable instead. WORKS FOR ME! Edge plays mind games with Lesnar as he makes him look like an ass chasing him. Heyman takes a page out of Eddie’s book as he CHEATS TO WIN giving Lesnar the chance to pound the shit out of Edge. Backbreaker followed up with a Shoulderblock gets 2 and Ѕ. Lesnar looks for a Powerslam but that’s reversed into a Rolling Reverse Cradle for 2 and Ѕ. Lesnar has none of this comeback shit and STEAMROLLS HIM with a Lariat for 2 and ѕ. CUE THE BROCK LOCK! Edge breaks out after a few minutes of killing the crowd but Lesnar meets him with MAIN EVENT SPINE ON THE PINE for 2 and ѕ. Blind Charge leads to Lesnar sucking down post and an Edge Schoolboy for 2 and ѕ. FACEPLANT! EDGE-O-MATIC! 1… 2… 2 AND 9/10! MISSILE DROPKICK! 1… 2… 2 AND 9/10! He looks for a Cross Body but it’s ducked and we CUE THE REF BUMP! CUE MY KILLING MYSELF! Lesnar looks for The F5 but Edge slips out and hits THE EDGECUTION! NO REF! Heyman slides in a chair for Brock but it’s THE GORE SPEAR GORE! 1… 2… 2.999999! Edge heads up for the billionth time but Lesnar nails him with the chair in the gut (which the ref doesn’t quite seem to see) and HERE COMES THE PAIN! F5 THAT SHIT DOWN! Wow, Brock totally carried Edge through this thing. He basically dominated the match and let Edge up for a few hope spots before allowing him to pull out his usually flashy shit for a few great near falls. Brock is so much better than most people give him credit for. Good carry job here and the nuclear crowd made it all the better. ***

Final Thoughts: Hey, I can’t really complain about this show. We got four matches of which three were floating in that +/- *** area and the other was a comedy match that was kept short. This PPV is like $10 and you got about as good a set of matches as you’ll get on an above average TNA show so hell, if you can burn the dough; check the show. ENGLISH MUFFINS THAT SHIT DOWN!

Justin Baisden
Rolling Germans Wrestling