The SmarKdown Rant – May 13 2004

The SmarKdown Rant – May 13, 2004

– Taped from Reno, NV.

– Your hosts are Cole & Tazz

– Hey, it’s a new opening, with cheesy laserlights and everything. LASER FLOYD! WHOOOO!

– Anyway, since this show has been defying physics by sucking and blowing at the same time as of late, I suggest filling your night by reading my book instead. If you don’t have it, skip the PPV on Sunday and buy the book instead! Or you could buy this book instead, courtesy Scotsman’s Ebay auction. Your choice.

– Rob Van Dam v. D-Von Dudley. The new gimmick is that the Dudleyz wrestle singles matches and you don’t know which one you’re gonna get, since they both suck anyway. OK, I added that last part. They slug it out to start and Rob gets a clothesline and a leg lariat, for two. Rob stomps him in the corner and goes up for a moonsault, but gets distracted by Bubba and D-Von brings him down with a neckbreaker. He uses the TAPE OF DEATH to choke him down, because he’s a bad person ya know, and he works RVD over in the corner. And we hit the chinlock, just to make my life complete. Rob fights out, but gets clotheslined for two. Back to the chinlock, but Rob gets a rollup for two. Spinkick and both guys are down, and D-Von misses a charge to allow Rob’s comeback. He sweeps him down and goes up with a missile dropkick for two. Rob heads to the apron and hits Bubba with a somersault off the apron, and spinkicks D-Von down again, setting up Rolling Thunder for two. He gets rid of Bubba again and the ref is bumped, allowing Bubba to crotch him on the top and D-Von to finish with a DDT out of the corner at 7:26. Boring and sloppy, as D-Von makes Billy Kidman look like Rey Mysterio in terms of excitement. *1/2 Speaking of which, Rey makes the save and they announce Rey & RVD v. The Dudleyz for the PPV. When THAT looks like the only decent match on a show, you’ve got BIG problems. Even worse, RVD somehow seems LESS motivated than he was at his low-point, after getting buried by HHH in 2002. Unmotivated RVD is a truly scary thing.

– Elsewhere, Professor X is upset with Eddie’s actions last week, because he’s a LOOSE CANNON. He actually CALLS him that. Which Hollywood hack did they pull out of the gutter to write this crap?

– Interestingly (by which I mean “not interesting to me in the least”) the Kenzo Suzuki promos are now on THIS show, and he’s just Kenzo Suzuki instead of “Hirohito”. Didn’t anyone SEE his match with Saturn on that TNA PPV? The Japanese version of Nathan Jones is not what this show needs.

– Speaking of what this show doesn’t need, Jacqueline joins us for an interview. Yeah, listening to Mush-Mouth try to cut a promo will bring in the ratings. And she’s proud to be the first woman to hold the Cruiserweight title, even though she’s not, which makes me even more sad somehow. Chavo thankfully interrupts before she gets more than a sentence out. They have a match at the PPV, and he’ll beat her with one hand behind his back. And just to really make the quality level as brutal as humanly possible, Chavo Classic challenges her RIGHT NOW.

– Chavo Classic v. Jacqueline. Chavo takes her down to the mat, but gets dropkicked to the floor. Back in, she takes him down, but he works her over in the corner. Snapmare and he hits the chinlock, then stomps on the hand to emphasize it. Abdominal stretch, but she hiptosses out of it, so he gets a backdrop suplex, but Jackie cradles for one. Tornado DDT gets two. Chavo dumps her to the apron and Chavo Jr adds a cheapshot, and Classic gets the pin at 2:49. If there was any justice that would have been for the title. This storyline is a freakshow, as Jackie’s offense isn’t the least bit believable from someone her size. Ѕ* Chavo Classic, however, is tremendous and should be co-holder of the World title with his brother.

– Elsewhere, Angle again makes empty threats to Eddie.

– Johnny Stamboli & Nunzio v. Booker T. Booker brings a little bag of something with him. Make your own jokes here. Booker attacks Stamboli to start and chokes him out, then goes after Nunzio and gets a clothesline. Sideslam on Nunzio and he tosses him, and drops him on the railing. Back in, Stamboli tries to attack, but gets floored with a back kick. Side kick sets up the axe kick, and that finishes at 2:34. Slow squash. Booker has zero momentum going into the PPV. ј* Undertaker magically appears in the ring to psych out Booker, but no worries, because Booker has a magic bag of dirt from the psychic. And they WONDER why no one cares about this PPV?

– Eddie Guerrero, bless his heart, comes out to cut a promo on Bradshaw and try to make ANYONE care about this feud, as he talks about what America means to him and how he wants to kick Bradshaw’s ass and stuff. Talking about Bradshaw’s “blue blood” is kinda ludicrous given his portrayal over the course of his WWE career. The limo drives into the arena to answer the challenge, but no one’s in it. GHOST LIMO! And then the cops come and arrest him, just to squeeze in every two-bit wrestling clichй. Eddie is not Steve Austin and they need to stop trying to make him into one.

– Rico v. Bob Holly. Bradshaw should take a good look at Holly (who was put in a title match at Royal Rumble, WAY above his level) and watch what will happen to him, too. Holly has Billy Gunn with him, making me think I missed a storyline development in there somewhere. Rico does his antics to start, and they work off a headlock, but Rico gets all gay and freaks Holly out. Holly goes back to the headlock, but Rico takes him down with an armbar. Holly chops him in the corner, but Rico hits him with kicks and goes to the chinlock. Holly comes back with a hotshot and his low blow on the ropes, but Rico counters the Alabama Slam. Rico gets more kicks, but walks into the DROPKICK OF DEATH, which gets two. Rico gets another kick for two. Rico gets a high cross and Holly rolls through for the pin at 4:42, which the heat machine thinks is great. * Who am I cheering for? I’m supposed to like Rico because he’s wacky and funny and gay, but Holly & Gunn acted like the babyfaces. This is such a trainwreck. Not to mention trying to reunite the New Midnight Express but using Mike Barton’s lamer fake brother instead. It’s Bombastic Bob and Bodacious Billy!

– Judgment Day rundown:

– Torrie Wilson v. Dawn Marie (ugggggggggh) Seriously, they couldn’t, like, stick Paul London & Kidman v. Jamie Noble & Akio in this slot or something?
– John Cena v. Rene Dupree
– The New New Midnight Express v. Rico & Haas
– Eddie Guerrero v. Bradshaw
– Undertaker v. Booker T
– Chavo Guerrero Jr v. Jacqueline

They should have a contest and give the first person to break ** a MILLION DOLLARS. This show will, by the way, mark the debut of the Shane McMahon Unconditional Refund Formula, or SMURF, for short. For an explanation of the origins, check out the April 19 RAW Rant.

– More from Mordecai. He’ll be at the PPV.

– John Cena v. Sakoda. Sakoda grabs a headlock to start and bails to avoid the WRATH OF CENA. They brawl outside, won by Cena, but Akio hits him with a flying kick off the apron. Back in, Sakoda gets two, and he stomps away in the corner. Cena comes back with the clothesline, five-knuckle shuffle, and F-U to finish at 3:20. Cena is actually getting WORSE in the ring, as his “five moves of doom” have regressed to three.

– John Bradshaw Layfield v. Rey Mysterio. Yeah, this is really the main event. Bradshaw shoves Rey into the corner to start and smacks him around, so Rey gets a dropkick, only to get powered down again. Bradshaw uses the CLUBBING FOREARMS and tries a powerbomb, but Rey fights out and runs away. They do a chase and Bradshaw is winded (and that’s a shoot, brudda!), but he catches Rey off a pescado attempt and slams him on the floor. Back in, he stomps away and uses more CLUBBING FOREARMS, and a vertical suplex. More boots in the corner and he drops an elbow, setting up a torture rack. Gimme a break, stealing finishers from Lex Luger does not get you over in the main event. Rey tries to come back, but gets clubbed down again. And clubbed. With the forearms that club. Pumphandle slam and he puts Rey on top for some punishment, but gets hit with a tornado DDT and 619. He goes for the West Coast Pop, but misses, and Bradshaw boots him down and tosses him. He beats on him on the table and tosses him around, and then back in for a corner clothesline. Powerbomb into the corner (wow, swiping from Luger AND Erik Watts? Impressive) and the Clothesline from New York finish at 8:38. Rey got absolutely nothing and was treated like a total jobber, as Bradshaw no-sold his finisher and didn’t even give him a comeback. Ѕ*

The Bottom Line:

Amazingly, there’s a PPV this Sunday. You wouldn’t know it from watching the shows lately. I can’t recall a PPV outside of No Mercy 2003 that I have less enthusiasm about having to watch. Much like this show as of late, as it continues swirling the toilet like a used condom.

Two weeks to go, and then I give it up and do something else on Thursday nights, unless drastic improvements happen soon.