The Backlash 2006 Breakdown

WWE Backlash — 04.30.06

Live from Lexington, Ken.

Your hosts are Jim Ross and Jerry Lawler.

Heat Match: Golddust vs. Rob Conway.
Conway’s new blond hair makes him look like a certain “ass man.” Goldie dominates with his usual queer offense. What? His offense is strange and unorthodox. Queer. It doesn’t necessarily have to have another connotation. The tide changes as they both go for a crossbody and crash into each other. Conway hits a neckbreaker, but Goldie climbs him for mounted punches and finishes with a powerslam at about 3:30. A powerslam? Really? He doesn’t even rate the Curtain Call. Anyhoo, it was a decent match to get the crowd going. *

Opening Match: Chris Masters vs. Carlito.
Carlito slaps Masters right in his grill, so Masters chokes him down with his own shirt. Carlito dropkicks Masters in the knee and bulldogs him to come back. Carlito slips out of a press slam and puts Masters in the Full Nelson to a HUGE pop. Masters breaks it easily and gives Carlito the stinkeye. Carlito begs off and yanks the ropes down to send Masters over the top. Carlito hits a pescado and some mounted punches. Masters comes back with a powerbomb. Big “Masters Sucks” chant. He drags Carlito around the ring by his hair. A Snake Eyes sets up a Masterlock attempt, but Carlito counters to a rollup for two. Carlito comes back with a springboard back elbow. Carlito tosses his apple in the air, distracting Masters long enough for him to hit a cheapshot. Yes, Masters falls for the same trick your dog does. Carlito gets a dropkick. ONE, TWO, THRE-TWO, THRE-…um…pssst, Chris, you’re supposed to kick out. Masters blows the nearfall drawing the ire of the crowd as the ref has to cover for him. Carlito hits the backcracker and puts his feet on the ropes for the win. The fans loved Carlito, but then the fans loved everything tonight, so we’ll have to see how that holds up. **

Maria stands by and thinks we might not be happy with Masters victory over Carlito, but she wants to hear what fans think of the main event. Maria notes that there aren’t many Edgeheads. Lita interrupts her and says she doesn’t care what people think. Sexual innuendos are exchanged, and Lita says when Edge walks out with the title this time, they will have a private sex celebration.

Umaga (w/Armando Allejandro Estrada) vs. Ric Flair.
Umaga meets Flair on the floor and mauls him. To the ring, Flair goes to the eyes and hits a low blow. Some chops back the big guy off, and Flair hits another low blow. Umaga chops him in the throat but misses the buttalanche. They take it to the floor where Umaga misses a charge and posts himself. Back in, Flair chop blocks the leg and goes for the figure-four. Umaga pushes him into the corner and hits the tree-of-woe headbutt. The buttalanche sets up a diving headbutt. Umaga hits the Oriental Spike for the win at 3:30. Surprisingly, this was a total squash for Uma. I guess they’re serious about pushing him as a monster. Then again, Rico got a big win over Flair a few years ago and where is Rico today? 3/4*

Vince McMahon is getting pumped in the back. Shane McMahon comes in asks if he’s ready. Vince performs a series of miracles, including walking on water, multiplying loaves and fishes, and inadvertently turning Shane’s water to wine. Sacrilicious.

WWE Women’s Title: Mickie James vs. Trish Stratus.
Trish looks like Trish again. However, she’s starting to wrestle like Dean Malenko, so I’m not sure if I should be happy or worried again. A bicycle kick sends Mickie to the floor, and Trish follows her out with a Thesz Press off the apron. Back in, Trish climbs up for mounted punches, but Mickie dumps her to the floor, hyperextending her elbow. Back in, Mickie stomps the arm and chokes her out until Jack Doan decides to disqualify her at 4:06 for not breaking. Trish is quite the little trooper. Mickie seems confused, but she’s happy she has her belt. Well, that sucks. 1/2*

Maria gets a word with Shawn Michaels. Shawn Michaels says the Lord is always with him.

Money in the Bank vs. Intercontinental Title: Rob Van Dam vs. Shelton Benjamin.
Shelton looks like he’s trying out for an extra on “Miami Vice.” Ross and Lawler make backhanded comments about the infamous Ross Proctology segment on Raw several months ago. RVD tries so rudimentary stuff to start, allowing Benjamin to show off his athleticism to get out of it. Benjamin potatoes Van Dam early, and Van Dam sends him to the floor with a spinkick, frustrating him. Benjamin avoids Rolling Thunder by rolling to the floor, but Van Dam catches him off his guard with a pescado. Benjamin then one-ups him with a sunset flip over the top rope into a powerbomb on the floor! Sweet Jebus! Shelton takes over from there and works over the back of Van Dam. Benji hits a running kneelift from the apron and goes back to the chinlock. Van Dam makes the ropes. Benjamin stays on the back with a series of slams and goes back to the chinlock. Rob elbows out of the Exploder, but Benjamin counters the Rolling Thunder to a Samoan Drop for two. Van Dam shoves Benjamin off the top, but Benji uses his vertical leap to jump right back up and superplex Van Dam! That gets two, and Benjamin locks in a bodyscissors. Van Dam avoids a dropkick and punts Benjamin in the face. A spinning wheel kick sets up Rolling Thunder. ONE, TWO, THRE-NO! Van Dam hits the Split-Legged Moonsault for two. RVD tries to set up the Five-Star Frogsplash with a monkeyflip, but Benjamin lands on his feet. Rob has to settle for a spinning wheel kick. Benjamin avoids the Five-Star and spikes him with a DDT. ONE, TWO, THRE-NO! Rob gets his foot on the ropes. Shelton comes off the top with a crossbody, but Van Dam rolls through for two. Van Dam ranas Benji down. Benjamin grabs the MitB briefcase, but Van Dam hits him with the Van Daminator to the case. The academic Five-Star Frogsplash finishes, and Van Dam picks up the Intercontinental Title to go along with his Money in the Bank title shot. Interesting choice, considering Van Dam is considered a shoe-in to win one of the two world titles in a few months. This was not the classic that many thought it could be, but it was a nice little match. ***1/2

Big Show stands by to say he didn’t freak out when he did “Waterboy,” so Kane has no excuse. Well, in fairness, Kane has more of a starring role. I think we all remember Sandler’s reign of terror during that period.

Kane vs. Big Show.
Lillian Garcia is still a little gunshy since Kane nearly gave her the chokeslam (and snuck in “the shocker”). The crowd mocks Kane with a “May 19” chant. Kane fires away, so Show shoves him to the corner and chops his chest. Show tries to work over Kane’s arm, but Kane goes him one better by actually working Show’s right arm. You know, the one he actually uses for the chokeslam. Ross notes that you really have to see Big Show to appreciate how big he really is. Ah, now I remember why I missed him. Show gives Kane a Fallaway Slam and steamrolls him. Show goes for a chokeslam, but Kane is able to counter to a sloppy DDT for two. Show “hits” a big boot as Ross says the match hasn’t been pretty. Show pokes out his finger as Kane is bent over. Okay, I don’t even want to know what he’s thinking. Oh, he thankfully goes after Kane’s eye, but Kane boots him to the outside. Suddenly, the arena goes red, and Kane’s voice rings through the arena, whispering “May 19.” Kane collapses and starts beating his own head. Ross says he can’t explain why everyone is hearing the voices. Show just grabs a chair and reluctantly hits Kane over the head with it for the sports entertainment finish. Okay, answer me this: if everyone can hear the voices, why do people think that Kane is crazy? When schizophrenics hear voices, the voices aren’t real. And what’s more, isn’t the bigger mystery the source of the voices, not the meaning of May 19? Anyway, this was not quite as bad as their King of the Ring 1999 classic, but it was still pretty bad. 1/4*

Candice Michelle, who seems to be suffering from a bad chest cold, comes in and asks him to heal her by putting his hands on her. And it works! Candice feels the touch of God and starts speaking in tongues in one of those “love it or hate it” WWE moments. Shane comes in and gets Vince for their match before we can find out if she’s cured or not. Too bad PPV isn’t eligible for the Emmys.

No DQ, No COR: Vince McMahon & Shane McMahon vs. Shawn Michaels & God.
Vince spends five minutes calling out God. I guess the Almighty is stuck in traffic. Shawn answers instead and brawls with the McMahons all the way up to the entrance platform. Vince is staggered near the edge, so Shawn hits a crossbody that sends them both off the platform into the production equipment. Shane busts Shawn open with a chairshot and works the cut. Shane beats Shawn all the way back down to the ring and gives him an armdrag into the barrier. That’s unique. Back in the ring, Shane fires away with jabs as Vince recovers and stands on the apron. Why is he waiting for tag? It’s no DQ. Shawn avoids an elbow, but Shane hits the People’s DDT. Vince tags in and whips Shawn with his belt. A garbage can shot puts Shawn down. Vince, of course, has to be Vince. He grabs the microphone and asks the empty corner what he thinks of his partner now. God apparently walks out on Shawn. WHY HAVE YOU FORSAKEN ME?! Vince goes for Sweet Chin Music, but Shawn catches his foot. Shawn comes back with his usual on Vince and then again on Shane. Flying elbow drop. SWEET CHIN MUSIC! And there’s another one for Vince! Shawn doesn’t bother going for the pin. Instead, he grabs a pair of tables. AND HE DID SET THEM UP! The crowd, never satisfied, chants for ladders. Shawn brings in the 20-footer. PRAISE BE HOME DEPOT! The Spirit Squad runs down, so Shawn flies out on them instead. They manage to swarm him and put the boots to him. In a great spot, they drag him into the ring and give him High Spirits through the table! Shawn got some good air there. Vince covers for the win, and JR says, and I quote, “This is bullshit!” The SS carries Vince and Shane off on their shoulders. This wasn’t that much different than the other matches between these three. It was a lot of big move, stand around for a while setting up the next big move, big move, stand around for a while. The real suspense was waiting to see how they would work God into the equation, and they never did. How about the courtesy of a reacharound next time? **

John Cena talks about all the Edgeheads and Triple H fanboys cheering against him, but the only thing he wants to hear is Lillian Garcia announcing him as still the champion.

Matt Striker comes out for our lesson of the day. Like a good little heel, he makes fun of Kentucky sports teams and calls them uneducated. He brings out Eugene to show an example of what happens when cousins marry. He challenges Eugene to write his name, but instead, Eugene writes “Matt Striker loves Poop” prompting a chant from the audience. Eugene picks his nose and thinks about eating it before finally shoving it in Striker’s mouth. Striker attacks, but Eugene hits the Stunner. CLASS DISMISSED, BITCH!

WWE Heavyweight Title: John Cena vs. Triple H vs. Edge (w/Lita).
Edge steps out to let Cena and Hunter settle their differences first. Cena wins a slugfest and hits his Fisherman’s Suplex. Edge breaks up the cover, though. Hunter comes back with an atomic drop and high knee. Edge breaks that up two and looks on laughingly as they slug it out again. Finally, they realize they’ve been played for suckers and yank him in, pinballing him between roundhouse rights. They take him to the outside and slam him his head into the table in a game of one-upmanship. Back in, Cena hits a Superfly Splash off the top and drops the spinning backdrop. Lita breaks up the Five Knuckle Shuffle by yanking down the ropes. Edge and Triple H exchange sleepers until Cena recovers and lifts them BOTH up for the FU! Fans love that. Edge slips off his shoulders and spears Cena, turning the move into a Samoan Drop on Triple H in the process. To the outside, Edge slingshots Triple H into the ringpost, busting him open. To make matters worse, Edge takes HHH to the Spanish announce table and gives him the Edgecution on the table. HAY MUCHO SANGRE DE TRIPLE HECHE! Back in, Edge hits Cena with a missile dropkick and spears him in the corner. Cena counters the Edgecution to the STFU, but Hunter keeps Edge from tapping out and tags Cena with the microphone. A Barry Bonds-like chairshot sends Edge over the barrier into the crowd, eliminating him from the match for a bit. Back in again, Cena drop-toeholds Hunter into the STFU, allowing them to replay the Austin/Bret double switch complete with Lawler saying that no one would blame Triple H for tapping here. Hunter’s tough, though. He’s a wrestler. He makes the ropes and counters a follow-up FU to a Pedigree attempt. Cena then counters *that* to an STFU. Edge climbs the ropes gingerly, but Cena sees him coming, and they slug it out, bumping the referee. Cena goes for the Super FU, but Hunter sneaks up and Electric Chair Drops them both in a Tower of Doom spot. Lita tries to help out by going after Hunter with a chair, but he sees her coming and gives her a spinebuster. With everyone else down, Hunter thinks about using the chair himself before tossing it in favor of the sledgehammer. Edge spears him before he can use the hammer and takes it for himself. He doesn’t get to use it, though, because Cena scoops him up for the FU. Hunter breaks that up with a lowblow and goes for the Pedigree, but Cena scoops him up into a Jackknife Roll for the win at 17:33. After the match, Hunter hits everyone with the sledgehammer and struts out of the arena like a babyface. This one had just about everything you could ask from these three (four if you count Lita). The spots were inventive, and the STFU spots had the right amount of drama as the hold is now over enough for fans to consider it a real finisher. Plus, you had HHH bleeding all over the place, Edge taking a sickening chairshot, and even Lita getting in on the act with a spinebuster. It’s not quite Angle-Taker, but it’s one of the better WWE matches so far this year. ****

Final Thoughts: The main event delivered, as it should, but there were also a number of disappointments. Trish’s injury put an end to what could have been a good women’s match. I can’t really fault them for that. The biggest disappointment is that they cynically booked “God” into a match, knowing that fans would tune in to see *something* but instead we just got a regular handicap match, and not a very good one at that. That’s the very definition of bait-and-switch. The IC/MitB and main event were good, everything else can be tossed aside.

Mild recommendation to avoid.

J.D. Dunn