The Contentious Ten 11.30.09: The Top 10 Wrestling Birds

Alright, I will cop to the fact that this is without a doubt the dumbest top ten list I’ve ever written. But what can I say? It was Thanksgiving weekend so there was a bunch of family in town, and I had to get a bunch of grades in before the break so I had no time during the short workweek to work on the column, and hardly any time at home. I was faced with writing a column that usually takes me several hours in a very small window of time. So if you think this week’s list, “The Thanksgiving Leftover Edition,” is stupid, I will be the first to admit that it is.

Initially I was going to write about what I call “Super Tag Teams,” and was going to include this week’s list as a special bonus list. However, with the time crunch I simply decided to expand a little bit on the special bonus list, and move the Super Teams to next week. Basically the list is in honor of the main staple of the Thanksgiving meal: the turkey. Since the turkey is a bird it got me thinking about wrestlers with bird related gimmicks or names (I know this is so fucking stupid, it’s embarrassing). This was supposed to be a joke bonus for a real column, but this is what I had time to do. So with out further ado, I give you

The Thanksgiving Leftover Edition:
The Top Ten Wrestling “Birds”

X

Beth Phoenix

A Phoenix is a mythological bird that dies and is then resurrected through fire to become one giant flaming bird. I can’t imagine that a flaming bird would make for a very tasty Thanksgiving meal, and she doesn’t exactly play up the bird portion of her gimmick, so Ms. Phoenix ranks pretty low on my list. Phoenix started her career wrestling for several indy-feds for women, including Shimmer before singing with WWE and working in Ohio Valley Wrestling for a few years before being brought up to WWE as an ally of Trish Stratus who was feuding with Mickie James at the time. Shortly after her debut she suffered a jaw injury and went through several surgeries and another stint in OVW before rising from her ashes and returning to WWE as “The Glamazon” to win her first Women’s Championship from Candice Michelle. After several months she lost her Women’s Title and entered into an on-screen relationship with Santino Marella. The couple became known as “Glamarella” and together they won a mixed tag match at SummerSlam 2008 that resulted in Phoenix winning the Women’s Title for a second time. She lost the belt several months later to Melina at the 2009 Royal Rumble. Phoenix now wrestles on SmackDown.

IX

The Fabulous Freebirds

I’m not exactly sure what a freebird is other than a metaphor for being completely unattached to anything, but the team’s name is a direct reference to the Lynyrd Skynyrd song “Free Bird.” The trio, Michael “P.S.” Hayes, Terry “Bam Bam” Gordy, and Buddy “Jack” Roberts, actually entered the arena to “Free Bird” for five years until they Hayes wrote “Badstreet USA.” The group formed in 1979 in NWA’s Mid South promotion and had a bitter feud with Junkyard Dog. From there they moved to NWA’s Georgia Championship Wrestling where they won the Tag Team Championships on their first day. It was there that they introduced the “Freebird Rule” where any two members of the team could wrestle, leaving their opponents at a disadvantage. After several years there (and a brief breakup) the Freebirds moved to Dallas-based World Class Championship Wrestling and engaged in an epic feud with the Von Erich clan. The feud lasted several years and saw the Freebirds win several championships. After their time in WCCW came to an end they joined the AWA where they had intense feud with the Road Warriors after they cost them their Tag Team Titles. The feud culminated in a major showdown at Wrigley Field in Chicago that saw the Freebirds mockingly paint their faces. The Freebirds then jumped from promotion to promotion and eventually ended up in WCW where they had continued success until the team eventually fell apart. Regardless of their success or importance, they didn’t exactly play up the “bird” part of Freebird, so, for that reason they rank low on this ridiculous list.

VIII

The Blue Blazer

I know what you’re thinking; “the Blue Blazer” wasn’t a bird. Well, you may be right, but just look at the costume: a big wing like cape, feathers everywhere, wing like patches over his eyes, and big red bird on his chest. It looks enough like a bird gimmick to me, and besides how may bird related gimmicks do you think I have to choose from. Owen Hart was essentially the Harvey Birdman of the WWF. As the Blue Blazer Hart had fairly limited success. His highest profile match was a loss to Mr. Perfect at WrestleMania V, but his high-flying style and unusual outfit helped him standout. He would take the gimmick with him to the independent circuits before losing a “Mask vs. Mask Match” to El Canek. I wish I could say that was the end of the Owen Hart’s “bird” gimmick, however, in 1998 the mask returned after Hart “injured” Dan Severn and “quit” the WWF. The next week the Blue Blazer retuned to the WWF and claimed not to be Owen Hart (even though it obviously was). During this time both Jeff Jarrett and Owen’s former High Energy partner Koko B. Ware donned the mask so Hart could claim that he wasn’t the Blazer. Sadly, the gimmick indirectly led to his death a few months later. As far as bird gimmicks go this one is pretty good if you look at the Blazer as a bird, but not so good if you happen to think that I’m full of shit for calling it a bird gimmick.

VII

Rockin’ Robin

A Robin would make a pretty pathetic Thanksgiving meal, but at least you’d be able to eat it (unlike a Phoenix, a metaphorical Freebird, or a Blue Blazer). Robin Smith came from quite a wrestling background. Her father was a wrestler, her brother Sam Houston was a wrestler and her half brother is none other than Jake “The Snake” Roberts. Once she entered the WWF she was given the nickname “Rockin'” to play up the title of the Bobby Day song “Rockin’ Robin,” which implicitly ties her to the titular bird in the song. She also wore red tights and sported a gray coat on the way to the ring making her loosely look like a robin. She entered the WWF in 1987 and teamed up with The Fabulous Moohlah at the first Survivor Series. In October of 1988 she captured the WWF Women’s Championship from “Sensational” Sherri Martel in Paris. I’d say she had a successful multi-year run as champion, but by that point the WWF had pretty much abandoned the Women’s Division. So even though she held the title for over two years (before she left the WWF and the title was abandoned) it wasn’t exactly a successful reign. In fact her biggest claim to fame was butchering “America the Beautiful” at WrestleMania V, proving she wasn’t much of a “Rockin’ Robin” after all.

VI

Mr. Aguila

It’s said that Ben Franklin wanted the national bird to be a turkey. I wonder if the roles would have been reversed and we’d be eating eagles on Thanksgiving if he had got his way. Imagine sitting down to big-ass eagle dinner every November. While there’s no American wrestler named the Eagle there is a Mexican one named Mr. Aguila, which is Spanish for eagle. There’s not a whole lot to write about Aguila. He was brought into the WWF as a masked luchador at age 18, and battled TAKA Michinoku for the Light Heavyweight Title at WrestleMania XIV (the high point in the life of that championship). He’d win the title a few years later from Gillberg as Essa Rios and introduced the WWF to Lita. After he lost the title to Dean Malenko he had a brief feud with Eddie Guerrero before falling into obscurity and leaving the company in 2001. He returned to Mexico and wrestled for a few years as Mr. Aguila, had a brief foray into TNA and then returned to Mexico. While no bird stuff was worked into his costume or gimmick he does tend to gel his hair up like a cockatoo, so that has to count for something. Also, the name Aguila is certainly fitting for a wrestler that flies around the ring like he does.

V

Raven

Something tells me that a raven would make a pretty lousy Thanksgiving meal, but Raven makes for a pretty good wrestler. Raven’s gimmick has almost nothing to do with the bird, but has a lot to do with Edgar Allen Poe’s poem “The Raven.” Scott Levy debuted the character in 1995 in ECW as a highly manipulative sociopath who used many literary allusions in his interviews that frequently ended in him saying “Quoth the Raven, Nevermore.” He had a long feud with Tommy Dreamer and then an even more intense feud with Sandman. During this feud Raven brainwashed Sandman’s son and tied Sandman to a cross, crucifying him. Raven amassed a group of miscreant followers called Raven’s Nest and captured the ECW Title on two occasions. Finally, after years of losing to him, Tommy Dreamer defeated Raven in a “Loser Leaves ECW Match.” Raven then moved on to WCW where he could frequently be seen sitting in the front row, and occasionally attacking wrestlers. Once again Raven took to preying on the weak minded and formed a group called Raven’s Flock. With the Flock’s help he had a very short United States Title reign and a short reign as WCW Tag Team Champion. However, his abusive behavior toward his followers caused them to rebel. After a two year stint in WCW Raven returned to ECW where he won the Tag Team Titles with Tommy Dreamer, but quickly left for the WWF. Once in the WWF Raven won the WWF Hardcore Title (under 24/7 rules) a record 27 times. But outside of a Triple Threat Match against the Big Show and Kane at WrestleMania X-7 and a feud with Perry Saturn where he killed Saturn’s best friend Moppy, Raven didn’t do much. In 2003 he joined TNA and continued to form stables and eventually captured the NWA Title.

IV

Road Warrior Hawk

A hawk is a bird of prey, and while I’ve never eaten a hawk I’m sure one would be big enough for a good-sized Thanksgiving feast (although I think it would be sinewy). Hawk, along with Animal formed The Road Warriors, one of the greatest tag teams of all time. The duo were massively built and acted like they were practically impervious to pain. Their trademark look consisted of face paint and football shoulder pads adorned with large spikes. Hawk was the funny one of the team and always had something goofy to say about their opponents and began every interview with a long drawn out “Well” and ended them with the catch phrase “Oh, What a Rush!” They were successful everywhere they went winning all sorts of tag team championships including the NWA National, NWA International, AWA, NWA World, and WWF Tag Team Titles. Through most of it they relied on their devastating finishing move “The Doomsday Device” to put the kibosh on their opponents. It was here that Hawk earned his name, as Animal would hoist a victim on top of his shoulders and Hawk would fly off the top rope and clothesline the victim who would then crash to the mat. Hawk was more of a badass than a wrestler with a bird gimmick, but in the early days of the team Hawk painted a birdlike image on his face to play up his name. Hawk passed away in 2003.

III

“The Birdman” Koko B. Ware

While he had some limited success outside of the WWF it wasn’t until he joined the WWF that he became the “The Birdman,” and thus eligible for the honor of being on this list. This guy was about as close to having a legitimate bird gimmick as anyone on the list outside of the number one entry. He entered the ring to Morris Day and the Time’s “The Bird” flapping his arms like a bird, wearing bright parrot like colors and carrying Frankie, his pet macaw. Something tells me that parrot wouldn’t make for a very good turkey substitute. However, preparing a parrot might be interesting and most certainly would be colorful. Koko was little more than a glorified jobber, he was good enough to beat the “guy in red tights” kinds of jobbers, but the minute you put him in the ring with some who actually had a recognizable name you knew it would only be a matter of time before he was looking up at the lights. However, he was still very popular and was even allowed to record the title track to WWF’s album “Piledriver,” and made it on to several WWF pay per views. In 1992 he teamed with Owen Hart to form the jobber tag team High Energy, but the duo didn’t last long. Despite losing most of his matches Koko was inducted into the Hall of Fame this past year.

II

The Red Rooster

If you can’t have turkey on Thanksgiving you might decide to have a chicken instead. And nothing says “awesome wrestler” like the word “chicken,” or in this case “rooster.” Terry “The Red Rooster” Taylor may have had just a bit more of a bird gimmick than Koko B. Ware. Taylor was actually a very accomplished wrestler in the NWA, but when he came to the WWF he was given the moronic gimmick of playing a guy who acted like a rooster. He would bob his head, and rooster strut and scratch his feet on the mat. He also sported an 80s style fauxhawk that was died red (this poor guy had a fauxhawk and mullet, meaning he had two awesomely bad haircuts rolled into one). Somehow The Red Rooster was supposed to get over as a heel and was paired up with Bobby Heenan. Aside from the chicken gimmick he also was a loser who couldn’t wrestle a match without constantly asking Heenan what to do next. His idiocy cost him almost every match he wrestled. Finally Heenan got fed up with him and the Rooster turned face, and beat Heenan in a match at WrestleMania V, and then had an epic feud with the Brooklyn Brawler. As a side note, WrestleMania V was bird central, as it had Rooster, Rockin’ Robin, The Blue Blazer, and Koko B. Ware. Mercifully, The Rooster’s tenure was short lived, but poor Taylor never fully recovered from the gimmick.

I

Gobbledy Gooker

I don’t think I need to elaborate on this entry at all, but here it goes. Unquestionably the best bird gimmick of all time is the Gobbledy Gooker. How could it not be? It’s a guy in a fucking giant turkey costume! Just looking at him makes me want to dig out the Thanksgiving leftovers from the fridge. The Gooker, pronounced “Gook-er” with the emphasis on the racial slur (contrary to what Vince McMahon was feeding into Cole and Lawler’s headsets this past Raw to avoid possibly offending anyone) has only made three appearances. At Survivor Series 1990 he hatched from his giant egg and danced with Mean Gene Okerlund. It was immediately obvious that the gimmick was the dumbest thing the WWF had ever come up with (made only worse by his racial slur referencing name) and wasn’t seen again until the WrestleMania X-7 Gimmick Battle Royal where he was the second one eliminated. Hector Guerrero portrayed the Gooker on both occasions. Just this past week the Gooker made his/her third appearance and inspired me to write this column (another indicator of how awful the Gobbledy Gooker is). This time Maryse portrayed the Gooker and used it as a cover to beat down Diva’s Champion Melina.

If you made it all the way through this list I would like to offer you my most heartfelt apologies.