The SD! Highlight Reel: 04.07.05

The SD! Highlight Reel
04.07.05
Taped from: San Diego, CA
Hosts: Michael Cole, Tazz & Friends

Welcome all to the post-WrestleMania edition of the preeminent program to air on Thursday nights,

WWE SmackDown!

And we kick things off with J. Bradshaw Layfield …. sans the limousine? JBL trots out to the ring in a very DISTRAUGHT manner, with a snarl around his mouth as wide as the Red River.

“I have shown over the past year, by defeating opponent after opponent, that I am the greatest WWE Champion of all time; and I will be known in history as such. I allowed you people to marvel at my greatness, and after all I did for you, you repaid me at WrestleMania by cheering a piece of white trash like John Cena. I am a wrestling god. You do NOT disrespect your gods. John Cena left this very ring last week in handcuffs; that is what you have as your champion. A common low-life thug who, quite frankly, is not even in my league.”

*Crowd Interrupts*

“You people listen to me! I am a once in a lifetime performer. I do not ride off into the sunset that easily; you need me as your champion. I will get my rematch….”

Eddie Guerrero!! JBL is having nothing of Eddie tonight, claiming he doesn’t have a green card for him, so Eddie may as well scamper on out of the ring. Eddie counters by claiming the only thing the crowd needs is for Layfield to shut up. Furthermore, if he wants the Title back he’s going to have to go through one man first … Eddie Guerrero!

Can you dig it … Sucka!! Booker instructs us to “hold the damn phone,” while explaining how both JBL and Guerrero can step behind him in the proverbial #1 Contender’s line, amidst a chorus of “EDDIE!” chants. After all, he is the “five time, five time, five time….”

WELLL…. Now Big Show decides he needs to get in on this post-WM Challenger business, but before he can barely get a complete phrase out….

WHO’S THAT JUMPIN’ … Rey Mysterio! Eddie has quite an incredulous look on his face at this one, wondering why Rey has decided to come out amongst the behemoths of SmackDown! Layfield tells him to speak in English, so Rey obliges. He thinks that if Eddie is going to challenge for Cena’s Belt, then why shouldn’t his fellow tag team champion, Rey Mysterio?

YOU SUCK!! Whoa! Kurt Angle is in the building, and he can’t believe what he’s hearing. First of all, Eddie, Bradshaw, and Big Show all lost at WM. As for Booker, he wasn’t even on the show. And Rey — well — to be WWE Champion, one has to at least be an adult.

Angle goes on to say that the night of WM, he was arrested in Hollywood …. for “stealing the show, BABY!! OHH IT’S TRUE!!”

Bradshaw has finally had enough, going off on everyone! He is on a level the lot of them cannot even fathom! Everyone get out of his ring!!

Theodore R. Long steps out to lay some order down on this mess. First thing, this ain’t JBL’s ring – it’s Teddy Long’s. Secondly, JBL is forgetting a little clause that was missing in the contract for his Championship Bout with Cena …. a rematch clause! Turns out JBL was so confident he’d beat Cena, he never ensured himself a rematch! Thus, if Bradshaw is going to want another shot at the Title, he’s going to have to earn it. This goes for everyone else, as well, although the festivities will start off with a matchup TONIGHT … in THIS VERY RING …..

JBL vs. San Diego’s own, Rey Mysterio, Jr.!

Commercials:

-“I’m gonna stay on you like white girls on NBA players!”
-ehh?
-You know, if that wasn’t overtly racist, I don’t know what is.

Match #1: Singles Contest for the Cruiserweight Championship of the WWE: Paul London (c) vs. Billy Kidman

Chavo Guerrero, Jr. joins Tazz & Cole on the mic, explaining how everyone conspired against him in last week’s Cruiserweight Battle Royale, and how he is the first Cruiserweight Champion to lose the Title having never been defeated for it. Simply put, Paul London cannot beat him.

London stomps on the mat to start, but walks into about half a dozen right hands by Kidman … Paul off the ropes, pair of arm drags to Kidman, who comes back with a quick neckbreaker for 2. Mounted forearms by Kidman just fly furiously all over the back of London’s head, and Billy follows it up by choking London out against the bottom rope, and sending a couple kicks to the large of his back. Kidman whips London into the NE corner and walks all over his exposed back. Seven knees to the face inhibit any kind of possible London comeback, as Kidman poses to the crowd.

That was the wrong move, however, as London notches a couple right hands to Billy’s gut, then nine wild clubbing shots to both sides of London’s head … ohhhh Kidman just tosses London out of the ring silly, where he lands FLAT ON HIS NECK. Back inside Kidman gets 2, as London has been busted open … London fights back with a quick elbow … HURRICANRANA .. Single leg dropkick! 1 … 2 …. 2.44! Elbow from Kidman to London, off the ropes … dropkick from Billy! …… 2!! Man, there is a TON of blood on the mat, emanating from Paul’s cut across the forehead. London gets back to his feet, landing myriad lefts and rights to every part of Kidman’s torso ….. Referee Charles Robinson stops the bout, asking if London wants to continue, out of fear of the enormous gash on this face …. London answers emphatically by running at Kidman wholesale …. Ohhhh bad move, BK Bomb by Kidman!! He wants the Shooting Star …. but stops to work London’s bloody forehead. London turns the tide here, getting up on the top rope …. 450 … no! Kidman moves, but London aborts the maneuver in mid-flight! … roll-up by London! 1 …. 2…… 3!!

Afterwards, Chavo hits the ring as he and Billy beat down a defenseless Paul London. Chavo lays in some good licks on the exposed forehead, as Paul crumbles down in a heap of his championship self.

Commercials:

-Don’t forget, Ultimate Fighter finals air live Saturday night on SpikeTV
-Ken Shamrock’s even going to fight! And it’s LIVE!
-So much for ‘Velocity’

Members of the San Diego [Super] Chargers are at ringside!

Highlight package of WrestleMania airs; this is the same clip that kicked off RAW this past Monday night.

Backstage, Luther Reigns informs everyone, “I told you so.” Of course Akebono was going to defeat the Big Show; anyone could see that. All Show did was embarrass the SmackDown! locker room. Reigns imitates Show, resulting in much laughter and reveling on the part of random SD! heels, but is soon interrupted by Show, who challenges Reigns to a match …. Tonight!

Elsewhere, Torrie Wilson prepares for a Bikini Contest!

Commercials:

-“The new Triple X has got to have more attitude”
-Ice Cube? Yeah, I think he fits the bill
-Especially since Vin Diesel is stuck playing some kind of nanny nowadays

Match #2: Singles Contest: Big Show vs. Luther Reigns

Show starts with a toe kick to Reigns’ gut, and forces him into the SW corner where he just waylays Luther with numerous kicks and overhand slaps. Reigns bails where Show gets the upper hand on Reigns, shoving him into the safety barrier. Back inside, Wight continues to exert control over this bout, maintaining his staple STRIKING offence. Show shoves Reigns into the NW corner … BUTT SPLASH! …. Show wants the Chokeslam .. Reigns can’t see him …. He walks right into it! CHOKESLAM!! 1….. 2 …….. 3!

Commercials:

-Rockstar presents … Midnight Club III: DUB Edition
-Man, that’s like 0.73 on the Birdman “yearns” scale
-I still want to know how George Strait can possibly have “ocean-front property in Arizona”

John Cena makes his first appearance as WWE Champion, to kick off Hour #2 of our show, and THANK GOODNESS he hasn’t tricked out the Belt ….. yet.

Wearing Dave Winfield retro-Padres gear, Cena gets on the stick and I bet you can guess what his first statement is gonna be …. “The Champ is here.”

That elicits an ovation from the crowd, who had already begun a furtive “CENA” chant.

John begins talking anew, this time exerting a very calm and controlled demeanor, a departure from his usual character. He runs through all Layfield’s marquee Title defences in the past year, lists them all in laundry-style fashion, and then decries all the critics critiques of him: he doesn’t respect the business, he’s no better than the fans he fights for, he doesn’t dress like a Champion, etc.

The disrespect, though, he won’t take too much umbrage to … asking us to take a long … LAST … look at the WWE Championship Belt, he proclaims that if what he did to the United States belt was revolutionary, we can’t even conceive of what he’ll do to the most coveted Title in the industry.

At this point, Cena walks out into the crowd, informing us that he won the WWE Championship for all of us — the impoverished, the sickly, the ill-mannered — the Chain Gang. Finally, the Champ is truly here.

Commercials:

-Upcoming SmackDown! schedule; feel the action & intensity: Melbourne, AUS; Perth, AUS; Adelaide, AUS; Chicago, IL; New York, NY. An experience like no other.
-I was reading a message board the other day, where this guy posts a new thread proclaiming that if Cena’s new theme song isn’t included in WrestleMania 21 for the Xbox (coming out April 19), then he won’t purchase the game.
-I thought it was the funniest post I’d read all year.

Kurt Angle calmly strolls to the ring, passing by the illustrious John Cena, who is just now making his way to the back after celebrating with the fans all commercial break …. foreshadowing perhaps?

Kurt gets on the mic, instructing Cena to enjoy his run at the top because Kurt will make him tap quicker than you can say “fluke champion.” Just before he left the back, GM Teddy Long informed Kurt that next week on SD! he will be facing Eddie Guerrero, giving him just the opportunity he needs to prove himself worthy of the #1 Contendership to John Cena’s Title, where he will then, once again, claim the WWE Championship as his own. “Word freakin’ Life!”

Ha ha! That line was awesome.

Match #3: Kurt Angle Invitational Singles Contest: Kurt Angle vs. Jose Gonzales

Kurt blindsides Gonzales with a clubbing forearm to the side of the head … ANGLE SLAM! … ANOTHER!! …… Kurt goes straight to the Ankle Lock, where Gonzales taps with GREAT VIGOR at 0:36.

After the match, Kurt asks Jose to tell Eddie the Spanish translation for “unbearable pain.” At this point, Angle slams the stick down on the mat directly in front of Gonzales’ face, slaps on the ANKLE LOCK, and the building immediately fills with the hysterical screams of one unfortunate young man. Angle picks the mic back up and informs us all that after next week, the REAL Champ is here.

Cole believes Eddie Guerrero is running into a veritable buzz saw in the form of Kurt Angle, come next week in Chicago, Ill.

Commercials:

-“A lot of people are going to die because of [Veronica Mars]“
-Hey, I may criticize UPN programming, but even I won’t go that far.

Backstage new announcer Rivera is standing by with Carlito Caribbean Cool. He says that everyone was surprised to see Carlito on Piper’s Pit; what gives?

Carlito says that Piper’s Pit was getting pretty boring, so he decided to come out and show Roddy and Steve how entertainment is really done. This extends to next week, as well, where Carlito will debut his new talk show!

Carlito then asks Rivera if the thinks he’s cool, and our new friend answers in the affirmative … until Carlito threatens him with the Apple of Doom! Rivera quickly reverses his opinion of himself, and thus avoids the dreaded apple shot!

Elsewhere, Eddie meets up with Rey in his locker room. Rey states that this is his time, his place, right here in the 619! Eddie recognizes that, but cautions Rey on underestimating his opponents. Rey reminds Eddie of the result from Sunday, and says that later on tonight, JBL had best watch out!

Commercials:

-The Alcohol / Drug Council of North Carolina reminds me that I mustn’t drink in order to have a good time
-Finally, a simple anti-drug and alcohol commercial that isn’t either pushy, repulsive, or too cute for its own good

Gratuitous Segment #1: Bikini Contest, with Host Michael Cole

Miss Jackie comes down in a white / black / pink checkered string bikini, and parades around the ring for a bit until ….

Dawn Marie strolls down in gangster hat, pink dress tie, pinstripe coat, and garter belt. Of course, this merely covers up a pink / black bikini, which Dawn is not shy to reveal.

Lastly, Torrie Wilson strides to the ring, revealing a pastel / black polka dot bikini … are they just trying to see what horrible outfits Miss Wilson can wear, and STILL win the contests?

Now it’s time for San Diego to vote on … whoa!!! Here come three leading members of Larry Csonka’s Bimbo Brigade! Led by Joy Giovanni, these three gals proclaim themselves the “new blood on SmackDown!” and proceed to show off their wares. After Joy comes Lauren Jones and Michelle McCool, who give less-than inspiring introductions of themselves. Tazz gets in a good line here, as Miss Giovanni shakes her rump, and states “I didn’t know that thing could do that.” Torrie Wilson takes honours here, once again.

Commercials:

-That Jade Empire commercial just netted at least $53.49 for Bioware & Microsoft, as my friends tells me he’s now purchasing it
-Of course, I pre-ordered it months ago
-“You’re doomed”
-Yeah, like that’s gonna convince me to buy your game

Match #4: Singles Contest: Rey Mysterio, Jr. vs. John Bradshaw Layfield w/ Heavyweight Champion of the United States, Orlando Jordan

Fans chant “6 1 9” … Rey dances around a bit, dodging numerous ill-fated charges by Layfield, before ducking out to the floor. JBL gives chase, following Rey right back in … oh, even before he gets in, Mysterio with a Baseball slide to the chin! That enrages JBL, as he catches Mysterio in the SE corner, regaling him with myriad clubbing blows to the back, but Mysterio comes back with a stun gun on the ropes! Drops the DIME! 1 ….. 2……. 2.54!! JBL regains his composure here, clubbing Mysterio’s back without sympathy … he goes for the Powerbomb … Mysterio punches his way out, as both men collide to the outside! Mysterio back in, where Jordan attempts to insert himself in the contest, but now HE catches a baseball slide!

Inside, Rey grabs a sleeper hold on Layfield, with both his legs wrapped around JBL’s waist …. Will JBL falter? Can he stay up? Ohhhh standing snapmare to Mysterio .. Irish Whip by JBL … no, Mysterio hangs onto the ropes … JBL couldn’t care less, as he simply clubs Mysterio a bit and then whips him … Shoulder Block … 1 …… 2!! JBL forces Rey against the ropes, choking him out alternately with Referee Brian Hebner’s counts of five. Cover by Layfield gets 2; Rey slowly fights out now with 8 punches to the gut, but a quick thumb to the eye puts the quash on that mini-rally. JBL sets Mysterio atop the SW turnbuckle …. SUPER LAST CALL!@!!! 1 ……… 2 ………….. ….. ……… foot on the rope!~! Bradshaw is literally PAINED by his failing to get the pin there. Whip to Mysterio, Big Boo … Mysterio ducks! But Bradshaw doesn’t miss twice, BIG BOOT! 1 ….. 2 ……. 2.78!! Both men hit the floor now, where Bradshaw chops a knife into Mysterio’s chest, dropping the dimunitive Californian to the floor, before tossing him back in the ring. Jordan cheap shots Mysterio whilst Lil’ Heb’s back is turned, and JBL grabs Rey-Rey in a Bearhug …. We can see the pain, simply pouring out of every nerve and muscle in Mysterio’s face … he has no recourse but to BITE Bradshaw! It does the trick, though, as JBL breaks the hold … pin by JBL! 1 …… 2 ….. 2.27! SPINEBUSSTAA@!! Bradshaw covers …. 1 …… 2…… 2.69! Mysterio struggling to get to his feet … attempting gut punches, but they only come up to JBL’s knees … Rey tries to kick his way up, right foot to Layfield’s left thigh …. It’s all for naught, however, as Rey ends up slung over in the NE corner, then getting tossed over to the SW corner like a sack of cracked rocks … JBL places Mysterio atop the turnbuckle, seeking a Super Back drop ….. Mysterio counters! JBL’s off the turnbuckle! STANDING MOONSAULT! 1 ….. 2…….. … 2.88!! Mysterio follows up with his attack with kicks to JBL’s knee, trying to take away the big man’s vertical base … Tilt-a-Whirl Headscissors by Rey! JBL wants the Last Call, but Rey reverses it into a DDT!! Drop Toehold …… 6! 1! ….. Ohhhh Orlando Jordan breaks it up! Out comes Eddie, who GOES TO TOWN on Jordan … back inside, Drop Toehold #2 to Layfield …… 6! … 1! …… 9!!! Springboard Buttdrop@! 1 ……. 2 ………… …… ……. Eddie breaks up the count?!?/!??

Layfield is announced as winner of the bout, just in time for the Bashams to come in and clean house on both Eddie & Rey, as we end yet another show with a vigorous heel beatdow….

WHAT?? John Cena is here! F-U’s all around for the Bashams! Cena stands centre ring, and stares down the retreating John Bradshaw Layfield as . we .. fade … to .… black.