wrestling / Columns
The Seventh Dimension 03.21.08: Teeming With Potential
A lot is often made of tag team wrestling’s decline in today’s climate. While the likes of the Midnight Express and the Road Warriors are long since passed, it’s not unreasonable to be disappointed by the relative lack of depth on offer within the mainstream tag ranks. When I first got really into wrestling, around the turn of the century (or a year before, depending on when you consider the transition), the Dudleys vs. Hardys vs. Edge & Christian three-way feud was beginning to pick up a head of steam. Much has been said about their trio of ladder matches and how great they were, and there’s no disputing that. But there was also the crazy Hardys/E&C cage match at Unforgiven 2000, the very entertaining ‘Los Conquistadors’ plot-line, and the fun E&C/Dudleys match at Royal Rumble 2001. While it’s true that almost everything in the WWF at the time was of a high standard, the tag division in particular seemed particularly strong. Hell, in Right To Censor they had a bona-fide faction, which is pretty much inconceivable now unless it’s an Evolution deal that involves main-eventers.
Flash forward to 2008, and we have a very different situation. While WWE successfully managed to split its World Heavyweight Championship into two splintered titles of equal merit, the tag division has gone the opposite way. The company now has twice as many sets of tag belts as they did back in the aforementioned glory period, but seemingly have far fewer viable contenders for them. And it’s not a matter of simply spreading out their teams among both championships – there are actually NOT AS MANY TEAMS as there were back when there was just the one prize for them to go for. It certainly hasn’t always been this way – the Smackdown Six of five years ago gave us some of the best tag action in recent memory, and MNM’s clashes with London and Kendrick in 2006 gave many hope, as did the early days of the Hardys’ feud with Cade and Murdoch last year. But, right now, it’s an utter shambles, and Raw and Smackdown combined can’t boast as many adequate competitors in their tag team scene as there were when WWE was just one brand. TNA, for all its flaws, has a more respectable tag environment and Championship than the united worth of WWE’s two sorry efforts.
So why do I choose now, a week before Wrestlemania which is not even scheduled to host either championships on its show, to discuss the tag team scene? Well, it’s not for the reason that most people have been – i.e. the contemptible lack of such a match on the biggest show of the year. Let’s face it, the problem has been in effect for years now, and one appearance at pay-per-view level is not going to make any difference. It requires weeks and months of rebuilding before we can ever take them seriously again, although at least Smackdown is trying by having Miz and Morrison actually defend the damn things occasionally.
What I’m focusing on is the reparation and, although this is a bit of fun at heart, some of these suggestions would most definitely be worth considering if WWE is resolute in even keeping the division alive. I have mulled over seven(th dimension~!) new teams that I think would be worth experimenting with. – three from Raw, two from Smackdown/ECW, and one that is (theoretically) currently separated by the brand split. And the first one I’m going to look at is the one that we’ve actually just seen experimented with.
RF-U (RAW)
Members: John Cena and Randy Orton
Face/heel alignment: Whatever the fans decide (probably face initially)
Gimmicks: Two of the modern greats, former champions with other partners, now want to be fighting tag team champions to send a message to WWE Champion Triple H while he feuds with fresh faces like Kennedy and – as a very long shot – a returning Jeff Hardy until Cena or Orton get their individual chances at redemption.
Double-team finisher: F-U-style Flapjack by Cena into an RKO by Orton
Reason for this team: The news that Orton and Cena would take on the ‘entire’ Raw roster last Monday was rightly greeted with a bit of concern. After all, neither man was going to get any more over from it, it made several jobbers look like…well, jobbers, and it was all just part of a story to make Triple H seem better than them. However, one thing is for sure – Orton and Cena made a hell of a team. The way they worked the tags, they way they each knew when to come in and cooperate with each other, the sweetness of the quick-fire F-Us’ and RKOs’, and of course that swank double-team RKO spot. The chemistry was amazing, so much so that I marked out and was quickly touting that ‘Rated F-U’ was the way forward. Of course, that doesn’t make sense since it was EDGE in the ‘Rated RKO’ tandem that brought the “Rated” quota to that name. Luckily, I wasn’t the only one to make that mistake, which is scant consolation. But anyway, if Raw decides that they want to give the main event a facelift while also adding some much-needed legitimacy to their World tag titles, this would definitely be the way to go about it. Thinking about the seamed music makes me smile, as well. “HEY! You can’t see me, nothing’s gonna change, my time is now! Now it’s time to shine, it’s the franchise, take what’s mine!” Totally weapon.
The Showstoppers (RAW)
Members: Chris Jericho and Shawn Michaels
Face/heel alignment: Probably face at first, but they’d HAVE to turn heel eventually.
Gimmicks: The Icon and The Protégé. Doesn’t need much more than that.
Double-team finisher: Elbow Drop by Michaels in synch with Jericho’s Lionsault
Reason for this team: If you don’t wish to see these guys team up, I can only assume you’re brain-damaged like my brother is. We saw what they’re capable of as opponents at Wrestlemania XIX, and it was one of the most overlooked matches in the event’s stories history. It had the misfortune of being the first in a string of five consecutive very decent, very heated matches to close the show, but it was main-event worthy to say the least. Since Jericho plied his trade as a result of growing up watching Shawn Michaels, the similarities were quite spooky and, as I read elsewhere on this site, it really was very close to seeing the Shawn Michaels of today take on the Shawn Michaels of the mid-nineties. I’ve wanted these guys to team up as heels ever since, because I think most of us are unified in thinking that both men work better as dicks than as heroes. Obviously it’s all moot, because they and RF-U would all be tweeners anyway in this ‘shades of grey’ world. But they still need direction, a set plan, and the over-confident opportunist role suits Y2J and HBK down to the ground. The only sad thing is, with the state of the main-event scene and Jeff Hardy’s suspension, having both this team AND Orton/Cena would almost certainly cause a huge rift in the upper-card. Still, once WWE had pulled their finger out and pushed a few others into the World title picture to make up for it (Punk, Kennedy, Umaga if he stayed on Raw, and JBL), these two duos could provide us with a never-ending flow of happiness. Well, for a few months at least.
The Second Coming (Raw)
Members: D.H. Smith and Cody Rhodes
Face/heel alignment: Face
Gimmicks: Sons of two legends enjoying a friendly game of one-upmanship, whilst also being an ethical and coherent collaboration.
Double-team finisher: Double Powerslam or Double Brainbuster
Reason for this team: Dusty Rhodes’s son Cody is already one half of the World Tag Team Champions with Hardcore Holly, so he has the kayfabe pedigree to earn the belts again once their reign is over. Holly is now needed in a role where he can enhance other talents, and he’s not doing that by being part of a team that’s basically invulnerable right now. Cody’s got a good chance of making it on his own, but I doubt he’s ready just yet, especially with the current climate of the heavyweight title scene. He might do well with the IC title, but I actually think he’s better off tagging right now. Now, Harry Smith is another man trying to make a name for himself in the profession his father, the British Bulldog, plied his trade in. However, the lad has stalled due to breaching the Wellness Policy very shortly after his television debut, and is lucky to even have losing efforts right now. He’s clearly not the sort of person the WWE wants to carry a singles’ title, and he’s not well-known enough yet with the ‘casual fan’ to be a perceivable mid-card threat even without a title on the line. Easiest solution to both problems? Have him team with Cody. Harry now has something to do that he can be positive about, Cody’s current status is not undermined and in fact might aid it as he becomes seen as a tag team ‘specialist’, and the World Tag Team Championship is given a needed rub as Cody is so desperate to win it back.
MNM 3 (Smacdown/ECW)
Members: John Morrison, Mike Mizanin, and Jamie Noble
Face/heel alignment: Heel
Gimmicks: Three intensely nauseating but talented bastards, using the ‘Freebird rule’ while tag champions.
Double-team finisher: The ones Miz and Morrison already use, and something else when Noble’s fighting.
Reason for this team: Morrison, the former ‘N’ in the original MNM funnily enough, mentioned that his partnership with the Miz was basically MNM 2 despite the lack of an ‘N’. I guess the N stands for ‘and’, now. But, if it was decided that a three-person team would be good for the division, a lot worse could be done than adding Jamie Noble to the equation. Jamie is currently a jobber to the stars, when he’s lucky, so it’s not like there are any hurdles for him to get past. He’s literally doing nothing, which is insane. Plus, he was screwed out of his last chance in the tag division when Kid Kash, his partner in the Pit Bulls, got himself fired for being a prick. Miz and Morrison don’t exactly NEED to be freshened up, but it couldn’t harm them to add another card to their deck. Noble’s a plucky babyface right now, but he could turn again in the blink of an eye and blame it on being humiliated week after week. I’m not sure how they’d explain his sudden decision to start teaming with Miz and Morrison, though…or why the protective tag champions would be so eager to allow him to share their glory. But that can be worked on, I’m sure. In the end, it gives Noble a purpose, adds more intrigue to the team, and will lead to possibly an even more explosive pay-off once it eventually disintegrates and they start feuding. Plus, it allows the team to continue (presumably under a different name) with just Miz and Noble once they decide to push Morrison once more.
2 Count (Smacdown/ECW)
Members: Kofi Kingston and Gregory Helms
Face/heel alignment: Face
Gimmicks: They’ll kick out of anything (hence the name), and they’ll just beat you down because they can.
Double-team finisher: Backdrop Suplex/Shining Wizard combo
Reason for this team: Like Noble, Kofi is basically just turning up. He’s new to the show, so obviously I’m not expecting him to immediately be chasing the upper echelons of the show, but there’s only so far you can EVER go by having him pin jobbers in three minutes and team with Kelly Kelly. I haven’t even seen him take any kind of heat segment, yet. So, if the WWE wants to continue his push while also lending another hot-property prospect to the tag scene, Kofi could be the man they need. Gregory Helms fits into this because he’s currently recuperating from his neck surgery, and when he returns you’d think it likely that the fans will be somewhat pleased to see him again (those who still remember who he is, anyway). However, he no longer has the Cruiserweight title to go for, and we can all safely assume that he’s likely never getting anywhere near even the US title belt or the ECW belt. So, what do? Have him team with Kofi. It’s not the most obvious pairing on the surface, but it works in the same way many past teams have. Gregory’s the more experienced, more mat-based worker of the two, who can play face-in-peril until Kofi comes in to hit all his signature offence and please the crowd. Think of them as like Jesse and Festus, except the gimmick isn’t as funny and Kofi doesn’t suck. As for the name, ‘2 Count’ was the only thing I could think of, due to Helms’s team ‘3 Count’ in WCW. That team had Shannon Moore in it, so a program involving Kofi/Helms and Moore/Yang could see the light of day at some point if the booking’s right.
Hell’s Manglers (Smackdown/ECW)
Members: Ken Doane, Chuck Palumbo, and Victoria
Face/heel alignment: Heel
Gimmicks: Chuck and Victoria are psychos, Ken’s just a bellend with a mean streak.
Double-team finisher: That finisher Chuck does followed by an immediate top-rope leg drop from Kenny.
Reason for this team: Where is Kenny ‘Dykstra’ Doane? Seriously, where is he? I was never one who bought into the whole “Ken Doane is the face of the future” hyperbole from two years back, but what’s the point in even hiring the guy if he’s not used at all? He’s not even on ECW! Such a waste of a decent raw talent. The rebuilding process starts here, as he is a former tag champion on the red brand, so he has the experience. Chuck Palumbo is enjoying a decent mid-card spell, including a good losing effort against Kane recently, so he immediately sparks at least a BIT of interest. Plus, he seems to work best in teams (Natural Born Thrillers, Billy and Chuck), so it may actually be for the best unless they’re planning on a US title run for him this year. And Victoria is an insane bitch, one who’ll knock your teeth down your throat if you look at her cleavage, so her inclusion would be all kinds of fun. This team would also work from a continuity standpoint – Kenny was hanging around with Victoria recently, and Chuck hates Michelle McCool who is one of Victoria’s rivals. Chuck and Kenny don’t have much history together, aside from the several low-key matches they had last year of which Chuck won the lot. I don’t think that would be much of a problem, though. It can just hinge on the “Chuck and Victoria both hate Michelle McCool and Kenny’s Victoria’s friend” aspect.
The Three Generos (Currently inter-brand)
Members: Gene Snitsky, Mike Knox, and Kevin Thorn
Face/heel alignment: Heel
Gimmicks: Comic relief idiots.
Double-team finisher: Some sort of three-way Sidewalk Slam, I guess.
Reason for this team: All joking aside, it’s very clear that the three are never going to get anywhere as singles competitors. Nor, importantly, do they deserve to. However, I don’t think any of them are beyond hope, and could do very well as another three-man team who help each other to singles victories but keep robbing themselves of tag wins due to being such jokes. Think the Mean Street Posse, and they had their place. They were the comedy jobbers, friends of Shane McMahon. Heck, remember the Spirit Squad? They were like that, as well. Snitsky, Knox and Thorn could be the same. An angle where they’re hired security for Commissioner William Regal, but even Regal can tell they suck. Snitsky proved he can do well as the pitiful oaf during his “It wasn’t my fault!” days, so there’s no reason he can’t do it again. The others would need good writers, unless they have untapped humour-tanks. Anything that sees these guys have a sense of reason, while keeping them as far away from regular one-on-one matches as humanly achievable, must be worth contemplating.
So there we are. Seven proposals, brainchildren if you will, glistening in the glowing warmth of society’s hesitance to accept them. Or something. In any case, it was worth a go and I’ll certainly be creating a good number of ‘stables’ on Smackdown vs. Raw next time I’ve been to the pub. Classic.
I’ve looked at the prospective new teams that could be formed if WWE wished to, but the chances are that they DON’T want to risk shuffling the separate tiers on the chance that they can save their ailing tag conditions. If that’s the case, I have a few other offers that might just do the trick, and probably with far more long-term positives.
• Utilise your current teams better. It’s all good and well claiming your titles are prestigious and represent the World, but unless they’re defended regularly against a broad selection of opponents who at least FEIGN some sort of passion to win them, they’re no such thing. This is aimed much more at Raw’s tag title scene, because Smackdown and ECW do make a big deal out of Miz and Morrison and have them put the belts on the line against many teams in what are often excellent television matches. What does Raw do? Place Cody Rhodes in a singles’ program with Carlito on Heat, while the former champions Cade and Murdoch are continuously buried and Holly is missing in action. It’s not on.
• Amalgamate the two championships. The World Heavyweight Championship, as I mentioned earlier, was spliced into two titles of the same prestige (incidentally, I’ll be looking into this in more detail after Wrestlemania). The tag team championships have, sadly, lost so much value that I couldn’t even be bothered the hold down the Shift key just then when I should have used capitals. The only way I can see to make the division mean something again is to retire the WWE Tag Team Championship – the ones on Smackdown, that were implemented in 2002 – and have all the teams set on the same goal. Which goes hand in hand with the next point…
• Focus tag team wrestling on just one of the main shows, rather than trying to drape it across the whole week. It seems obvious to me that, with the Cruiserweight title now defunct and the Smackdown/ECW talent merger allowing a larger radius of feasible feuds and matches, the tag division should be exclusive to the blue brand. Raw simple doesn’t care about pushing their teams, because they’re too busy poaching the highest-commodity singles’ stars. Moving the tag scene away from Raw altogether would actually benefit Raw as well, as Raw is seen as the slightly more storyline-driven of the brands and they can concentrate on that instead. Plus, it technically evens both Raw and Smackdown with three championships each, and that may cause WWE to put some time into reestablishing the Womens’ division as well. Everyone’s a winner. Speaking of the word ‘division’, though…
• This is by far the most imperative step necessary for WWE’s tag division to thrive in the future. Decide which wrestlers are in which so-called divisions, and actually DIVIDE them thus. I touched on this in my TNA series a few months back, and the opinion still stands firm. There is absolutely NO point in pretending that each person has his or her own distinct attributes (i.e. heavyweight, light-heavyweight, tag expert, being a woman, etc), if you are then going to create a very linear ladder system in which one is always better than the other regardless of the context. This is something that not everybody understands, yet it seems so simple – you need to have workers of a different stature at EVERY level of the business. You need to have winning heavyweights AND losing heavyweights, winning teams AND losing teams, all assigned their own role that is unique to them. What is certainly NOT needed is a patronising hierarchical structure where a heavyweight will constantly defeat two men of equal size to him without breaking a sweat, and a thrown-together pair of guys feuding with each other who will win the belts only for one of them to deliberately throw the match and lose them again lest they forget what really matters. There’s a reason why Olympic swimmers aren’t competing in the Coxless Four, and it’s because that’s not what suits them. Likewise, you wouldn’t expect to see Matthew Pinsent get into an argument with Michael Phelps, challenge him to a race in the 200m Butterfly, and demolish the world record despite having his trunks pulled down by Ian Crocker as he was diving. Naturally, orchestrated wrestling is VERY different from this, but there’s still an element of logic that just HAS to be adhered to. WWE are not really doing this at the moment in regards to their tag teams. It’s a damn shame.
Tag team wrestling has a long history behind it and, partially due to its quality and partially due to its present-day counterpart being so lackluster in comparison, the old guard is often renowned as the bee’s knees. However, if WWE were willing to pull their finger out, there is every reason to believe that the future could be just as enjoyable, if not more so.
Whether or not they ARE up to the task is another matter entirely.
Well, fiddle my diddle. Did we see an Intercontinental title match on Raw? And it was the second consecutive week that such a thing occurred! What a sight to behold. Not only that, but it had genuine HEAT going into it! Obviously, Jericho was retaining and this was merely a way to make Big Show seem like a wall of pain heading into Wrestlemania. But that’s besides the point. What matters is, the title was the focus of the match, and played directly into the ending because Jericho was so adamant that he would keep hold of it. A very good sign, in my view.
Colin Delaney was actually quite over in his match with Chavo. They’re obviously making him ‘Whipwreck, Vol. 2′, which I have no problem with since many will have never experienced the original. Including myself, in fact.
It’s been a good week for Santino. First of all, he punks Jerry Lawler for the fun of it and steals his sandwich. The “Haha, you lose!” jibe he sneaked in as he ran away was pure gold, as well. If only he was better in the ring, he could be the next Christian Cage. That is, WWE’s version of Christian Cage, not the far-advanced Christian Cage in TNA.
Then, as if THAT wasn’t enough, Maria was interviewed by Playboy about what a slut she is. One of her comments in particular has been getting much attention, as she basically said that she loves giving blowjobs. The pre-teens and the virgins have been going wild, and I too admit to a sad sense of joy upon reading this…until I remembered that I am, in fact, NOT Santino. Still, if he’s in character while she does it, I reckon that’s a license to print money.
**Actually, let’s be fair to Maria on this one. The question was “Do you prefer giving or receiving oral sex?”, to which she answered “Oh, definitely giving”. For all we know, she might hate them both. The text might have been cropped, like when Embrace’s album ‘Out of Nothing’ quoted NME as saying the CD was “Epic”, when in fact the magazine had given it 1/10 and called frontman Danny McNamara a cunt. Maybe the same thing happened here. Perhaps Maria continued with: “If I had to choose between having my vagina licked dry by a fat fuck with ulcers, or putting said man’s penis in my mouth until he got bored of telling me to ‘work it’ and decided to come at last, I’d choose the latter. But it doesn’t matter either way, because both of them are about as appealing to me as having a crow peck out both of my eyes and shit in the open sockets.” I doubt she would have put it as eloquently as that, but you never know!**
From ‘Punk, Jesse , Festus vs Benjamin, Miz, Morrison’:
CHOBG
CM Punk=ECW, John Cena=RAW, Bastista=Smackdown
Underappreciated: Undertaker, MVP, Umaga, Morrison,Orton,and Benjamin, Matt Hardy
Misused: Snitsky, Kane, Burke, Mr.Kennedy, Carlito, and Shawn Michaels.
Best kept Secrets: Gregory Helms and The boogeyman
Overrated and misused: Bastista, John Cena, CM Punk
Up in coming: kofi Kingston
No contracts: Chavo, Colin, Stevie Richards
Sucks: Edge,Vince McMahon
Bitch: Triple H
Rewind:Ric Flair
Now, this isn’t one of the worst I’ve ever seen (at least this one makes a sincere attempt to state a perception), but I just don’t get it. Like, at all. Undertaker, MVP, Morrison and Orton are “underappreciated” despite all holding gold? The Boogeyman is a “best kept secret” when he was pushed to the moon and quickly showed he sucked mule cock before injuring himself? No attempt at explaining how certain people are ‘misused’? “Up in coming”? What the hell does ‘No contracts’ mean, and why is the ECW champion listed in this category? Why does Vince McMahon ‘suck’ for developing the very product being reviewed in the first place? Why is Triple H a bitch, and what the fuck is a ‘rewind’ in regards to Ric Flair? This comment makes NO SENSE whatsoever!
I kind of feel bad for him, though. It was given nine negative-thumbs and quickly listed as spam before I even had a chance to read the thing, yet two almost-identical comments at the very top of the page – one of which said “CM PUNK ROCKS !”, while the other deviated slightly with the punctuation and stated “CM PUNK ROCKS!!” – were given positive ratings. Very tragic.
Well, that’s your lot for another week. Next time around, unless I suddenly have an inspired moment of genius elsewhere or something major happens, I’ll be writing about the WWE Hall of Fame.
See you then.
