The SmarK RAW Rant – September 22 2003

The SmarK RAW Rant – September 22, 2003

– Live from Washington, DC.

– Your hosts are Al Snow & The Coach. I give it two hours.

– Opening interview: Goldberg and his Big Gold Belt are out to celebrate. Seriously, do people sit at home and think to themselves “I’ll bring a sign that says ‘Game Over’…no one else will think of THAT and I’ll be the most original and witty guy in the crowd!” Goldberg’s oratory is thankfully cut short by Austin, although he gets his new “Believe the Hype” catchphrase in. I’m pretty sure someone else already has that trademarked, actually, but he’ll be gone long before anyone can get around to suing anyway. Austin summarizes the stipulations from last night and proposes a toast. But now Bischoff interrupts (drawing a standing ovation from the announce team) and wants to suck up to the new champ. He says nothing of note and gets speared. Oh, hey, another bald guy v. authority figure angle, great. Waste of 15 minutes.

– Intercontinental title: Christian v. Rob Van Dam. Christian charges to start and Rob flips into a high cross for two. Spinkick and moonsault get two. Christian tries to take a walk, so Rob hits him with a plancha and guillotines him on the apron. Frog splash misses and Christian stomps away, and a gutbuster gets two. Christian goes to the abdominal stretch, but RVD rolls him up for two. Christian dropkicks the gut for two, but RVD comes back with a spinkick and a legsweep to set up Rolling Thunder, for two. Monkey flip is blocked, but a split-legged moonsault gets two. Rob escapes the inverted DDT in a weird counter, and a rollup gets two. Oklahoma roll gets two, and Christian is dumped. He grabs the belt for the DQ at 4:45. Rob seemed a little more motivated than last night, probably because he wasn’t doing the job. And it wasn’t booked to go 20:00. Christian lays him out with a ladder afterwards and frog splashes him off it, which I guess is their subtle way of setting up another ladder match for the I-C title. *1/2

– Meanwhile, Jericho sticks up for Bischoff backstage and stooges on Austin’s laughing at Bischoff. In return, he just wants a title shot tonight.

– Evolution interrupt a potential ****1/2 Cade/Jindrak tag match, beating them up on the way to the ring so that HHH can have interview time. Blah blah blah I’m the greatest, I eat wrestling, I’m gonna get my title back. Wow, stop the presses!

– White Boy Challenge: Mark Henry v. Tommy Dreamer. Tommy attacks with the cane, but gets clotheslined and whipped around. Henry SHATTERS the…uh…thin wooden stick in an awesome display of strength, and a powerslam finishes at 0:55. DUD

– Meanwhile, Evolution has a showdown with Cade, Jindrak and Maven.

– Meanwhile, production problems reveal that Camera Six is the WORST CASE SCENARIO. I have no idea what that means, but it sure sounds bad. Anyway, Austin proves me slightly wrong, booking Jim Ross v. Coach next week in a match where JR gets the announcing position back, and makes yet another ladder match, this one between Christian and RVD. Let’s give the gimmick a rest, please?

– Molly Holly & Gail Kim v. Lita & Trish Stratus. Trish grabs a headlock on Gail to start, and they work off that. Trish monkey-flips her and gets a seated dropkick for two. Molly comes in and gets armdragged, but Trish does a Matrix dodge into a rana for two. SWEET. Trish bringing the progression! Thesz Press and Lita comes in to work the arm, but Molly smacks her down, then misses a dropkick. Lita headbutts her low and gets a rollup for two. Cheapshot turns the tide and Molly gets a neckbreaker, as Lita is YOUR face in peril. Rolling necksnap gets two. Kim pounds her down and chokes away, and goes to a surfboard. One advantage of Kim being a heel now: She can do REALLY basic stuff in the context of a standard heel beating in a tag match, and it’s effective. Kim cuts off a tag and Molly chokes her out, then distracts the ref while Kim carries on. Lita reverses a suplex to come back, but Kim butt-butts Trish off the apron. Lita clotheslines both of them to make her own comeback, dropkicking everyone, and a backdrop for Kim. Snap suplex for Molly and a tilt-a-whirl slam get two. Trish gets rid of Molly and pounds her outside, while Lita hits the Twist of Fate on Kim for the pin at 6:59. They should just have these chicks do tag matches every week. ***

– Meanwhile, Jericho proposes that Bischoff act as special guest referee tonight as part of his master plan.

– Test-Steiner music video, now incorporating the exciting events of last night.

– Earlier tonight: Stacy apologizes to Steiner, who is then relegated to baggage duty by Test.

– Footage from the Kane-Shane stunt show last night sets up an interview from an “undisclosed hospital location”, although the graphic says “Harrisburg PA” and they showed the sign earlier. And shockingly, Kane shows up to attack him. Man, if I was Shane, I’d fire whoever put that graphic up. So I guess this continues, too.

– Rob Conway & Rene Dupree v. Hurricane & Rosey. The superheroes clean house to start and Hurricane hits the French with a tope, but Grenier hits him with the flag to turn the tide. The Evil French wave the flag and pound on Hurricane, and Conway surfboards him, but Hurricane escapes with the Eye of the Hurricane. Hot tag Rosey, and he backdrops Dupree and gets a superheroic legdrop on Conway for two. Double clothesline for the Evil French and Hurricane gets a high cross, setting up a samoan drop/neckbreaker combo from the heroes for the pin at 3:56. These guys have potential. *1/2 The Dudley Boyz come out to congratulate the winners and suck up to the troops. How does invading Iraq equate to “defending the country”? And how does that make them heroes? Invading a sovereign country and killing the ruling family because you don’t agree with their politics is an impressive military display, sure, but heroics? The US stockpiles enough “weapons of mass destruction” to destroy the universe 18 times over – I don’t see anyone rushing in to attack THEM.

– Evolution v. Maven, Mark Jindrak & Garrison Cade. Big brawl to start and Jindrak dropkicks HHH out of the ring, but he comes back and lays out Jindrak. He pounds away in the corner, but Jindrak comes back with an ugly clothesline and Maven goes for the arm, but gets hammered down. Flair comes in and starts chopping, but Maven gets two off a backslide. Orton comes in and slugs it out with Cade, and gets a neckbreaker. HHH chokes away in the corner, and Orton pounds him. HHH stomps him down after offering him a tag, then slaps on the MAIN EVENT SLEEPER. Cade suplexes out of it, and bulldogs him, but Orton cuts off the tag. Lukewarm tag to Maven, however, and it’s BONZO GONZO, as Jindrak hammers on HHH and gets a springboard clothesline, while Maven gets a missile dropkick on Flair while the ref is absent. HHH Pedigrees him, goodbye at 7:10. What a mess. * HHH tells us that we need him more than he needs us and walks off. Don’t let the door hit you in the ass on the way out – you might tear your ass muscles and be injured for another six months.

– Meanwhile, in Hollywood, Rock stops to thank all the fans and talk about the Rundown. It’s like a breath of clean air in a sewer.

– RAW World title: Goldberg v. Chris Jericho. Bischoff, still selling the rib injury from the spear (although the bump he took off the bottom rope would you lead you to believe he should sell the neck) is the outside referee. I can’t see this going too long. Production gaffe of the week: The shot of Goldberg leaving the dressing room sees him with the belt slung over his shoulder, but the live shot moments later features him wearing the belt. Unless he has freakish belt-fastening powers. Goldberg overpowers Jericho to start and clotheslines him off a hiptoss, and Jericho bails. Goldberg gives chase and stops to jaw with Bischoff, then goes back to Jericho in the ring with a lariat. He charges and hits boot, however, and Jericho starts chopping and slugging away in the corner. Goldberg presses him and crotches him on the top rope, to the floor. He tries a spear on the floor and misses, hitting the stairs, and Jericho comes back in with a missile dropkick for two. He stays on the arm, taking him down with an armbar for two. He gets a sort of half-chickenwing, but Goldberg powers out and boots him coming out of the corner. Jericho catches him with a DDT for two, however. He stomps away on the arm to set up the Walls, but Goldberg powers out. Press slam into a spinebuster gets two, but Bischoff pulls out the ref. Goldberg goes for him and Jericho goes low, and the Lionsault gets two. And now of course Austin comes out to pull BISCHOFF out of the ring, and assaults him (without provocation) and Goldberg finishes with the usual at 6:58. See – Goldberg under 8 minutes with someone who can bump for his offense = a decent match, Goldberg over 15 minutes with a crippled has been = garbage which exposes his weaknesses. **1/2

The Bottom Line:

FINALLY a show that is, if nothing else, at least watchable for once. All the main feuds seem to be in a holding pattern, aside from HHH stinking up tag matches instead of the main event for a while, but there wasn’t anything too terrible or insulting to the intelligence, and even Coach and Snow were pretty good as the night wore on.