The SmarK RAW Rant – December 29 2003

The SmarK RAW Rant – December 29, 2003

– For those interested, there’s an interesting story in the new Stamford Advocate about the current fortunes of the WWE, featuring comments by ME (and others, I guess), which you can read here.

– Live from San Antonio, TX.

– Your hosts are JR & King.

– Opening interview: Randy Orton (using Mick’s music) confirms that Foley is a no-good coward, albeit a smart one. He gets Lillian to announce him the winner of the match last week, and the new Hardcore Legend to boot. So wouldn’t he have to kill himself then, since he’s the Legend Killer? Maybe Randy Orton v. Randy Orton is the big match for Wrestlemania. Booker T takes exception to this and wants a title shot tonight, but Mark Henry lays him out. Yes, the feud continues. However, Bischoff is upset at Henry stealing his big match or something, and kicks him out of the building. Next week, Henry cashes in his favor from Survivor Series. I thought that was the match with Booker T from the night after Survivor Series?

– Rob Van Dam v. Scott Steiner. This could be ugly. Steiner attacks him during the posing and whips him into the corner. Clothesline misses and Rob spinkicks him and gets a standing moonsault for two. Springboard kick and he goes up, but Steiner crotches him and gets the banned overhead suplex for two. He goes low and tosses RVD, introducing him to the stairs, and back in he stomps away. Chops in the corner and a belly-to-belly gets two. He chokes away in the corner and gets the clothesline and elbow for two. Rob fights back and gets Rolling Thunder and a split-legged moonsault for two. Steiner suplexes him to cut off the rally, and they fight on the top rope, which Rob wins. Missile dropkick and frog splash finish clean at 6:07. An RVD push? Match was dull but inoffensive. *1/2

– Classic HBK moment: Regaining the World title in San Antonio at Royal Rumble 97, which is weird one to pick because it was such a shitty match due to Shawn being “in no condition to compete” and it was during the time when the fanbase was turning on him and they were teasing a heel turn for the supposedly #1 babyface. In fact, Sid was supposed to win the title back two weeks later at the Thursday RAW Thursday show, but Shawn “lost his smile” and gave up the title rather than do the job.

– Meanwhile, Jericho & Christian argue about women.

– Meanwhile, in Stamford, Coach updates us on the situation. Linda will argue for Austin, Vince will argue against him.

– A very special look at Smackdown last week.

– The Dudley Boyz v. Eddie Craver & Russell Simpson. Ric Flair is YOUR special guest referee. D-Von armdrags Craver and slams him to start, and then the Dudz double-team Simpson. Bubba stops to mock Flair, who warns him in turn about using a closed fist. Flip Flop & Fly, so Flair calls for the DQ at 1:48. Good, about time someone enforced the rules. Batista lays out the Dudleyz afterwards. Now that’s some harsh justice. DUD

– Your next Shawn classic moment: His comeback at Summerslam 2002.

– Meanwhile, Bischoff gives a talk to the referees about enforcing the rules more closely. There’d be worse things in the world than going nuts and being ultra-strict with enforcing the rules to make cheating worth more.

– Meanwhile, in Stamford, Vince recaps his testimony to the Bored of Directors. He’s just doing it for us.

– Meanwhile, an interview with Trish and friends is interrupted by Austin backing his truck into the set. I didn’t realize parking space was so tight in San Antonio.

– Intercontinental title: Randy Orton v. Booker T. They fight over a lockup to start and Booker gets a headlock and overpowers Orton. He slugs away in the corner and brings him down with a back kick that gets two. Orton comes back with a dropkick and chokes away, but Booker gets a backslide for two. Orton gets a clothesline for two and hits the chinlock. Booker fights back with a spin kick and they slug it out (WHERE’S THE DQ?) and Booker gets a forearm for two. Bicycle kick and Spinarooni sets up the axe kick, but it misses. RKO is blocked and Booker gets a MAIN EVENT SPINEBUSTER for two. Another axe kick, but Kane interrupts now. Orton uses the distraction to get the RKO and the pin at 5:56. I hate the “Idiot babyface gets distracted by nothing and pinned” finish. Orton just doesn’t have it yet. *1/2 Kane destroys Booker after the match, which seems to be the trend tonight since they’re in Booker’s home state and all and he’s the designated bitch every time they swing through Texas. Thank god they’re not in Houston, or Booker might be dead by now.

– Your next HBK classic moment: Survivor Series 2002. What, is the next one going to be last week or something?

– Meanwhile, in Stamford, Linda claims that’s she’s “equally passionate” as Vince…while delivering her lines in a monotone. Irony can be so ironic. There’s your line of the night.

– Meanwhile, Jericho gives Trish a Christmas present, as Trish delivers some exposition and recaps the storyline, then busts out her acting chops. She got her heart broken. And she was only worth $0.75 after exchange. That’s what REALLY hurt! Actually, to be totally fair, it’s trading at $0.76 as of right now according to Yahoo, and that’s 1% more! You’ll have to pardon me if the tears of empathy clog up my keyboard thanks to the amazing acting skills here.

– Meanwhile, Austin gets a wrong number. Man, these segments are getting more pointless all the time…

– Molly Holly, Jackie & Victoria v. Stacy, Trish Stratus & Lita. All the chicks are dressed in Santa outfits, showing that they’re not only exploitive, but a week late. Victoria goes after Stacy to start and then lets Molly come in. She shoves Stacy around, but she comes back with the Nash choke and allows Lita to hammer on her and get two with what I am informed is called an Alligator Clutch. Cheapshot from Jackie turns the tide and Molly drops some elbows and hits the chinlock. Lita comes back with a rollup for two, but Molly goes back to the chinlock. Lita gets a headscissors and Trish comes in with a Thesz Press and slugs away. Blind charge hits elbow, but she gets the handstand rana (called a “legsweep” by JR) and the bulldog gets the pin at 3:22. Molly wrestled the entire match, which was probably for the best. ѕ* Victoria consoles Molly and then turns on her.

– Meanwhile, Austin gets the call on the phone he was waiting for, but apparently coming back as Co-GM again isn’t to his liking, so he tells them to shove it and drives off.

– RAW World title: HHH v. Shawn Michaels. HHH grabs a headlock to start and they trade hammerlocks, and Shawn goes to the headlock himself. He hangs on and overpowers HHH, but walks into an elbow. Shawn dumps him and cleans house on Flair after skinning the cat. Back in, Shawn works on the arm with an armbar. HHH retreats to the ropes, so Shawn kicks them to crotch him and goes back to the armbar. HHH comes back with a cheapshot and works him over in the corner. Shawn comes back as they brawl outside, and he throws some chops against the railing. Back in, Shawn gets a sleeper, and escapes a suplex attempt, getting a rollup for two. They do the backslide-bridge thing and Shawn gets two. Shawn charges, however, and takes the Holy Shit Bump over the post and to the floor, just like old times. And we take a break. We return as HHH necksnaps him and chokes away in the corner. Backbreaker gets two. He slugs away on the mat and drops an elbow on the back, and slugs him down for two. They slug it out until HHH knees him in the gut and tosses him. Shawn eats the stairs, but comes back with a sunset flip for two. HHH takes him down with a clothesline for two. Abdominal stretch to work on the back some more, with help from Flair. Shawn hiptosses out and comes back with chops, but HHH hits him with the high knee for two. He hurts the knee on the move, so Shawn takes him down for a figure-four. Flair breaks it up by poking him in the eye, however. Well, there goes his stance on the rules. HHH sends him out, but Shawn heads up to the top, only to walk into KICK WHAM…but he reverses the Pedigree. Both guys are count and the crowd is insanely into the count. They slug it out and Shawn falls on his crotch with a headbutt, and they’re both out again. HHH is up first and hammers away in the corner, but Shawn comes back with chops and the atomic drop. Another chop, another atomic drop, more chops. Flying forearm and kip-up and Shawn goes up with the flying elbow. The superkick tease is interrupted by Flair, so Shawn decks him, but the ref is bumped. HHH blocks the superkick and DDTs him, and both guys are out. Flair gives HHH the belt, and he nails Shawn for two. KICK WHAM PEDIGREE, but Shawn reverses and the ref is bumped AGAIN. Eric Bischoff runs out to tend to Hebner personally while HHH undoes the turnbuckle, but HHH gets sent into it. He’s out and Shawn is covering, but there’s no ref. Bischoff counts two himself. Okay then. HHH starts bleeding and Shawn hammers away in the corner, but HHH brings him down, and Shawn slugs him down again for two. HHH comes back with a facecrusher for two. He goes up and jumps onto Shawn’s foot, and Shawn chops away in the corner and gets a superkick out of nowhere for the pin and the title at 29:13. If Shawn can do this every night without dying, put the title on him, sez I. Crazy good match in every aspect with insane crowd heat and selling from Shawn, dragged down a bit by the senseless ref bumps. ****3/4 Hey, I’ve always said I’m a mark for Shawn in the ring. But NO – Shawn’s shoulders were down, as I pointed out at Armageddon, so HHH retains the title. It’s nice continuity, but what a shitty way to treat the crowd and kill yet another town. Shawn abuses Bischoff afterwards, so Eric fires him. Then Austin comes out and re-hires Shawn and gives him a rematch to boot. Apparently he’s Sheriff Austin now, and everything is just like it was before the last time everything changed forever. I think that might have set a record for the best match with the SHITTIEST ending and post-match angle. As if retirement stips didn’t mean zero as is. TLC Vegas comes close, but this may have beaten it.

The Bottom Line:

Awesome main event aside, most of the rest of the show was a waste, with the boring Austin angles dominating the show and nothing much else going on until HHH & Shawn tore the house down. Gotta give him his due – if there’s one person HHH has great chemistry with, it’s Shawn. I don’t really see what more they can do in a rematch at the PPV, however, once you’ve already given away a 30 minute near-perfect match between them on free TV and done a screwjob finish.

Still, beg borrow or steal a copy of the main event tonight, forget the rest.