The SmarKdown Rant – March 11, 2004

The SmarKdown Rant – March 11, 2004

– Taped from Atlantic City, NJ

– Your hosts are Cole & Tazz.

– Opening match: John Cena v. Rhyno. Cena gets a hiptoss for one, but Rhyno grabs a headlock. Cena escapes and gets the Throwback for two. Suplex gets two. Rhyno comes back with a sloppy spinebuster and pounds away in the corner, but Cena slugs back and clotheslines him. Backdrop suplex and it’s the Five Knuckle Shuffle, and it’s F-U at 2:53. Basic squash with occasional signs of life from Rhyno. Ѕ*

– Elsewhere, all the talent gathers in the locker room for a meeting. So how come Billy Gunn is there?

– Heyman gives the troops a weird communist speech about doing things for the good of Smackdown and thus banding together to fight Austin when he shows up tonight. An intentionally ironic comment follows about Brock being the leader of the locker room and a guy who’s carrying the show. Not any more, Paul.

– Elsewhere, a camera man just happens to be focusing on Austin’s truck. I’d say the big “Stone Cold Steve Austin” logo on the side was a pretty good hint that it belonged to him.

– Rey Mysterio v. Jamie Noble. Noble goes behind to start and they trade hammerlocks on the mat, as Noble goes to an armbar and a side headlock. Noble knocks him down for two. Rey comes back with a headscissor takedown and springs outside and back in via the top, but Noble knocks him down to stop it. He tries a superplex, but Rey headbutts him down, then tries a crossbody, but Noble blocks it with a knee to the gut. Noble suplexes him onto the top rope and goes to the abdominal stretch, but Rey counters with the Rube Goldberg Bulldog. He charges and hits boot, but comes out of the corner with a moonsault for two. Noble comes back with a suplex attempt, but Rey blocks and reverses, then takes him down for the 619, but Tajiri and his crew run in, triggering a huge brawl and a Sportz Entertainment Finish at 4:02. Match was going along quite well before the schmozzy finish. However, when we return, the match will continue as an 8-man tag match.

– Rey Mysterio, Billy Kidman, Ultimo Dragon and Funaki v. Jamie Noble, Tajiri, Akio and Sakoda. Joined in progress as Dragon & Tajiri trade shots off a criss-cross, but Dragon runs into a boot in the corner. He comes back with a big kick for two, however. Dragon works the arm and brings in Kidman, who gets a dropkick for two. Funaki comes in with a double axehandle, but Tajiri kicks him in the head and Akio gets a cheap guillotine from the apron, and Tajiri gets two. Akio comes in with a straitjacket hold, but Funaki counters with a backslide for two. Akio hits him with a leg lariat for two. Sakoda hangs him in the Tree of Woe and Tajiri baseball slides him in the face, giving Sakoda two. We hit the chinlock, but Funaki fights out, so Noble comes in with a clothesline and the heels engage in shenanigans. Noble drops a leg for two. Kick to the neck and he goes to a cobra sleeper on the mat, but Funaki fights out and catapults Noble into the corner, setting up for a bulldog that allows the hot tag to Rey. In with a rana on Noble and a Russian legsweep on Noble, but Noble powerslams him for two. Rey reverses a powerbomb attempt into the sunset bomb for two. It’s BREAKING LOOSE IN TULSA and Dragon hits Tajiri with a pescado, leaving Rey and Noble in the ring, and we’re back to where we started, with the 619, but Chavo Sr takes a break from being the awesomest commentator ever to distract the ref, but it backfires and Rey finishes Noble with the West Coast Pop at 7:02. Super super hot match, but too short for an 8-man tag. I want more heat segments! Funaki sold his ass off, of course. **3/4

– Elsewhere, Heyman gets a call from security, alerting him to Austin’s arrival.

– Eddie Guerrero v. Shelton Benjamin. Eddie cuts another really good promo on Angle before the match and challenges him to come out and prove his point once and for all, but he doesn’t answer the bell. Eddie grabs a headlock to start, but Haas trips him up and Benjamin gets a capture suplex for two. Benjamin brings him to the corner, but Eddie responds with chops and a monkey flip, but Benjamin lands on his feet, so Eddie backdrops him. Benjamin charges and hits the floor and Haas can’t keep his hands to himself, so it’s back to the dressing room as we take a break. We return with Eddie hitting the abdominal stretch, but Benjamin hiptosses out, so Eddie sends him into the corner. Shelton comes back with a powerslam, however, and works on the back, then faceplants him. That gets two. Eddie gets all fired up, however, and slugs back, getting a clothesline and a backdrop. Rolling verticals, but Benjamin reverses to a backdrop suplex, which bumps the ref. Benjamin gets the title belt from a returning Haas, but Eddie dropkicks it in his face and steals it back, then lays out Haas with it to get rid of him. Another one for Benjamin and Eddie does the “play dead” routine and “painfully” crawls back to his feet before swaggering to the top with the frog splash at 10:26. Eddie is SO the man right now, with awesome facial expressions and mannerisms that the crowd loves. **1/2 However, Kurt Angle now appears, still playing the dead-eyed psychopath, and they do a staredown.

– Big Show v. A couple of jobbers. Yeah, like I’m gonna waste precious keystrokes recapping this. You know the deal, one of them gets pinned with a chokeslam at 1:04. DUD Cena does the sneak attack and goes after the knee afterwards.

– Scotty 2 Hotty & Rikishi v. The Basham Brothers. This is non-title. Scotty gets caught in the Basham corner to start, but fights out against Doug and grabs a headlock. Scotty tries a rollup, but Danny makes a blind tag and kicks him in the face to break it up. He stomps away and sends Scotty into the corner, and hits the chinlock. Scotty fights out, but can’t make the tag, and it’s back to Basham-ville for more bashing. Doug comes in with a legdrop for two. He cuts off another tag attempt and hammers Scotty down, then hits the chinlock. Scotty fights out again and dodges a charging Doug, and it’s hot tag Rikishi. Belly to belly and he sends Danny into the corner for the Stinkface, but Doug switches off with him. Rikishi casually superkicks him for the pin at 5:13. Well, that was out of nowhere. Nothing spectacular, but it did the job. *1/2

– About 10 minutes of video packages and Wrestlemania rundown give me time to reflect on life and society and Todd Bertuzzi and stuff.

– Main event interview: Paul Heyman and the Smackdown roster call out Steve Austin, as Heyman expects everyone to stop Austin. So Brock drives the ATV out to inform Austin that it’s his ring and his ATV. Austin comes out, but everyone rebels against Heyman and lets him through, even Big Show. So that leaves Austin one-on-one against Lesnar, which is weird because I could have SWORN that the match was against Goldberg and Austin is retired. But hey, Austin-Lesnar, 2 years in the making, hell of a main event, I guess. They slug it out in the aisle and Austin tosses him into the post (huh?) and into the ring, where Heyman gets stunned, and Brock almost does too but escapes. Of course, the match is now the most meaningless main event in Wrestlemania history since both Goldberg & Lesnar gave notice and Austin isn’t a wrestler. You’d think they’d have some way to let Brock give someone useful the rub on the way out, like Randy Orton, but who knows with this company anymore.

The Bottom Line:

A generally enjoyable show marred by a weird angle to finish, with all the focus and heat now going onto Austin, who doesn’t even wrestle period, let alone wrestle for this show. I’m pretty sure Wrestlemania is going to tank big, but as long as it’s a good show I won’t complain too much, given the generally accepted predictions for who will walk out with the World titles.